I don't want to have G.I.G.S.!

[silverstarlight]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been with my SO for 3 years, and we got engaged a few months ago. I am 21 and he is 23. He is truly my soulmate and everything I could ever ask for in a man. We're completely compatible emotionally, mentally, and physically, and everything about our relationship is wonderful! We have supported and helped each other through some really tough things, and have both helped each other to grow and discover more about ourselves. When I'm with him I feel so completely at ease and happy with life, because we just fit so well together in every way. I know he's the one I want to spend my life with. Sure we fight occasionally, but we are good at working things out when we do. We talk about everything and generally try to solve our problems before they get out of control. I really don't have anything to complain about!

 

However, I occasionally suffer from bouts of "the grass is greener" syndrome. I did have one boyfriend in high school, but it was a messy and short relationship. My fiance was my first serious relationship, and my first sexually. Because of all this, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be single for a while and just mess around, or what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone else. It's not anyone in particular, it's just a general "what if" feeling. I wonder if there's something out there that I'm missing out on because I got committed so young.

 

As I understand it this is all pretty common for people in their 20s who have G.I.G.S. Here's the thing: I KNOW deep down that if I were to hypothetically leave him and date other guys, I would be miserable. I might enjoy it for a time, but then I'd realize what I'd lost and it would be too late. I know that's not truly what I want, it's just the unknowns playing with my head. He's the one I want to be with. I just want these thoughts to go away, but I also don't want to ignore them in case they get repressed and cause problems later on. I want to deal with them now and confront the issue head on.

 

I have talked with my SO about these feelings because we try to be honest and open about everything, even if it hurts. He was of course sad and worried that I was thinking these kinds of thoughts, but he's completely supportive about it and says he understands why I feel that way, since I didn't get a whole lot of dating experience before we got together. He wants to help me work through it just as much as I do.

 

I wanted to get advice from people who have possibly dealt with this problem before. How did you handle this issue and get past it??

[jimloveslips]

>but he's completely supportive

 

Yeah, lets see if your GIGS will be that way...

 

Sounds like he's too good for you!

[OliverF]

I am keen to hear replies for this issue

[na49]

I think after being with him for such a long time you are starting to get bored. The relationship isn't as "fun" as it used to be, so you're wondering if anything better and more "fun" is out there.

 

Idk how you magically get rid of those thoughts though. Just talk to him about it, maybe do something new with him?

[giblesp]

I notice that when you write about this man, you don't use the word 'love' at all.

 

When you love someone, you don't wonder what its like to be single and mess around. You just want that one person.

 

You should not be getting married to this man, and he should be ending the engagement with you saying things like that.

 

Sorry to be so direct.

[heartshaped]

Having personally gone through this and having had many friends who have as well, I don't really have a good answer for you.

 

I think committing to someone so seriously so early in life never ends well especially if you haven't had any real dating experience.

[CptSaveAho]

you can't stop it...

 

just dont be a total moron and wreck your life

 

stay away from drugs, dont get knocked up, dont go into an insane amount of debt

 

.... its part of life though for some...... hopefully your trip is short

[silverstarlight]

But I do love him, more than anything! That's why these thoughts are so confusing and frustrating. I really just want them gone.

 

I don't want to just give in to those thoughts because I know that kind of a lifestyle would just make me miserable and would not be what I want.

[veggirl]

Please don't get married for at LEAST 5 years. People who get married at 22 are the ones who are divorced at 28. You are waaaaaaaaaay too young. Most people feel like their first love is the one and like they will be miserable with anyone else........then they go on and live life very happily with other partners.

 

I'd suggest pre-marital counseling with him and independent counseling by yourself.

 

Does your bf know you have these thoughts, does he feel the same?

[soccerrprp]

Far too often, GIGS is not something you can directly control. This is especially true if you are young, inexperienced or your relationship is not ideal in your mind. Good luck.

[GoodOnPaper]

I notice that when you write about this man, you don't use the word 'love' at all.

 

When you love someone, you don't wonder what its like to be single and mess around. You just want that one person.

 

You should not be getting married to this man, and he should be ending the engagement with you saying things like that.

 

Agree. I've been through this routine. Had a 2-year LTR in college and we were planning to go to the same grad school, get engaged, the whole nine yards. Then all of a sudden she does a 180 and dumps me with the excuse that it was because I was first boyfriend and she wanted more experience.

 

For a woman at age 21, dating is like being a kid in a candy store -- I imagine that the temptations are just to hard to resist. The fiance's prime isn't going to hit for at least 8 or 10 more years. Between now and then, he just needs to be smart enough to avoid committing to someone who isn't completely sure of her attraction to him.

[xxoo]

If you are going to be in your relationship, mindfully be IN your relationship. Focus on gratitude for what you have.

 

It is a life lesson to learn that the grass isn't greener on the other side. If you are very lucky, you can learn that lesson through close observation of the mistakes other's make, and not have to learn it through your own mistakes. If you've truly got something good, focus on caring for it, and caring less about what others have.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's obvious you care deeply for your finace. The situation you're in is very difficult.

 

My blunt opinion is that you're too young to get married. Yes, I realize there are couples who marry at a young age and who have successful, happy marriages. However, you've got some doubts. They were serious enough for you to discuss them with your fiance and bring you here for advice. Those doubts aren't likely to just up and disappear. You haven't had any real dating experience and if you're having second thoughts now, it isn't the right time to get married.

 

Ultimately, you also don't know for a fact that you'd regret leaving. That's what you tell yourself to reassure yourself that your fiance is the only one for you -but nobody can predict the future or deny hypothetical scenarios with total certainty.

 

I think you need to do some real soul-searching and hold off on planning a wedding for now. Take your time and really think carefully. Are you prepared to commit yourself to this man forever?

[Driver]

I seriously had to go back and check the date of this post and see if it could have been written by me two years ago. Because it honestly sounds like exactly what I wrote when I was 21, engaged too soon, to a man (or a boy, really) I cared about very deeply, just like you care about yours. I had always had some slight, barely noticeable but continually present, unsettled feeling about being with him. But because I loved him and truly thought we were so compatible, I discounted those feelings to "GIGS." Then we got engaged. I felt anxiety. I didn't know why. I rationalized it all more and more. And I never thought there could ever be anyone else out there for me. But then, he went away and I met someone else and...long story short, I ended up slowly falling for someone else (my current boyfriend of two years). I tried to rationalize my way out of that, too. I thought he was going to be the "GIGS guy" and I would soon find out that my ex fiancé was the one I should have been with. And you know what? I never found that out. I realized that the tiny, nagging doubt in the back of my mind was trying to tell me something -- slow down, is this really the person for you? Even though he is a great person and you have a soulful bond, is this really it? They say that when it feels right you just know... Well, now that I am in a relationship that really feels right, I do know. There is an inner feeling of peace. And there won't be so much questioning... Just knowing.

 

I know how hard it must be for you to hear people saying these things. I know, because I have been there. My suggestion is for you to slow down and not be afraid to listen to your gut. It doesn't matter if you can sit and list a bunch of reasons why someone is so perfect for you. It matters that you really believe that someone is so perfect and don't even need to think about it.

[Leigh 87]

Not many people that get together with their partners when they are late teens, early 20's, last a life time.

 

Why? Because when you guys first met, you didn't know what love was. This is true.

 

No 17 or 18 or even 19 year old truly knows what all encompassing love is.

 

You are too young to know who you are or what love is, and it takes EXPERIENCE to know when it is true love.

 

It is literally a lotto, where two people who got together THAT young as you and your partner did, actually know what true love is and manage to stay together without growing apart.

 

Read^^^^ a lottery. At that age. For true love to be realised.

 

My best friend met a older guy when she was 17. She was infatuated and it was a head over heals in love scenario, so she thought...

 

She realised 3 years later that it was infatuation and chemistry; not, in fact, being IN love with him. Though he was with her.

 

She soon found her current partner who she IS " in love" with.

 

 

Even if you do fall in love at that age, you are going to grow and change WAYYYY too much in order to sustain that love!

 

As hard as it seems, I suggest you perhaps be single for a while and find out more about what you want and need from a guy.

[Vogeltron]

If you are truly soul mates than no need to get married right now. The younger most people get married the higher chances of divorce. Especially for the younger generation. I am 26 now, had I married my college GF when I was 21-23 I think I would have already been divorced.

 

Take your time find out who you are. Seems like women begin to get an idea about 23-24 and men get and idea between 24-28.

 

To be honest, if I where a chick. I would wait until I knew if the person I was with was going to have at-least a decent career, business or way of providing for himself. Before going down that route.

[silverstarlight]

Thank you for your thoughtful advice everyone. My fiance and I have not set a date for the wedding yet, we are planning on getting married sometime after college.

 

Soul-searching will definitely be in order. I am in a really tough position here because I love him deeply (despite some posters claims that I don't actually love him) and I have never had a deeper connection with anyone. I know what we have is really something special. I think that if I had meet him five years later in my life, I would have none of these doubts because I would have had more experience.

 

In one of the comments above someone posted that they had a similar situation to mine and felt "constant lingering doubts". I guess it's confusing because my doubts aren't constant. Almost all of the time when I'm with him or away from him I feel really happy and content. These thoughts only seem to pop up occasionally. My worry is that they are persistent. That's what concerns me most.

 

I know I do need to do some serious self-examination. I need to figure out if this is just a selfish, immature, 20-something desire to party and do all manner of stupid things, or if it is deeper issue that has to do with the relationship itself. If it is the former, acting on these G.I.G.S. thoughts could completely ruin my life and cause me to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. But if it's the latter, then I'll need to do some more self-reflecting... I am pretty sure that it's just selfish and immature desires on my part, but I don't want to rule anything else when I'm being honest about my future and myself. The issue here is that it's not any one person or thing or life I want outside of him. I want to be with him more than anything. It's just this vague feeling of other things being out there that I want to experience. I just don't know the answer to this question!

 

I'm terrified that he really is the one for me, and that I'm going to end up losing him just because I want to be a selfish idiot...

[Mariposa10]

I know you want to be honest and all that... But those kinds of comments I would keep to myself... Those comments are TOO HURTFUL.

 

When my ex and I started having lots of problems I was so frustrated and I brought up the whole idea of "dating other people" I wasn't really serious because what I had with him was perfect blah blah, even though I don't believe in soulmates, he was one of the closest things to that concept.

 

Anyway, to make things short, my comments hurt him DEEPLY. He started checking out the relationship after that. He ended up meeting someone and the rest is history.

 

My advice, you don't always have to communicate EVERY SINGLE idea that comes to your mind. I wish I had never said that to my ex because I know I hurt him deeply, but after that I paid for the consequences.

 

So don't be surprise if you keep making the same comments your boyfriend one day might start thinking the same and checking out of the relationship without saying anything. I hope the damaged has not been done.

[jimloveslips]

I know you want to be honest and all that... But those kinds of comments I would keep to myself... Those comments are TOO HURTFUL.

 

Yep, everything Mariposa said...

[silverstarlight]

I know you want to be honest and all that... But those kinds of comments I would keep to myself... Those comments are TOO HURTFUL.

 

When my ex and I started having lots of problems I was so frustrated and I brought up the whole idea of "dating other people" I wasn't really serious because what I had with him was perfect blah blah, even though I don't believe in soulmates, he was one of the closest things to that concept.

 

Anyway, to make things short, my comments hurt him DEEPLY. He started checking out the relationship after that. He ended up meeting someone and the rest is history.

 

My advice, you don't always have to communicate EVERY SINGLE idea that comes to your mind. I wish I had never said that to my ex because I know I hurt him deeply, but after that I paid for the consequences.

 

So don't be surprise if you keep making the same comments your boyfriend one day might start thinking the same and checking out of the relationship without saying anything. I hope the damaged has not been done.

 

I'm scared of this too. I know I already have hurt him deeply by what I've said and he's really worried I'm going to dump him. I talked with him more about it this morning and now I'm an emotional wreck. The possibility that I could lose him is hitting home and I'm panicking at the thought of it. I can't imagine my life without him. I'm scared that I'm going to turn my life into a train-wreck and hurt everyone I love because I can't seem to handle the idea of commitment even when it's really him that I want...

[jimloveslips]

I can't imagine my life without him... it's really him that I want...

 

So tell him!

[CarrieT]

I am 21 and he is 23.

 

You don't have GIGS. You have half-baked brain syndrome.

 

In short, the frontal cortex of your brain is not fully connected and will not be so attached for another five or six years. And in those intervening years, you are going to go through SO MANY CHANGES of personality and conscious which cannot even be described.

 

Many of us went through this. I was found my "soul mate" at 20 and got married. And then we got divorced by the time we got to 25.

 

The best thing you can do -- if you want to stay together -- is to have a LONG engagement. I'm talking eight to ten years, seriously. Who you are and what you really want out of life will not truly manifest itself until you are closer to thirty.

[nescafe1982]

...have a LONG engagement.

 

This. I'm not convinced that cold feet is a dealbreaker no matter what age you are. Some folks just have it in them to fret-- it's a personality thing and I think that what matters in a marriage isn't whether we have occasional (not I said "occasional") doubts but what we do with those doubts.

 

That said, you are both very, very young. There shouldn't be a rush to get married if you're both in college and not planning a family yet. I'm happy to see you're waiting to set a date until after you both graduate. I think that's the right thing to do.

 

In the meantime, get some pre-marital counseling. It's the best way you can inoculate yourself from marital problems later on. I firmly believe every couple ought to do it before setting a date.

[xxoo]

I married at 20. Still happily married at 40.

 

BUT--I would never recommend anyone marry if they are having doubts, or think that they are missing out on anything by marrying. Those thoughts demonstrate that you are not ready to marry. Whether it is because of your age, your experience, or your relationship may be yet to be seen.

[silverstarlight]

Yes, we are planning on having a very long engagement, and he's perfectly fine with it being as long as it needs to be for both of our sakes. It's not as if either of us feels like we need to get married right NOW, and nor do we want to. We spent all afternoon talking in each other's arms, and I actually feel a lot better about it now. I know there's no pressure from him on it and that he truly wants whatever is best for me, whatever that path may be. He'll support me no matter what happens.

 

The poster above who talked about "half-baked brain syndrome" has a very good point... I think my issue is that I am just starting to find out who I really am, and so it is causing me to question everything in my life, including my relationship. This may be something that is more about me working through my issues rather than anything that has to do with him.

 

I also think seeing some of the mistakes of my friends have gotten me worried about my choices by extension. Last May my best friend got married at the age of 19 to a guy ten years older than her who turned out to be emotionally abusive. He was also her first boyfriend. I tried so hard to get her to back out of it but she refused to see reason. I think that and some other things I've observed have gotten me thinking a lot about my life and my choices. I just don't want to rush into life changing choices without being certain of them and certain of myself.