jimloveslips Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I guess this is my mid-life crisis. I am very happily married - my wife is great, we have fun together, sex is as good as it was when we first got together nearly 15 years ago. I've been very fortunate to have had several women who I can easily say were loves of my life and my wife is no exception, nothing about her is less than any of my previous relationships (in fact for giving oral she is the best) So why do I keep thinking about other women? Not only that but I'm doing a lot of porn and jacking off a lot more than usual. Most of my dreams are about ex-gfs and all the sex we had and especially all the eating I did - I really love that, and back then they were such juicy girls. I have no more stress than usual from life - work, children, parents, health, money etc etc are as they have always been, there's nothing I can point to to explain a change. Why can't i just be happy with the very nice life I already have? I'm very scared I'm going to do something stupid, get caught, and have it all disappear. wtf is wrong with me?
mea_M Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Well, My question for you is this? Are you happy with yourself? Mea:)
Author jimloveslips Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 appreciate you taking the time to reply... well, the best fun I have is when the wife and i go for a ride somewhere, have breakfast or lunch, hang out at the beech, or somewhere scenic, tootle around in the car, walk a bit, then drive right back home - perfect... hey if we make out later (or during!) it's double perfect then I'll be walking the dog and some runner goes past me and I wonder what she looks like naked... or worse still I'll be shopping and catch myself staring at a girls breasts, ass or... I have some very specific fantasies about some very specific women which I'm really not comfortable writing about as I'm going to sound like a total *******, which I cannot get my head around: they really defy logic and reason I have a "nice" life, the same as any other person going to work every damn day, a lot nicer than most probably - as I said before I have the same real life worries every one else has, again probably below that of most, I'm very lucky. i'm healthy, solvent and a roof over my head, and a damn fantastic woman to share it with... on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I was an 8.5 - i'm pretty sure most people would recognize that as ridiculously happy in this day and age. the 1.5 that doesn't get me to a perfect 10 is irreconcilable mental ridiculousness! i really have no right to not be a very content man (outside of the state of the world and america in general!)
love1336x Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Maybe you are bored with your wife? Would she want to do a three some?
JoelBarish Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I can relate to you. Before my ex broke up with me I was always checking out girls. I wouldn't do it when my gf was around but I did it a lot. I always wondered if I was settling and felt I could do better than my ex. But I never did act on any of these fantasies, I valued my gf and I didn't want to lose what we had. Now that she broken up with me and has moved on. I know how much I still wish I had that relationship but it is gone. It's okay to look, but don't give up on your relationship that you really value over the prospect of greener grass when you already have what you want. 1
love1336x Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think it's human nature to look... As humans we are NOT monogamous creatures... It's just known fact. our social world that we have created tell us we have to be faithful... we have to stick to one person... I know you love your wife... and as long as you don't act on your feelings you should be fine.
Renard99 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I agree with Love1336x. It's human nature to look. I've done it myself. I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman who is a million times better for me than my ex. The relationship is just as fresh now as when it started 2 years ago and it's great........ .......yet when I go out for a jog, I do find myself looking at other women......... however, I would never change a thing about my gf, i love her dearly and would never act on any of the random thoughts and fantasies I have. 1
xxoo Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I'm very scared I'm going to do something stupid, get caught, and have it all disappear. It's normal to look, but it isn't normal to be so tempted that you fear you will cheat. Why do you fear you will do something stupid? Have you thought through your boundaries with women, assuring that you aren't putting yourself in the position of temptation? Or are you willingly taking steps in the direction of an affair?
drpepper1886 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think you should take a month or two off from pornography and masturbation and see how you feel then.
Ronni_W Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 ...sex is as good as it was when we first got together Given your sex life is "good", the porn and masturbating and sex fantasies could be how your psyche has chosen to deal with -- well, actually to NOT deal with -- some other underlying thing that is actually missing from within...but that having to acknowledge/admit to yourself is lacking in your life will be even more confusing/painful/difficult to face than a porn-and-sex-fantasies addiction (does that make sense?) So...if you had to guess, what is the real cause of your current unfulfillment? Is it a more personal, internal thing? How do you fulfill your desires/need to feel safe in the world, important/significant, spiritually nurtured and sustained? Other than just taking care of wife, family, bills. i really have no right to not be a very content man Actually, yeah you DO have a right to feel discontent, unfulfilled. Your feelings are trying to tell you something, to point you in some direction...I know you're trying to figure out what that is. (I don't think the direction is porn or an affair or just to keep jerking off until the end of your physical life, though .) But. Even if you didn't have the absolute right to feel whatever you feel...you feel it, regardless, and which is perfectly fine and acceptable.
Author jimloveslips Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Or are you willingly taking steps in the direction of an affair? If I didn't get caught, sure! I've know guys who just screw around without any worry about whether they will get caught or not, they seem to be in relationships where the woman is so desperate she'll accept any behavior from him, but I don't want to hurt my wife in any way...
Author jimloveslips Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 I think you should take a month or two off from pornography and masturbation and see how you feel then. is there an off switch?
Author jimloveslips Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Actually, yeah you DO have a right to feel discontent, unfulfilled.... Even if you didn't have the absolute right to feel whatever you feel...you feel it, regardless, and which is perfectly fine and acceptable. I like what you are saying! I guess my problem is I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and why now. Really nothing in my life has changed that significantly to impose even a subtle emotional / sexual change. I guess if I could say "Ah too much chocolate this week" I'd know why, and be able to do something about it. Someone else said cut down on the porn and self stimulation, but I think that's an effect not a cause... as I think the weird fantasies are too - the problem is a cause of what? As I said at the beginning - the mid-life crisis - which seems to encapsulate a whole slew of life changes maybe my only "diagnosis" - and I guess in a sense I'm fine with that, as it will pass and I'll get back on track. Again my worry is in the meantime I'm going to screw up, by acting on some impulse, that I should wait out, but can't resist...
xxoo Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 If I didn't get caught, sure! I've know guys who just screw around without any worry about whether they will get caught or not, they seem to be in relationships where the woman is so desperate she'll accept any behavior from him, but I don't want to hurt my wife in any way... I didn't ask if you are willing to cheat. Although I'm a bit disturbed that you are! I asked if you are willingly taking steps in the direction of an affair. People say it "just happened", but that's not true. First you allow yourself to be alone with someone you have sexual desire toward. Then you voice your sexual desires. Then you touch the person. Then it "just happens". Many people have temptation. MOST people have temptation at times. But we proactively take steps to avoid situations that would facilitate cheating. Are you doing that? Have you told your wife that you have these temptations?
Ronni_W Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Again my worry is in the meantime I'm going to screw up, by acting on some impulse, that I should wait out, but can't resist... Oh...you mean like my 1-year old grandchild who has absolutely no impulse control at this stage of his life? Because you can't mean like the 4-year old who is already demonstrating pretty good self-control skills. When you go to act on your feelings, it will be conscious and deliberate. It will not be "a mistake". Not that any action on your part will be up for judgment...just if/when it happens do not try to BS yourself or anyone else that it "just happened" and you were "powerless" or "helpless" to stop it from happening.
Copelandsanity Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Don't tell your wife please. If you tell her this, you will devastate her. Since you're happy with her, it's not even a problem she's actively causing to you or the relationship. She will feel inadequate and may even feel that you are cheating already by having these thoughts. You need to figure out a way to work through this. Marriage is HARD, even for the happiest and most satisfied couple out there. It's also a choice. You choose to commit yourself to this person because of all of the amazing qualities she has. You choose to faithfully follow your vows 100% for every single day of your life. As for specific tips, try self-affirmation. Affirm to yourself everyday the commitment you've made to your wife. Affirm to yourself everyday the desire you have for your wife. Keep pictures of her at your computer, at your work desk...carry them with you when you're out to remind yourself of her.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I wish the term mid-life crisis had never been invented as it gives people who would normally be content working on impulse control to abandon their morals, principles, sense and marriages. Everyone likes to think there is something more, something sexier, something happier, but those of us who know that it is a fleeting impulse desire think about the fallout more than the immediate gratification. I see a few of my friends using their mid-life crisis as excuses for bad behavior and honestly, they are losing everything. Being a man involves: 1. Putting your family first, because you chose them and you gave them the sense that you would be safe, secure and a co-leader of your household. 2. Enjoying your life as it is because you built that life and if you are not happy, it is only your fault and you don't get to bow out when you feel "horny." 3. Understanding that we don't get everything we want, because our bodies and desires can make us selfish little jerkwads so we have to distract ourselves with being happy with what we have even if it doesn't scratch an itch. You are the billionth man to have these feelings...you aren't special...you aren't going to die from this...you just need to reevaluate what really makes you happy and understand the rest of it is just testosterone. Grumps 2
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