Shara21 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Hey everyone, I'm in a relationship with an amazing man with several great qualities but has a tendency of taking things a little too personally at times. He can frequently get upset by me suggesting that he does something a little differently. A good example would be when we arw driving together and I suggest he slows down/ breaks a little earlier etc or even sometimes when we are discussing something and I suggest he should try to carry the conversation a little more. I know he has had very critical step fathers growing up and an absent mother and suspect this has everything to do with it. I'm wondering if anyone has either been through this and has suggestions for a non confrontational way I can bring things up or rather a way he won't perceive as confrontational OR if there is someone on here who has a tendency of having strong reactions who can help me understand his frustrations better Thanks!
hppr Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Hey everyone, I'm in a relationship with an amazing man with several great qualities but has a tendency of taking things a little too personally at times. He can frequently get upset by me suggesting that he does something a little differently. A good example would be when we arw driving together and I suggest he slows down/ breaks a little earlier etc or even sometimes when we are discussing something and I suggest he should try to carry the conversation a little more. I know he has had very critical step fathers growing up and an absent mother and suspect this has everything to do with it. I'm wondering if anyone has either been through this and has suggestions for a non confrontational way I can bring things up or rather a way he won't perceive as confrontational OR if there is someone on here who has a tendency of having strong reactions who can help me understand his frustrations better Thanks! You need to learn how to 'not sweat' the little things. That kind of behavior from a woman can drive a man nuts.
TheGuard13 Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Sounds like you're oversensitive about some things too, namely his driving. It's rude to tell someone how to drive, and yes, that kind of thing drives some men nuts. You certainly don't want to scold him in the moment. Find a calmer, more appropriate time to bring up subjects like that.
salparadise Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 (edited) As the others said, if it's not something you must address, then don't. Nobody likes to be micromanaged whether they're sensitive or not. His body is not an extension of your mind. If you have notions about designing a custom fitted man by changing a bunch of behaviors to suit your preferences, then you really need to do a reset and examine your expectations. Everyone wants to be validated and accepted, and being critical is the opposite of that. It will ruin a relationship in no time flat. If it's something that absolutely must be addressed, do it at a time when he'd be most receptive and phrase it in a way that doesn't come across as critical. For example, saying "I feel anxious when we're following another vehicle too close" makes it your issue rather than his, and it makes it easier for him to receive the message and voluntarily make an adjustment. And saying it while you're driving would be better than when he's driving. Even so, choose wisely and don't sweat the small stuff. Edited October 6, 2013 by salparadise 2
Copelandsanity Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 As the others said, if it's not something you must address, then don't. Nobody likes to be micromanaged whether they're sensitive or not. His body is not an extension of your mind. If you have notions about designing a custom fitted man by changing a bunch of behaviors to suit your preferences, then you really need to do a reset and examine your expectations. Everyone wants to be validated and accepted, and being critical is the opposite of that. It will ruin a relationship in no time flat. If it's something that absolutely must be addressed, do it at a time when he'd be most receptive and phrase it in a way that doesn't come across as critical. For example, saying "I feel anxious when we're following another vehicle too close" makes it your issue rather than his, and it makes it easier for him to receive the message and voluntarily make an adjustment. And saying it while you're driving would be better than when he's driving. Even so, choose wisely and don't sweat the small stuff. This is great advice. I'll add that you shouldn't feel that you should hold back your thoughts and feelings. But it's the way that you express them that matters. When you become critical, it automatically puts the other person on the defensive, and it becomes a vicious cycle. 1
DreamFinder Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) I had an ex-girlfriend who was very sensitive. I tried to tease her playfully and she would take it the wrong way and then instead of keeping the banter she would cross a line and say something intended to be hurtful. It really made things difficult in our relationship because I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. It's like she would remember things I had said and bottled up those feelings into resentments only to bring them up during arguments about something entirely different. That's when things began to unravel. But, yes, it is difficult because everyone has different experiences with what happened in their childhood and years past that shaped them. My ex even asked me curtly when I got my driver's license because she didn't like that I was too cautious of a driver (she was the speed demon between the two of us). That really irked me and I didn't feel was necessary. But that's just one example where tone of voice and body language can affect the message in a negative way. Now, let me offer some solutions. How are you suggesting these things to him? Are you saying them in a judgmental or condescending tone? Oftentimes that CAN make things worse. So maybe frame your comments to him a little different. Like saying in a steady voice, "Honey, could you please slow down a little bit?" And then if he does, thank him or put your hand on his knee while he is driving. You want to reinforce the idea that you are not judging him but trying to communicate how you feel in a nonthreatening manner. Edited October 7, 2013 by DreamFinder
DreamFinder Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 This is great advice. I'll add that you shouldn't feel that you should hold back your thoughts and feelings. But it's the way that you express them that matters. When you become critical, it automatically puts the other person on the defensive, and it becomes a vicious cycle. Both you and sal hit the nail on the head. I wish I could 'like' this over and over. Well said and I completely agree about how it can trigger defensiveness which makes matters even worse and causes a vicious cycle, just like you said.
EasyHeart Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Hey everyone, I'm in a relationship with an amazing man with several great qualities but has a tendency of taking things a little too personally at times. He can frequently get upset by me suggesting that he does something a little differently. A good example would be when we arw driving together and I suggest he slows down/ breaks a little earlier etc or even sometimes when we are discussing something and I suggest he should try to carry the conversation a little more. I know he has had very critical step fathers growing up and an absent mother and suspect this has everything to do with it. I'm wondering if anyone has either been through this and has suggestions for a non confrontational way I can bring things up or rather a way he won't perceive as confrontational OR if there is someone on here who has a tendency of having strong reactions who can help me understand his frustrations better Thanks! Been there, done that. The best way to deal with these people is to run away and find someone else. They have deep-seated issues they need to resolve, and unless you are a licensed psychiatric professional, that's not your job. Do yourself a huge favor and move on to someone else.
Recommended Posts