What am I missing?

[starryeyedsurprise]

I haven't posted in a long time. I feel like I need help understanding what I have been through. I got involved with a guy at work 7 months ago. On our first date, he explained how he was living with his ex for financial reasons, and they have been broken up for months before I entered the picture. So with that info, I still decided to continue the relationship. His ex was a red flag, and always one of the reasons why I could never fully 100% trust him.

 

Over the course of the first few months, we dated, had long weekends, saw each other daily, talked, texted, met his family, he met mine...all the normal things people who date do. After a few months, he told me he was in love with me, and talked about the future tons. I thought I hit the jackpot. We got along so well, people knew about us, we were becoming great friends....we fell in love with each other.

 

Yet, I always had this nagging feeling about his ex. So about 6 months into the relationship, I decided to look her up on facebook. I was thrown!!! Her status showed engaged!!!! I guess he forgot to mention that to me.

With all the threats I put on him, to tell her about me, he always came up with an excuse, that it was never the right time. At that point I officially became the OW. He was so insistant and persistant with me. Told me over and over that nothing was going on between them, they haven't had sex in a long time, and were totally over before I came in the picture.

I guess reality is hitting me hard. We went from planning a future, to finding out he was engaged, to me breaking up with him.

He spent 7 months trying to convince me that I was "the one" and it's all over now. About 2 weeks ago, I went to his house, and he had me pick up the keys to his house in his car. When I looked in the car, there were 4 pictures of him and his "ex" at a wedding a few weeks back (I knew about the wedding, mutual friends of theirs) In these pictures, they were all over each other, kissing and hugging. I was devastated.

 

Once I saw these pictures, I tried to end it while I was there, but he wouldn't let it go saying that I am reading it wrong....REALLY!!!! A picture is worth a thousand words. He can't fool me, I know I don't walk around kissing my exes.

Today is day 6 of NC. I sent him a final email last week, telling him that I am not a choice or option, and I was not going to come in the way of him and her. Whatever their status is....is no longer a concern, I can't live like this. I walked away.

 

I can't believe their are rotten, horrible, lying, cheating people out there. It physically makes me sick to think that I "shared" this man. Like I said, he had me so convinced it was done with them, and even everytime I tried to end it with him, he wouldn't let me go. I always said fix your home life, then we can continue. There were times he even cried.

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fanine]

Mine was similar. Lied to for months about the real picture whilst creating with me what I thought was a real relationship.. It is the worst feeling to have been duped like this.

Please stay strong and maintain the NC. I was stupid and went back to mine twice when he came chasing me, begging me to be with him. I will always regret I wasn't strong enough the previous times.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I have actually done a ton of research on the internet, and I am afraid I was with a Narc sociopath. He did all the things on the list...love bombing, lying, manipulating, cheating, putting me on a pedestal in the beginning, promises of a future, etc.

I really think he what I mentioned above. Everytime I tried to end it, he came on so strong, calling, texting, looking for me. He would not let me go. I think he used me as well. I am a successful woman with a great job, home, car, family and money in the bank. I believe he used me for my resources as well. I did a lot of things I am ashamed of. He has a really really bad history and past. I helped him with his taxes, reinstating his license, even buying him shoes once. I was duped, and it sickens me. I am not acting like a victim here, just someone who is out of the fog. These types of people use others for sex, money, emotions, and I think he did all the above.

He was or is still engaged, and I can't imagine what is going through her head. They no longer live together, about 2 months now. It wasn't a break up as he got fired (from the job we worked together) and lost the apartment. She is with family, he is on a friends couch.

None of this makes sense.

[unicorn farts]

Starry, you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to break away from this jerk. So many women just give in to their relentless manipulation. You are a good person and deserve a better man. Stay strong, I am sorry you're hurting.

[starryeyedsurprise]

That's just it!! I would pay or buy or give him things, and he would make it seem like it was my idea. For example, he complained about his shoes for weeks, telling me he can't afford them, and he was getting foot fungus, etc. So I bought him a pair of shoes because I felt bad.

Then for months his license was suspended because of back child support, and he was always worried about getting pulled over, and brought it up constantly, so once again I felt bad and paid for it, only $70.00

But, no matter what, he always turned it around on me and made it seem like it was my idea. he played the pity card over and over and over.

I can't imagine how much more he would have taken from me if I would have stayed. I thought "we" were building a life together, so of course I was willing to help him out once in a while.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Ugghhh, sick...I am sick to my stomach. Not only was I the OW, but he was manipulating me. After all that I have been through in my past, and he knows it, he continued to F with me. I can't believe how many sick people are out there.

I look back at all the stories he told me and wonder how many of them were lies, and why? Why did he go out of his way to get me and then lie?

[fanine]

Ugghhh, sick...I am sick to my stomach. Not only was I the OW, but he was manipulating me. After all that I have been through in my past, and he knows it, he continued to F with me. I can't believe how many sick people are out there.

I look back at all the stories he told me and wonder how many of them were lies, and why? Why did he go out of his way to get me and then lie?

 

It's impossible to comprehend why some people can do this and I think we can find ourselves going crazy trying to work out why...

I too have had a difficult few years which mine knew about too. You sound a bit like me, a trusting person as you believed everything about the ex. As I believed everything about mine's so called ex wife. These type of guys are arch manipulators and I think they also read other people very well. I do believe there was some love for me in my situation, but he is simply a very selfish guy. He never really thought of the consequences.

You never did anything wrong though. Don't ever think you are stupid or too naive. It is a hard lesson learned unfortunately.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Wow, how many of us have the same types of stories. I know it's not me, but what the hell is wrong with these *********s?

It's like they thrive off of living a double and triple life, I am exhausted with just the one life.

I just realized how many things I did for him...pay his cell phone bill, gave him my old used laptop, brought him lunch to work, and bought Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning on the way to work, bought him cigarettes...now he did pay for me a few times, obviously he was beyond broke.

Reality is that he used me, either to play me and my emotions, or because he landed a chick who had her Stuff together. I fell for him, and fell hard. NC is the only way I will get over this, and I am happy he has not tried to contact me either.

Edited October 5, 2013 by starryeyedsurprise

[ComingInHot]

starryeyedsurprise, Can I hate this douche With you?!!!

What a jackhole!!

Again, this is SO Not your fault!! He lied about his status, manipulated you then I'll bet was probably actually surprised and "hurt" that You couldn't "understand"...

 

Is there any way you could inform his "fiance"? Does she even know who she is about to pledge the rest of her life to?!!

 

I WISH you didn't love this loser!! I WISH I could make it so you didn't hurt over any of this!!

You are SOOOOO MUCH BETTER than him and deserve only the best from Your Man!!! Pease don't forget this as you work through and try to make sense of this.

 

... yes there Are people in this world with zero conscience, no morals, w/out a soul, (you read and hear about it often). You dodged a bullet, no a Cannon and your strength is a testament for people Everywhere.!!

[starryeyedsurprise]

Yup - guys like him are masters at making everything seem like your idea and playing the pity card, but not enough so that you don't want them around.

 

After some of your conversations (before you knew of his engagement) did you ever walk away feeling like something just went wrong but you weren't sure what? And you brush it off because you can't quite pinpoint it?

 

Men like him can drive a woman crazy, literally. They are so good at twisting everything, and making you feel somehow responsible for anything bad that's happening, without coming right out and saying it - unless of course there is someone they can blame. But it is never, ever, his fault.

 

Since he was engaged, looking back, was there any gaslighting going on? Any time where you were sure of one thing, but he insisted you were wrong, or he didn't say that, or you DID watch that show with him? Anything of that sort?

 

Wow, now that I look back, there was so much gaslighting!!! Even when I found those pictures in his car, he tried to convince me that it was not his "ex" that it was a friend only, and that there was no kissing and only 3 pics.....Well in the morning when I left, I went back to his car, and saw for sure that it WAS his ex, there were 4 pictures, the 1st one kissing, etc. He went on for 30 minutes explaining an entirely different situation than what was in those pictures. Total douche bag liar. He tried to convince me that I was crazy, and no way in hell would he ever do that to me!!! He did call me crazy several times in that relationship, always when I caught him in a lie.

[yellowmaverick]

This guy is a real douche! He is shamelessly playing both you and his fiance. It 's better that you found out before he got married. Tell the fiance and move on without him.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Do you guys think it's a smart move for me to tell the fiance? I mean this guy is a sociopath, and he has threatened me in the past about telling her. I think he even made up stories about her, and her past...about how she was arrested before for beating up some girl that her ex was with. I know he is trying to use scare tactics on me, so I don't think I should go there.

 

I don't want or need anymore drama, I want him gone from my life and mind. I want to stop thinking about him already!!! ARRRRRRRGGHHHH

 

I am 37, my ex is 32 and his "fiance" is only 24!!!!

[lollipopspot]

This is like a Lifetime movie I saw, only at least the guy bought the girl a bunch of stuff to woo her. This guy expected you to pay for everything.

[starryeyedsurprise]

He's threatened you? I know you don't want any more drama, but seriously you should get a restraining order against him. Then you should tell. If you aren't going to tell, still get the restraining order.

 

If he is narcissistic, he won't go away until he feels he's won, or found another victim. If he isn't, he has some real narcissistic tendencies.

 

Did you ever see him lose his temper? What was that like? Was it way too much rage for whatever the offense was? Did he make sure everyone knew he was angry, and if they tried to continue with what they were doing he would go out of his way to ruin that for them?

 

Was he violent? Not just towards you, but in general. Did he break things when angry?

 

If he has threatened you, please get the restraining order. You already know you don't want him in your life, so you aren't losing anything, and you're putting on record that he has threatened you. He will be less likely to do anything once he knows that he'll be suspected of doing it.

 

I'm always in favor of telling, but you need to make sure you're safe first. An anonymous tip would be nice, but most BSs don't believe when the person in front of them is the other BS telling them what's happening. There is real denial as the reality is too painful. You can give it a try, but I wouldn't expect much unless you can somehow prove what you're telling her without letting her know who you are.

 

Oh God yes he has rage and anger issues. Not at me really, he would raise his voice once in a while, but not like I have seen him do to other people. The funny thing is that he knew I was not scared of him, and in fact told me on many occasions that he never lets anyone talk to him like I do. I was never mean to him, I would just call him out on his BS, or any lies I would catch him in. I never showed him any type of fear, because in all honesty I was not scared of him....I am however scared of the fiance, she is young and dumb and will probably not believe me.

 

I have witnessed his rage/violence about 3 different times. He completely loses control, his eyes get evil, his voice deepens and changes, and then feels guilt afterwards and apologizes to the other person. I guess I blocked that out of my mind somehow, that he is a violent person.

 

See, that is why I love coming on here, I keep thinking about all the good, and someone blocking all the bad.

 

Another reason he said his ex was in his life was because she has a 2 year old, with a different father. My ex basically raised her since she was 6 months old, and the little girl calls him daddy. He told me the only reason why he talks to the ex or fiancee whatever she is, is to keep her at bay so he can continue the father/daughter relationship with this little girl. So sick and twisted because if the fiance/ex did find out about me, she would cut him out of her daughters life ASAP!

 

I really don't want to get involved anymore. He will know that I told her, and he would probably make my life hell for a bit.

Edited October 6, 2013 by starryeyedsurprise

[starryeyedsurprise]

I really, truly and honestly don't think he is going to contact me anymore. I sent him an email last week saying that I am not a choice or option, and I am walking away. He sent a text after reading it saying that everything he does is always wrong, and that he doesn't want to hurt me or cause anymore pain.

 

That was 6 days ago, and I don't think he will contact me anymore.