Its ok for her to get a boyfriend, but gets angry when I get a girlfriend?

[landangel]

This is a VERY summarized version of my situation. If anyone needs the whole story to get further detail I can provide it. WARNING… it is a bit lofty but VERY juicy!!!

Ive been in an ON/OFF open relationship for the past 6 years with this woman. I was always clear about my intentions in that I was not ready for a committed relationship. She accepted that initially. Over time she fell in love with me and made it clear to me that I was the man she was willing to wait for and would be there for me when I was ready. She said that out of all the men in all her life I knew I was “the one”. We agreed to be “sexually exclusive” meaning that we could see other people but if one of us wondered outside of that arrangement we would tell the other. I did see other women but she claims she never saw other men. As things progressed her love for me grew deeper and stronger and with that her need and desire to have more of my time. Time I simply did not have to give.

 

Eventually she started to insist that we be in a committed relationship and that’s when things went south. As my time was already spread thin with my work (I travel often) she assumed I was sleeping with other women, which I was not. I did everything I could to convince her that I still honored our original agreement but her jealousy and insecurity just grew stronger and stronger. Finally one day after we just finished having sex she tells me she has a boyfriend. My natural response was “Ok, if you have a boyfriend then why did you just have sex with me?” She claimed they had not slept together which I found ridiculous given her extreme sexual nature. I said “then I better go” she then begged me to stay…. I left anyway. Over the following month our communication (which was daily) dropped to weekly. In that time we had sex two more times, one of which she claimed they broke up and the final time she finally admitted she was cheating.

 

The last night after we had sex and she admitted she was cheating I told her all my true feelings and said goodbye. The whole time she was cursing me and yelling at me to leave. I admit I was emotional and even cried as her affections had become a part of my life. . I am no fool, I know when to punch out and I was not about to be the backup emotional support for some other guy…. Even if she was cheating on him with me. I put my pants back on and exited stage left with my dignity still intact. I assumed that was it, the end, low and behold a week later she casually sends me a text inviting me over. However, things in my own life had taken a turn for the unexpected…. I too got into a committed relationship with an old flame. I responded by telling her I am sorry but I have a girlfriend now.

 

This is where I need to communities support. She replied in the most hatful way imaginable telling me to “f*ck off”, Im disgusting, she never wants to hear from me again, She only ever wanted me to love her, now she is going marry this new guy or “whoever”…. (She actually said “whoever”). But she also said I gave away what she always wanted and deserved from me to someone else. Over the next couple of weeks I got some other hatful texts saying similar things. I replied peacefully saying things like “I respect your feelings and hope you’re doing well”. The contact stopped for the longest period in over 2 years. I figured its done, she moved on. Then out of nowhere she sends a long winded and angry text thanking me for leaving her, how awful everything we shared together was, how I am nothing but evil, and how much happier she is now that I am gone. Perhaps it was foolish but I replied again by saying “sorry you feel that way but I hope you are doing well. That’s where things are at right now.

 

It is also worth noting that this is not the first time I have left her when she started seeing another guy. The difference is that I didn’t have a girlfriend then and just walked away. She kept perusing me and we eventually we started to see each other again after one year. My questions to the forum are:

 

1.) Why is she so upset and hatful toward me now that I have a girlfriend when she got a boyfriend first and even cheated on him with me?

2.) Did me getting a girlfriend make her want me more, or did it kill her hope and love for me and push her away?

3.) Why if she has a boyfriend did she cheat on him with me and continue to do so until I ended it?

4.) She says she hates me, but she has made quite an effort to keep contacting me to emphasize that point, does she actually hate me or is it just anger and sadness talking? Does hate = love in this situation?

5.) She has told me that she will always love me whether I love her or not and that I am “the one”. Is it over between us or will she continue to pursue some kind of relationship with me?

6.) How long will it take for her anger to subside and go away before she starts to communicate with me in a peaceful way?

7.) Did she get this new boyfriend because she just wanted to forget me, or was it to make me jealous?

8.) Given what you now know do you think she and I will ever again share what we shared before all this happened?

9.) I know it was an open relationship, but she got a BF first and still wanted to be intimate with me and then I got a girlfriend and ended it with her does that make me the Dumper?

10.) If I am the dumper, would NC work in my situation. Given that she got a BF first but I am the one that left when I got a girlfriend?

 

I know that is a lot to ask but any help would be appreciated. I will monitor the thread closely and answer as much as I can as fast as I can. Please keep the discussion respectful, informative, and non-judgmental. Thank you all!!!

[landangel]

Ok folks, here is some detail on the girl that will hopefully give some more clarity on the situation... please read and respond gently....

 

The girl:

slightly older than me, no formal education, not physical active at all, unemployed for over 5 years now and has made no effort toward finding any. Anytime I asked or tried to help her find work she would either attack me or blow it off by oversleeping. She has no income and is completely supported by the charity and good graces of her family and Gov. Assistance). She has Five (5) children from five (5) different fathers all of whom are unwed and illegitimate. Three were put up for adoption at birth and the remaining two are taken care of by her family. She has a Hardcore drug addiction (I won’t get specific) . She has a very promiscuous sexual history. In the 6 years I have known her she has had over 13 different partners (men and women, and not including me). She has a criminal record, which is one of the biggest reasons I have not committed to her and also because ALL… ( and I do mean ALL) of the people (myself excluded) that she associates with are either of a criminal nature or are also hardcore drug users . In fact the one commonality amongst all the men she has dating with the exception of me is that they all in one form or another share her drug habit (her new BF is a drug user as well) albeit he is employed which is a step up for her. She is prone to physical violence, although she has only ever acted that out 3 times on me.

I could go into more depth on her but I touched base on some of her defining characteristics. (I am not trying to make her out to be a monster) all those statements are 100% accurate. One of the biggest reasons that has drawn me to her is that my heart genuinely goes out to her. She has no control over herself and at times it seems she is incapable to telling ANY right from wrong. When I first befriended her I sought out to show her that there is a better way to do things… that there is a better way to live. For a time I was successful, but when I was not CONSTATNLY available to address whatever new drama was in her life she would let everything go to pot and we either had to start from scratch or I had to walk away before her self destructive behavior took me further down with her. I had always hoped that one day she would see the folly of her ways and we would have a real shot together. But she never did… its like she wants to remain a victim.. and I cannot abide by that. I too have standards and want a women who wants more for herself. Her idea of wanting something more was just having me. As long as I was there in her presence everything was ok. Well folks I am not a magic cure all pill and she never made any real effort to address her deeper fundamental issues. That is why when my current GF came into the picture I saw someone who possessed that character and virtues I was always hoping for in this other girl. There is love in my heart for her YES… but it is easy to love folly in a child. And Yes there is still a part of me that wants to keep her in my life but for the same reasons I have always had. Perhaps some misguided sense to parental love. I want to see her do better… I really do. And what I do know is that although her heart hurts because I am with another woman, I am not the FUNDAMENTAL issue afflicting her. To the contrary I have been the only consistent element that has kept her on track. I am making this information available for the sake of clarifying some specifics of the kind of person she is. I am not doing it to redirect any sympathy toward me. I would still like honest opinions….. HOWEVER; with this new information brought to light can the people joining the thread stick to answering the outlined question ask in the original post?

[barky2]

No,she doesn't want you to move on and scared you'll not always be there for her.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[landangel]

Damn barky, i actually posted this thread in another forum and where only women replied and all of them ripped me saying that her anger toward me getting a girlfriend is completely justified. Could you elaborate on your post a bit? More specifically do you think that after I told her I had a girlfriend did she lose hope, let go, and decide to its over between us. or do you think she will persist on contacting me and try to keep in in her life in some form or fashion? thanks for posting Barky!

[barky2]

You probably got ripped by people who are bitter.

 

Lol

 

My post means this, all dumpers or exes get mad when they see us living our life,not being sad and mopey

 

They hate the thought of us being happy with out them and sometimes with someone else

 

So continue on doing what you're doing if you're happy

 

If you're not then change what you're doing to make you happy

 

And honestly might make them jealous,bitter, ect if you started dating but honestly what I've seen and know, they only come back or bang down your door when something they think is better doesn't work out.

 

So don't give it or her another thought.

 

Seriously.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[landangel]

first off I think your assessment if more accurate in that you are impartial. Also thank you for taking the time to reply. Let me ask you this Barky.. I dont know if you got to read the full history in the orginal post but there is still a lot of emotion present. Your first reply you said that she is scared that I wont be there for her. Given what you know do you think that despite her having a BF she will continue to to make communicate (peacefully) and attempt to keep me in her life. If so how long would it take her to calm down and come to her senses? Also I think this relationship she is in is sort of a retroactive rebound relationship. She was cheating on him with me not 2 full weeks into it. I cant imagine she views it as a better option, simply what was available.

Edited October 5, 2013 by landangel