me understand why I can't break away from this horrible situation

[completelyjaded]

I am trying to break up with a man who I have been seeing on and off for a year and a half now.

We met through a dating site and were email friends at first for about 4 months. After meeting and dating him for several months something made me feel suspicious I discovered he was engaging in online sexual relations with several women and he was exchanging naked photos with them arranging to have sex with an ex girlfriend even ( but he denies it would even happen , I dont believe him ) It was a shock to find pictures of his penis on my laptop. I then also found out he had not only been lying to me he had also conned me out of money and stolen from my bank account. I reported him to the police and he got banned from several dating sites as a result of his behaviour. I also discovered he was into porn which seems to be a compulsion for him.

 

I realised he was in a bad way tho. he had been made homeless by his last partner of 11 years and was homeless when I met him. He had nothing at all to his name just a few clothes and possessions. He told me she was a right bitch who was having an affair then kicked him out when he found out. He said they hadnt had sex for several years his excuse being that he was unhappy hearing her children having sex in the next room. He also said she was also accusing him of watching porn which he constantly denied to me he was. Then he did finally admit it but that it was only a few months before they split. I dont believe him and I am certain her accusations were because he HAD been looking at porn, she must have known because she had the proof.

 

I took pity on him because he seemed traumatised by what had happened. He cited the fact he had an history of mental health problems. I am a compassionate person by nature and always give people a chance especially if they are disadvantage in any way.

 

We started seeing each other again and this time I was supporting him a lot financially , providing him with things for his new flat and feeding him. One of the agreements we had was he sought treatment for his mental health issues. In this time I found out he was going into sex cam rooms ... he even paid tokens to one of the girls these girls are on average MUch younger than him they tend to be late teens and early 20's he is in his mid 40's himself.

 

It has been rocky all this time. he allowed me to put filters on his computor so he couldnt watch any porn . He said he was going to put a filter on his phone to but didnt . I have told him I needed accountability because of what he has done in the past and this was as part of our agreement if I was to continue to help him. He also agreed to get help for his porn compulsion but he never did.

 

Sex over the months has dwindled to zero, he has stopped helping himself and expected me to step in when he over spent his limited money. he manipulates others over me by fudging the truth and makes me look out to be the bad person.

 

I found out recently he has still been looking at porn on his phone despite him saying he was ok and was resisting the need to. What horrified me most was that he has recently started to sign up to dating sites whilst seeing me and is seeking an online female prison penpal ... because he does the same thing over and over I KNOW it is because he wants to have sexual chat and exchange intimate photos.

 

I havent wanted to see or speak to him for several days all he brings me is misery with his lies.

 

I know he is treating me badly I KNOW I shouldnt even have helped him or had anything more to do with him after the first time.

 

This is very unhealthy situation for me . It is not like I am scared of being single as I am much better off with out him in my life both emotionally an financially. I also know this is more about him than me as I can gather from what he told me that he seems to behave in a predictable way repeatably over and over even if he knows his lies are hurting the main female in his life.

 

I have spent the last few days crying as to my stupidity in allowing this situation and worrying that the cycle with me will start all over again.. any thoughts anyone ?

[Eivuwan]

It's more about you than him because you're enabling him and trying to be his mother and therapist at the same time. What you need is a partner and a bf and you cannot get him to change because he has no reason to. What are you gaining from the relationship? You know what you have to do. This is not a problem that we are qualify to help you with. You need to ditch this guy and find a therapist to help you gain some insight into why you put other people's needs so much above yours.

[completelyjaded]

Yes you are right there. I am currently seeking professional help myself which I started two weeks ago. I have spoken to the them an have elaborated on me enabling him rather than helping him. Same with the mothering , I have no desire to do this for him at all any more

[completelyjaded]

Yes you are right there. I am currently seeking professional help myself which I started two weeks ago. I have already expressed that now I am enabling him rather than helping . Same with the mothering I have no desire to do that to anyone except my own offspring