NewLifeLady Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Hi there, I am new and joined specifically to post this. I want to start afresh new name, new country (possibly), new life and I may post about this elsewhere. My chief concern is how to be happy following divorce? My husband left me 5 years ago because his school crush was interested in him once he got married and eventually he wanted life with her. He came back after 9 months but wanted to "date" me and not marry straight away and I felt he was leading me on so ended it. Then I let our then 4 year old daughter visit and he abducted her. After police and court involvement for 2 years, she was found and I was allowed to see her but they said it would be too disruptive for her to change residence even though he was wrong to do what he did. I am so down and depressed. I still cannot understand why he left the marriage and did not want to re-marry and be a proper family. Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing though. I try every day to make myself happy. Itry to meet people.look after myself etc but nothing helps. He lives quite far away with our daughter so I cannot see her on a regular basis. I could move but due to financial and employment ties that won't be for 2 years. It would be a major culture shock for me to move though and he and all his family are there and will be trying to control the situation whereas I have no one. There is also low employment in the area so wondering how I will survive at first. In addition to this I have visited a few times and he always finds a way to put me down (not surprising) but my daughter now does it. Criticising my cooking and saying things like "it's more fun at dad's house". I so want to move on with my life and be happy but I don't know what will make me happy. Work is ok and friends are ok but I feel an overwhelming emptiness. I have met a few men. As I look young for my age I get approached by men in early 20's and with whom I do not feel a connection. Also I do not intend to have any more children. In online dating I get sincere men in their 50's and 60's contacting me- I am 35. I get younger men online but they seem to be players. I am finding out that apparently women of my age find it hard to meet a good guy for marriage so that is depressing me even more. I always felt that is is best to move on not harbour grudges etc but how can I move on? I miss my family that I had and I love my daughter and want to be near her but she prefers her dad and his family. I often feel like just cutting all ties and changing my identity and moving to another country to start over. The pain of losing my daughter is too much to bear. I think about her nearly all day everydayhow can I get over this terrible situation? The only solution seems to be move. I got legal advice and I am told we have joint residence nowjust that I cannot exercise my rights due to distance. However joint residence or not she will stay in her fathers home to avoid further trauma. After the indignity of it all I will have to be weekend mum picking up at weekends. In a strange place with no support. I wonder if this will do further psychological damage which I can ill afford.
JDPT Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 The thoughts of moving to another country and perhaps even "changing" your identity are clearly premature at best. You have a little life to look after and of course that goes without saying but you need to start prioritizing. I'm a 31 year old male and yes I do not have any kids but I hypothetically put myself in those shoes and I think my entire life would be ruled by my little guy/girl but of course I say this now, but life circumstances can steer us in any direction. Start by taking care of yourself. It all needs to come from within you. Think of your future and down the line. We all go through moments of despair and excruciating pain but know that these weak moments will eventually subside making room for better judgment and taking positive actions. I was in a similar situation as you are. The woman I was with decided to prioritize me as opposed to her kids, which I found odd. Later on down the line she realized what really matter which are her kids and I understood that fully as I would have done the exact same. I will also suggest professional assistance by way of a therapist if this is financially conducive for you. Sort yourself out, don't make abrupt decisions. 1
Author NewLifeLady Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Makes sense. I will be visiting for 2 years before I can move. I don't know if I can handle the hostility. I know he has not been truthful with his family and I don't really know them. I am havingb therapy and it is helping.My therapist says I have not "lost" my daughter and reassures me that the relationship can be continuedand possibly become close again when she is older but evidence says differently in my eyes.
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