Unintended Confusion

[Down_The_Rabit_Hole]

First time poster, so I'll keep this as short as possible. Also, thanks in advance. You guys are great for taking the time to help out.

 

Background - Joined Navy after first year of college. Do my 4 years and decide to rejoin the civy population. I get married to high school sweet heart during enlistment. With her 7 years, married 3 before she cheats on me and leaves me a tremendous wreck. I did all the wrong things at the end. Lived, hurt, and learned. Separated for a year and a half before divorce.

 

Six months after divorce (we were basically split up for two years now) and I rejoin the dating world. First time there, scary as hell. Find a nice girl. We have a lot in common, had great times, but something didn't feel exactly right. Not wrong, but I remember more passionate feelings when I was "in love" before. After 1 year with this GF (I'm 27, she just turned 30), she asks if I "love" her. I did not lie to her. I told her I cared a great deal for her, but I didn't know if it was love. She asks if I am able to love her. I don't know. We split on her terms, but I understand. I miss her but I'm not torn apart. I accept it and move on. This happened first week of June this year. It is now October. No contact with her at all.

 

I re-activate my facebook page. I usually keep it turned off but once every 6 months or so I'll turn it on and do a quick check-up on friends and deactivate it once again. She posts frequently and I saw her picture up on my stream. As I just changed my status to "single" I quickly sent her a message: "Glad to see you smilin' and things are going great for you, pretty lady. Tell Kiki (her cat that was in love with me) I said hello. Deactivating my account again. Stay beautiful. Later :)".

 

I did not expect a response, I just wanted to know that I had thought about her and hoped she was doing well. Before I can deactivate my account again she sends a message back that one of my old friends is now working at the same place she does, that she is doing well and wondered about how I was doing. She then sends me a message saying I can "text" her. I tell her I don't have her number anymore, she gives it again and I text her later that evening.

 

Texting turns into a 40 minute phone call catching up. When we were dating she said she never "stayed friends" with her ex's. So I'm slightly confused. At end of call, she says "text me sometime, and don't be a stranger." I suggest if she wants to catch up we could have lunch sometime. She says sure, and we hop off the phone.

 

I try to stay objective, but I have a few mixed signals and I'm considering very heavily what to do. I don't plan on texting her or talking to her for several more days just to get my on head straight. I was wondering if I could get an outside perspective. Thank you again for the help, and thanks that you read this. I'm terrible at short stories.

 

Down_The_Rabit_Hole

[r321148]

Well do you want her now? The reason you guys split was because you weren't sure about your feelings for her. If you're still not sure or you know you don't want anything to develop between you then it isn't fair to lead her on.

You sent her quite a flirty message after a long time and it seems she has grabbed onto it as a bit of hope. You only need to look at these boards to see how many people hope their ex's get back in touch. She may have got the impression that you're interested again and if you're still not then you need to be fair to her. I don't know the girl though so maybe she is just pleased you got in touch and will actually be OK with friendship.

If you just want friendship and are considering this with her then you need to gauge her feelings for you. i.e. work out if she is really fine with just being friends. If she is always hanging on for more and you know for certain you don't want things to progress then this won't be a healthy friendship for either of you.

Good luck

[Down_The_Rabit_Hole]

That is why I am confused at the moment. I still care for her a great deal, and I have missed her. But I won't fool myself, I'm still not sure if I "love" her. This may seem very bad... but am I capable of love anymore?

 

The separation/divorce that happened three years ago now really devastated me. I never had any doubts until the days she said she was done and walked out. It was the biggest shock of my life. Being young and naive is the only way I explain how I was.

 

This GF of the last year is an awesome woman, and I'm a good guy. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm not sure how to open up. I feel like I shut down 3 years ago and keep a level of protection around me at all times. I would like to try, but I may end up just hurting her all over again.

 

Any tips of how to open up again? Or has anyone been in this situation? Honestly, just any earthly advice is welcome. Is this also a part of "divorce mentality" with a different woman and three years later? Is this typical or am I just screwed up?

 

Also... I've relayed the facts as best I could. Am I right in thinking that she's still interested?

[Polak]

Number 1... the clues all point to her still being interested, you're right about that.

Number 2... that's hard to say, everybody is a little different. You obviously took the divorce very hard, and it affected you deeply, so some questions can't be answered immediately (But don't worry, everyone is always capable of loving again). Opening up may be a matter of going out more often and getting your mind off your past, or as far as counseling and/or therapy.

 

For the most part, don't lead her on too much. You can still hang out/text this girl but try not to go farther... gauge your feelings for her after a while and get a general measurement of where you stand. If you later on feel like she might be worth keeping longer, then you can move along further. If you continue with your current feelings of "not being sure", then save her (and yourself) the time and pain and be honest with her about it.