VELuscious Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Hello All: I am a new member. I joined Love Shack because I am confused on what I need to do and would like some advice. To make a short story long. . . . I am a openly gay male who began dating a closeted gay male back in June of this year. We saw each other over the course of a month and we grew really close to one another. At the one month mark, he had to leave for a week to another town for a conference and he told me that he would not be able to contact me because he was going to constantly be around his co-workers and he did not want them "discovering" that he was gay. Thus, for the entire week, I didn't hear from him until about 11:00 or 12:00 at night when he would call or text me when he was alone in his room. Most nights when he would call, I would already be asleep, so I actually didn't really hear from him for almost that entire week. This REALLY bothered me. It actually hurt me alot. After this happened, I grew distant from him and eventually I stopped speaking with him. He would text me to stop by his house and see him, he would ask me to go out of town on trips with him, and he would even ask to buy me dinner (in the comfort of his own home); however, I couldn't get past his "closetedness" at the time. For a month or so, I had to do some real soul-searching and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to work through our issues and give it another shot with him because I really liked him, I had strong feelings for him, and I he made me feel wonderful. . . .but, when I made contact with him again this past August, he had begun seeing somebody who lives 3-4 hours from us in another city. I asked him if it was serious and he told me that he wasn't committed and the other guy hadn't asked him to commit yet. So, I asked him to dinner as a friend. The problem is. . . .after dinner, he invited me back to his place and we rekindled our romance. We didn't do anything but make out, but he told me that he "missed me" and he was "confused" and "didn't know what he wanted." Well, for this past entire month of September, we embarked on what was both an absolutely passionate and heart-breaking, gut-wrenching romance for me. Although he said that he was not committed to this other man, he told me that he had strong feelings for both of us. The issue here is, while I knew about the other man, the other man did not (and probably never will) know about me. My honey began to feel guilty that he was dating two men at the same time because he said he was afraid of somebody getting hurt. I began to feel guilty too because, I knew in my heart, that his guilt meant that he was beginning to have stronger feelings for the other guy. . . . which hurt me in so many ways. At this point, I offered to remove myself from his life. . . and he was not happy about that at all. He said he did not want me to leave him alone and he did not want me out of his life, but he didn't know how to handle the situation anymore and it was stressing him out greatly. At the end of this past September, it became to much for me to handle. My guy was spending his weeks with me and every other weekend with this other man and it bothered me too much to continue. I told my guy to go ahead and explore his other relationship to see if if went anywhere. He agreed. He also insisted that I remain a part of his life. . . . many times. When I asked him why it was so crucial that I stay in his life, he told me that he didn't want to lose me because I was real, genuine, treated him well, and we had things in common. So, I tried. . . .but last week, I asked him to give me space for a while so I could sort out of my emotions and clear my head. I told him that I could not be his friend (not at this moment anyways) because I could not just turn off the feelings I had for him and be happy that he was with someone else. I also knew that being in contact with him would drive me insane and I would possibly risk doing or something that would damage a potential long-lasting friendship between us. His response was that he would be waiting for me when I was ready to talk to him again. I guess, my question is. . . .is "no-contact" appropriate in this situation? I would not consider our "break-up" to be as horrendous as some of the ones I've have read about on-line. I think our situation is a bit unique for the following reasons: 1) Our break-up mainly had to do with bad timing. There was never any cheating (unless you count what we did to his other guy), fighting, etc. We actually even told each other when we decided to cool things down that we were still interested in each other and would consider trying again in the future. . .if his long distance relationship doesn't pan out. 2) He actually wants to maintain contact with me and I wish the same. He actually started text-messaging me more after the break-up. It's actually very humorous because now he wants to know if I am dating or seeing anyone. Jealousy, perhaps? 3) He and I work in the same field. "No-contact" would make things a bit awkward between us. 4) I am the only one who knows about his situation. His family, his other friends, and his co-workers/boss do not know anything about this double-life he's living. So, I'm really the only person he has to talk to about this stuff and I don't want to ignore him in the event he needs support. Thoughts anyone?
melell Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 No contact is precisely for this type of situation! When something is hurting you, or causing you to analyze things, then the best cure is to let go. That doesn't mean things will never happen again, but it is really important for you to feel HAPPY regardless of the outcome. This obviously isn't making you feel to great, and really, how you feel is all that matters. No contact will help you let go of this, and it will put you in a much better position than the one you are in now-where the situation revolves around him. At the end of the day this just isn't fair on you, it can be justified to be 'ok' to stay in contact, but your feelings are involved, and unless you feel good about how things are then it really isn't ok. The push and pull of limited contact is really hard, it is more damaging than it feels at the time, and it really isn't worth it.
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