"I want to love you, but I can't"

[lostsoul6486]

My girlfriend and I recently had a trust issue and we have been working to fix it for the past few days. If you want more background, they're in my previous posts, but to make a long story short we both agreed that we violated each other's trust and that we want to work on our relationship to build it back up to what it used to be.

 

Now that that's out of the way, there was a party earlier this week that we attended. During the party, she kept getting phone calls that I noticed she kept ignoring until one of the times she looked at me and said that she was going to take a call and she'll be out in front of the house. It just so happens that while she was on the phone, one of my best friends was just arriving at the party and she didn't see him. When he got into listening distance, he heard her say something about the person on the phone leaving her alone and she sounded uneasy so he stopped and kept listening (he's pretty nosy lol). He told me that this was the exact way the phone call went since he started listening ("..." means there was a pause for the person on the phone to speak to her): "You shouldn't have called me...Because I'm trying to forget you and I can't do that if you hang around...Because if you're around I want to love you but I can't and that's not fair...We'll leave it at that." She said good bye and went back inside.

 

My friend came in about 15 minutes after her and immediately pulled me aside to tell me about the call he heard. The issue we had before had to do with me thinking she was cheating on me with a guy she has in class. Like I said, we've put it behind us and I've actually met this guy a couple of times already and I really doubt she cheated. It looked pretty bad, but any doubts I had about that are gone. They still see each other all the time and they're good friends which is fine by me.

 

But now this happened and I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe it's because this other incident is still so fresh? On one hand, it makes me feel good because it shows she's committed to me. There was a guy hitting on her and she told him to back off. That's good. On the other hand though, it makes me wonder why she's even with me. If she wants to love someone else, then why is she with me? I'm not saying she doesn't love me, but I feel like she's just settling for me for some reason. I don't know if this guy's an ex or someone she flirted with too much somewhere (she's very flirtatious which kind of bothers me, but I deal with it), but whoever he is it makes me feel like her second choice. What if this guy doesn't back off? How easy would it be for her to just walk out on me for him? Like I said, I'm not saying she doesn't love me. She tells me she does all the time and I feel like she does, and I love her too. The difference is that I don't want to love anyone else. I only want to love her and I thought that went both ways and it apparently doesn't.

 

I don't want to talk to her about this because we're still getting over the other incident and I think it would be too big of a strain on us. I don't even know if I'm blowing this out of proportion, but I've had a lot of time to think because she's been out of town. The night before she left, I went out to dinner with her and I asked her why she's with me. At first, she asked me where that was coming from. I told her to just answer the question because I needed to know. She told me that she's with me because she loves me and she gave me a kiss. I don't know what to think about this. I tend to over analyze things so I don't want to overreact.

 

Has anyone here, especially ladies, been in a situation like the one she's in right now? How worried should I be? She did tell him to back off after all.

[Eggplant]

How long have you been dating? Keep your eyes wide open. Watch her closely. You want a girl who's mad about you. If she isn't, be ready to bail.

[melell]

This is interesting, because I know of girls madly in love with their partners, but who also talk to other people (I know it is bad) for some sort of ego boost, or sense of power-all out of insecurities.

 

In my honest opinion, I would find it hard to tolerate this. And it would be exceptionally hard for anyone in the same situation to have healthy trust remaining after this.

 

BUT she is with you, and if she didn't want to be, trust me she wouldn't be.

 

The problem here is that this might continue, and the same situation might pop up over and over. Sometimes it is a case of emotionally maturity, and if she is not mature in this sense, don't expect her to suddenly start acting differently.

 

The situation you are in is unsettling, it isn't okay. She has created this, and unfortunately it could make things really bad. People don't often understand the damage they are doing.

 

From a logical point of view I would recommend that you either leave now, or give her one more chance. But be prepared for the reality of each outcome, because there is a lot of potential for things to go bad.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. Hugs.

[lostsoul6486]

This is interesting, because I know of girls madly in love with their partners, but who also talk to other people (I know it is bad) for some sort of ego boost, or sense of power-all out of insecurities.

 

In my honest opinion, I would find it hard to tolerate this. And it would be exceptionally hard for anyone in the same situation to have healthy trust remaining after this.

 

BUT she is with you, and if she didn't want to be, trust me she wouldn't be.

 

The problem here is that this might continue, and the same situation might pop up over and over. Sometimes it is a case of emotionally maturity, and if she is not mature in this sense, don't expect her to suddenly start acting differently.

 

The situation you are in is unsettling, it isn't okay. She has created this, and unfortunately it could make things really bad. People don't often understand the damage they are doing.

 

From a logical point of view I would recommend that you either leave now, or give her one more chance. But be prepared for the reality of each outcome, because there is a lot of potential for things to go bad.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. Hugs.

 

You're right. It is extremely hard to tolerate this and to be honest I don't know how I am. It should be mentioned that she entered my life at a hard time. In high school, I was an overweight kid with low self esteem. I had very little friends and girls were out of the question. I would tell myself it was because I didn't have time for a girlfriend because I wanted to do well in school, but really it was because I felt like I wasn't good enough for any girl. My junior year, I decided enough was enough. I lost 40 pounds and put myself out there. Through my first couple of years in my university I made a lot more friends. My girl problems never went away though. Most girls I met wouldn't even remember me until our third or fourth meeting. I tried to overcome my shyness but I pretty much gave up and decided that I could be happy alone. When I met her, she came on to me. She was actually the one putting the moves on. I was shocked and excited. It was one of those things where you want something and as soon as you give up on getting it, it falls into your lap. My self esteem went through the roof and my friends would even mention that they noticed a difference in me. We've been dating for seven months and I've been extremely happy for most of the time.

 

She's been out of town a couple of days and I haven't been able to stop thinking about us. I've just had so much time to run the thoughts through my head that I've exhausted myself yet I can't stop it.

 

There are times where I think, "It's okay. It's not like she told this guy that she wanted to see him. She told him she's not available and that he needed to back off. That's good." Other times though, I think, "Why is she with me if she wants to love someone else? Is this some ex that has come back into the picture? Is this just a guy she flirted with and led on one night and she actually ended up really liking him?" She used to be madly in love with me. She would tell me that if I asked her to marry me tomorrow she would say yes. She would talk about how she has never felt the same way about any of her previous boyfriends. Even last week, we had a small fight (I don't remember about what) where she got frustrated with me. A few minutes later she apologized, hugged me, and said that she knows it's hard for me to be with her right now but to please not leave her.

 

I just wish I would have never found out about that call. It makes me feel like either she never really felt that way or she no longer feels that way. I know for sure that there is nobody else in this world that I want to give my love to and knowing that there's someone out there she wants to share her love with really hurts me.

 

That dinner we had the night before she left really put me in a good state of mind. After I asked her why she was with me and she responded the way she did, I didn't even think about the call anymore. The food was great and I felt that love from her that I hadn't felt in quite a while. I even went and spent the night at her house (no sex, we just cuddled but it was still nice). That night was so great and such a step in the right direction, but after spending these couple of days away from her and having time to think I've found myself wondering if we could ever build this back up. We haven't talked at all. We have just exchanged very few texts and I've been the one to initiate every time. She's told me she loves me and that she misses me and I've replied with the same to her. I want us to work, but it's hard now knowing what I know.

Edited October 5, 2013 by lostsoul6486

[melell]

All I know is that you can't live your life anticipating bad things that might happen. You just can't. And if you do the result is lots of negativity.

 

All you can control is what you do. You have no power over her.

 

Try and remind yourself that there are 3.5 billion females on this planet, you are a good person, and who you are with doesn't dictate your worth. -leave it at that.

 

I really do think you need to not let this interfere with how you are together at the moment. Just let it go for now, and you will soon have an outcome, either good or bad.

 

The alternative of psychoanalyzing, and anticipation is not fun at all, and it can ruin a good thing for sure.