My everything cheated on me :(

[1Mind1Heart2Differ]

BACKGROUND INFO: Me & my ex (girlfriend at the time) had been dating for 8 months. She is my everything, NO ONE but her knows my true feelings. Before her I would keep everything to myself & just cry to myself at night. Although I know I'm a strong person & don't need anyone to be there for me. BUT since she came into my life she's been my rock... Soo I thought/think (IDK?) My ex has been through a lot in the past, her family is not the supportive, loving, caring type, but shes different from them, so she try to be. Her mother wasn't a good influence she was cheated herself. My ex shared with me how she didn't want to be like her family which made me see so much in her, although in my ex's past (before me) she fooled around, partied, & cheated I felt she was a changed person.

 

THE CHEATING: Soo as our relationship started I didn't think it would grow as strong as it did.. but it did! September 20, 4 days before our 8 months my GF told me she was going to hang with her friends & I said okay. Almost 3 weeks after the guilt had build up in her & she came clean.... she told me she didn't go with her friends, she went with a guy she once had a crush on, he messaged her on FB if she wanted to hang & so they did... She said it wasn't in her intentions to fool around with him she only wanted to hang out & drink, she ALSO said she wanted to reassure her self if there was anything out there. Soo they ended up hanging out AND eventually ended up fooling around. She said she didn't want to but was persuaded into doing it with him by him making her feel comfortable ALSO she told him she wouldn't do it unless he got a condom. She said after he putted in twice she tried to push him off & told him it wasn't right.

 

AFTER THE CHEATING: She said she felt terrible & wanted to tell me but things felt so perfect she didn't want to ruin it. The guy tried hitting her up again but she didn't reply. She felt that none of that was what she wanted, she found out I was all she wanted.

 

COMING CLEAN: When she came clean I was heart broken (still am) she said she was too & she hated herself for it. I felt disgusted, sad & mad, & so she said she did too. She said she know she was wrong & she admitted to everything & didn't make any excuses. Crying her guts out she said she loves me wants to work things.

 

MY FEELINGS: I love her with everything in me & felt sorry for her more than I did for me, for her to allow a careless guy to persuade her into doing it & for her for giving into a fool like him. My heart loves her & is telling me to try & give her a chance, my mind is telling me no it doesn't want my heart to get broken again.

 

OUR PLAN: To work things out & start fresh. She said she will do everything in her power to be a changed person & to treat me the way I should be treated because she knows she doesn't deserve me. I want her to change for her own good because I see way more potential in her than she herself see's in her. I know she is worth more than her family says she is & she says she is.

 

QUESTION: I'm so HURT, confused & broken that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!? Can someone tell me!? Does she deserve a second chance? Should I follow my heart or mind?!?

[ponchsox]

Infidelity is a deal breaker, period. In marriage, it's a big time sin. Move on.

[veggirl]

She's a liar. She wasn't "tricked" into f*cking another man and if she was "persuaded" aka raped then she should call the cops, but let me guess she won't. She WILLINGLY got the point where she was telling another man "go get a condom" and you think she was "persuaded". Wow well she is a pretty easy sell then, what happens next time she is around another guy?

 

First thing is she went and hung out w/ a guy she has a crush on. Red flag.

 

Second thing is she LIED to you about it. Red flag.

 

Third thing is she willingly slept with him. Umm Hello.

 

but it was his fault? PLEASE.

 

Value yourself more than this. She is trash, a liar and a cheat. SHE did this. She was not "persuaded" into anything, she willingly lied to you to go see a guy she has a crush on and she slept with him. Unless she was raped, it is ALL her fault.

 

So, to answer your question as to what you should do?

 

Kick her to the curb, tell her to GTFO and go find a woman who won't lie and cheat, instead of a little girl who lacks character, morals and integrity. She is playing you for a fool.

 

Is this your first relationship or something? You seem very inexperienced and naive.

 

PS: get tested, I doubt he used a condom.

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry that you're hurting and confused.

 

MarriageBuilders.com has articles on recovering from infidelity...it might be a place to start.

 

Whether she deserves a second chance depends on if you trust-believe that she is genuinely remorseful and ready to make full efforts to rebuild your relationship with you.

On the other side, you need to be ready to make full efforts to fully forgive her and rebuild your relationship with her.

 

I think it is not a "heart OR mind" decision but needs you to bring the strength of your love AND your logic to bear.

 

Best of luck.

[1Mind1Heart2Differ]

I understand what you're saying... It's just extremely hard to think that way when I felt she was the person I could trust with everything. Yes this is my first committed & serious relationship. Thanks for your answer.

[Ronni_W]

Betrayal of any type -- sexual or emotional -- is very difficult to handle; it's painful and it craps out and sometimes (always?) makes one feel "lesser than" somehow.

 

And it isn't easy to fully, truly forgive and then rebuild trust in the one who has betrayed us. If you can't get to really forgiving her then it's not a fault on anyone's part...but you will need to end things with her...for your sake perhaps more than hers.

 

Again I'd suggest researching 'recovering from infidelity' before you make any permanent decisions.

[1Mind1Heart2Differ]

Again I'd suggest researching 'recovering from infidelity' before you make any permanent decisions.

 

Thank you I will most defiantly do that!

[1Mind1Heart2Differ]

Is this your first relationship or something? You seem very inexperienced and naive.

 

PS: get tested, I doubt he used a condom.

 

I understand what you're saying... It's just extremely hard to think that way when I felt she was the person I could trust with everything. Yes this is my first committed & serious relationship. Thanks for your answer.

[r321148]

If you can forgive her and you feel that it really was a one time mistake then go for it. People make mistakes. It happens. If she learns from it, accepts responsibility and you can honestly and truly forgive her then there is no reason it can't work.

 

You need to really forgive her though. You have to wipe the slate clean and not bring this up again. If you keep thinking about it it will drive you crazy and if she really does change and you keep bringing it up then it will drive her away. If you can't forgive truly then you need to cut her out and start healing on your own.

 

To be honest here my main concern would be that she is trying to pin this on the other guy. He is irrelevant here...presumably he is single, thought she was single and made his move. She knew she wasn't single but chose to go, chose to cheat and is not accepting responsibility. Until she stops with the excuses, takes her share of the blame and realises she had the choice then I wouldn't suggest that she is really sorry.

 

Slightly off topic but the first part of your story is a little worrying. Why were you crying to yourself at night? You really can't rely on just one person to be your entire emotional support. It is a lot of pressure to put on one person and it also leaves you open to a lot more hurt if things ever do go wrong (as they have done here).

 

Good luck with it

[MrWhite]

I have been here too.

I ended up married to the women who did the same thing to me.

YES IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.

 

Move on and learn from it, get over it, let time past and rebuild trust OR move on.

 

Best advice: Read a bunch of comments on this web site. Good advice to be found. (my true advice is at the bottom of this post)

 

If you are someone who believes a relationship needs to be perfect, will always resent her for doing this, that things need to be "ment to be", cannot get the other guy sleeping with her out of your mind, have moral issues with unfaithfulness, trust issues can never be resolved, etc... then you most likely need to move on OR move on for a bit of time.

 

You MUST find yourself and be able to stand on your own two feet. This is what allowed me to get over it. Since this happened and cannot be undone, you have to once again only "WANT" to be with her. You no longer "NEED" to be with her. Everyone wishes that their partner needs them. That is great and builds with time. You are at the cross-roads of a new life, or a do-over. You must start over and just "want" to be with her. Just like when you first meet someone. (remeber that) You have no connections, dependencies, obligations, history, no trust has been built or lost, and each of you are independent. You just "want" that person and "want" see what happens.

 

What would YOU tell someone else if they ask you for the same advice?

"My girlfriend\wife cheated on me and....."

99% of the time, you will get the answer that you should move on. That is NOT the best way to start a life long relationship. TRUST will always be an issue. This is very true.

If it is going to work out, she must know AND acknowlegde that for the rest of her life, she must always build and regain your trust. Even to this day with my wife, she is now at 99.9999999% trust. She keeps adding more "9"s to the end of the percetage over time, however, it is impossible to ever get to 100% - 100% is reserved for relationships that have never had problems.

 

Additionally, I sometimes feel that the foundation of our relationship has a crack in it. I do sometimes ask myself why I went down this path. This is a moment in time you get to decide the outcome. She decided what happened before. Life is great, but sadly, wished I could have re-done my choices at that time. I was so happy to let het back into my life, I failed to fully process what happened. I also let her come back with little resistance or define everything when we started fresh. I still resent her for what she did and will never fully trust her again. Sorry to everyone about that bit of truth. 20 years afetrwards and you view many things differently and reflect on the past in ways you did not before. I do not feel that things ever were totally resolved. I cannot time travel and repeat the past but wish I could. We did agree to put it behind us and move on. No more was said about it and I never brought it up until over a decade later. I assume she sees it as a shameful simple mistake and never wants or thinks about it. A tiny event that she can easily forget. YOU will see it as a life-long event that can influence your decisions and cause you metal pain later in life.

 

Hard as it can be this might be, the best option might be to breakup.

You can always re-engage each other after an extended time and "start new". Both will be different people at some level. Go and experience life in a new direction. Learn from this, do not let it define you.

 

Other Random Options and Ideas:

Agree to part ways for 6+ months of no-contact. Agree to only contact each other if absolutly needed. Put effort into yourself and see if this will work out afterwards. It will work or it will not.

 

Trust is gone. Only time can fix that. Nothing else will.

 

My favorite, but totally irrational and insane idea: You get a life long "hall pass" that can be used at anytime. 5 months or 5 years does not matter. Can she can live with that fact and knowledge that you could do the same thing she did? She cannot and has no right to show any ill will over it? She did that to you, and used up her card already. She now has to live with the knowledge you can do the same thing at anytime with no regrets or resentment. Good test and agreement to rebuild trust? Never use it, but it is there. She has agree to trust you never to do that? (just a crazy idea)

 

Same concept but different. A relationship is allowed ONE giant mess-up per person. If you can beleive in that, forgive and move on. A second mess-up by any person, and is is over by default. Sadly, she messed-up already. Bad way to start, however, you still can do a giant mess-up. (all kinds of disasters exist in this world - not just sex or relationships) If she calls you on it, remind her of what she did.

 

She needs to experience the same metal issues you have to equal it out. Not so much cheating, just some type of loss or regret.

That is why No Contact is so important OR sucking it up and putting on a good poker face.

 

Always take the high road and say positive things. No need to get a can of gasoline when you are in a burning building.

No need to show or have weakness, no need to validate they made the right\wrong decision, no need take yourself down a dark path, and no need burn bridges. Stay in the positive zone, and you end up in the positive.

 

If parting ways, breaking up, breaking the NC rules, say things like this and find the power to be only positive:

"We would have been great team doing..."

"I wish you the best and hope you..."

"I will learn from this and you will also, both of us will be better people..."

"Maybe after time we could talk more..."

"I understand that life is never perfect, people are not perfect..."

"I still love you, however, do not trust that you feel the same anymore..."

"I think if I did this instead of you, you would have chosen this decision also...."

"You would loved to have been at..."

"I am doing this, and this, and going out to...."

"Since I can travel now I plan to..."

"Love is a crazy, fickel, mysterious, thing... you never know..."

 

MOST IMPORTANT:

I cannot tell you enough how important it is to be a complete person again before trying to resolve what you are going through right now.

You sadly need get to the point where you could decide to be with her OR not be with her again. 50\50 decision. Take it, or leave it.

Love and relationships should not be this way, however, you are in that arena now. (relationship not perfect and will never be)

 

You will never be on equal ground if you do not.

You would find yourself as weak, a "chump", massively resentful, or not a full person if you do not.

 

If you are able to look her in the eye and say:

"I have decided this... (yes\no) about getting back together."

"If you want to be with me, we need to start over. Trust has been completely lost. I think that you need to explain to me what happened and why we should be toghether."

"I am not trying to punish you, sabatoge any efforts, or make you feel guilty. I am just trying to figure out if a new relationship with you is the best decision for both of us."

"If you do want to try again, here are some of my terms. It will not work out if we cannot agree on some things or get past what happened."

 

Good luc

Edited October 30, 2013 by MrWhite

[BottleofHope]

Personally, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me and when I found out (through flirty messages with other guys) she still did not admit it was her fault. She believes what she did was right 'for her' because I was neglecting her and such when I was paying too much attention to my friends.

 

If your girl comes clean and regrets all of what she did, I see no harm in trying to make things work. Man, I wish my ex came clean and admit it was her fault and see that cheating is always a bad thing in relationships.

 

My advice, give it another shot, you know in your heart that you love her and I guess she was lucky to find out that she loves you too (maybe through this guy she went out with) but remember that she came to a realization that you are for her! Don't have a chip on your shoulder about how she went out with the other guy (she already apologized!) but try to think of it that she's human, she also has emotions and everybody wants what's best for them (she thought this guy she went out with was good for her at the time but she found out that it wasn't). She came back because she loves you, don't think of anything else. Good luck!