My worst nightmare happened...

[JoelBarish]

Ever since my break up I've resisted the urge to look at FB or otherwise snoop what is going on with my ex. She broke up so suddenly with me and things changed overnight between us so I just figured she must be with someone else. Yet I didn't look or snoop in any way. I didn't want the pain of seeing her moved on with someone else.

 

But today I got hurt yet again despite me staying NC with my ex and not snooping.

 

I was out to dinner with my family and she came walking in the restaurant with some guy. My whole family saw her. As soon as she saw us, she and the guy turned around and walked out.

 

It was a real shock to my system. My niece (who is 8) said "that's why she broke up with you" and she kept talking about it and I finally said "I don't want to talk about it". Talk about adding humiliation to the pain.

 

I hate that my town is so small that this happens to me and probably will happen again. My ex frequents my hang outs (she learned my hang outs by going with me all the time). I am just numb inside. I feel like throwing up. This is why she wouldn't work on things with me. My mind keeps wondering how long before she broke up with me did she meet this guy. But I know it doesn't really matter. Regardless, I'm still in the same boat I have been for nearly a month now, broken up. I feel like I should find some hot girl to start dating right away so next time my ex sees me she won't think I'm pathetic with my family. But I know I'm not ready to date anyone yet.

 

I'm just in a lot of pain. The anxiety is back. At least I don't have to wonder if she has moved on or not. I knew she was too clingy to let me go without finding someone else first. At least I am no longer tempted to ever snoop her FB. Now I don't have to keep looking at my phone anymore to see if she texts. I wanted the hope killed and now it is.

[Frank13]

I am so sorry this happened. Well, it seems you had some sort of impact on her for them to just walk back out.

[JoelBarish]

I am so sorry this happened. Well, it seems you had some sort of impact on her for them to just walk back out.

 

Yeah, I am hoping she felt shame. I know I shouldn't care what she feels or thinks but I hope she feels shame.

[AnnaAnna]

I'm sorry Joel. I know the pain you're feeling now but at least you got some kind of closure. You know she's with somebody else and not thinking about you. Now you can move on knowing that she has. I really hope you start healing soon.

[JoelBarish]

I'm sorry Joel. I know the pain you're feeling now but at least you got some kind of closure. You know she's with somebody else and not thinking about you. Now you can move on knowing that she has. I really hope you start healing soon.

 

Thank you. It may be hard to heal if this sort of thing keeps happening. Maybe I will get hardened by it after awhile.

[AnnaAnna]

Thank you. It may be hard to heal if this sort of thing keeps happening. Maybe I will get hardened by it after awhile.

Once I found out there was another woman in his life things actually made sense to me and it was easier to move on. Only because after that I wasn't sitting and thinking was it something I did or something I said. What if I tried a little harder?! I knew why he did the things he did and it wasn't my fault. Before that I always blamed myself.

 

 

You can look it at that way too. It might help a little.

[RiceaRoni]

Ever since my break up I've resisted the urge to look at FB or otherwise snoop what is going on with my ex. She broke up so suddenly with me and things changed overnight between us so I just figured she must be with someone else. Yet I didn't look or snoop in any way. I didn't want the pain of seeing her moved on with someone else.

 

But today I got hurt yet again despite me staying NC with my ex and not snooping.

 

I was out to dinner with my family and she came walking in the restaurant with some guy. My whole family saw her. As soon as she saw us, she and the guy turned around and walked out.

 

It was a real shock to my system. My niece (who is 8) said "that's why she broke up with you" and she kept talking about it and I finally said "I don't want to talk about it". Talk about adding humiliation to the pain.

 

I hate that my town is so small that this happens to me and probably will happen again. My ex frequents my hang outs (she learned my hang outs by going with me all the time). I am just numb inside. I feel like throwing up. This is why she wouldn't work on things with me. My mind keeps wondering how long before she broke up with me did she meet this guy. But I know it doesn't really matter. Regardless, I'm still in the same boat I have been for nearly a month now, broken up. I feel like I should find some hot girl to start dating right away so next time my ex sees me she won't think I'm pathetic with my family. But I know I'm not ready to date anyone yet.

 

I'm just in a lot of pain. The anxiety is back. At least I don't have to wonder if she has moved on or not. I knew she was too clingy to let me go without finding someone else first. At least I am no longer tempted to ever snoop her FB. Now I don't have to keep looking at my phone anymore to see if she texts. I wanted the hope killed and now it is.

 

 

 

Oh no :/ I'm so Sorry Joel... I know how that feels though, but at least you were with family instead of alone.

 

And now you know that's she has indeed moved on...and that's your cue to move on as well.

 

Yeah I say no to dating for a while IMO

You dont want to date just to get back at her or let her see you with another woman to give the impression you've moved on...it'll be bad for the person you're dating...

 

Just accept that she has moved on and you are the stronger one.

 

You're the stronger one because you don't need another person just to move on.

 

As apposed to her who's seeing another guy immediately after a relationship...idk to me that screams codependency.

 

Again I'm Sorry about what happened...just try to forget you saw anything..(it was an illusion lol)

 

confide in your friends and family and continue to occupy yourself.

 

Everything is still pretty fresh and painful, and you still have a journey ahead, but I know you got this J

[loveofhorses1970]

I'm so sorry, Joel. I know it hurts. Maybe fate is showing you what you need to see so you can move on. <3 Blessings <3

[JoelBarish]

Oh no :/ I'm so Sorry Joel... I know how that feels though, but at least you were with family instead of alone.

 

And now you know that's she has indeed moved on...and that's your cue to move on as well.

 

Yeah I say no to dating for a while IMO

You dont want to date just to get back at her or let her see you with another woman to give the impression you've moved on...it'll be bad for the person you're dating...

 

Just accept that she has moved on and you are the stronger one.

 

You're the stronger one because you don't need another person just to move on.

 

As apposed to her who's seeing another guy immediately after a relationship...idk to me that screams codependency.

 

Again I'm Sorry about what happened...just try to forget you saw anything..(it was an illusion lol)

 

confide in your friends and family and continue to occupy yourself.

 

Everything is still pretty fresh and painful, and you still have a journey ahead, but I know you got this J

 

Yes I do think she is a codependent but I liked that about her. She always needed me

 

This guy she is with is just a rebound. She will see in time that he is not me. She will see that not just any warm body can take my place. But no matter what I will never take her back. I really hope I never see her again.

 

Thank you for your support RiceaRoni

[JoelBarish]

Once I found out there was another woman in his life things actually made sense to me and it was easier to move on. Only because after that I wasn't sitting and thinking was it something I did or something I said. What if I tried a little harder?! I knew why he did the things he did and it wasn't my fault. Before that I always blamed myself.

 

 

You can look it at that way too. It might help a little.

 

Absolutely. I took full responsibility for my part in the break up. She acted like it was all my fault. Now I know she isn't blameless and she knows it.

 

It hurts right now but it will help me move on...

[JoelBarish]

I'm so sorry, Joel. I know it hurts. Maybe fate is showing you what you need to see so you can move on. <3 Blessings <3

 

I like that. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you for your kind words.

[lindsay1990]

Oooooh, here it is.

 

Well, like I said over there. Now your eyes have seen there is no hope and that's a good thing because hope kills. Sorry again.

[AnyaNova]

I've seen what you write about this in the "post here" thread. It is perfect. Though painful, it really seems like you saw her, maybe perhaps for the first time since he breakup, as she actually was, and not how you wanted her to be, or how your love-chemical addled brain saw her.

 

Btw- that other woman, don't suppose there is any trick of fate that she might be very single, highly forgiving, and recognizing of the trait of loyalty?

[JoelBarish]

I've seen what you write about this in the "post here" thread. It is perfect. Though painful, it really seems like you saw her, maybe perhaps for the first time since he breakup, as she actually was, and not how you wanted her to be, or how your love-chemical addled brain saw her.

 

Btw- that other woman, don't suppose there is any trick of fate that she might be very single, highly forgiving, and recognizing of the trait of loyalty?

 

What other woman Anya??

 

You are very wise. I do see her now as she is and not the way I wanted her to be. I really do wish I could cry but I'm just numb inside...

[AnyaNova]

I thought you posted something about a better looking and younger woman you turned away to stay loyal to her. Perhaps I am letting someone else's post bleed into yours?

[JoelBarish]

I thought you posted something about a better looking and younger woman you turned away to stay loyal to her. Perhaps I am letting someone else's post bleed into yours?

 

Oh that was mine alright. That woman was from awhile back and she no longer lives in my area. Thanks for the encouragement though. I really do appreciate you.

[rossi128]

As awful as that was for you it's sounds like it's the boost you need to move on. I did the face book thing myself and that was horrible but it helped.

 

From her reaction, especially with your family there, hopefully she's feeling some sort of guilt too. As you say it's never one sided.

[JoelBarish]

How I would react would depend upon a lot of factors. Last night, I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine (and a couple of his friends) and saw a back of the head that looked vaguely like my ex's. 99.99 it was not him. We ended up having to leave anyway, because I have a gluten intolerance, and they really weren't able to assure me that anything would be safe, but I was having a mini freak-out even knowing that 99.99 it wasn't him. If I actually saw him and knew it was him? Depending, I could see my reactions being anywhere from putting on a super confident appearance to bursting into tears and having to run in the opposite direction. I am sorry that this is affecting you so badly. This woman's taste is so bad that she left you for an ogre. :-) You definitely, I am sure, can do better.

 

Anya I pasted your response here instead of the Post here thread.

 

Mini-freak out eh?

 

I have talked to others, including my brother and most said they are not bothered seeing their ex around or seeing their ex with someone else. (of course my break up is recent and theirs were not). I feel like I must be really weak to have such a panic attack in a situation that others handle just fine. But then again you said that you had a mini freak out. Did I read somewhere that you are on meds, as am I? Maybe it's common for those of us on meds to experience such anxiety and pain at such moments.

 

Thank you for being such a good friend.

[lindsay1990]

I feel like I must be really weak to have such a panic attack in a situation that others handle just fine. But then again you said that you had a mini freak out.

 

 

I deleted my ex and deactivated my Facebook the day I moved out. 45 days post BU/22 days after moving out I reopened it and proceeded to delete his friends/siblings. One of his casual, university friends has been tagged in a picture with my ex... having fun... swimming at the lake.

 

My heart started beating almost out my chest and I got a knot in my throat, then a knot in my stomach that persisted though the day once I realized my ex had actually blocked me (extra rejection). I couldn't eat until like 4 p.m. - this had been at 6 a.m.

 

I didn't freak out outwards as I was at relative's house but MAN was I messed up the whole day, holding in tears by being triggered all over again.

 

So, you're not alone. And it is no small thing to be anxious about.

[JoelBarish]

I deleted my ex and deactivated my Facebook the day I moved out. 45 days post BU/22 days after moving out I reopened it and proceeded to delete his friends/siblings. One of his casual, university friends has been tagged in a picture with my ex... having fun... swimming at the lake.

 

My heart started beating almost out my chest and I got a knot in my throat, then a knot in my stomach that persisted though the day once I realized my ex had actually blocked me (extra rejection). I couldn't eat until like 4 p.m. - this had been at 6 a.m.

 

I didn't freak out outwards as I was at relative's house but MAN was I messed up the whole day, holding in tears by being triggered all over again.

 

So, you're not alone. And it is no small thing to be anxious about.

 

Thanks Lindsay, you are a good friend too. You took your picture down?

 

Anyway, you know maybe my ex was upset too, she did walk out. She could have just stayed there if she was indifferent. Who knows if she felt guilt, shame or just plain awkward, she did feel something. I know I am grasping at straws here but I take some comfort that she isn't emotionally dead towards me, at least not yet. It's just going to take time to heal and I gotta be TOOOUUUGH in case I run into her again...

[lindsay1990]

Thanks Lindsay, you are a good friend too. You took your picture down?

 

Anyway, you know maybe my ex was upset too, she did walk out. She could have just stayed there if she was indifferent. Who knows if she felt guilt, shame or just plain awkward, she did feel something. I know I am grasping at straws here but I take some comfort that she isn't emotionally dead towards me, at least not yet. It's just going to take time to heal and I gotta be TOOOUUUGH in case I run into her again...

 

Yeeeah I took it down, I got a little paranoid, ha.

 

It just takes time, I suppose. And as for being tough, I would say that for myself the biggest toughness is being patient and reminding myself that it won't last forever. But hey, also you saw her already with someone. I think THAT is the worst fear of all and it materialized and guess what, it didn't kill you So... chin up. It gets better with time, I can assure you. Even a month has made a difference in myself, and I haven't exactly been productive or proactive - literally hanging out at my parents house + spending the majority of my day online haha + obsessing about relationship and break up...... and I slowly feel not only acceptance but (gasp!) understanding (not forgiveness not compassion but just human-to-human understanding) for my ex.... ugh. But I'm not going to give that one up so easily, I will resist it as long as I can, ha! (And btw have job interview finally for next week in big city so, CHIN UP to me too)

[candie13]

I've very rarely really got the hots for a guy, but two summers ago... OMG, I had it badly . Way too passionate to keep it under control, a sort of a thing that promised to be the big thing you've always waited for and turned out to be a summer thing.

 

Just like you, I've cut my losses and moved on.. until a few weeks back, when I saw him in a club, with a new girl. I was with ALL of my friends, I mean ALL of them, some of them who knew exactly whom he was, the other... finding out.

 

Unlike your gf, Joel, my guy actually had the nerve to come to me and not only say hi, but give me a big long hug in front of his "date" and all of my friends, trying to "catch up". I kept it short and sweet, and then ended the conversation. He would talk to me and wouldn't even introduce me to that poor girl. I had to introduce myself, because he was talking and talking and she was just... standing there.

 

And... that's not all. He ended up snugging her in front of me. But I mean really, I had changed location several times and he kept taking his date, kissing her and dancing with her in an obvious way, always in sight - I think I changed location at least... three time ?!? So, just wanted to say, at least your ex had a conscience.

 

You know what the funny thing is? Seeing him with another woman, doing the same seduction game, following the same steps... made me sick to my stomach. I was sooo infatuated with this guy, but his behavior, the way he managed the whole situation made me... I dunno, it just killed any hope, desire or potential of reconciliation. Funnily enough, the guy did come back. A few times after that. It was dead and buried.

 

I know some women can take this, saying to themselves it was just a ONS, but I saw it with my own eyes. For the whole evening. And I was avoiding it. I mean, they were even at the bar, right in front of the hall leading to the toilets. When I passed by, he was making her turn and fall, holding her in his arms and kissing her. We are talking about a guy who is over 30 years old, not 20.

 

Looking back, that episode helped a LOT moving on. I was hurting like hell when it happened, though. But there's nothing quite like seeing it with your own eyes. Irrelevant of when it happened.

[candie13]

Also, the fact that this happened in front of people I respected mattered a lot. I can lie to myself, I can pretend to look away, but the look of those honest people, of my friends, seeing the disgust on their face... I knew I could never go back. I can do better.

 

Joel, you can do a LOT better. If that is not getting closure, I don't know what it.

[JoelBarish]

Also, the fact that this happened in front of people I respected mattered a lot. I can lie to myself, I can pretend to look away, but the look of those honest people, of my friends, seeing the disgust on their face... I knew I could never go back. I can do better.

 

Joel, you can do a LOT better. If that is not getting closure, I don't know what it.

 

You had quite an experience too, Candie. Why is it so painful for us to see our exes? I don't think my ex had conscience, I think it was shame. She knows that her lies and manipulation have been exposed. She didn't walk out to spare my feelings, it's more like turning on the kitchen light and watching the now exposed rat scurrying for cover.

[Radu]

OP, your niece is very smart.