My story.

[OklahomaJones]

I'm basically just wanting to tell my story here, any input is appreciated but not expected.

 

I met this girl a couple months ago.. I knew of her for a long time as she works at a local store I'm always at. I thought for the longest time she was a lesbian so I never thought anything of her. One day I was in there and talking to a friend and she came over to talk but didn't seem interested in talking to me really. One day I saw my friend tag her on facebook and I randomly added her. We got to talking and she had mentioned that she was "stalking" me for the last couple months.. not real stalking, but she would check me out when i came in but she was afraid to talk to me, figured she wouldn't have a chance, yada yada.

 

Anyway, we start talking, hanging out, etc... we are awesome together, our personalities match well.. we're both just goofy, cornball, nerd, perverts. Turns out we are the same age (in our early 30's) and went to school together but I didn't remember her. Anyway, the physical attraction was so strong we started having sex soon, and it was amazing, the best sex I've ever had and I never felt so comfortable with someone. I knew she wasn't really looking for anything serious, but I couldn't help but start feeling something for this girl and it seemed she was very into me as well.

 

The whole time, I knew there was another guy she was "talking" to, but they had only met a couple times... they talk every day and share some of the same "demons" so they can talk about those things. She has a history of being with abusers, users, cheaters, thieves, etc.. needless to say she has self esteem issues and suicidal thoughts and feels she is not worth caring about. She told me that most guys use her as a booty call then disappear... she said it's always about the sex. Which I've told her many times, I love the sex, but it's not about the sex to me.

 

Things were going great for about a month and a half, or so I thought. Then one day she says "she needs space", "I don't feel the same as you", you're great and you deserve better", "I'm not worth it" etc. Of course I don't know what to think, I was devastated. I'm not the type of guy who falls for girls easily.. I've dated many women, but only a few I actually really enjoyed and felt something for and she is one of them.

 

I became the typical loser and whined and pleaded and all that nonsense that only pushed her away. But she would never just tell me she's DONE, or she hates me, or to never contact her again, or anything like that... which I found weird.. but now we are on NC for a month. I finally realize that I was becoming clingy, and I would get disappointed when she didn't want to hang out and such, which I'm sure was a big part of it. I hate it, because I only turn into a needy/clingy type when I really like a girl.. usually I don't care and I'm not upset when things end.. this has only happened to me a few times in the last 15 years or so. On the other hand, I also feel that she strongly feels that she doesn't deserve me. She said "if she was smart and not ****ed up she would be with me because I'm so great", etc.

 

Anyway, the last time I saw her, which was at her work a week ago, she seemed happy to see me.. we talked and kept it light.. but being the pervs we are.. she asked what's up and I said, "You know, chillin.. jerkin off.." and she said "Me too, been doing it a lot lately, but it's not the same without someone..." and she was smiling and laughing... she always did this sort of shy smile, she couldn't look at me and she'd smile funny because she thinks I'm so "gorgeous" and "I make her feel like a little girl".. so I could tell she is still attracted at least somewhat.. and she was talking about ordering a pizza and they sent her one without sauce, and she made a joke about my "sauce".. then of course mumbled.. "none of that"... then she initiated a hug and I left. Mind you this was only about four days after our last argument and our 30 day NC agreement.

 

We're gonna "start over" when NC is up on the 23rd.. just friends... not sure where it will lead, if it leads to anything... She had said a couple times, she "wish we could just erase all our messages and just start over again".. I want to be hopeful that we can start again.. but I doubt it since women usually don't give us guys another chance... even though she said she's "the queen of second chances, and third, and forth.." etc. But during my pleading stage she just kept giving the typical "you never know" "who knows what the future holds." etc. I don't know if it's all a test to see if I really will stick around for her and that I wasn't just in it for the sex.. I don't know. She said "You'll forget all about me soon", "You'll realize I'm no good", etc.. I do realize that maybe she really isn't that good for me, but there isn't anything that I don't like about her... I don't have the greatest self esteem either but I do know that I am a good person and a lot of people like me. I feel like she thought she could never be good enough for me, and she just decided to end things before she got attached to me because she figures I would eventually end it, which I guess is what usually happens to her.

 

I'm slowly starting to wean off of her, but I know I'll never forget her or stop liking her... on the rare occasion I really like someone, it seems to stick with me forever, especially when I feel it's all my fault for it ending. There will always be others, but the others never really compare it takes so long to meet someone I actually connect with on all levels like her.

 

Anyway, that's my sad, crappy, poor me, pity story. I hope I can just get over her but I know it's gonna be tough. And yes I know it's pathetic that it was barely over a month that we "dated" but it's just how we were together, and knowing how we could be together if I hadn't pushed her away..

Edited October 4, 2013 by OklahomaJones