Jealous, insecure, and going crazy!!

October 4, 2013

I've never been jealous and insecure before, but I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have fallen completely head over heels for this guy that I've been with for a few months. He said that he loved me and knew that he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We've known each other for a little over a year and he said that he was trying to become really good friends and establish a strong foundation for our relationship.

The problem I have is that I keep worrying about how he feels about two of his exes. He loved them both. He said he wanted to marry one, but he realized that "love isn't everything." He was only with the other one for a month (long distance). They kept talking for about 4 months after she broke up with him and he spent Christmas together with her family. I really don't think he has given me any indication that he has feelings for them, but I just wanted to get some feedback. I'm going crazy looking them up on facebook and googling them and it just makes it worse.

The first ex I learned about before we were dating. I remember we were with other friends when one of his friends brought up that he had been in a relationship with that girl. He just mentioned one or two things about her and that was it. When my bf and I started hanging out more, he kept wanting to do an activity that he had done with her, a sport that both she and I had played for most of our lives. Finally, a couple of months ago, she emailed him suddenly just to see how he and his family were doing, and wanted to be friends. When he told me about it, he said that it was unexpected but nice. This relationship was just under 2 years long and ended almost 4 years ago.

The second ex I learned about while we were dating. We had been dating for a few weeks before he was leaving for a few months. He told me that he wanted to go back to being just friends so that he could get closure with this girl. He said the way they left things were weird and messy. The worst thing was that she lives in the place that he was going to for the summer. Just about a week after he left, he called me one night, a little drunk. He was out with a big group of friends/co-workers, and his ex is part of that group, and he saw that a guy was hitting on her. He told me that he got a little upset about that. I got really sad/upset and asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. The next when we talked about it again, he said that it wasn't that he ever wanted to get back together with her, but his feelings were that his pride was hurt. He has told me this numerous times and he's told me that he's wanted to be with me since the moment he met me and everything he did was to make sure that our relationship would get off on the right start. He did admit that he failed. He also told me that it wasn't a hard choice to choose me over her and that once he realized how hurt I was that he still had feelings for her, he got over her right away, like the next day, because he didn't want to lose me. He also said that he was actually mean to her and yelled at her because he could have lost me. Anyway, in the past month, she came up twice. First, she liked a couple of photos of us together on facebook. He was telling me that so many people have liked our photo, including his ex, and he asked if that was ok. I said it was, but I don't know... Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said.

He's told me several times that he's over his exes, he just thinks of them as another person/friend, and he only wants to be with me but I have trust issues in the first place, so it's even harder for me to believe him. Especially with the second ex, I keep feeling like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her and he started dating me even though he was unsure. However, he keeps on telling me that it was not like that at all, that he never wanted to be with her.

Furthermore, these two exes broke up with him on his birthday. I actually posted a thread about this already. He had told me about this a long time ago, but in the week before his birthday (last week), he brought it up several times. However, it would be in the context of him being insecure sometimes and not ever really having a good birthday, so I feel a little more reassured about that, although it still bothers me sometimes when I think about it.

I'm still having a hard time believing him, believing that he wants to be with me, believing that he wants to marry me. This is driving me crazy!! Do I have anything to be concerned about?

Thank you for any feedback and for reading this really really long post.

October 4, 2013

With everything that went on with his second ex, he has no business being FB friends with her. He should be sensitive as to why you wouldn't want that.

Facebook has messed everything up. I don't like to get involved with men who have exes hanging around, and that used to be easy. But now Facebook has made us all eternal acquaintances, and I don't think it's healthy. I've never had a bad breakup, but neither do I want my exes to hang around.

October 4, 2013

I think the best course of action is to ask yourself, truly, what do you want.

It sounds like he definitely has some baggage, however, I haven't heard or seen anything to disrespect your feelings, or purposefully hurt you in anyway. In fact, he seems to be genuinely interested in keeping you un-hurt due to his own baggage.

However, alarms went off when you mentioned he wanted to be with you and marry you even before you guys were together. Were you at least friends? Did he KNOW you?

I used to use that "oh let's look into 'our' future together" bullcrap when I wanted to get into someone's panties. If someone has already made the declaration they can see marrying you....without even knowing you, I would be extremely wary of that individual. He may just like the idea of you rather than you yourself.

October 4, 2013

I've never been jealous and insecure before, but I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have fallen completely head over heels for this guy that I've been with for a few months. He said that he loved me and knew that he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We've known each other for a little over a year and he said that he was trying to become really good friends and establish a strong foundation for our relationship.

The problem I have is that I keep worrying about how he feels about two of his exes. He loved them both. He said he wanted to marry one, but he realized that "love isn't everything." He was only with the other one for a month (long distance). They kept talking for about 4 months after she broke up with him and he spent Christmas together with her family. I really don't think he has given me any indication that he has feelings for them, but I just wanted to get some feedback. I'm going crazy looking them up on facebook and googling them and it just makes it worse.

The first ex I learned about before we were dating. I remember we were with other friends when one of his friends brought up that he had been in a relationship with that girl. He just mentioned one or two things about her and that was it. When my bf and I started hanging out more, he kept wanting to do an activity that he had done with her, a sport that both she and I had played for most of our lives. Finally, a couple of months ago, she emailed him suddenly just to see how he and his family were doing, and wanted to be friends. When he told me about it, he said that it was unexpected but nice. This relationship was just under 2 years long and ended almost 4 years ago.

The second ex I learned about while we were dating. We had been dating for a few weeks before he was leaving for a few months. He told me that he wanted to go back to being just friends so that he could get closure with this girl. He said the way they left things were weird and messy. The worst thing was that she lives in the place that he was going to for the summer. Just about a week after he left, he called me one night, a little drunk. He was out with a big group of friends/co-workers, and his ex is part of that group, and he saw that a guy was hitting on her. He told me that he got a little upset about that. I got really sad/upset and asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. The next when we talked about it again, he said that it wasn't that he ever wanted to get back together with her, but his feelings were that his pride was hurt. He has told me this numerous times and he's told me that he's wanted to be with me since the moment he met me and everything he did was to make sure that our relationship would get off on the right start. He did admit that he failed. He also told me that it wasn't a hard choice to choose me over her and that once he realized how hurt I was that he still had feelings for her, he got over her right away, like the next day, because he didn't want to lose me. He also said that he was actually mean to her and yelled at her because he could have lost me. Anyway, in the past month, she came up twice. First, she liked a couple of photos of us together on facebook. He was telling me that so many people have liked our photo, including his ex, and he asked if that was ok. I said it was, but I don't know... Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said.

He's told me several times that he's over his exes, he just thinks of them as another person/friend, and he only wants to be with me but I have trust issues in the first place, so it's even harder for me to believe him. Especially with the second ex, I keep feeling like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her and he started dating me even though he was unsure. However, he keeps on telling me that it was not like that at all, that he never wanted to be with her.

Furthermore, these two exes broke up with him on his birthday. I actually posted a thread about this already. He had told me about this a long time ago, but in the week before his birthday (last week), he brought it up several times. However, it would be in the context of him being insecure sometimes and not ever really having a good birthday, so I feel a little more reassured about that, although it still bothers me sometimes when I think about it.

I'm still having a hard time believing him, believing that he wants to be with me, believing that he wants to marry me. This is driving me crazy!! Do I have anything to be concerned about?

Thank you for any feedback and for reading this really really long post.

Oh boy.

Ok, for starters, I get the jealous thing, it is natural.

I'll just give my input on the ex situations.

The first ex? Don't worry about it. My boyfriend has an ex whom he was with for 2 years, and it ended due to his drinking problems. That was 5 years ago, and they are friends on FB, but the contact is so innocent and they are both recovering alcoholics now. I don't feel threatened at all. Then again, he never talks about her, and she never comes up. Mostly because the length of their interaction is maybe a text every 6 months or so. That one I would honestly leave alone, but I also find it odd that he asks you if it is ok for her to like your picture... just sorta weird.

The second ex though?

SO MANY RED FLAGS.

He said he loved you and wanted to marry you BEFORE you started dating, yet he ended things with you to spend time and clear the air with her, only to confess to you he had feelings for her? Drunken words are sober thoughts.

It just sounds like SO much drama for a few months. Granted, we had our own hurdle early on, it was nowhere near as extreme and if he had done that **** I would have been gone in a heartbeat.

He better treat you like gods gift to man and not **** up AT ALL.

Not to mention I would want him to prove he really does love me by making a big gesture. Meaning? No more contact with her. They don't NEED to be friends, and if you really mean that much to him he will do it in a heartbeat.

I wouldn't continue in the relationship, but I would definitely be super cautious.

October 4, 2013

I just re-read your entire post and I realize that I may have mulled over a few sections, because the post above me pointed out a lot of what I think I misread/missed.

Leave this guy. Stop thinking, stop talking, stop communication. You deserve better, and he's is playing you. I can say this 100% because I am a guy who used to ...well, be a womanizer, and that post basically described who I used to be.

October 4, 2013

I think the best course of action is to ask yourself, truly, what do you want.

It sounds like he definitely has some baggage, however, I haven't heard or seen anything to disrespect your feelings, or purposefully hurt you in anyway. In fact, he seems to be genuinely interested in keeping you un-hurt due to his own baggage.

However, alarms went off when you mentioned he wanted to be with you and marry you even before you guys were together. Were you at least friends? Did he KNOW you?

I used to use that "oh let's look into 'our' future together" bullcrap when I wanted to get into someone's panties. If someone has already made the declaration they can see marrying you....without even knowing you, I would be extremely wary of that individual. He may just like the idea of you rather than you yourself.

He did know me. We knew each other for about 9 months before we started dating, and then another month before we were officially in a relationship...does that change your opinion?

October 4, 2013

He did know me. We knew each other for about 9 months before we started dating, and then another month before we were officially in a relationship...does that change your opinion?

I tried to delete my original post as I read some of the important parts wrong and got the wrong idea.

I think this guy is toxic and you need to distance yourself before you become even more vested into something that is OBVIOUSLY going to end in heartbreak.

October 4, 2013

Oh boy.

The second ex though?
SO MANY RED FLAGS.
He said he loved you and wanted to marry you BEFORE you started dating, yet he ended things with you to spend time and clear the air with her, only to confess to you he had feelings for her? Drunken words are sober thoughts.

It just sounds like SO much drama for a few months. Granted, we had our own hurdle early on, it was nowhere near as extreme and if he had done that **** I would have been gone in a heartbeat.

He better treat you like gods gift to man and not **** up AT ALL.
Not to mention I would want him to prove he really does love me by making a big gesture. Meaning? No more contact with her. They don't NEED to be friends, and if you really mean that much to him he will do it in a heartbeat.

I wouldn't continue in the relationship, but I would definitely be super cautious.

He says that he never wanted to get back together with her, but he wanted to make sure it was a clean break before we got together officially. Also, he came back for a short visit 3 weeks later, and it was completely resolved then. He also said it wasn't feelings like he liked her but that he was hurt that she didn't want to be with him. Yea, that doesn't sound good huh...

October 4, 2013

He says that he never wanted to get back together with her, but he wanted to make sure it was a clean break before we got together officially. Also, he came back for a short visit 3 weeks later, and it was completely resolved then. He also said it wasn't feelings like he liked her but that he was hurt that she didn't want to be with him. Yea, that doesn't sound good huh...

It is ok, I am good at convincing people my **** smells like roses too.

October 4, 2013

I tried to delete my original post as I read some of the important parts wrong and got the wrong idea.

I think this guy is toxic and you need to distance yourself before you become even more vested into something that is OBVIOUSLY going to end in heartbreak.

Shouldn't I trust what he tells me though?

October 4, 2013

Drunken words are sober thoughts.

Good line.

October 5, 2013

A guy that is really into you wouldn't be talking to his exes. Believe me. He wouldn't be giving them that much thought.

Id beaware of men who feel the need to keep in contact with their exes. I am civil if I run into mine but I don't reach out to them, esp. not if I got into a relationship. Men who do this stuff like the ego boost or like to keep the door open in case your relationship doesn't work out. From everything you've said about him, this guy sounds like the first (big ego)

He doesn't reach out to them. "Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said." This was the only time he reached out to one, the one that I'm stressing out about...

October 5, 2013

He doesn't reach out to them. "Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said." This was the only time he reached out to one, the one that I'm stressing out about...

You guys have ONLY been together for a few months.

Your post is confusing, you tell us, a majority of us agree that it is no good, and now you are defending it to no end.

Why even post then?

October 5, 2013

You guys have ONLY been together for a few months.

Your post is confusing, you tell us, a majority of us agree that it is no good, and now you are defending it to no end.
Why even post then?

Ugh, I don't know. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I feel like it's so hard to trust him.

October 5, 2013

Ugh, I don't know. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I feel like it's so hard to trust him.

I know that feeling.

As I said, stay, but I would expect my man to treat me like a ****ing queen.

The thing my guy did wasn't even THAT bad, and he still does everything possible to ease my mind about it since it has come up since it happened at points in our relationship.

I would never want to feel like my man ever chose someone over me... and that is sorta what he did...

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Jealous, insecure, and going crazy!!

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