Author Arabella001 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I guess if you've been spending time with the kids, at some point, he might want to fill his kids in on what's going on. It's a touchy issue. As another poster stated, there are no rules and no protocol for this kind of situation. Yes, the relationship is important, but the kids are his kids and he has a huge obligation to support them, model the right things for them, and help them acquire the tools needed to get through life. You're the girlfriend. You're an adult. Personally, I would never introduce a woman to my kids unless I intended to marry that woman. Since I have no plans to get married again, guess what? If we're dating, you're not going to meet my kids. Pretty much the end of the discussion. My kids have enough crap in their lives already....they don't need to build new relationships only to watch them disappear. In some ways I kind of get this. I understand that introducing children to a gf/bf opens them up for more hurt if things turn pear shaped. But then no one ever knows or expects that to happen. I'm pretty sure when he married the mother of his children he also didn't expect her to leave. But that's life. We can't predict it all. I'm going to live with the fact he wants to take it slow, but also find the right moment to discuss it further..
veggirl Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I don't get it. He only has the kids 3-4 nights a week--why can't you just sleep over the nights he doesn't have the kids? How often do you sleep over when the kids are there?
Mascara Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Apparently he works nights on the days the kids aren't there.
soccerrprp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Oh for God's sakes. Drama much? My kid was number #1 when I was raising him too, but he did NOT dictate my actions or how I lived. Giving your kids complete power over your life is just overly self-indulgent for them and gives them way too much power over an adult. Not smart. I agree. I've always found the idea that ones children takes exclusive precedent over an adult's need and desire to find a relationship rather troubling. It is very clear that a parent can do both responsibly. I hear of people waiting years until their children have graduated before dating again and I believe this is unnecessary. I personally don't even believe it's the wisest thing to do. Chldren are always going to be a top priority and good parents will never do anything that will irreparably harm their children, so it's a shame that some believe that their children should control how and when they should seek a healthy relationship that would only help to make the family unit stronger, the parent mentally healthier, etc. 1
Author Arabella001 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Ok, so I have an update. I've had the talk with him now to discuss how I felt about coasting along without telling his kids about me. He thanked me for telling him that I found it hard sneaking about and that he too found it hard, but that his needs are far from priority - as he is looking out for the children. I explained that this was in no way an ultimatum, but rather expressed my concerns that it is never talked about and therefore didn't know whether this was going to be the way forever. He then asked how I even felt about his kids, what role did I see myself playing, etc - ie did I even like hanging out with his kids. Fair comment, as again, we've never openly talked about this. I also asked if either of the boys had ever asked about me but they hadn't, and he also said they often look forward to me playing cards etc with them. So I think they really are just innocent children - none the wiser. So, he then said his plan was for us to all go away in January where it will be necessary to "stay over" for a week and that will be the transition. He did mention this last week, but not in the context of it being the next step. So things are looking positive. I expressed my vulnerability being in this situation, but rightfully so, he has the bigger vulnerability with 3 vulnerable bodies to protect. So I think we are now at least on the same page. I didn't necessarily want a quick fix, I just wanted him to understand that it's not a box of fluffies wondering if things were ever going to change. Everyone will have their own belief in how to proceed with dating when children are involved. Some will chose not to date (as has been mentioned here), but everyone has the right to happiness and fulfilment if they chose to seek it. There are no rules, and sometimes gut feelings have to come into play. I don't want to freak the children out by them thinking I'm replacing their mother, but with more time they will see/learn that I'm just another female that they interact with when they are with their dad. They still have and will always have their mother. So I do feel a bit better about things now, but the road ahead is unlikely to be an easy one. But I am a bit more prepared now. Thanks for all the insight
soccerrprp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Ok, so I have an update. I've had the talk with him now to discuss how I felt about coasting along without telling his kids about me. He thanked me for telling him that I found it hard sneaking about and that he too found it hard, but that his needs are far from priority - as he is looking out for the children. I explained that this was in no way an ultimatum, but rather expressed my concerns that it is never talked about and therefore didn't know whether this was going to be the way forever. He then asked how I even felt about his kids, what role did I see myself playing, etc - ie did I even like hanging out with his kids. Fair comment, as again, we've never openly talked about this. I also asked if either of the boys had ever asked about me but they hadn't, and he also said they often look forward to me playing cards etc with them. So I think they really are just innocent children - none the wiser. So, he then said his plan was for us to all go away in January where it will be necessary to "stay over" for a week and that will be the transition. He did mention this last week, but not in the context of it being the next step. So things are looking positive. I expressed my vulnerability being in this situation, but rightfully so, he has the bigger vulnerability with 3 vulnerable bodies to protect. So I think we are now at least on the same page. I didn't necessarily want a quick fix, I just wanted him to understand that it's not a box of fluffies wondering if things were ever going to change. Everyone will have their own belief in how to proceed with dating when children are involved. Some will chose not to date (as has been mentioned here), but everyone has the right to happiness and fulfilment if they chose to seek it. There are no rules, and sometimes gut feelings have to come into play. I don't want to freak the children out by them thinking I'm replacing their mother, but with more time they will see/learn that I'm just another female that they interact with when they are with their dad. They still have and will always have their mother. So I do feel a bit better about things now, but the road ahead is unlikely to be an easy one. But I am a bit more prepared now. Thanks for all the insight Good, progress.
RedRobin Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 During my last LTR with a dad, when I slept over when the kids were there I just slept on the couch. If I had a kid, I'd certainly be careful about who I introduced them to, but I wouldn't be hiding the fact that I'm dating. If they are dealing with divorce or loss of a parent, they need to see responsible dating habits as well. They aren't stupid nor do they need to be coddled to that extent. I don't see any reason why kids can't be invited to get togethers with members of the opposite sex... it doesn't have to be a huge deal. It's important information for everyone involved.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I don't see any reason why kids can't be invited to get togethers with members of the opposite sex... it doesn't have to be a huge deal. It's important information for everyone involved. We do have get togethers. The only thing we haven't revealed is that we go to bed at night together. I still believe my bf is doing the right thing in not rushing this - I just found it hard and sought advice on how best to tread. Now that we've talked I still support things going slowly and therefore it won't be made into a big deal when we transition from hanging out to going away together to hopefully having stay overs when back home. Kids aren't stupid. Although they may not think much about why I'm around a lot, chances are that when they grow older (if I'm still around) they may remember the slow progression of me coming into their lives rather than some bombshell that hit when "daddy replaced mummy". I'm no replacement, never will be. Children should be protected from new relationships, especially during the first few years when they are coming to terms with their mum and dad living in separate houses - it doesn't make it easy for a new relationship to flourish, but if it's for real, it should be worth it. I now just have to have patience...
RedRobin Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 We do have get togethers. The only thing we haven't revealed is that we go to bed at night together. I still believe my bf is doing the right thing in not rushing this - I just found it hard and sought advice on how best to tread. Now that we've talked I still support things going slowly and therefore it won't be made into a big deal when we transition from hanging out to going away together to hopefully having stay overs when back home. Kids aren't stupid. Although they may not think much about why I'm around a lot, chances are that when they grow older (if I'm still around) they may remember the slow progression of me coming into their lives rather than some bombshell that hit when "daddy replaced mummy". I'm no replacement, never will be. Children should be protected from new relationships, especially during the first few years when they are coming to terms with their mum and dad living in separate houses - it doesn't make it easy for a new relationship to flourish, but if it's for real, it should be worth it. I now just have to have patience... I never aimed to be a replacement either. Made things alot clearer for everyone. Fortunately for everyone, he and his ex were on good terms and there wasn't alot of drama. The decision to sleep on the couch was mine, btw. It was also my decision that it would stay this way until the kids were 18 or we were married. As it was, the opportunity or reason to even worry about that only arose, max, about once a month... Other times he stayed at my house or he was with them alone. In my case, they had been divorced for awhile, so maybe it was different than your situation.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I never aimed to be a replacement either. Made things alot clearer for everyone. Fortunately for everyone, he and his ex were on good terms and there wasn't alot of drama. The decision to sleep on the couch was mine, btw. It was also my decision that it would stay this way until the kids were 18 or we were married. As it was, the opportunity or reason to even worry about that only arose, max, about once a month... Other times he stayed at my house or he was with them alone. In my case, they had been divorced for awhile, so maybe it was different than your situation. My situation is that he works 2 or 3 of the 4 nights he doesn't have his kids leaving one or sometimes 2 nights where we can spend the night together (out of 8) which is why we have largely kept with the sneaking out rule. Staying on the couch is irrelevant to me, I think it's just as easy to go home, as I enjoy sleeping with him rather than the necessity to be there in the morning. The separation is still fairly raw for them and the split became less and less civil as she demanded more and more money (asset splitting). So she helped sow the seed of resentment yet now wants to be friends. It's too early for that and too raw still - so yes, the ex is kind of an issue, but this is now really about protecting the kids. I don't know if he'd re-marry or if in fact I'd want to marry so waiting for that milestone to be on the cards isn't really an option. All I can do is see how we as a couple continue to grow and see if he sees me as someone he wants to keep around and therefore open his children up to in a I'm the gf kind of way....we'll see how we go!
RonaldS Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Isn't this approach risky? Waiting until you intend to marry doesn't leave much time to get to know the child(ren) and determine whether you are compatible or not. Unless you are willing to deal with whatever that may come of the relationship with the child(ren) and marry regardless, waiting so long can be quite an adventure and shock. Since I have no desire to ever get married again, not much risk involved. But to answer your question in a more general sense, I had the intention of marrying my wife years before we actually got married. So, I could hypothetically know I'm heading toward marrying somebody w/in a year or so of beginning to date. Then the kids could get phased in. But again, nothing I'm going to have to worry about.
Mascara Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Arabella, I can see exactly what he's saying, but all I keep coming back to is - he lets you sleep in his bed, with the door open, and his kids can come in and just see you there. That's what I don't get, and why the whole "it's for the kids" thing doesn't fit. If he was really worried about them finding out, you'd be on the sofa too. But I'm glad you had a conversation with him, it looks like it will all soon be settled anyway.
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