lollipopspot Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 (we can disagree and still get on!) (until you go on the personal attack!)
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks for everyones insight. No one is right or wrong in their opinions, just as my bf isn't right or wrong in what he's doing. However, it doesn't change the fact that there really are no rules and guidelines for these new-age relationships and sometimes it's a matter of sucking it up and hurting in silence for fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. I guess deep down I want reassurance that I mean something, or enough, when really I'm still in a secret compartment. Today it just happened to hurt more
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks for everyones insight. No one is right or wrong in their opinions, just as my bf isn't right or wrong in what he's doing. However, it doesn't change the fact that there really are no rules and guidelines for these new-age relationships and sometimes it's a matter of sucking it up and hurting in silence for fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. I guess deep down I want reassurance that I mean something, or enough, when really I'm still in a secret compartment. Today it just happened to hurt more You'll probably stop worrying about it tomorrow. Did something happen to make you think about it again?
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 You'll probably stop worrying about it tomorrow. Did something happen to make you think about it again? It's always in the back of my mind. Every morning - as I wait to hear the pitter patter of feet which results in the leap out of bed (we sleep with the door wide open). Somedays it's ok as I have to go work, some days it's hard as it makes me rush for work (waiting for them to wake) but the weekends - I have to leave because, well because I can't be seen to wake there.... So weekends are the hardest
Midnight_Princess Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks for everyones insight. No one is right or wrong in their opinions, just as my bf isn't right or wrong in what he's doing. However, it doesn't change the fact that there really are no rules and guidelines for these new-age relationships and sometimes it's a matter of sucking it up and hurting in silence for fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. I guess deep down I want reassurance that I mean something, or enough, when really I'm still in a secret compartment. Today it just happened to hurt more You may not see it but the fact hes letting you into the kids lifes, sneeking you in for the night just to be with you means he cares a lot. Not telling the kids isnt about you, its about the kids. I think you will benefit from having a talk with him. You come across as such a lovely person, im sure he knows that! 1
heartshaped Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 ]I guess deep down I want reassurance that I mean something, or enough, when really I'm still in a secret compartment. Today it just happened to hurt more I don't think your boyfriend means anything by it. He is just trying to navigate what is best for his children. They are young and I'm guessing this is his first serious relationship since the divorce. Try to put yourself in his shoes. What would you do?
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It's always in the back of my mind. Every morning - as I wait to hear the pitter patter of feet which results in the leap out of bed (we sleep with the door wide open) See now THAT would stress me out big time. The more you say about this, the more I think it isn't about the kids. If it was, no way would he risk this. It's almost like he doesn't mind if they kinda know, he just doesn't want to have that awkward conversation with them? Either way, if I were you I'd take myself out of that stress - and tell him no more sleepovers while the kids are there.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 I don't think your boyfriend means anything by it. He is just trying to navigate what is best for his children. They are young and I'm guessing this is his first serious relationship since the divorce. Try to put yourself in his shoes. What would you do? I can't put myself in his shoes because I can't claim to know what I would do. Hence why I'm asking for advice from those in similar situations. Of course I'd take things slow and tread carefully, but any more detail than that I can't predict because I'm not a single parent who has been through a marriage breakup. Yes it's his first serious relationship since. He also said this was the last thing he imagined he'd find. He he given up on happiness. He now believes he's happy. I guess I just have to wait and see if things will eventually change
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 See now THAT would stress me out big time. The more you say about this, the more I think it isn't about the kids. If it was, no way would he risk this. It's almost like he doesn't mind if they kinda know, he just doesn't want to have that awkward conversation with them? Either way, if I were you I'd take myself out of that stress - and tell him no more sleepovers while the kids are there. It does stress me out. I don't want them to find me there in bed!! Just not sure to approach this now, after having snuck out for many months. It will look and seem like an ultimatum - I don't to pressure him
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It does stress me out. I don't want them to find me there in bed!! Just not sure to approach this now, after having snuck out for many months. It will look and seem like an ultimatum - I don't to pressure him Tell him you don't sleep properly when they're over. If it were me, that would be true - I'd be too antsy about them coming in.
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It does stress me out. I don't want them to find me there in bed!! Just not sure to approach this now, after having snuck out for many months. It will look and seem like an ultimatum - I don't to pressure him You know that this guy is being selfish in regards to your relationship. He wants to spare his boys the idea that you are his gf and sleeping with him, but he is willing to risk you being there to have sex with him only to have you sneak out like a thief. He isn't worried that one of the boys may come in to the bedroom in the middle of the night or meet you in the hallway as you sneak out? His concern is limited to his desire to have you share his bed. If he were really concerned, he wouldn't invite you to his bed while he had the boys. It's that simple. I think after 9-months, he hasn't decided to call you his gf is a little crappy. His TOP priority isn't to protect his kids, it's to get you in bed with him as much as possible. His kids, in this regard, are secondary, b/c why then would he greatly risk them encountering you while there? Just my thought... 2
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Tell him you don't sleep properly when they're over. If it were me, that would be true - I'd be too antsy about them coming in. I have considered that. It is only sometimes that I feel antsy. But still, it does happen. The other issue is that of the 4 other nights when he doesn't have the kids, 2-3 of them he is on a night shift. This only leaves one night, occasionally 2 out of 8 nights I'd spend with him...
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 You know that this guy is being selfish in regards to your relationship. He wants to spare his boys the idea that you are his gf and sleeping with him, but he is willing to risk you being there to have sex with him only to have you sneak out like a thief. He isn't worried that one of the boys may come in to the bedroom in the middle of the night or meet you in the hallway as you sneak out? His concern is limited to his desire to have you share his bed. If he were really concerned, he wouldn't invite you to his bed while he had the boys. It's that simple. I think after 9-months, he hasn't decided to call you his gf is a little crappy. His TOP priority isn't to protect his kids, it's to get you in bed with him as much as possible. His kids, in this regard, are secondary, b/c why then would he greatly risk them encountering you while there? Just my thought... Good points. Which is why I'm confused by all this....
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Good points. Which is why I'm confused by all this.... Arabella001, Here's a thought. Let's say that he really is concerned that the boys will discover that you are sleeping with their father. He wants to protect them, right? Well, see what happens when you explain to him that it would be wiser if you ONLY came when they were not with him. He should we completely supportive of that prudent idea. If he insists it's okay to continue as is, then he's not so much concerned about protecting his kids. He wants his cake and eat it too. Not fair to you to pretend to not exist or slink around like some mistress to be available only when it suits him. Does his ex know he is dating you? Probably not, huh? After 9-months? You may not be engaged, but come on...9-months?! And no one knows about your existence?
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Arabella001, Here's a thought. Let's say that he really is concerned that the boys will discover that you are sleeping with their father. He wants to protect them, right? Well, see what happens when you explain to him that it would be wiser if you ONLY came when they were not with him. He should we completely supportive of that prudent idea. If he insists it's okay to continue as is, then he's not so much concerned about protecting his kids. He wants his cake and eat it too. Not fair to you to pretend to not exist or slink around like some mistress to be available only when it suits him. Does his ex know he is dating you? Probably not, huh? After 9-months? You may not be engaged, but come on...9-months?! And no one knows about your existence? I'd feel more like you describe if I was totally secret in his life, but it's only the sleeping over part. He introduces me to all his friends and I spend time with his boys (as a friend). It just the sneaking out to avoid his kids that makes me slink about. No, I don't like it, nor do I really agree that it's better than telling them, but I have to respect his wishes. I just have to decide whether I want to strip the relationship by 50% by not staying with him....
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Wise words from soccer. If he does truly have their interests at heart, he'll agree. If however he's just using that excuse as a smokescreen for "I really don't want any drama from my ex", then it's not really about the kids.
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I'd feel more like you describe if I was totally secret in his life, but it's only the sleeping over part. He introduces me to all his friends and I spend time with his boys (as a friend). It just the sneaking out to avoid his kids that makes me slink about. No, I don't like it, nor do I really agree that it's better than telling them, but I have to respect his wishes. I just have to decide whether I want to strip the relationship by 50% by not staying with him.... My apologies. I missed that in your earlier post(s). Still, I still stick to the idea of telling him that it would be wiser to sleep together ONLY when the kids are not around. Again, sorry.
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Wise words from soccer. If he does truly have their interests at heart, he'll agree. If however he's just using that excuse as a smokescreen for "I really don't want any drama from my ex", then it's not really about the kids. This is another reason for him to accept the offer of limited sleep-over time. He doesn't want additional drama with ex. He should be thrilled with the idea then. In the end, this is not about punishing him, but he respecting you more and understanding how you feel. I mean, 9-months...
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Wise words from soccer. If he does truly have their interests at heart, he'll agree. If however he's just using that excuse as a smokescreen for "I really don't want any drama from my ex", then it's not really about the kids. I just don't know. I know that a number of mutual friends of his and his ex know about us. I'm sure when she has kept hearing the same name from her boys that she assumes I'm a gf too. I just can't reconcile the risk of me getting caught there, with the need to protect his boys.... That just doesn't add up. If it's to keep the ex happy she can hardly use the fact he's had a serious relationship for last while as a negative?? The more I think about this the more it is probably likely that he doesn't want to go final on the boys (ie invite me into their lives properly) until he knows for sure he wants me around. He may even be too scared to properly commit himself, and uses the kids as a shield. After all, he thought he had a great relationship before until his ex had an affair. So he must be at least a bit weary...
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I just don't know. I know that a number of mutual friends of his and his ex know about us. I'm sure when she has kept hearing the same name from her boys that she assumes I'm a gf too. I just can't reconcile the risk of me getting caught there, with the need to protect his boys.... That just doesn't add up. If it's to keep the ex happy she can hardly use the fact he's had a serious relationship for last while as a negative?? The more I think about this the more it is probably likely that he doesn't want to go final on the boys (ie invite me into their lives properly) until he knows for sure he wants me around. He may even be too scared to properly commit himself, and uses the kids as a shield. After all, he thought he had a great relationship before until his ex had an affair. So he must be at least a bit weary... Arabella, I hear you, lady. You could be right about all of it, BUT don't compromise YOUR concerns, YOUR needs so that he can fulfill his alone. The least you should do is tell him how you feel about sneaking out. Tell him that this uneasiness for both parties can be easily resolved by agreeing not to sleep with one another while the boys are around. No sneaking, no exposure to boys until ready.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 This is another reason for him to accept the offer of limited sleep-over time. He doesn't want additional drama with ex. He should be thrilled with the idea then. In the end, this is not about punishing him, but he respecting you more and understanding how you feel. I mean, 9-months... It's been 9 months since date 1. He was still pretty messed up at this point which would shave off a month at least in his mind. Still 7-8 months with 4 months interacting with his kids does seem plentiful. I'm now definitely swaying towards the fact he might not actually want serious.... This feels like this isn't about the boys or the ex, it's about commitment - which when kids are involved, can't be done without absolute certainty. There is no room for taking risks which relationships without kids can afford....so really, I think I've got to the bottom of this. The boys remain the significant factor, but this is about lack of commitment, which means the kids remain protected for as long as he is unsure
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It's been 9 months since date 1. He was still pretty messed up at this point which would shave off a month at least in his mind. Still 7-8 months with 4 months interacting with his kids does seem plentiful. I'm now definitely swaying towards the fact he might not actually want serious.... This feels like this isn't about the boys or the ex, it's about commitment - which when kids are involved, can't be done without absolute certainty. There is no room for taking risks which relationships without kids can afford....so really, I think I've got to the bottom of this. The boys remain the significant factor, but this is about lack of commitment, which means the kids remain protected for as long as he is unsure I didn't want to venture into the idea of a lack of commitment here. I just focused on short-term solution to your immediate concern, but if you feel this way, then the state of your relationship is more serious. Good luck.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I didn't want to venture into the idea of a lack of commitment here. I just focused on short-term solution to your immediate concern, but if you feel this way, then the state of your relationship is more serious. Good luck. I'm just humouring the idea that when kids are involved maybe we must REALLY know that the relationship is intended to be long term before the idea gets floated to the kids. Otherwise if we take a risk the kids are then in the relationship too and are vulnerable to getting hurt. We talk of the immediate future, a year away for eg. But any further, well the rest no one can really know. I just fear that my reactions or feelings of insecurities will affect how he sees me, when really those feelings are only there because of the single dad 2 kids situation....
RonaldS Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I guess if you've been spending time with the kids, at some point, he might want to fill his kids in on what's going on. It's a touchy issue. As another poster stated, there are no rules and no protocol for this kind of situation. Yes, the relationship is important, but the kids are his kids and he has a huge obligation to support them, model the right things for them, and help them acquire the tools needed to get through life. You're the girlfriend. You're an adult. Personally, I would never introduce a woman to my kids unless I intended to marry that woman. Since I have no plans to get married again, guess what? If we're dating, you're not going to meet my kids. Pretty much the end of the discussion. My kids have enough crap in their lives already....they don't need to build new relationships only to watch them disappear.
soccerrprp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Personally, I would never introduce a woman to my kids unless I intended to marry that woman. Isn't this approach risky? Waiting until you intend to marry doesn't leave much time to get to know the child(ren) and determine whether you are compatible or not. Unless you are willing to deal with whatever that may come of the relationship with the child(ren) and marry regardless, waiting so long can be quite an adventure and shock.
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