lollipopspot Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Make sure you remind that to the girl on her way to Chuck-e-Cheese as a date night because the kids' needs/wants needed to take precedence. You're confusing and conflating wants vs. needs. Maybe read what I wrote again if you care to understand what I'm saying.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 The kids are too young to understand adult relationships. The dad is doing the right thing. Until you and the dad are engaged, or past 1 year mark, you should not be considered a "girlfriend" in front of the kids. Kids will resent it early on, especially if they have no say in it. I think you should consider having the kids involved in making the decision. Kids do what's natural to them, and if they see you as a "girlfriend" to their dad, they will act accordingly. If the kids dislike you, you might as well quit now. A good dad would never choose a woman over his kids. That's kind of what I was aiming for, around 1yr, but it's just crept up on me again and began wondering if it will ever happen. The kids seem to like me, we hang out quite a lot, I'm just a friend though. I don't want to ruin any relationships, or rush things so if I have to wait, I will. But maybe it's just time I talked to him about it again...
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It'll be almost a year over Christmas? Seems like a good time to have a sleepover. Logical to have someone staying over.
Phantom888 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 My woman's daughter and my kids met recently, at the 3 months mark. It was sooner than I expected, but we did what we felt was natural. That was the day my kids met my woman for the 1st time also. Since then, we have spent weekends together, and really did family things. Now the kids want us to sleep together so they can wake up early and play without us supervising. Our girls are both 9 years old, and I have a 5 year old son as well. The point is: the kids enjoy having a family environment. Kids with divorced parents often seek the sense of family. You should talk to your boyfriend if there is any plan to be a family in the future, and if you can ease towards that goal. 1
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Not specifically. She had an affair (which is never really the reason the marriage was doomed) and they failed to recover from it. They were together 10 ish years before getting married and the affair was a matter of months after the wedding. It now appears she regrets dissolving the marriage and stirs at every chance she gets - she has probably realised the only way to get a reaction now is to involve custody of the children. All other stabs he ignores Ahh ok. She probably had the affair not intending it to be marriage-ending. As is often the case, she might relax a bit when she finds someone?
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 This whole thing does not make sense to me. Why do you have to sneak out every time you stay over there? Don't they have people stay over in his house - aunts, college/work/hobby friends, other relatives, in-laws, friends... Why can't you be one of them? This seems to smell more like he doesn't want his kids to tell their mom you've been staying over [friends or not] than kids thinking you guys are having sex and gf/bf. Yes i agree. It doesn't make sense. He has a flat mate who has a girlfriend that stays over - but saying that, the oldest did make reference to them being bf/gf. Maybe it will change things in his mind if I stay? I have also had to mind the kids for 30 ish mins- give them breakfast- when their dad leaves for work at 6:30am till someone drops around at 7-7:30 to take them to school. I know he has specifically highlighted to them (probably the eldest) that I will arrive while they are still asleep...are kids really that naive? I'm guessing so as it seems to be ok. However, the fact it was so clearly spelt out that I wouldn't just appear in the morning means he is clearly still wanting to keep it under wraps....
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Well, I'd tell him you're not comfortable lying to the children, it would be far more damaging to them if they had a nightmare, wandered in and saw you there? Maybe you should really not be there for the night until he has that discussion with them.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Ahh ok. She probably had the affair not intending it to be marriage-ending. As is often the case, she might relax a bit when she finds someone? I think they tried for a long while to mend things, but it never happened. He is likely one of those personalities that can't/won't accept an affair as a cry for help perhaps? Not sure, but not my issue anyway. I've heard reference that she thought the grass would be greener if she left him but is now miserable and likely regretting it. I do fear what she is capable of if she knew of my involvement. The boys regularly bring my name into conversation when she calls each night so I can imagine she might ask about me. Therefore if the boys don't know we are bf/gf the ex won't either.... In some ways I'm ok about that, as he doesn't like drama with her - but equally, he's allowed to have moved on now...maybe this is totally about the ex rather than the kids....
Midnight_Princess Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Hi OP, firstly just because the kids are #1 does not mean you will always take the back seat. Think of how young the kids were when they split, too young to understand, maybe now just starting to realise whats happened. Adding a new person in too soon and then if things didnt work would just add to their hurt and confusion. Hes doing the right thing for now, and he does seem to spend a lot of time with you and all of you together, which i think is very fair. I do understand your worries, and i do think you should mention it but bring it up in a way which doesnt sound like your trying to make him put you first. Hes known you 9 months, they are his blood and for life. That doesnt mean you will always feel second, he just needs time. If you had kids you would understand. As i said hes doing well with the situation. All the people saying 9months is too long and kids shouldnt come first must not have children 2
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Well, I'd tell him you're not comfortable lying to the children, it would be far more damaging to them if they had a nightmare, wandered in and saw you there? Maybe you should really not be there for the night until he has that discussion with them. I've thought about both these things. We have had the children wander in on a few occasions - I don't know if they haven't seen or just chose to ignore it. I have also considered not staying over too. This will rock the boat, and there may be no going back from this if he really isn't ready to tell them. I may consider this again though, maybe it's the only natural way. I'm not comfortable sneaking around, I should probably let him know that....
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 All the people saying 9months is too long and kids shouldnt come first must not have children Incorrect . Mine are grown up now, but I was a single mother for many years. I made the conscious decision to not even be in a relationship until they were adolescents, so I'm actually fairly militant about "putting my children first". Because I knew, in a relationship... you simply can't do that. So I chose to remain single. If, however, you choose to seek out a relationship... don't do so if you can't accept that you're choosing a way that HAS to take another person into account. Otherwise, stay single.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Hi OP, firstly just because the kids are #1 does not mean you will always take the back seat. Think of how young the kids were when they split, too young to understand, maybe now just starting to realise whats happened. Adding a new person in too soon and then if things didnt work would just add to their hurt and confusion. Hes doing the right thing for now, and he does seem to spend a lot of time with you and all of you together, which i think is very fair. I do understand your worries, and i do think you should mention it but bring it up in a way which doesnt sound like your trying to make him put you first. Hes known you 9 months, they are his blood and for life. That doesnt mean you will always feel second, he just needs time. If you had kids you would understand. As i said hes doing well with the situation. All the people saying 9months is too long and kids shouldnt come first must not have children This is why I'm asking for advice. I know I'd be protective too, I just don't know now who's being protected. The kids, or the relationship with the ex. I don't want to rush him, but his kids seem fine with me - at least as a friend. If they have a problem if and when their father tells them, I'll have to wear that one way or the other...
tlegend Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I have held my tongue on some of the ignorance displayed in this thread. You cannot convince someone what they believe to be wrong is actually right. Obviously, some of us in here were raised with different values and beliefs, and that is ok! But to take someone else's advice and to simply call them a fool because you don't share the same viewpoint is incredibly close-minded. Best of luck to you in this situation. He seems like someone who has their life under control and is very protective of that life. The fact that you are a part of it, however limited, should be reason enough for you to accept that he wants you to be a part of it so far. Also, eluding to plans in the future including all of you isn't indicative of someone who is not making long term plans with you. All in all, I think someone gave the best advice a few posts up by telling you to have a real conversation with him and let him know that you are ready to take that next step (IF YOU ARE INDEED READY FOR IT ONLY)! 2
lollipopspot Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 If, however, you choose to seek out a relationship... don't do so if you can't accept that you're choosing a way that HAS to take another person into account. No one said not to take the other person "into account." They said that the real needs of young children must take precedence.
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 But to take someone else's advice and to simply call them a fool because you don't share the same viewpoint is incredibly close-minded. )! Actually, I'd give the benefit of the doubt and go with "obtuse" because s/he seemed to deliberately change his/her views of what constitutes a need/want. So I'll be generous and say that was on purpose rather than ignorance - or, as someone else said, because s/he just wanted to be right OP, I'd do a little bit of digging around the ex relationship if I were you. See if there's a history of him trying to keep the peace?
TheBladeRunner Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 The boys regularly bring my name into conversation when she calls each night so I can imagine she might ask about me. Therefore if the boys don't know we are bf/gf the ex won't either.... In some ways I'm ok about that, as he doesn't like drama with her - but equally, he's allowed to have moved on now...maybe this is totally about the ex rather than the kids.... How long have you been around his kids? I'm sure she's figured it out by now or she is incredibly stupid. As I said earlier, 9 months is long enough and I don't know about your boyfriend, but if you're "green-lighted" to meet my daughter, you're good enough for her to know that you are my girlfriend. JMO.
lollipopspot Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Actually, I'd give the benefit of the doubt and go with "obtuse" because s/he seemed to deliberately change his/her views of what constitutes a need/want. Really? Where?
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 . I think it is very reaseonable for the OP to think whatever she is thinking. [And that was the original question.] I think so too. Nine months is when most people are casually thinking about living together / marriage, even if those actual events are a way off.
Midnight_Princess Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 This is why I'm asking for advice. I know I'd be protective too, I just don't know now who's being protected. The kids, or the relationship with the ex. I don't want to rush him, but his kids seem fine with me - at least as a friend. If they have a problem if and when their father tells them, I'll have to wear that one way or the other... I doubt hes protecting the ex. Even if the kids dont know you are his gf, they would mention enough about you to her that she would know. I think your worrying for nothing there Id bring it up to him, just watch how you say it cause its likely a sensitive issue for him so he will probably take what your saying wrong. Its really up to him to do what he feels is right for the kids and you, but if it doesnt feel right or too slow for you theres nothing wrong with that but trust me when i say he will do what he feels is best for the kids no matter what you say. Has this been mentioned at all before? Maybe he doesnt realise how you feel about it. I bet it does hurt you a bit.
Author Arabella001 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 How long have you been around his kids? I'm sure she's figured it out by now or she is incredibly stupid. As I said earlier, 9 months is long enough and I don't know about your boyfriend, but if you're "green-lighted" to meet my daughter, you're good enough for her to know that you are my girlfriend. JMO. I've been around the kids for about 4 months - where I was the only other person there. I'd also been around them before then, but not really introduced or made a deal of. I'm thinking now that maybe he has sensed something from the eldest son or even had discussions about it. I just don't know. They boys seem fine in my company, all that isn't happening is me staying over...and it is hard
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I bet they know, from what you've said. Kids aren't dumb.
lollipopspot Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Arabella, you seem like a really nice, understanding person. I question whether you're too worried about putting pressure on him. I think it's understandable you would want to have this conversation. I would just say, no ultimatums (if you want to keep the relationship), and just see where he's at
TheBladeRunner Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I've been around the kids for about 4 months - where I was the only other person there. I'd also been around them before then, but not really introduced or made a deal of. I'm thinking now that maybe he has sensed something from the eldest son or even had discussions about it. I just don't know. They boys seem fine in my company, all that isn't happening is me staying over...and it is hard It's A tough nut to crack when there are kids. I haven't even met someone yet that I feel that attached to to even have a relationship with. I figure if I do meet the woman I want to be with, I'll wait 3 - 4 months before she meets my daughter. Who knows, it could happen sooner, but I want to be careful as my daughter is 5. Her mom has a boyfriend and they stay over there with him and his kids all the time and they have only been together like 5 months. My daughter is actually "egging me on" to get a GF, I wonder where that is coming from? Anyway, I'm sure the kids and the ex have figured it out. You've been around way too long for them not to at least strongly consider that you are with their dad. If you've been around 9 months I can imagine that it kinda hurts a little when you have to sneak out, I hope it changes for you.
Midnight_Princess Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Incorrect . Mine are grown up now, but I was a single mother for many years. I made the conscious decision to not even be in a relationship until they were adolescents, so I'm actually fairly militant about "putting my children first". Because I knew, in a relationship... you simply can't do that. So I chose to remain single. If, however, you choose to seek out a relationship... don't do so if you can't accept that you're choosing a way that HAS to take another person into account. Otherwise, stay single. I wish a lot more people would do this. That is a good example to the OP of what its like, and the sacrifices you make, when your a single parent. I bet your kids have turned out great. (Just sorry we dont agree on the op topic ) 1
Mascara Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I wish a lot more people would do this. That is a good example to the OP of what its like, and the sacrifices you make, when your a single parent. I bet your kids have turned out great. (Just sorry we dont agree on the op topic ) Aww cheers, I appreciate it (we can disagree and still get on!) 1
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