rec88 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 It’s a line many of us have heard. I’ve been grappling with the meaning of this for quite a while. It sounds really nice and poetic and, well, loving. Right? But there’s just something that’s so shallow about it. Now I’m not a psych expert, but time and experience have given me some insights that I thought I’d share with those going through something similar. In my situation, it was a convenient line for the dumper to use when they don’t understand their own feelings. They know they want out, but they can’t quite figure out why. That in itself is fine. If you’re sure you don’t want to be in a relationship, ok. It can really suck if it’s not mutual, but better to get it over with sooner and stop wasting each other’s time. BUT… Here’s the problem with this particular line: it can be an incredibly manipulating thing to say to someone. Here’s why. The person using it is swapping the words love and lust. They are pretending that they can pick and choose between the multiple Merriam Webster’s definitions of love and use them interchangeably in an effort to rationalize their thoughts. I love you (I feel a strong emotional connection), but I’m not IN love with you (I don’t feel sexual passion or desire). This is basically just psychological sleight of hand. Now here’s the reason why this one hurts and seems so shallow: one is something that people devote their entire lives to building and strengthening, the other is something that can come and go on a daily basis. By pretending that lust is love, they undercut all of the selflessness and hard work you both put into that emotional connection to build it to what it is today. They may as well put a caring arm around your shoulder and kick out your legs. This trick benefits them twofold. First, they can minimize the guilt they feel for ending the relationship by making it seem less important than it is (to you). It’s an illusion they create for themselves that what you had just isn’t there anymore, you just don’t see it yet. They avoid considering how you feel about it. All that matters is that you will see the light just as they did. If there are any South Park fans out there, here’s their logic: Step 1 – End relationship. Step 2 - … Step 3 – Enlightenment! Isn’t ignorance bliss? Second, it is used to justify their actions with good intentions. They love you and never meant to hurt you. Making sure you know that should ease the pain, right? Wrong. It’s disrespectful, arrogant and manipulative to lay such justification on another person and expect them to understand. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” That s**t's biblical, man. But here’s where it gets better. This line doesn't have to be the mind f**k it appears to be because YOU have the power to not allow yourself to be manipulated! If you bought into what they said, you will waste days/weeks/months of your life chasing those words in circles because they don’t make any sense! Words are cheap unless they are backed up by action. In this case, they stand on the unsteady base of cognitive dissonance. In conclusion, I just want to reassure all those who have ever heard this, you do not want to be with the person who said this!!! If they can't handle a lull in passion, they aren't ready for a long term commitment. The saying ‘you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them’ has never been more true! Now you can stop dissecting all the confusing things they said to you and go out in the world, practice what you've learned from your experiences and live your bright future! To all those considering saying this to someone: don’t. Confront your feelings and emotions and give the ones who love you the respect they deserve. 2
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