Demonizing the wife

[solostand]

Bingo! Was wondering who else was going to notice that dynamic!

 

He is NOT on medication. I have pointed that out many times. Well not narcotics - Toradol, which is an antiinflamatory and pain reliever which is non narcotic but a strong pain reliever. Sort of like really strong Aspirin. This is due to his recovering alcoholic status.

 

And yes, he is a recovering alcoholic, but has not had a drink for five years, so that is no longer a factor. Unless he decides to drink again, which at least today he will not.

 

She, however, seems to have a drinking problem of her own.

Edited October 6, 2013 by solostand

[Got it]

having kids does not mean sacrificing everything in life for them. I had parents who were unhappy with each other. My father had NPD and a serial cheater. My mother a fixer who had the biggest heart and could not let go of the fantasy of the man she met years ago.

 

 

I used to beg her to divorce since "Don Juan" my father was a cake eater. she would say she stayed married for the kids, he would tell anyone who would listen what a great father he was and he would never leave because of his love for "his kids".Hearing them argue was beyond destructive to all of us. The atmosphere in the house more tense than peaceful. But ultimately for whatever sick reason, they stayed where they were because they wanted to.

 

I was speaking to a few women friends recently who grew up with mothers who sacrificed everything for the kids. We all agreed we wished our mothers had followed their passion such as art,or further education or travel or whatever, instead of making us their lives. We wished they searched for their happiness beyond their children.

 

Marriage should not be a sentence for everyone involved. It does the children no service to have parents who do not love each other , but may cheat and think they are being sacrificial lambs for them.Then everyone is unhappy because even children can sense tension and betrayal.

 

I completely agree. While our household issues weren't borne of any infidelities from our father, the house was awful just the same. They were both unhappy, nah miserable, they were either fighting or not speaking to each other and the few times they were affectionate with each other all of my siblings and I felt it was the most unnatural thing. It literally made our skin crawl.

 

So absolutely while it SHOULDN'T be like that unfortunately reality shows that what you describe is much more the reality. We have women sacrifice financial security and careers to have kids, and we have fathers sacrifice family to for financial security. And the weaknesses that are borne from marriage/raising a family can easily create a situation where poor coping mechanisms are borne from it so they don't divorce.

 

I have not had children because of what I witnessed my parents went through and while I am now open to considering them for the future, I am very triggery based on the vulnerability it can create and putting in measures to help limit them.

[Got it]

I see your point....but you(nor anyone else) are in any position to judge someone for throwing their own life away for the sake of the kids.(or the part of their life until their kid is emancipated). Thats their right and they seek their own comfort level.,,

 

Not to be dramatic, but I would rather kill myself than not see my kid at least 5 days a week..I cannot for the life of me understand how some divorced men(or women) actually agree to only see thier kids on alternate weekends or some other garbage. I even know of a guy that agreed to allow his divorced wife to move the kids with her across country..He now gets the kids 2 weeks out of the year..I couldnt do that with a dog..

 

I also scoff at the people that think that kids of divorce are now all of a sudden happy and understanding of the breakup of the family..truth is they almost never are. Most of that thought process is solely to alleviate the guilt of the parents for turning their kids lives upside down...Kids are incredibly "selfish"...They dont care about their parents woes(heck they dont even understand it when they are little-you can explain it to them a thousand times)They grow up with a complex, especially when they compare themselves to their peers that have "normal" loving parents and are a cohesive family unit. i lived it myself..

 

Im not criticising you here, but now that you are an adult, its easy to play monday morning quarterback and say your parents should have divorced. But they didnt, and in fairness, you really have no idea what impact that might have had on you as a child/young adult, if they went ahead and did divorce..

 

Point is, unless there is overt domestic violence, drug abuse or some other devastating condition, in cases where the two parties just arent on the same page, divorce sucks for kids and it always has..

 

Sorry for the t/j....do these threads ever stay on topic??

 

TFY

 

While we may not have had the extremes listed above I can say that staying together also wasn't a walk in the park. What we wanted were two happy parents and we never had that. I can't say divorce would have been worse because they may have been happy, but being together was not good either.

 

My parents were miserable, my father showed it through angry outbursts, my mother through depression. Either way, being a sensitive child in the middle of it I was walking a tightrope of volatile undercurrents that I was always anticipating an explosion.

 

That is one of my legacies of my parents' union.

[thefooloftheyear]

While we may not have had the extremes listed above I can say that staying together also wasn't a walk in the park. What we wanted were two happy parents and we never had that. I can't say divorce would have been worse because they may have been happy, but being together was not good either.

 

My parents were miserable, my father showed it through angry outbursts, my mother through depression. Either way, being a sensitive child in the middle of it I was walking a tightrope of volatile undercurrents that I was always anticipating an explosion.

 

That is one of my legacies of my parents' union.

 

Im sorry...Your parents sounded like mine...Yes..its miserable. But quite frankly you can only speculate at this point whether it would have been better or worse(if they split). You really dont know.

 

I dont know what your financial situation was, but in my case, when my mother left(annd I dont fault her) we collapsed entirely. My father didnt want to work, so here he was, unequipped to handle 3 little kids, and every day it was a round robin of who was coming to shut off power, water, gas,..whatever..We kids wound up living with whatever relative could take us at the time.

 

Point is neither parent in my case could have kept a roof over our head alone, so thats what happened. They(my mom mostly), sacrificed for us..While it was never great, during the times they were apart-it was definitely worse.

 

TFY

[yellowmaverick]

He simply used the time that he would be spending with his wife alone with his OW. And, my exMM didn't text, he called. As I said previously, we talked as he drove to his children's events, or while they were at school, or while he was at work - his ex wife and him always drove separately everywhere, so he used that time to call me. We talked after his children were in bed, when they were young, they went to bed early and he would go into his room and we would talk. He came to my house while his children were asleep, or if they weren't home (staying with friends or family members), or during the day while they were at school. I mean, parents don't spend every minute with their children, and he probably spent more time with his than most do - but that didn't take up all of his time. He simply spent the time with me that would have been spent with his wife if they had any type of relationship.

 

The only times we spent together that his children were deprived of was time that they were going to be deprived of anyway as he was away for work. I went with him - and he called them on the phone, just like he would have had I not been there. They couldn't go with him because of the nature of his job.

 

And of course, no adults (at least not normal ones) have sex in front of their children or when their children are around or awake. So, when we "screwed" as you so eloquently put it, his children were usually in bed asleep or at school.

 

The fact is, you have no idea what he did for and with his children. I guarantee you that his wife and children would tell a completely different story. There is much more to parenting and being fully engaged in your children's lives than just attending soccer games - shopping for their meals, making their meals, helping with homework and those long school projects, shopping for clothes, helping with college applications, planning vacations and birthday parties, and talking, talking, talking so you are really connected. My husband told his mistress what a great father he was because he coached a few games every year. He did NONE of the things I listed above, even though his job was less demanding than mine. Our children remember a father who came home from work, ate dinner, and then fell asleep so that he would be refreshed enough to talk with his mistress after everyone else went to bed. Our children remember a father who failed to keep his promises to pick up a book, order a birthday cake, or call for a doctor appointment because he was talking to his mistress in the way home from work. My H's mistress sent him a Happy Father's Day card which our daughter later found and commented on how it was laughable.

 

You have absolutely NO idea what kind of father he was. Only his wife and children really know.

[cocorico]

Is this common?

.

 

Some BS are "demonised" by their own behaviour. People see them for what they are, and they don't get a free pass simply because their spouse loves another.

[ComingInHot]

coco, you are absolutely right!! There Are just plain ole' mean & nasty people out there & sometimes for whatever excuses & justifications their spouse cheats.

 

I've read your story. I actually believe your H is better off w/you if everything you've written is the truth. And I don't see why you'd have any reason to lie to a bunch of anon people*

 

My thing is that he cheated. I guess I'll never understand why people cheat when they DO have other (albiet hard) choices.

 

A BS may be demonized all of their own doing yet in an A stitch, whether the BS is a mean person or not, I believe that it encourages the cheaters AP & WS to use it as an Excuse/justification for doing something they know is so knarly.

Unless the two engaging have no conscience, then they're no better than the "horrible" BS...

[rumbleseat]

Seems like the hatred is very simple. It's based on jealousy and nothing more.

[janedoe67]

I see your point, but....

 

How would it be any different if he was divorced and dating someone? ..Or having to lose time because he needed to take a second job to afford the CS and alimony payments??...

 

I know some parents dont give a shyt about their kids, but for some of us, anything less than the maximum amount of time with your kids is a tremendous loss..

 

TFY

 

If the kids are so important, then don;t betray their mom. Easy peasy.

[MissBee]

He's somewhat of a celebrity, so he always attracts attention. Hope that clears up your confusion, & you're welcome.

 

It doesn't.

 

As it wouldn't be because you guys are holding hands why people would be staring then is it?

[whichwayisup]

He is NOT on medication. I have pointed that out many times. Well not narcotics - Toradol, which is an antiinflamatory and pain reliever which is non narcotic but a strong pain reliever. Sort of like really strong Aspirin. This is due to his recovering alcoholic status.

 

And yes, he is a recovering alcoholic, but has not had a drink for five years, so that is no longer a factor. Unless he decides to drink again, which at least today he will not.

 

She, however, seems to have a drinking problem of her own.

 

How do you know this? Seen her drink or did he tell you she has a drinking problem as well? This isn't fact and it seems you're clutching at anything and everything to make sure she is the evil one in all this.

 

Anyway, him driving had nothing to do with booze, it was and IS about the safety of others let alone himself while behind the wheel of his car.

[janedoe67]

And that's the kicker. In order to have their children, MMs have to suffer through with their mother. For how long? Forever? It's all wrapped up together and that is what sticks the MMs in a situation that they can't navigate. They realize it's a "package deal", but they only want part of the deal - and the only way to separate the two is divorce and giving up on the part of the deal that they really really want to keep - OR, keeping the part of the deal that they really really want to get rid of. Rock and a hard place if I ever saw one.

 

I get that you say you were a bad wife....but you ARE capable of realizing that not all wives are like you were, correct? And that cheating on someone is, in fact, wrong, correct? And my earlier comment about denial is because you seem to be coping with your H's infidelity by attempting to prove that every other A situation has a "bad wife" component.

[thefooloftheyear]

If the kids are so important, then don;t betray their mom. Easy peasy.

 

True...

 

But at the same time, if the kids are so important then maybe the wife needs to not be neglectful, hurtful,lazy, dispassionate, passive aggressive, and just downright miserable.. And unlke an affair, which usually doesnt last long, this behavior can go on for decades..

 

Not that it justifies an affair, but both types of behaviors lead to discontent in the marriage....and eventually divorce.

 

So then, dont betray the dad either....Easy peasy...lemon squeeezy...

 

 

TFY

[janedoe67]

True...

 

But at the same time, if the kids are so important then maybe the wife needs to not be neglectful, hurtful,lazy, dispassionate, passive aggressive, and just downright miserable..

 

Not that it justifies an affair, but both types of behaviors lead to discontent in the marriage....and eventually divorce.

 

So then, dont betray the dad either....Easy peasy...lemon squeeezy...

 

 

TFY

 

 

And maybe...just maybe...the wife isn't any of those things.

 

Oh, I forgot, if the wife is human then the fact that I am proudly screwing HER husband might make me uncomfortable.

[thefooloftheyear]

And maybe...just maybe...the wife isn't any of those things.

 

Oh, I forgot, if the wife is human then the fact that I am proudly screwing HER husband might make me uncomfortable.

 

Nope...You are 100% right...EVERY woman who was ever cheated on was the absolute model of wifehood/womanhood........are you serious?

 

And let me say it AGAIN...doesnt justify it...

 

 

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts....

 

TFY

[janedoe67]

Nope...You are 100% right...EVERY woman who was ever cheated on was the absolute model of wifehood/womanhood........are you serious?

 

 

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts....

 

TFY

 

 

Who is this jandoe clone posting on my behalf?? I shall behead her. I never said they were perfect. They are, however, MARRIED to the man the OW is happily screwing and the mother of HIS children.

 

But the strawman was entertaining.

[thefooloftheyear]

Who is this jandoe clone posting on my behalf?? I shall behead her. I never said they were perfect. They are, however, MARRIED to the man the OW is happily screwing and the mother of HIS children.

 

But the strawman was entertaining.

 

Its easy...

 

By not recognizing the possibility of this, you fail to acknowledge its existence..Period.

 

Cruelty comes in many forms..A man that is treated as nothing more than an ATM can easily say his wife is "screwing" him over..

 

What I find somewhat amusing is if you asked a typical BS how their marriage/sex life is BEFORE the affair, they will say its horrible..Once the affair comes to light, they all of a sudden become the Cleavers...

 

I understand your anger...Just realiize, in most of these cases, there are factors at play that might help to reason or understand the dynamics-not justify it...Helps everyone move forward and make better desicions for their own lives/ futures..

 

TFY

[jlola]

I see your point....but you(nor anyone else) are in any position to judge someone for throwing their own life away for the sake of the kids.(or the part of their life until their kid is emancipated). Thats their right and they seek their own comfort level.,,

 

Not to be dramatic, but I would rather kill myself than not see my kid at least 5 days a week..

 

TFY

If a person is that adament about their kids and seeinng their kids 5 days a week or 100% of the time, why would they risk it by cheating? It's like a burglar saying I want to be 100% free while everyday risking his freedom to go to jail. Taking the risk of chearing almost guarantees you to lose (partially anyway) time with your children.

 

As for the fact I cannot judge someone throwing their life away for the kids, I said it was not healthy for anyone for parents to make huge sacrifices for children always all the time as there is SELF yo need to watch out for also.

 

But for those oh, so concerned parents who are sacrificing their lives away for the kids but are willing to cheat, perhaps you should understand sacrificing for the kids and cheating are two completely opposite things. I have seen how chaeting affects kids. They feel humiliated,replaced and lose respect for a parent wh tries to teach them honesty,self love,trust and respect. Yt, they themselves prove they are capable of deceit,selfishness,entitlement,untrustworthy and disrespectful to family. I know people who's parents divorced and others who's parents had affairs. I can tell you there is much more shame to the child who's parents had affairs .

How Children Are Impacted

By Marital Infidelity

 

 

Although the effects of marital infidelity on children is an explosive subject that

touches millions of homes, it is rarely considered or discussed. But whether a

child is six, sixteen, or twenty-six, when his parents sexually betray each other,

he is left with a host of psychological issues that can plague him for the rest of

his life.

 

Whatever their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react

with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion.

They might act out, regress, or withdraw. They may feel pressured to win back

the love of the cheating parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed

parent. And when an adult child’s family baggage includes lies, cheating, and

the breaking of promises, he may have a particularly hard time navigating the

rough waters of dating and marriage. The bottom line is that when parents are role models of

infidelity, their children can’t help but react.

 

The more than 800 respondents to the Parents Who Cheat

Survey, as well as the many clients I have treated over the years, have confirmed that the following

are core responses experienced by sons and daughters of every age.

 

• Loss of trust - When children of any age learn of a parent’s infidelity, they usually find it

extremely difficult if not impossible to trust that someone they love will not lie to them, reject, or

abandon them. They very often learn not to put their faith in love, and they may also learn that

they are not worthy of receiving monogamous love.

• Shame - A child may feel as if the betraying parent’s sexual transgression is a black mark

against himself and the rest of the immediate family.

 

• Confusion - When marriage includes infidelity, children often draw the conclusion that

marriage is a sham and love an illusion. And when parents stay married even when one or

both parent(s) continues having affairs, the effect on children is profound confusion about the

meaning of both love and marriage.

 

• Anger and ambivalence toward the betraying parent - When infidelity partially defines a

parent’s character, a son or daughter often feels torn between feelings of anger and yearning.

Some even express this emotional conflict in terms of there being two mothers or two

fathers—the one who used to be their parent (and was deserving of their love) and the one

who was revealed when the infidelity was brought to light (and whom they now “hate”).• Resentment toward the betrayed parent - Some children resent the betrayed parent for

requiring them to be their emotional caretaker, for under-parenting due to preoccupation with

the infidelity drama, or for having been unable to prevent the infidelity in the first place.

 

• Acting out - Rather than confronting sad, angry, or confusing feelings directly, children may

exhibit behavioral problems during childhood, sexual acting out during adolescence, and

intimacy avoidance or sexual addiction during adult years. Issues of promiscuity may arise in

an attempt to play out what a child perceived from his parents about the casualness of sex and

the impermanence of love.

 

Of course none of these responses are what parents intend for their children to go through. But

children are generally not the focus when the decision is made to have an affair. What my clients and

the hundreds of survey respondents confirm, however, is that when the betrayer and the betrayed are

also parents, marital infidelity is never a private affair.

[jlola]

Nope...You are 100% right...EVERY woman who was ever cheated on was the absolute model of wifehood/womanhood........are you serious?

 

And let me say it AGAIN...doesnt justify it...

 

 

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts....

 

TFY

 

Noone said a BS is perfect. Noone is perfect. But there are other options besides cheating. Cheating is a violation against the whole family. Emotionally abusive even to the kids and shameful. Noone HAS to cheat, they choose to do this.

 

I have said this before. I have an aunt who blames my mother for my father cheating. She sees my mother as the one who caused the unhappiness. Meanwhile my father has cheated with her best friend, she has seen numerous love letters to other women,EVERYONE claims he is a great father cause in public he certainly likes to play the part and take credit.

 

But in the house was a man who bred fear in everyone. One who was volatile,unpredictable, had unrealistic expectations of perfection from all of us.

 

When someone was not perfect, they had to pay. We got BEATINGS, not spankings. Yet, my aunt and others would defend him and say he did what he had to do to raise good children. We were great kids,not PERFECT. So because we were not perfect, we all had to take his wrath,disrespect,etc. I guess the "you deserve it, because you did or did not do XYZ is the mentality of many"

 

To most on the outside,my father wears a mask. his mistresses all thought he was "father of the year". they think my mother is the bad one. His warped reality is mind boggling.

 

Sure, I know he has a disorder. But NOONE can tell you what happens in a home. NOONE. Any outsider talking about what a great guy my father is, a great parents , a great husband has no idea who he is.

 

My father is a very convincing liar. All his stories are told to make him look good and my mother look bad. He will even try to rewrite history to a person who lived it with him. It's so crazy making, I refuse to speak with him for my own sanity's sake. Because even if my mother had been an awful wife, he did not have to cheat !!!!

 

My mother was the perfect wife. She cooked,cleaned,could still wear a bikini after 3 kids, had men chasing her galore even with 3 kids in tow. She,even tempered,loving and easy to smile and laugh. He was very touchy,very jealous of her. She was the most beautiful women in her town(think Catherine -Zeta -Jones with Olive skin) and came from well to do parents. He was a bastard who though educated married up. She was the prize everyone wanted. He tried hard to get her. But once he had her, he all but neglected her and faulted her for not being perfect.

 

My father found another cheating MOW 3 doors down and eventually, they had my half sister who is just a bit older than me. My half sister then ended up cheating with a MM as a MOW, then tried to pass my nephew off as her husbands(classic repetition compulsion).

 

Husband's family found out. Husband dies months later in a car crash. He was 28 years old. Perhaps his mind was never the same when he found out his 4 year old son was not his. Apparently, the grandmother went into depression after learning this beloved grandchild was not hres added to her son dying, that practically finished her off..

 

My sister(extremely selfish) never told her son the truth till he was older.She had told him she and his father had divorced before his death. The shame of infidelity is far greater than the shame of divorce. It reaches deep and sometimes is generational.

[thefooloftheyear]

If a person is that adament about their kids and seeinng their kids 5 days a week or 100% of the time, why would they risk it by cheating? It's like a burglar saying I want to be 100% free while everyday risking his freedom to go to jail. Taking the risk of chearing almost guarantees you to lose (partially anyway) time with your children.

 

As for the fact I cannot judge someone throwing their life away for the kids, I said it was not healthy for anyone for parents to make huge sacrifices for children always all the time as there is SELF yo need to watch out for also.

 

But for those oh, so concerned parents who are sacrificing their lives away for the kids but are willing to cheat, perhaps you should understand sacrificing for the kids and cheating are two completely opposite things. I have seen how chaeting affects kids. They feel humiliated,replaced and lose respect for a parent wh tries to teach them honesty,self love,trust and respect. Yt, they themselves prove they are capable of deceit,selfishness,entitlement,untrustworthy and disrespectful to family. I know people who's parents divorced and others who's parents had affairs. I can tell you there is much more shame to the child who's parents had affairs .

How Children Are Impacted

By Marital Infidelity

 

 

Although the effects of marital infidelity on children is an explosive subject that

touches millions of homes, it is rarely considered or discussed. But whether a

child is six, sixteen, or twenty-six, when his parents sexually betray each other,

he is left with a host of psychological issues that can plague him for the rest of

his life.

 

Whatever their age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react

with intense feelings of anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion.

They might act out, regress, or withdraw. They may feel pressured to win back

the love of the cheating parent or to become the caretaker of the betrayed

parent. And when an adult child’s family baggage includes lies, cheating, and

the breaking of promises, he may have a particularly hard time navigating the

rough waters of dating and marriage. The bottom line is that when parents are role models of

infidelity, their children can’t help but react.

 

The more than 800 respondents to the Parents Who Cheat

Survey, as well as the many clients I have treated over the years, have confirmed that the following

are core responses experienced by sons and daughters of every age.

 

• Loss of trust - When children of any age learn of a parent’s infidelity, they usually find it

extremely difficult if not impossible to trust that someone they love will not lie to them, reject, or

abandon them. They very often learn not to put their faith in love, and they may also learn that

they are not worthy of receiving monogamous love.

• Shame - A child may feel as if the betraying parent’s sexual transgression is a black mark

against himself and the rest of the immediate family.

 

• Confusion - When marriage includes infidelity, children often draw the conclusion that

marriage is a sham and love an illusion. And when parents stay married even when one or

both parent(s) continues having affairs, the effect on children is profound confusion about the

meaning of both love and marriage.

 

• Anger and ambivalence toward the betraying parent - When infidelity partially defines a

parent’s character, a son or daughter often feels torn between feelings of anger and yearning.

Some even express this emotional conflict in terms of there being two mothers or two

fathers—the one who used to be their parent (and was deserving of their love) and the one

who was revealed when the infidelity was brought to light (and whom they now “hate”).• Resentment toward the betrayed parent - Some children resent the betrayed parent for

requiring them to be their emotional caretaker, for under-parenting due to preoccupation with

the infidelity drama, or for having been unable to prevent the infidelity in the first place.

 

• Acting out - Rather than confronting sad, angry, or confusing feelings directly, children may

exhibit behavioral problems during childhood, sexual acting out during adolescence, and

intimacy avoidance or sexual addiction during adult years. Issues of promiscuity may arise in

an attempt to play out what a child perceived from his parents about the casualness of sex and

the impermanence of love.

 

Of course none of these responses are what parents intend for their children to go through. But

children are generally not the focus when the decision is made to have an affair. What my clients and

the hundreds of survey respondents confirm, however, is that when the betrayer and the betrayed are

also parents, marital infidelity is never a private affair.

 

AGAIN...I dont know where you got the notion that I said anything about infidelity being right....*shrug* Is there a reading comprehension issue here.

 

 

I wonder what that writer would say about total alienation, apathy, laziness, and passive aggressiveness of a partner and what affect that has on children..

 

Ill say it again, cruelty has many forms..Infidelity is certainly one. Half of marriages fail..the other half..maybe >40% are only in it for the reasons discussed..Marriage is pretty much a sham-by virtue of the statistics alone...Infidelity isnt THE reason...its just one of many.

 

And you simply have no right to judge someone for sacrificing themselves for their kids...I can easily call a person selfish for not putting their kids first over their own desires for "happiness"..

 

You still dont get it...sorry to say.

 

TFY

[janedoe67]

Its easy...

 

By not recognizing the possibility of this, you fail to acknowledge its existence..Period.

 

Cruelty comes in many forms..A man that is treated as nothing more than an ATM can easily say his wife is "screwing" him over..

 

What I find somewhat amusing is if you asked a typical BS how their marriage/sex life is BEFORE the affair, they will say its horrible..Once the affair comes to light, they all of a sudden become the Cleavers...

 

I understand your anger...Just realiize, in most of these cases, there are factors at play that might help to reason or understand the dynamics-not justify it...Helps everyone move forward and make better desicions for their own lives/ futures..

 

TFY

 

 

Actually, I never said that all wives are perfect or all wives are evil.

 

I am a fWW, and I could tell you some heartbreaking hurts my H inflicted on me and some tear-jerking stories of neglect.

 

Guess what? I am still accountable and responsible for MY OWN choices. Because I am a grownup.

[thefooloftheyear]

Noone said a BS is perfect. Noone is perfect. But there are other options besides cheating. Cheating is a violation against the whole family. Emotionally abusive even to the kids and shameful. Noone HAS to cheat, they choose to do this.

 

I have said this before. I have an aunt who blames my mother for my father cheating. She sees my mother as the one who caused the unhappiness. Meanwhile my father has cheated with her best friend, she has seen numerous love letters to other women,EVERYONE claims he is a great father cause in public he certainly likes to play the part and take credit.

 

But in the house was a man who bred fear in everyone. One who was volatile,unpredictable, had unrealistic expectations of perfection from all of us.

 

When someone was not perfect, they had to pay. We got BEATINGS, not spankings. Yet, my aunt and others would defend him and say he did what he had to do to raise good children. We were great kids,not PERFECT. So because we were not perfect, we all had to take his wrath,disrespect,etc. I guess the "you deserve it, because you did or did not do XYZ is the mentality of many"

 

To most on the outside,my father wears a mask. his mistresses all thought he was "father of the year". they think my mother is the bad one. His warped reality is mind boggling.

 

Sure, I know he has a disorder. But NOONE can tell you what happens in a home. NOONE. Any outsider talking about what a great guy my father is, a great parents , a great husband has no idea who he is.

 

My father is a very convincing liar. All his stories are told to make him look good and my mother look bad. He will even try to rewrite history to a person who lived it with him. It's so crazy making, I refuse to speak with him for my own sanity's sake. Because even if my mother had been an awful wife, he did not have to cheat !!!!

 

My mother was the perfect wife. She cooked,cleaned,could still wear a bikini after 3 kids, had men chasing her galore even with 3 kids in tow. She,even tempered,loving and easy to smile and laugh. He was very touchy,very jealous of her. She was the most beautiful women in her town(think Catherine -Zeta -Jones with Olive skin) and came from well to do parents. He was a bastard who though educated married up. She was the prize everyone wanted. He tried hard to get her. But once he had her, he all but neglected her and faulted her for not being perfect.

 

My father found another cheating MOW 3 doors down and eventually, they had my half sister who is just a bit older than me. My half sister then ended up cheating with a MM as a MOW, then tried to pass my nephew off as her husbands(classic repetition compulsion).

 

Husband's family found out. Husband dies months later in a car crash. He was 28 years old. Perhaps his mind was never the same when he found out his 4 year old son was not his. Apparently, the grandmother went into depression after learning this beloved grandchild was not hres added to her son dying, that practically finished her off..

 

My sister(extremely selfish) never told her son the truth till he was older.She had told him she and his father had divorced before his death. The shame of infidelity is far greater than the shame of divorce. It reaches deep and sometimes is generational.

 

Thats your experrience..and quite frankly maybe you dont know the whole story..He cant speak his side..

 

Ill allow that everything you are saying is correct..It still is only ONE case..Everyone is different...Not every woman is the "mother of the century" like yours was..unfortunately.

 

Let me say it again(for the thousanths time)...INFIDELITY IS DEAD WRONG..try to see you are in fact, arguing with your teammate in some respects..Just trying to make you understand that each case needs to be looked at for what it is before making blanket statements..

 

 

TFY

[velvette]

Um, I really do know what kind of a father he was as I saw him with his children frequently. I also know many people, including friends of his children, who knew what kind of a father he was and is. Not to mention the amount of time he and I spent talking about his children and their activities that he attended (all of them, each and every one). I knew about their grades, their teachers, their friends, their issues, when they began to be interested in the opposite sex, who their first bf/gfs were, what sports they played and for which teams, where they played. These are not things that an "uninvolved" father knows in any sort of detail - exMM is a good father by all accounts - not just his and mine.

 

ExMM never told me he was a great father, lol - who says that? I could tell that he is a great father from the way he talked about his children, from his talking about them and from all of the things he attended with them and for them (including going to lunch to visit them at the school and playing basketball with them and their friends at recess - how many fathers do that?!). There isn't a person within a 50 mile radius - including his ex wife - that would question his devotion to his children. It's laughable that you feel qualified to do so.

 

I really question what you know about this mans parenting unless I'm missing something. Were you in more than one A? Because, previously you have described this man as abusive to you and to his exW to the point she felt it necessary to obtain a restraining order before filing for D. Given that you have come to a different understanding of his M than the one he presented to you, do you not entertain the possibility that the parenting skills are likely not as presented to the outside world including you?

 

I fail to see how someone abusing the other parent could be a good parent in the true sense of the word.

[yellowmaverick]

Um, I really do know what kind of a father he was as I saw him with his children frequently. I also know many people, including friends of his children, who knew what kind of a father he was and is. Not to mention the amount of time he and I spent talking about his children and their activities that he attended (all of them, each and every one). I knew about their grades, their teachers, their friends, their issues, when they began to be interested in the opposite sex, who their first bf/gfs were, what sports they played and for which teams, where they played. These are not things that an "uninvolved" father knows in any sort of detail - exMM is a good father by all accounts - not just his and mine.

 

ExMM never told me he was a great father, lol - who says that? I could tell that he is a great father from the way he talked about his children, from his talking about them and from all of the things he attended with them and for them (including going to lunch to visit them at the school and playing basketball with them and their friends at recess - how many fathers do that?!). There isn't a person within a 50 mile radius - including his ex wife - that would question his devotion to his children. It's laughable that you feel qualified to do so.

 

Like I said, you have no idea. You didn't live with them.

 

Also, sorry if you were offended by my referring to their sexual activity as "screwing". That was my H's word for it....well, that and another choice word.

[yellowmaverick]

And, she got the restraining order because she didn't want to talk about anything. That was kind of her MO. She was tired of him trying to talk to her about their relationship problems - as he had been trying for years to get her to engage in the relationship and she refused. It was simply her refusing further to attempt to address anything - and she was exhausted with hearing him try to communicate with her. He is a very willing communicator, but he can also be very insensitive and cruel (out of his own insecurities I think) when he does so - especially if his feelings are hurt or he is feeling rejected.

 

I also know kids that are friends with his kids. All of the kids talk about him, how much fun he is, how he interacts with his children and with them all the time. How they talk to him about their lives and relationships. So, it's not like I'm getting the information from him.

 

Right. Courts grant restraining orders simply because the spouse won't talk. You seem to believe any s**t he spewed at you.