Demonizing the wife

October 5, 2013

It's always been my practice to not confuse desperation to maintain the status quo (and keep their home, their children, their finances, etc.) as "love". I'm not saying that they don't love their BSs, they might - but I wouldn't take their reaction to losing everything else too along with that person as some great expression of love. I see it as desperation to keep what they have because the alternative is scary. I mean, these are people who were trying to avoid divorce in the first place by having an affair - why wouldn't they react that way still to divorce? Just because the love someone else and have another relationship - the divorce STILL means that they lose their home, their children, their finances, etc. - that stuff is all still included. I don't think it's the BS that keeps them there in the majority of the cases.

Sometimes I don't get the "status quo" excuse. I think people who have affairs just hate consequences and sacrifice. this is why they are called cake eaters.

Look, plenty of people do not see their children everyday. Some because of working . Armed forces,trucker,pilots,businessmen. So I do not get the "I love you soooo much and you are my soulmate, but I cannot bear not to see my kids everyday". This by the same people who are emotionally absent to their children by obsessively texting AP,talking on phone and sneaking off to be together when they can.

I also call bullcrap to the excuse they will be taken to the cleaners and lose status quo. Most Ws's are involved with people at work. Most of the time AP will have a career and an income. So you would think this "great love" would be confident they can get along financially without much suffering in a couple of years time when everything is settled.

After all, he may lose half his assets and have to pay a child support. But his OW still has an income plus perhaps child support. But oh, forgot. They want no sacrifices or inconvenience at all. So their version of love is very shallow. they will not get together with AP until their greed is somehow satisfied. They want it all! BS,AP,kids,home,evrerything.

Their great love, unlike many others does not include sacrifice, They are exempt. I know young people who left their countries and kids and family behind to come to the U.S. and work 2-3 jobs in miserable conditions in order to give a better life to those they love. I know couples where the wife or husband will live for years with nothing and work numerous jobs to help pay for school in order to help the one they love obtain their dream of career. Love=sacrifice,trust,truth! Not lying,sneaking around,manipulation.

October 5, 2013

O.K. thanks for crucifying me on a board that offers alleged "support" for the OW.

I do not like her because she stands between me and him. Also, demonizing her helps me deal with my guilt. He is 64, they have been married 35 years. When we first started this affair, I kept thinking of my mother and father, when they were married 35 years. How devastated my mother would have been if she found out my father was having an affair for a year with a woman 15 years younger.

He also doesn't speak badly of her often - just in conversation sometimes things will come up. Its not like he's deliberatly trashing her.

They are relatively wealthy due to a company that he started and runs. However, she controls the checkbook - so he can't get money without her signature. However, she gets all the money she wants to travel et cetera.

He is trying to figure out how to redesign the company so this changes.

He is passive aggressive and I know he is resentful of her, but he doesn't hate her.

Their children are in their 30's.

October 5, 2013

Demonizing the BS is like name calling the fans of your favorite team's rival.

Its bush league, immature garbage. Most know nothing about the BS and the only reason they do it is to make themselves feel better about moving in on her/his turf..It doesn't feel good for them if they think of the BS like June Cleaver, so she(BS) immediately becomes Kathy Bates from "Misery"...

TFY

October 5, 2013

I am assuming all OW's despise the BW. After all, the ultimate way a woman shows her despite for another woman is taking her man. So yeah....it doesn't surprise me at all.

I don't despise the BW, I don't know her. I didn't "take" her man, he chose to walk out of the marital vows. In all of my posts here, I don't think I've said one disrespectful thing about the BW. Sure, exMM tried to sell me his version of the dead marriage. But, my own feeling is that the BW is a successful, attractive woman who seems to be an attentive mother. Other than that...don't know anything about her. She probably deserves better than her cheating H, but if she choses to stay with him...well, good luck.

October 5, 2013

I do not like her because she stands between me and him. Also, demonizing her helps me deal with my guilt. He is 64, they have been married 35 years. When we first started this affair, I kept thinking of my mother and father, when they were married 35 years. How devastated my mother would have been if she found out my father was having an affair for a year with a woman 15 years younger.

He also doesn't speak badly of her often - just in conversation sometimes things will come up. Its not like he's deliberatly trashing her.

This is very honest of you. Thank you for writing this.

Be wary of passive-aggressive men though. They are the worst type. He will hurt you eventually too.

October 5, 2013

O.K. thanks for crucifying me on a board that offers alleged "support" for the OW.

I do not like her because she stands between me and him. Also, demonizing her helps me deal with my guilt. He is 64, they have been married 35 years. When we first started this affair, I kept thinking of my mother and father, when they were married 35 years. How devastated my mother would have been if she found out my father was having an affair for a year with a woman 15 years younger.

He also doesn't speak badly of her often - just in conversation sometimes things will come up. Its not like he's deliberatly trashing her.

They are relatively wealthy due to a company that he started and runs. However, she controls the checkbook - so he can't get money without her signature. However, she gets all the money she wants to travel et cetera.

He is trying to figure out how to redesign the company so this changes.

He is passive aggressive and I know he is resentful of her, but he doesn't hate her.

Their children are in their 30's.

To be honest I am surprised that someone who is what...in their late 40's does not understand that most family businesses, family members have jobs in that business. It seems that she does the bookkeeping. So of course she would have a salary from the business. And to expect that her husband can siphon off funds for personal pleasure might just be illegal. The tax man does not like that.

Its good that you are able to see where your dislike of the BS is rooted in. Maybe that is something that you can work on, if you can see that it is unfounded.

Also, asking for support does not always come in the form of others condoning/agreeing with our actions/thought processes/ideas.

October 5, 2013

Is this common?
I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

If he spoke highly of her, you wouldn't want him. So he makes her out to be a bitch who controls his life. If he said, "shes awesome and amazing and the best wife in the world" what would you think? You would think he was a douche bag cheater with no reason to cheat. Of course he tells you these things. AND you believe it. Ugh!!!

October 5, 2013

It's always been my practice to not confuse desperation to maintain the status quo (and keep their home, their children, their finances, etc.) as "love". I'm not saying that they don't love their BSs, they might - but I wouldn't take their reaction to losing everything else too along with that person as some great expression of love. I see it as desperation to keep what they have because the alternative is scary. I mean, these are people who were trying to avoid divorce in the first place by having an affair - why wouldn't they react that way still to divorce? Just because the love someone else and have another relationship - the divorce STILL means that they lose their home, their children, their finances, etc. - that stuff is all still included. I don't think it's the BS that keeps them there in the majority of the cases.

And if there are no children at home and both spouses are financially well off with great jobs - what then is your excuse for why the MM doesn't't want a divorce? Throw in the fact that the betrayed wife does not want to reconcile - what is the excuse for the MM STILL not choosing to be with the OW?? THIS is why my H's mistress demonized me - because my H had no excuse other than he didn't want her.

October 5, 2013

But, there are a LOT of couples who don't go out all the time, or hardly ever. They spend a lot of time at home - and that's not hiding away, it's just not going out, ya know?

Understood. However -- and obviously, I can only speak for me -- there is an ENORMOUS difference between (1) spending time at home with my bf because we want to, and (2) spending time at home because being a couple in public is not an option.

I'd compare it to the way I feel about having kids. I'm pretty sure I could be okay if I never have one, don't have whatever stirring in my uterus I think I'm supposed to have. But if someone told me I couldn't have a baby, I'd be devastated. Choice vs. imposition and all that.

October 5, 2013

Even if it is doctors orders, taking the keys and hiding them? That is treating a person as a child.

If he is going to act like a bloody child and drive when he isnt supposed to, right out of surgery, perhaps the keys should be hidden from him. If he doesnt want to be treated like a irresponsible child, then he should act like a responsible adult, correct?

October 5, 2013

O.K. thanks for crucifying me on a board that offers alleged "support" for the OW.

I do not like her because she stands between me and him. Also, demonizing her helps me deal with my guilt. He is 64, they have been married 35 years. When we first started this affair, I kept thinking of my mother and father, when they were married 35 years. How devastated my mother would have been if she found out my father was having an affair for a year with a woman 15 years younger.

He also doesn't speak badly of her often - just in conversation sometimes things will come up. Its not like he's deliberatly trashing her.

They are relatively wealthy due to a company that he started and runs. However, she controls the checkbook - so he can't get money without her signature. However, she gets all the money she wants to travel et cetera.

He is trying to figure out how to redesign the company so this changes.

He is passive aggressive and I know he is resentful of her, but he doesn't hate her.

Their children are in their 30's.

I like that you're honest. But, don't shut your eyes and put blinders on thinking he is going to give everything up and start over with you. The thing is, he isn't going to leave. This guy is totally happy with having an A. You bring joy and excitement into his life. Make him feel like a 'man' and make him feel good. Why would he give that up? Why would he give two women up? He has it great at home, a wife who meets his needs, keeps his family and lifestyle intact. 35 years of marriage, families entwined, kids, and soon enough grandchildren (or maybe there are some already). 35 years of marriage, NEITHER of them are perfect. Whatever goes on in their marriage, works for them. And yeah is probably has resentments built up over time, what couple doesn't have resentments? Especially after so many years together and so much history. My hubby gets on my nerves at times and hey I DO have resentments but it's not enough to make me up and leave or start an A. I put up with it because he puts up with me and my stuff.

Go ahead and continue hating his wife, making her less of a human being so you can justify your A and not see her as a real breathing and feeling person.

Sorry if any of my posts have come off harsh.

October 5, 2013

I don't despise the BW, I don't know her. I didn't "take" her man, he chose to walk out of the marital vows. In all of my posts here, I don't think I've said one disrespectful thing about the BW. Sure, exMM tried to sell me his version of the dead marriage. But, my own feeling is that the BW is a successful, attractive woman who seems to be an attentive mother. Other than that...don't know anything about her. She probably deserves better than her cheating H, but if she choses to stay with him...well, good luck.

Sooo....if you saw a wallet with 1,000 dollars in it, you'd assume it was yours too?

It still blows my mind that an AP can say with a straight face that they have no culpability in an A.

October 5, 2013

Back to the original question.....yes, for the OW to focus strongly on the BW and demonize her is common. It is a typical feature of triangular relationships. Whatever issues or problems the MM and OW can be blamed 100% on the BW. The MM will typically provide as much evidence supporting this tendency as he can, whether it's a biased and fragmentary presentation of facts or outright fabrication.

Question for you solo....in your r/s, considering the issues and frustration you feel, how do you apportion responsibility for those feelings and problems among the 3 of you?

100% BS

0% OW

0% MM

or something else?

October 5, 2013

33 for bs for a bunch of stuff

33 for him for being unhappy and not having the guts to do anything about it except have an affair.

33 per cent to me for knowingly sleeping with a MM and letting myself fall in love.

We did not intend to fall in love. That was not in the plan. But we did fall in love and now we're where we are.

I remember way back at the beginning, we were actually weighing the pros and cons of sleeping together before we did it.

I said 'What if we fall in love. He said we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Well we came to it months ago and I think the bridge is burning!

October 5, 2013

So I do not get the "I love you soooo much and you are my soulmate, but I cannot bear not to see my kids everyday". This by the same people who are emotionally absent to their children by obsessively texting AP,talking on phone and sneaking off to be together when they can.

If the WS was in love with their BS, the time they spent communicating with the AP would be spent spending quality adult time with the BS.

This relates to my A, as my MM yes communicates with me alot and we have a very close relationship.... at the same time he hasn't spent any "quality" adult time with the BS in years, so in our case the BS is the only person missing from the equation. If he isn't working or spending time with his kids, then he's spending time with his parents/siblings and girlfriend (me).

He and the BS yes, do things with the kids as a group, like mutually attend sports games, etc. But even then most of the time they take seperate cars, and go seperate ways after.

He's not *in love* with the BS, happens everyday. Lots of couples dont do the lovey romantic stuff, lots of couples simply co-exist, and for various reasons and to various degrees.

October 5, 2013

Is this common?
I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

Because you don't have a reason to hate her, you have to ask yourself why. And I think that most of us , in many circumstances, have had to ask ourselves the same question.

Some possibilities for your hatred:

She has something you want, so Envy

Her existence is interfering with your fantasy, or reality , depending on where you're at.

She is the competition , so it's a given

There needs to be something serious wrong with her, or you would feel bad about banging her husband.

Since you said you hardly know her, the above possibilities probably hold true. None Of this means you're a terrible person, but still...you might want to acknowledge you have no reason to hate her, it's certainly the start of being in a healthier place.

Listen to yourself! You complained that she would let her post surgery, probably medicated husband drive against most doctors orders. That's just silly.

October 5, 2013

It still blows my mind that an AP can say with a straight face that they have no culpability in an A.

The A is always a result of a broken M. M are broken because of two people the WS & the BS. If both the BS & WS were happy in the M and in love with eachother, at any stage of love. An A wouldn't happen, the WS would adore and respect the BS, the WS would feel fulfilled by the BS and not feel empty hearted and go out seeking love and attention, validation.

Like mentioned earlier WS, dont always stay with the BS because she just fantastic and a great match for him, ALOT of the time they stay cause they dont want the witch to take them to the cleaners...

My MM assures my happiness all the time, he wants to make sure I'm ok with everything,,,,, somedays I teeter on wanting him more but in the end, as hard as it is to believe I'm still his primary romantic relationship. BS is a technicality.

His M is like an old brake pad, worn out from too much grinding.... he doesnt feel the connection, attraction to fuel any motivation to want to fix it.

October 5, 2013

Sooo....if you saw a wallet with 1,000 dollars in it, you'd assume it was yours too?

It still blows my mind that an AP can say with a straight face that they have no culpability in an A.

Yes, well exmm is not a wallet of money but a living, breathing person with a complex set of circumstances, like most of us. Not sure what you are ultimately driving at.. Do I feel guilty for exmm's decision to violate his vows and have an intense romance with me? No.

October 5, 2013

Another way to look at things,

Why do people hate (some) celebrities? Same thing. They dont really know that person, they hate them based on negative media reports and manipulated coverage of that celebrities life. They never experience that person as a whole, base their opinion on what's conveyed to them... we've all kinda felt negatively towards somebody we didnt actually know. In the case of an A though, the source of the FYI is somebody you care deeply for or love, so that amplifies the feelings.

October 5, 2013

The A is always a result of a broken M. M are broken because of two people the WS & the BS. If both the BS & WS were happy in the M and in love with eachother, at any stage of love. An A wouldn't happen, the WS would adore and respect the BS, the WS would feel fulfilled by the BS and not feel empty hearted and go out seeking love and attention, validation.

Like mentioned earlier WS, dont always stay with the BS because she just fantastic and a great match for him, ALOT of the time they stay cause they dont want the witch to take them to the cleaners...

My MM assures my happiness all the time, he wants to make sure I'm ok with everything,,,,, somedays I teeter on wanting him more but in the end, as hard as it is to believe I'm still his primary romantic relationship. BS is a technicality.

His M is like an old brake pad, worn out from too much grinding.... he doesnt feel the connection, attraction to fuel any motivation to want to fix it.

This is all just self delusion. There are all kinds of affairs, and I assure you that they are not always borne from marriages that are broken. Affiars happen because the PERSON that is cheating has something that is broken inside of them, it's not neccesarily a symptom of the marriage. Of course, I guess to happilly engage in an affair you must believe that the marriage itself is what is broken and not come to grips with the fact that you just picked a flawed, troubled individual to partner with romantically.

It is hard to believe that you are the primary romantic relationship and the wife is a technicality, for obvious reasons.

October 5, 2013

The A is always a result of a broken M. M are broken because of two people the WS & the BS. If both the BS & WS were happy in the M and in love with eachother, at any stage of love. An A wouldn't happen, the WS would adore and respect the BS, the WS would feel fulfilled by the BS and not feel empty hearted and go out seeking love and attention, validation.

Like mentioned earlier WS, dont always stay with the BS because she just fantastic and a great match for him, ALOT of the time they stay cause they dont want the witch to take them to the cleaners...

My MM assures my happiness all the time, he wants to make sure I'm ok with everything,,,,, somedays I teeter on wanting him more but in the end, as hard as it is to believe I'm still his primary romantic relationship. BS is a technicality.

His M is like an old brake pad, worn out from too much grinding.... he doesnt feel the connection, attraction to fuel any motivation to want to fix it.

AHHHHH.....so all of that makes screwing someone who is married to some else a good thing. I get it now.

October 5, 2013

AHHHHH.....so all of that makes screwing someone who is married to some else a good thing. I get it now.

Is it the sex part that bothers you so much?

BS's hide behind marraige certificates far to often.

Takes more than paper to have somebodys love, attention, affection and heart.

Some married people always share that special place they once were in when they married, their love evolves and they are happy, faithful and fulfilled. Others simply dont, and sometimes they meet and fall in love with a partner more suited to them as the person they are currently, but xyz needs to take place before they rip up the marraige paper.

Some BS's treat their marraige certificate like a vehicle ownership, you cant own somebodies heart, they have to want to share it with you. Living in the same house or attached by a marraige certificate does not translate to owning anothers heart.

October 5, 2013

Is it the sex part that bothers you so much?

BS's hide behind marraige certificates far to often.

Takes more than paper to have somebodys love, attention, affection and heart.

Some married people always share that special place they once were in when they married, their love evolves and they are happy, faithful and fulfilled. Others simply dont, and sometimes they meet and fall in love with a partner more suited to them as the person they are currently, but xyz needs to take place before they rip up the marraige paper.

Some BS's treat their marraige certificate like a vehicle ownership, you cant own somebodies heart, they have to want to share it with you. Living in the same house or attached by a marraige certificate does not translate to owning anothers heart.

Here is even more drivel. Because now you've admitted yourself that a MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE does not keep anyone's "heart" where they don't want to be. Guess what? It also doesn't keep their body where they don't want to be, either.

The divorce rate is over 50% these days. That's a whole LOT of people who didn't stay where their heart and bodies didn't want to be. So it makes sense that a person who does not want to remain in a marriage would get out, particularly if they are oh, so in love with someone else.

October 5, 2013

Even if they are well off, nobody wants to give up half of what they have earned over their life, or the house that they built. As for not having kids, I have my theories on why those people stay - and like I said, I'm not saying that the WS doesn't love the BS - some do, some don't and I have no idea of knowing about situations I'm not involved in or don't know about if it is one way or the other. I just know that there are a LOT of reasons, besides love, that one might stay. That doesn't mean that love can't be one of those reasons - I just haven't seen it a lot be the main reason - from what I've seen, if it is about love at all, it is mixed in with a whole LOT of other reasons - and when you put all of those together, they outweigh love. Like a scale - on one side you have love - and on the other you have house, finances, children, grandchildren, families, friends, possibly church, neighbors, communities, and possibly love... Obviously, one side can get "heavier" very quickly.

You avoided answering the questions. Shocker. There is just no way you will admit that sometimes the MM does not want a real life with the mistress.

October 5, 2013

In regards to the taking of the car keys.

It is not as simple as saying one should not parent another adult. Its what would a reasonable person do.

A reasonable person would take the keys (hide them if need be) from a post surgery, medicated individual, a person trying to drive drunk, or an emotionally distraught person.

A reasonable person can see the big picture and would do within reason their part to prevent injuries and/or deaths of the loved one, or strangers.

Personally, I would view it as my duty as a human being to prevent injuries and deaths if it was in my power.

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