Demonizing the wife

[HopingAgain]

I'd say both get a raw deal. I think lots of OW pontificate about the romance and the chemistry and the sexy secret aspect of the A to try and convince themselves that what they're getting is quality. I don't know a single woman on this earth who wouldn't want to walk down the street and hold hands with the man they love. To integrate their lives, their friends, their families. To be out having a date night with him on a Friday night -- in public -- instead of sitting at home alone while he's with his BS, or settling for sex or some other inside-the-house activity. I think very few As allow the kind of real life, public, day-to-day relationship moments you crave when you love someone and want to world to see/know/feel it.

 

That said, I obviously can't imagine a single woman on this earth who would want to deal with the man she loves and vowed to spend her life with engaging in that sort of relationship with someone else. I have never been married and have never been an OW, so I have no dog in this fight whatsoever... but from the outside, both positions look pretty sad to me.

 

Both positions suck. But usually the BS has so much more to lose and so much more to gain from being in the relationship. The WS in these scenarios most of the time love it until they get caught because they are getting everything they want and 2 women are clamoring over them.

[snowflakes88]

It is gross cause imho a BS that takes back a WS thats in love with another woman is grossly broken and needs the validation of simply being somebodys wife over finding a good man for herself who will love and never cheat on her.

 

This is fair, but I think what people are getting at is that it's equally gross to keep carrying on with a man who claims to love you, but doesn't love you enough to leave and have a full-time relationship with you. IMO, that woman is likewise grossly broken and needs the validation of being someone's "someone" over finding a good man for herself who thinks enough of her to be with her and her alone.

[whichwayisup]

Lady, thats rough to hear.

 

Although MM speaks ill of BS to me, at times.

 

He doesn't speak badly of me to her, I know through our interactions he says alot of good things about me.... why she started calling me his "little girlfriend", in a jealous bugging way. He brags about my work, personality, awards, etc very openly... its one of the main red flags that have spurred others questioning if he had feelings for me in the start when I was his assistant. When I first met BS it was one of the first things she told me was how much MM adores and talks about me.

 

That being said... it would be hard for him to say I'm some crazy raptor now after all that. Lol.

 

Did you hear her say that? And hear jealously in her voice? or is this what he's told you? If anything, she probably thinks it's 'cute' and he's made it seem like you have a puppy crush on him, and you're his mentor kind of deal.

 

She trusts him. Why? Because he is GOOD at making sure she doesn't become suspicious. He's skilled at lying and hiding the smoke so she won't put two and two together.

[HopingAgain]

Thank you! That tells me A) you have self respect & B) you don't have an ulterior motive for keeping the man around.

 

Self respect is questionable in this type of scenario. Who wants to be in second place and play second fiddle because the man you love is putting his wife and family first and you have to wait your turn? There's no pride in that.

[HopingAgain]

Its a really simple track the trains on, my xH was lacking in what I expect of my H, so I left him, had he cheated on me, I would have left him too. I dont tolerate cheating or beating on me, no matter how pathetically they come scurrying back with some woe'st me story, how much they would want to "talk it out". I'm not a old washed up troll, I know I could find a good husband, nobody said MM and I will end up in M. With that being said, he hasn't betrayed my trust.

 

This is mind boggling. I'm sorry, but it just is. He betrayed your trust when he ran out the door and left you to be beaten by your ex!? I don't see how you don't see that? And that doesn't even touch the other issues youve told about, but the main point is that I think in reality you tolerate way more than you would like to believe you do.

[Got it]

It is not a troll, its a confusing association of feelings for a person you dont know well, but have these strong ill feelings towards by proxy. Its confusing.

 

Like stokholm syndrome, so to speak.

 

The topic could be legit but again the use of certain words, they way the title is phrased and the way the body of the message is posed just begs a flaming war. It is too much and when it is so over the top it is usually someone who wants to have some fun kicking around the beehive.

 

What is confusing? Hating the wife? Seriously? Listen I have been in an affair, if I believed this story I would have been taken for quite a ride.

 

Do you honestly believe that even giving this the benefit of the doubt that anyone would honestly care about someone stopping someone from driving if they had surgery and would you honestly believe that someone couldn't just drive if they so choose? Trust me, I knew whatever my MM did or didn't do was of his own volition. He was/is a big boy and had conducted life just fine. Believing that he was out of such simple control would have caused me to bust out laughing.

 

If he could conduct an affair, he could definitely drive if he so choose.

[RainDown]

Self respect is questionable in this type of scenario. Who wants to be in second place and play second fiddle because the man you love is putting his wife and family first and you have to wait your turn? There's no pride in that.

 

I've given a lot of thought to this concept. I think what's happening is that the OW feels validated because the MM wants to be with her; and he doesn't want to be with his wife, he's trapped with her. MM has no choice but to put his family first even though he'd be with the OW in a heartbeat if he could.

 

That's how MM makes you feel you ARE in first place (in his heart, anyway), but well, circumstances are just in the way, ya know? OW doesn't recognize that in the real world, for whatever reason, she is second fiddle when push comes to shove. There is no loss of self respect in that scenario - it's a "star-crossed lovers" mindset MM sells to OW. She will not stay with him if he can't make her believe this. And the wife will not stay with him unless he makes her believe he is faithful. Both women need their self respect and often will tell themselves whatever they need to tell themselves in order to maintain it. Many MMs are brilliant at keeping both women on a string by reinforcing this dynamic.

[sweet_pea]

It is gross cause imho a BS that takes back a WS thats in love with another woman is grossly broken and needs the validation of simply being somebodys wife over finding a good man for herself who will love and never cheat on her. They are out there, my xH was farrrrr from perfect, but faithful 100% of the time, never sneaky, if he ran out somewhere he would want me with him, not texting the OW re: where to meet while scuffling out the door like a sewer rodent.

 

I think the issue with this is you don't realize that with time, effort, lots of counseling, patience and love, the WS can turn back into a good man who loves their BS and will not cheat on them again. I also don't think a BS is broken and needing validation because they want to try to work it out with their WS (and lol at you calling the BS broken/needing validation for being with their WS....) I personally think they're even stronger for trying, and of course I also believe most of the times they are also still in love with their WS despite the pain.

 

I think you calling it "gross" is what bothers me the most. Trying to mend/rebuild a relationship shouldn't be seen as gross. Oh well, that's all my opinion aaaaand I'll just be reading from here on out

[thecharade]

This was actually THE thing with me, the thing I couldn't get past or understand or forgive: my exBF's "position" on his W and M. If he were to speak badly of her (he didn't), then I would have no respect for this guy that insults his wife but doesn't divorce her. He would sound like a whiny child, not a man. But then, if he spoke well about his wife (he didn't), I'd be feeling like, "What kind of man tells another woman how much he loves her while mentioning how much he respects his wife? Who intentionally hurts TWO women?" And lastly, if he never mentioned his W at all, then he'd be some sort of fake, acting as if he were a swinging single when he was exactly the opposite. Nothing he said or didn't say worked for me. It never felt like a reflection on her; it always felt like a major character flaw in him, and I simply could not get past it. I would stare at him thinking, "Who are you? How can you do this?"

 

I have big, ugly issues that I have been trying to work through, but they revolve around the loss of respect and love for my H. Whatever I shared with my exBF was the truth, and I didn't demonize my H to justify anything. I genuinely had given up on my M, and the A would never have happened otherwise. But what was my exBF's angle? What did he think or feel about his W while he was saying and doing and being those things with me? The answer doesn't matter because every last possibility reflects a character flaw in him that I couldn't live with. The A is over, but he will remain very damaged. His ability to do what he did for the reasons he did clearly showed me that.

[Eggplant]

A lot of wives nag and get controlling in a loving sort of way. I've noticed it in many couples, and have always vowed not to do it -- I think it's a bad idea. It is however, a small crime, if any. A misdemeanor. Who really cares? How can you gossip and be outraged about this wife's little nagging when you're, meanwhile, HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN? You see the absurdity? She's making a small, everyday little blunder, if anything, and you're ....

[chelsea2011]

She doesn't sound like a demon to me. Just a woman who is concerned about her husband after surgery. That makes total sense. She probably knows he will go against doctor's orders and drive when isn't suppose to and she feels an obligation to enforce them to protect her family. What if he kills someone? Sounds kinda like they have a codependant relationship. He pushes boundaries and she is there to reign him in when he does. You are doing the same by "demonizing" his wife by jumping on the bandwagon.

 

This a preview.

[CrystalCastles]

Oh, there have been lots of other incidents where she has been controlling and treating him like a child. And who am I to hate her? A person who has a right to her feelings.

 

Is that something MM told you?

[MissBee]

Is this common?

I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

 

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

 

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

 

Hmm...it seems pretty common that people do this.

 

It's an understandable psychological process, jealousy, envy, resentment because this person is with the person you want/love so you demonize them and then project all kinds of things on to them, that often should be directed at the MP, or any negative you know about them you zoom in on it and make it larger than life.

 

People do this even outside of affairs. I didn't do this and mainly it's because I didn't know her or enough about her to do so. But I do recall feeling irrational dislike for an exes' new gf....simply because I wasn't over him and she was with him. While she wasn't pretty or that smart in actual fact, I definitely blew it up more than necessary and nitpicked at her in my mind. It was petty. Had she been Miss Universe and smarter than a whip, I'd have probably felt the same disdain because of my own feelings of jealousy.

[MissBee]

Actually the MM seems to put up with the BS's bs, and escape to solace of the OW to regain sanity, and feel appreciated and loved.... in some cases

 

How romantic.

 

You are a respite from madness? Like a cocktail after work? Then you leave the bar and go home to your life...

 

I'm sorry, is this supposed to be sweet? I want to be more to my man than simply a refuge from an allegedly life he chose and continues to choose every frickin day smh. A temporary refuge at that, since he takes you in doses then goes back to lead his open normal life.

 

I don't see the romance or respect and value in this at all. But to each her own right?

[snowflakes88]

I'm shy. I don't want everyone staring at us.

 

Cool story, bro.

[MissBee]

I'm shy. I don't want everyone staring at us.

 

 

LMAO! Where do you live that people stare at couples who hold hands????

[snowflakes88]

 

LMAO! Where do you live that people stare at couples who hold hands????

 

Seriously, the level of delusion-as-a-means-of-self-preservation is astounding. I refuse to believe Nunya (or any of the OW who claim they just LOVE staying hidden away inside the house all of the time because it's so romantic and private ) operated this way in relationships with single men. If you had date nights, held hands, shared a kiss, introduced single guys you dated to friends/family as your bf, had them introduce you to their friends/family as their gf, etc. -- we're really supposed to believe your desire for all of those things suddenly dissipates because you're in an A? You're suddenly a introverted hermit who only likes to spend limited time with your man behind closed doors, because it's more "romantical" that way? Okay, girl.

 

There's no shame in admitting you'd rather be having date night with the man you love instead of sitting at home alone while he's with another woman. And I'm genuinely not saying that as a dig -- that doesn't make you weak, IMO. It makes you human. It has to be exhausting to try to convince yourself you don't want all of the little things that come with a traditional relationship.

 

And I don't limit this line of thinking to the A context, either. Never been a BS or OW, but I've certainly dated men who could not / did not give me what I knew I wanted / needed / deserved -- and I've certainly made those delusional attempts to convince myself that what I was getting was okay. It was better than okay, it was great! I was happy! It was enough! Except that it wasn't, and I knew that deep down. That shizz is tiring, and I hate seeing other women doing it so transparently. Never again for me.

[waterwoman]

Got it, I hope you are right, that it's posted just to inflame, the alternative is just too awful. Poor woman, hated for caring about her H.

[LilGirlandOW]

First off, I'm not stating how my R with MM is, or how our dynamic works.

 

I think OP has a valid point, which I would go as far as saying occurs more in A's where the AP's live in and have close contact with eachothers other lives.

 

OP is being brutually honest, I sense confusion in her post, like an "is this normal" idea. And it is, especially in cases where the AP's spend alot of time together and are fed antidotes about the others "other life". A confusing association of feelings by proxy.

 

I think when reading the OP, you need to skip the example and gather the general feeling. Its valid and I hear it over and over from (S)OW's time and time again. I think in a sense its a form of the WS gaslighting the AP to gain sympathy, empathy and (false) understanding.

 

Again, my posts in this thread are NOT an exact mould of how I feel about the BS or MM in my situation. But how the OW can possibly get lost in negative feelings during the A.

 

This thread is a read-between-the-lines topic

[LilGirlandOW]

Hey maybe it's not right.

 

But it is a valid topic. Like hostages falling in love, or feeling compassion for the hostage taker. Obviously stokholm syndrome and A's are two hugely different things. The feelings of hatered towards the outside party, be it police or BS is kinda the same, and moulded by the "person" linking the two parallel situations.

 

Cant argue the OP validity.

[LilGirlandOW]

East_Coaster et al,

 

flip the coin, MM is my respite. I have alot going on in my life.

 

If our R sucked, or I caught him betraying my parameters, he would be gone with the wind. I'm not ever going to be a B(SO), BW, B(GF). In my case, currently, we share a common ground built on a strong foundation. Our R developed, we didnt seek AP's.

[Nyla]

Is this common?

I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

 

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

 

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

 

You don't like your AP's wife because you are jealous that she is the main course, while you are the side dish. No matter what your AP says about his wife, she is the one he is choosing to be with.

[stillafool]

I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her.

 

Why do you despise her?

[janedoe67]

I am assuming all OW's despise the BW. After all, the ultimate way a woman shows her despite for another woman is taking her man. So yeah....it doesn't surprise me at all.

[ComingInHot]

Lisalee, I was a BS, does that make me bad?

I offered nothing but Grace to exOW & she still hated me.

I am certain My H told her Only bad things about me to make me look like a demon in her eyes and what she saw of me was then distorted. She worked for us on occasion and if I even so much as asked a business question I was a b*itch...

 

I know I'm Not Your BW, but would you consider there to be any similarities?

 

By the way, I like A-lot of what you post here*