smackhack Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I fell in love with a guy who is a monk. We met in 2007. He is a Tibetan Buddhist monk. We were madly in love. In some Buddhist sects, it's okay for a monk to marry. Japanese monks can marry. Thai monks can quit and marry. TIbetan monks can't unless they are big teachers in the Nyingma sect. So we were together for three years and he didn't want to quit. He and I got along great, we had lots of fun, but I was his little secret. If anyone found out, he was afraid that his family and community would hate him. And it's true; people can be brutal to monks who quit. I broke up with him just this last year after not seeing him for 18 months. I left him in India to go work in another country. He was supposed to join us and quit being a monk but he refused to come with us after his family begged him to stay a monk forever. So I had to go home to America to be with family because I was emotionally out of balance. I lost it; I couldn't handle the pain of the situation and called it off. He wants me to come back to India and get involved again. I told him no and that it was over. NC has been brutal. He knows when I think about him because he leaves little notes on my FB. I've de-friended him. I've done meditations and visualizations telling him that I love him and it's over and I don't want to go back to him ever! My heart feels like a dull throb of pain. I don't want to go back but I miss him so intensely. It hurts so much. I don't know how I can ever be ready for another to enter my life. Anyway, this morning, our mutual friend posted some videos of their hike and he was talking in two of them. I saw his head and I lost it. I burst into tears. When I tune into that pain, I just want hugs from him and his reassurance that our break up was all nonsense. Yes, it's puerile and ridiculous. I don't know how move through this grief. I just don't know. Together we weren't clingy. He and I are both independent people. He brought a lot of joy into my life. The reason I left is because he was lying to everyone about being a monk. He had lied to me on several occasions and he was lying to his community and family. I love him and lying is a deal breaker. I can't be his secret woman. So I don't know how to move through this. We still love each other but I don't want to go back to him and it's a fat chance that he will quit and be with me. I am going to go back to India next year and continue to work toward being a translator in Hindi and Tibetan. I will continue to have limited to no contact with him. Anyone have ideas about how to move through this grief a little faster? The pain makes me nuts. My heart hurts...no, I'm not in love with the idea of him. I find myself angry at his choices, understanding too, and knowing viscerally he is NOT the one for me. But shhhhhhoooootttt I miss him and the closeness we had, the hugs and warmth. I felt so well-loved. Thanks all.
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