mbee Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Okay so I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. On Wednesday (a day and a half ago) he said something rude and inconsiderate to me. I'm not taking it personally but it was awkward to say the least. I didn't yell, get angry or talk down at him. I simply told him that his words really upset me. He apologized for offending me, but whatever "moment" we were having got ruined. I was like "okay, guess I'll go" and he basically told me goodnight, I'll talk to you soon and had a sad look on his face about it. Then, I left! I'm not used to dating. It's been awhile. I remember from the past, that when seeing someone, things get lost in translation. We had plans this weekend and I haven't heard from him and I'm not the type to play games. How do people handle things like this? Is it normal for things like this to happen? This negative interaction is not a dealbreaker for me, but enough for me to reevaluate if this guy is a good match for me. Since he really did hurt my feelings, I feel a bit weird reaching out to him, like I'm a pushover but at the same time, I'm really not in the mood for playing the game of who contacts who first.
mercuryshadow Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Okay so I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. On Wednesday (a day and a half ago) he said something rude and inconsiderate to me. I'm not taking it personally but it was awkward to say the least. I didn't yell, get angry or talk down at him. I simply told him that his words really upset me. He apologized for offending me, but whatever "moment" we were having got ruined. I was like "okay, guess I'll go" and he basically told me goodnight, I'll talk to you soon and had a sad look on his face about it. Then, I left! I'm not used to dating. It's been awhile. I remember from the past, that when seeing someone, things get lost in translation. We had plans this weekend and I haven't heard from him and I'm not the type to play games. How do people handle things like this? Is it normal for things like this to happen? This negative interaction is not a dealbreaker for me, but enough for me to reevaluate if this guy is a good match for me. Since he really did hurt my feelings, I feel a bit weird reaching out to him, like I'm a pushover but at the same time, I'm really not in the mood for playing the game of who contacts who first. In order to gauge the situation appropriately, I think it would be helpful if you shared what he said to you. I'm sure that advice would differ if it were blatantly rude and disrespectful, as opposed to aloof and just thoughtless. 3
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Well, you are taking it personally and that's okay. You wouldn't have left and feel so strongly if you were not personally affected by the episode. I am not quite certain about who should contact whom, but you are the one who left, so if this transgression is forgivable then I'd contact him. He did apologize and seemed disappointed. Is he worth it? That's the question. If so, let him know that you've cooled down and want to know of the weekend plans. The ball will be on his side of the court and you then wait. 2
Author mbee Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 (edited) He basically made some comments about my personality... that I'm really awkward and how sometimes I come off as stupid. And then he made a couple of harsh judgments based off that (i.e., I make poor decisions in relationships and if I'm going to interview the same way, then I can't expect to get the right job (this is a metaphor for something he never revealed)) I am not stupid for the record, I just have a silly, ditzy type personality. Also, that metaphor that he refused to explain, because he said it would come off as really mean was really not cool, especially since he admitted that he meant it in a really mean way. Man, after writing this out, I'm not sure if this is worth it. I really like him and like being open-minded but I'm not sure if you guys consider this a deal breaker? He does know about my relationship history so that's why he made the comment about the "poor decisions" thing. He's also made poor decisions but so does everyone. That's why we are both single, learning from our experiences and hopefully closer to meeting a good match. I also know I come off as silly but this guy knows I'm an intelligent young woman, so what does it matter if my humor and personality is a bit silly. That's just my personality. Edited October 4, 2013 by mbee
happywithlife Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Those are really harsh words. No wonder you left. I wouldn't contact a guy I've only known a short time if those words were said to me. I would keep looking, he's not worth it! 3
mercuryshadow Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 He basically made some comments about my personality... that I'm really awkward and how sometimes I come off as stupid. And then he made a couple of harsh judgments based off that (i.e., I make poor decisions in relationships and if I'm going to interview the same way, then I can't expect to get the right job (this is a metaphor for something he never revealed)) I am not stupid for the record, I just have a silly, ditzy type personality. Also, that metaphor that he refused to explain, because he said it would come off as really mean was really not cool, especially since he admitted that he meant it in a really mean way. Man, after writing this out, I'm not sure if this is worth it. I really like him and like being open-minded but I'm not sure if you guys consider this a deal breaker? He does know about my relationship history so that's why he made the comment about the "poor decisions" thing. He's also made poor decisions but so does everyone. That's why we are both single, learning from our experiences and hopefully closer to meeting a good match. I also know I come off as silly but this guy knows I'm an intelligent young woman, so what does it matter if my humor and personality is a bit silly. That's just my personality. The only thing that matters is what YOU think. In all honesty, I think it'd be hard for ANYONE to not take those comments personally (they were about your personality, after all). If you decide to keep seeing him, I'd say err on the side of caution going forward. If he doesn't appreciate you for who you are (i.e. your personality for what it is), then his reasons for dating you must be pretty shallow.
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 He basically made some comments about my personality... that I'm really awkward and how sometimes I come off as stupid. And then he made a couple of harsh judgments based off that (i.e., I make poor decisions in relationships and if I'm going to interview the same way, then I can't expect to get the right job (this is a metaphor for something he never revealed)) I am not stupid for the record, I just have a silly, ditzy type personality. Also, that metaphor that he refused to explain, because he said it would come off as really mean was really not cool, especially since he admitted that he meant it in a really mean way. Man, after writing this out, I'm not sure if this is worth it. I really like him and like being open-minded but I'm not sure if you guys consider this a deal breaker? Ouch and ugh...sorry, but that would be a deal-breaker for me. You know that that will be the impression that he will have of you from this point on. It may become tempered after a while, if he gets to know you, but his openness to insult you is a personality trait that will not disappear. Yikes. He was an a$$. 1
Phantom888 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 If you dont think this is a deal breaker, talk it over. Better to get it out of the way than to bury it.
giblesp Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Man, after writing this out, I'm not sure if this is worth it Sound like you've come to the right decision. And he's got no right to judge you're past. Seems like he's a jealous and insecure type. That will make him prone to be controlling.
Lansing Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I will go against the grain here to give you another perspective. Maybe he was concerned that you "come across" as a certain way to others not so much that you are "stupid". I am sure he doesn't think you are stupid, I know I wouldn't want to date a stupid girl. However, maybe he is thinking tha the "ditzy" vibe might be effecting your chances of employment/etc. For example, if you were a "valley girl" that said "Like" a lot or whatever. I don't think he was trying to harm you but maybe give you an outside view. There is a fine line sometimes on how to tell people these type of things. I wouldn't be so quick to end things but then again if this is a repeat thing then that can be an issue. 2
tlegend Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I like what Lansing said. Give this guy a chance, don't be so quick to shut out an opportunity at the first sign of trouble. Granted, you need to protect yourself and if he isn't a good fit, you can always make that decision. However, if he really looked disappointed and hurt that it hurt you that way, he's probably trying to live that down right now. I mean, come on, when do us men ever get anything right the first time? I say give him a chance, especially because you like him. But make it known that you will not be a punching bag for his insecurities and inner turmoils. 2
Author mbee Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 I greatly appreciate everyone's comments. I do view this as a red flag. For the record, I don't this is about employment. Not to brag or sound egotistical (I'm not) but I'm in my mid-20s, make a lot of money, go on lavish vacations a ton (with my own money), come from a poor background and have worked really hard to where I am at now. I've have never had issues getting great jobs and I turn off my silly/ditzy mode during interviews. There's really no reason for him to think I'd have issues getting a job. He's also seen me in work mode once, during an emergency, where I had to be professional, get online during a date and handle things and he commented on how sexy it was to see me hardworking and taking care of things. I'm not going to cut him off entirely just yet, but he did just contact me an hour about getting together again. I've included a friend, to make this sort of a group date and he is okay with that. My friends haven't met him yet so perhaps they will give me more insight into his personality.
Author mbee Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 I like what Lansing said. Give this guy a chance, don't be so quick to shut out an opportunity at the first sign of trouble. Granted, you need to protect yourself and if he isn't a good fit, you can always make that decision. However, if he really looked disappointed and hurt that it hurt you that way, he's probably trying to live that down right now. I mean, come on, when do us men ever get anything right the first time? I say give him a chance, especially because you like him. But make it known that you will not be a punching bag for his insecurities and inner turmoils. I will definitely make that known to him since that's really not okay. He'll get another chance this weekend and I'll bring it up when we get a moment alone. I thought about mentioning this via text, but everything sounds melodramatic via texting. I do think maybe he's taking his insecurities out on me, at least he was that night. So hopefully I'll be able to figure out what's going on soon or at least know if this guy is worth dating.
pteromom Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Yeah, it's possible he meant that as constructive criticism. I'm more concerned that he doesn't "get" you. If you enjoy being silly, and he thinks it is stupid, that isn't the foundation of a very satisfying relationship. I wouldn't necessarily break it off, but I would flag this incident, and pay attention in the future for more rude comments or dismissal of who you are. 1
Tayla Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Always trust your gut instinct. In this case you sensed a hurt and went with it. Bravo for you! And NO its not being "over sensitive" to have a comment like that recited. Its rude and not at all helpful to you . Its not about giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. Its about recognizing that what is said can not be erased and its a sign of things to come. Stay away from that person....Its not healthy. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 At the least, this guy has a poor filter, thinking process. This was your first date and he managed to PERSONALLY offend you with words that he admitted was mean, right? I would be troubled each time I thought about and saw him if I gave him another chance. I would be VERY and CLINICALLY vigilant about every word he said. Not worth it. There are plenty of guys who will not offend you on a first date.
Author mbee Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 At the least, this guy has a poor filter, thinking process. This was your first date and he managed to PERSONALLY offend you with words that he admitted was mean, right? I would be troubled each time I thought about and saw him if I gave him another chance. I would be VERY and CLINICALLY vigilant about every word he said. Not worth it. There are plenty of guys who will not offend you on a first date. I always love your input! I just wanted to clarify that we've been seeing each other for a month and a half. This was not the first date. I stopped counting awhile ago but if I had to estimate what date this was... it's our 9th or 10th date and we have lengthy dates that span half a day. We are both very comfortable around each other and he's said things that could be perceived as offensive but it was always sarcastic and playful. I'd do the same with him. So sometimes we make fun of each other and it's cute. For the record, sometimes us joking around gets misinterpreted. I have said some offensive or rude things unintentionally (very sarcastic) but apologized right away and explained it's not what I meant. He's done the same and it was never an issue. This however was over stepping a line and he seemed to be serious about his comment.
soccerrprp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I always love your input! I just wanted to clarify that we've been seeing each other for a month and a half. This was not the first date. I stopped counting awhile ago but if I had to estimate what date this was... it's our 9th or 10th date and we have lengthy dates that span half a day. We are both very comfortable around each other and he's said things that could be perceived as offensive but it was always sarcastic and playful. I'd do the same with him. So sometimes we make fun of each other and it's cute. For the record, sometimes us joking around gets misinterpreted. I have said some offensive or rude things unintentionally (very sarcastic) but apologized right away and explained it's not what I meant. He's done the same and it was never an issue. This however was over stepping a line and he seemed to be serious about his comment. mbee, You're killing me here. I keep putting my foot in my mouth with the observations I've made. I wish I knew all of this earlier. So, this is the first time over a period of 1+ months of dating. Well, I must say that that changes my perspective a little. You admit to saying some rude and offensive things to him in the past, so this time he said something that you were particularly offended by. Perhaps it was a "slip-up" of common sense this time and really didn't mean it. I think when you get too comfortable communicating in such a sarcastic and relatively offensive manner, someone is bound to say something that's just a little more raw than intended. That's what it sounds like happened to me, but you feel that he was being intentionally malicious in his language this time?
Author mbee Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 mbee, You're killing me here. I keep putting my foot in my mouth with the observations I've made. I wish I knew all of this earlier. So, this is the first time over a period of 1+ months of dating. Well, I must say that that changes my perspective a little. You admit to saying some rude and offensive things to him in the past, so this time he said something that you were particularly offended by. Perhaps it was a "slip-up" of common sense this time and really didn't mean it. I think when you get too comfortable communicating in such a sarcastic and relatively offensive manner, someone is bound to say something that's just a little more raw than intended. That's what it sounds like happened to me, but you feel that he was being intentionally malicious in his language this time? Haha sorry for all the confusion. I try to keep my questions brief but overlook obvious details. Yes, this was definitely intentionally offensive. Whenever it's sarcastic we both always apologize and say we are being sarcastic. But this never happened and he let me get up and leave. He did apologize for offending me but did not retract the statement. He also commented that what he was saying was actually really mean. He had been trying to not tell me these things, but it just came out. Maybe he thought it would be okay. He had remarked sometime in this conversation about how I enjoy him being brutally honest. This is true. He's very honest and I'd prefer for him to be honest than lie to me, but to say these observations is not necessary and was only meant to hurt my feelings. It's hard to really go through every reason but I am 100% certain that this comment was not sarcastic and maybe he wasn't intentionally trying to be rude, but he was being honest. And he did seem genuinely surprised that I found his comment to be rude, so maybe it's possible that because we both are so honest with each other, that he had no idea that that comment would make me so upset? Just a thought? Not sure, honestly. It's hard to say since I have enough common sense to not say offensive statements regarding attributes that a person cannot change easily.
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