He told her he loves me

[rae_lana]

Things are getting crazy here, and I know people are going to say they called this the whole time but really I don't think any of this ever would have come out if I hadn't come here a few months ago.

After coming here I was finally able to be honest with OM how I was feeling.

 

I was content to just keep the affair secret back then, but after reading so many opinions, and really a lot of betrayed spouses who really hit home to me. I just was starting to feel guilty everyday and told OM this..

 

He's married to my best friend and we are all close, all four of us have a separate relationship with each other. We do love our spouses but its been obvious since shortly after we met that his wife and my husband were more alike and me and him were more alike .. Not in small ways.

 

When described here I'm sure we sound like terrible people. We are not and its not like this is just about sex.. I'm talking day to day things me and him are like the same person.

 

Last night when I was over at their house, she jokingly brought this up again, saying we are exactly the same. After I left I guess he told her he was in love with me.

 

She's not angry at me, she's angry at him.

 

She apparently smacked him after he said it. Texted me and said "see! I knew it I knew it! He's obsessed with you." .. I had no idea what to say other than to try and reassure her she's great.. She told me not to take it personal and she's known he felt that way for a long time and that she trusts me.

 

But she shouldn't trust me.

 

It was also HER that said to him and me last night that we can't tell my husband that he feels this way or my husband won't want to get together with them anymore...

 

I think this opened a door though. I believe we'll have to get this out in the open soon.

 

I feel panicked and sick right now.

Edited October 4, 2013 by rae_lana

[underwater2010]

This is your perfect opportunity to come clean. He is acting like a loose cannon right now.

[rae_lana]

This is your perfect opportunity to come clean. He is acting like a loose cannon right now.

 

He's not really acting like a loose cannon he seems so calm and collected about it right now. He thinks we can tell them we have feelings for each other and leave out that we've been having an affair.

 

She's been saying he's obsessed with me for over a year, he said that she said it again after I left and so he said, I'm not obsessed with her, I'm in love with her.

 

She's furious with him right now, but not in the way you would expect. She's mad at him for making me uncomfortable and mad that this might affect our group friendship because she knows what my husbands like.

 

And yes.. I've been in contact with both him and her this morning. I do think its time to tell my husband but I don't exactly know what to tell.

[underwater2010]

He's not really acting like a loose cannon he seems so calm and collected about it right now. He thinks we can tell them we have feelings for each other and leave out that we've been having an affair.

 

She's been saying he's obsessed with me for over a year, he said that she said it again after I left and so he said, I'm not obsessed with her, I'm in love with her.

 

She's furious with him right now, but not in the way you would expect. She's mad at him for making me uncomfortable and mad that this might affect our group friendship because she knows what my husbands like.

 

And yes.. I've been in contact with both him and her this morning. I do think its time to tell my husband but I don't exactly know what to tell.

Each and every little detail. DO NOT leave anything out. If you do it will bite you in the butt later.

[waterwoman]

He sounds like a totally cAllous person.

[rae_lana]

He sounds like a totally cAllous person.

 

I know he sounds like that. When I read back I can see how he sounds terrible but he's not. Everyone that knows him loves him.. he's an easy going laid back guy, would give the shirt off his back to a stranger .. But he has it in his head that it should be ok for him to love and have both me and her.

[velvette]

He sounds like a totally cAllous person.

 

On top of being a nutjob!

 

rae_lana, you better take control of your own destiny before he blows your life to smithereens.

[PhoenixRise]

Things are getting crazy here, and I know people are going to say they called this the whole time but really I don't think any of this ever would have come out if I hadn't come here a few months ago.

After coming here I was finally able to be honest with OM how I was feeling.

 

I was content to just keep the affair secret back then, but after reading so many opinions, and really a lot of betrayed spouses who really hit home to me. I just was starting to feel guilty everyday and told OM this..

 

He's married to my best friend and we are all close, all four of us have a separate relationship with each other. We do love our spouses but its been obvious since shortly after we met that his wife and my husband were more alike and me and him were more alike .. Not in small ways.

 

When described here I'm sure we sound like terrible people. We are not and its not like this is just about sex.. I'm talking day to day things me and him are like the same person.

 

Last night when I was over at their house, she jokingly brought this up again, saying we are exactly the same. After I left I guess he told her he was in love with me.

 

She's not angry at me, she's angry at him.

 

She apparently smacked him after he said it. Texted me and said "see! I knew it I knew it! He's obsessed with you." .. I had no idea what to say other than to try and reassure her she's great.. She told me not to take it personal and she's known he felt that way for a long time and that she trusts me.

But she shouldn't trust me.

 

It was also HER that said to him and me last night that we can't tell my husband that he feels this way or my husband won't want to get together with them anymore...

 

I think this opened a door though. I believe we'll have to get this out in the open soon.

 

I feel panicked and sick right now.

 

When this all comes out. And whether you believe it or not it IS all coming out, she is going to be hurt by his actions. But she is going to be completely and totally destroyed by YOUR betrayal.

 

Instead of assuring her and letting her believe she could pour her innermost thoughts out to you regarding her husband. You should have just told her you reciprocate his feelings and have been having an affair.

 

This is just getting uglier and uglier and there is not going to be a happily ever after for anybody involved.

[cif]

He is an excellent philanderer. He has you eating out of his hand.

 

OM will destroy you and you will lose everything you accomplished. Remember, you have no family of your own. The H and kids are your only family and you are about to lose them.

 

 

OM is a flaky, drug addict philanderer that cannot hold a candle to your H.

 

 

GO ahead, destroy your life.

 

I agree with this. Rae, wish you the best.

[jlola]

At the risk of having people accuse me of being an alarmist I will use xxxx for who and what this man is.

 

The XXXXX It is all smoke and mirrors

by Donna Lee on 08/27/13

 

Why because they live a life that appears at first sight as being normal but deep down inside it is all a lie. They often have double lives. XXXXX can appear to others as being charming, fun, the life of the party and so engaging but it is all an act. They are irresponsible and impulsive because they think that they can figure it out at the last minute.People are a tool for the xxxxx. They are very intelligent with high IQ’s. They know this and they use it to manipulate others. Their xxxx side makes them better than others and entitled to screw people over.

 

The xxxx is a con artist and a master manipulator. They like to make people believe an altered reality. For instance they will try to make their spouse, children and friends doubt their own feelings by telling them that they are wrong and confused. They do it in such a manner that is conniving.

 

This is how they create smoke and mirrors by making people think one thing is going on that is different from reality. They do this so that they are never found out to be a fake with no conscious. They never feel shame, remorse or guilt.

 

Even though most of what they are saying is B.S. Remember, they have to impress you as a part of the grooming process to reel you in. They are gauging your responses to see it you will make a great victim. Often a xxxx is also xxxx to a point because they believe their own baloney. They have to in order to keep the front going.

 

 

Dating a xxxx seems to happen often to people these days. xxxx are often married but have affairs. They will even ride the edge of taking the girlfriend/boyfriend/lover many places close to where they live and work to make them feel safe dating them. This prevents doubt and makes their lover feel safe that they are the only partner.

 

When they are caught cheating, the xxxx will swear that they marriage was abusive or without affection even though their spouse had no clue that they had marital issues

[lollipopspot]

rae lana

 

I've never read your posts before so I am new to your situation. But what do you ultimately both want?

 

If you want to be together, leave your spouses. They don't even need to know about the affair.

 

If you want to be married to your spouses, stop the affair and hints to spouses that you have feelings for your APs. They don't need to know about the affair.

 

There are situations in which I can understand affairs (and I say this as someone who has been cheated on). Maybe yours is one of them, if I knew more about it. But just from this post it almost seems like you guys are stringing this out, waiting for the day in which you will "tell." But why? It seems better to make a decision now, and either be together or accept that you're not going to be. Or just be really, really secretive, carry on the affair, and hope that you never get caught. But he's not doing that - he's dropping hints. What's the end goal here?

[Owl]

But she shouldn't trust me.

 

 

Did you tell her this?

 

Did you tell her the truth of what's been going on? Give her ALL the information?

 

It was/is your opportunity to do so.

 

It's the truth that she deserves to hear...and so does your H.

 

You need to rip the bandaid off.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Right now, today, you have in your control to determine when, how and where disclosure will happen.

 

You can make arrangements for your children to not be there. With a neutral party that does not know the other couple.

 

You can also change your phone number, make other arrangements for accommodations if needed, etc...without total chaos swarming around.

 

Tomorrow that might not be the case.

 

Which is more palatable?

[rae_lana]

He is an excellent philanderer. He has you eating out of his hand.

 

OM will destroy you and you will lose everything you accomplished. Remember, you have no family of your own. The H and kids are your only family and you are about to lose them.

 

 

OM is a flaky, drug addict philanderer that cannot hold a candle to your H.

 

 

GO ahead, destroy your life.

 

My husband has beaten my personality down to the point I feel like he doesn't like the real me at all, he's been a complete ******* to me since he started getting stressed at work over a year ago. I'm well aware that having an affair trumps that.. But my husband is no saint.

I don't even know that I can keep trying with him but I do because we have kids.

[lollipopspot]

My husband has beaten my personality down to the point I feel like he doesn't like the real me at all, he's been a complete ******* to me since he started getting stressed at work over a year ago. I'm well aware that having an affair trumps that.. But my husband is no saint.

 

Is having an affair worse? I don't know.

 

You have a troubled marriage.

 

Is there any way to save it, since you have children?

[ladydesigner]

(((rae-lana))) I would just be honest with anyone who asked. Wipe your slate clean and start getting healthy for yourself. Your WH is the next to find out and it will be better coming from you. You may want to do this away from the kids have them stay somewhere else. DDay is upon you now and I am sorry you are going through this but you will get through and hopefully learn from it as well. It is not going to be an easy time.

[ladydesigner]

Hopefully she isn't one of those people who has to make everyone else miserable bc she is hurting and unable to self soothe, but she may be - I would try to be prepared for that possibility as much as possible.

 

WTHF it may be a possibility, but it is a NORMAL reaction of the BS. To react calmly to finding out your whole world has been blown apart is very few and far between. Why should the BW take it on the chin and accept the WS and AP's disgusting behavior? I know I didn't. If my WH were to pull this crap again he would be very sorry.

 

One reason why it is good to react this way is it sets the pace for the BS and what they are willing to put up with and that the WS not disrespect any further. It was when I got mad and put my foot down that I started to see the respect I deserved from my WH.

[rae_lana]

Our kids are going to be my husbands parents all weekend.

 

And yes, so the four of us could get together, planned by my husband and her husband. I told everyone of them last week that I wanted us to stay home and take a break but nobody listened to a word of it. For a few days it seemed possible but the four of us have spend several days a week together for years.. Nobody sees a reason to stop.

Nobody wants too.

 

I'm the only one that seems to be losing my mind. I'm exhausted. I just want it to end and I know I have to tell them for that to happen, but yes the second it's exposed my marriage will be over and probably any chance of a relationship with any of his family will be gone too.. Past situations have shown me that.. They are highly against adultery and have cut several family members out before for less than what I've done.

 

And my friend.. I love her like a sister I ****ed up huge and with more than anything I could just take it back. I do not want to lose her, and I don't want to break her heart. I already have and she doesn't know it and now I have to tell her.. I can't explain what this feels like. I hate myself right now.

 

And yes this guy has done horrible things but no worse than me. And I do love him too

[rae_lana]

All of our families and friends know each other.

 

Each of us is bonded to the others children we are with each other almost every day. It's not as easy as just confessing ..

 

But I think we are going to have to.

[lollipopspot]

Why does anyone have to know? Can't you just stop the relationship and not hurt your friend?

 

Are you thinking when the affair is known that you and the OM will get together?

[rae_lana]

Why does anyone have to know? Can't you just stop the relationship and not hurt your friend?

 

Are you thinking when the affair is known that you and the OM will get together?

 

We've said the whole time nobody has to know. It worked for almost a year.. i started feeling guilty and horrible about it once i realized i was in love with him and not my husband anymore.. when I said it needed to end he had changed his mind. He wants it to continue or to tell them, end our marriages and be together.

 

But everyone knows everyone and whether I want to be with him or not we are destroying a lot of other lives by exposing it.

[lollipopspot]

So is the plan to have your marriages end after disclosure, and be together?

 

Why not just end the marriages now then?

[rae_lana]

So is the plan to have your marriages end after disclosure, and be together?

 

Why not just end the marriages now then?

 

There isn't really a plan I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I have kids, and no family of my own other than my husbands and non of them are going to speak to me again if I end my marriage this way.. I want my kids to have their dad in their life and it will be made very hard because he'll hate me and the kids will suffer because of that.. He's not a forgiving person this will understandably cause a lot of anger.

 

I love my OM's wife as much as I love him. I have to hurt someone or continue just hurting myself I have no idea what to do but it's not as simple as just telling them and living happily ever after.

[lollipopspot]

I'm very confused by this.

 

It may be controversial, but I don't think they need to know at all. I would say: decide.

 

- both divorce the spouses, and then eventually be together

- stop the relationship, and either work it out with your husband or leave

 

If you have no plan at all for what will happen, I don't see why dropping this bomb and letting the chips fall is any more benefit than the other options.

[2sunny]

It's obvious that lying throughout this isn't making you happy.

 

Why not just get honest?