Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Why in the world, since I am the one who broke off our relationship am I feeling so low? I was doing pretty much okay, then this morning he called, I was asleep when the phone rang so I couldn't check the caller ID. I picked it up assuming it was probably my mother, well needless to say it wasn't. (As dumb as this sounds I've been praying these past few days that he would NOT attempt to contact me). Well he did, hearing his voice always makes me want to cry and tell him to go ahead and come back. I know we can't work out, I just know it so this time I'm not going to put myself through this. My heart is breaking all over again just thinking about him, his voice, his tears, ect. I feel like a cold hearted selfish person for hurting him, but he is the one who hurt me with his words, at times I question if indeed this was reason enough to end the relationship, he didn't cheat, beat on me, go out w/ friends, ect so is him calling me names (and claimimg he's joking) enough to end a 2 year relationship? Even though I thought at the time it was the right thing to do, I am not so sure now. As I said this all comes after talking with him on the phone, I mean I told him again to please not contact me because it will be easier on both of us this way...knowing his heart was breaking is breaking mine and making me want to pick up the phone and call him... So what should I do...did I make the wrong choice?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Verbal abuse is the kind that scars on the inside. It may seem like he's joking - but honestly, didn't it make you feel awful inside? Do you think you could have learned to "deal with it"? No, of course not - nor should you have to. I think you were right to leave - because that will give him a chance to take a good long look at himself. Maybe he can work on resolving whatever issues he has on his own, and once that is done you two can look at reconciliation. I would make it clear though that if he isn't going to consider getting help to make the necessary changes not to be a verbal abuser then there can never be a future for you two.
Naive Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Barby, I'm sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when we are mad we do things without thinking them through first. Do you think that he went overboard with what he called you? Maybe you should have warned him before making such an abrupt decision. If it has happen before however, I would tell you that maybe you did do the right thing. 2 years is a long time to just let it go down the drains over (maybe) a misunderstanding. Take some time to meditate if what he said was really just a joke and if he can understand that you do not like to joke like that. Maybe it does not seem as bad now that time has passed. We are here for you girl.
tiki Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 He has GOT to quit contacting you. If you are not contacting him, this is ridiculous of him to do this to you! He's stringing you along by f*cking with your emotions. You don't throw alcohol in the face of a recovering alcoholic! This is essentially what he is doing to you. Don't let him. And check the caller ID next time.
Stone Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I believe that if two people are in love and loyal to eachother and BOTH parties are willing to work on the relationship it will work it's self out.... Several people told me to leave my b/f I did for awhile and took him back, actually I am glad I did because we are both 100% devoted to make it work now we are happy. You can only do what you want to, and we can only advise you. but your heart knows what it wants and how much Sh** it can handle... Good Luck
morrigan Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I'm sorry about what is going on. Sometimes after a breakup, you can remember all the great qualities this person had, and the times you enjoyed with them. As far as if it was a mistake to end the relationship due to comments he said to you, I will say there is a difference in teasing a person or deliberately saying things that are meant to be hurtful, especially if it is the same comments over and over. (I don't know what the situation was.) I would imagine he had to have seen your facial and emotional reactions to the things he said. It's not a joke if it chips at the person's self esteem. Had you ever been honest previously about how hurtful his comments towards you were? Did he ever acknowledge what he did was mean? Did he ever really make an honest attempt to stop the behavior? If you got back with him, do you believe he'd do the behavior again? If he just said he was sorry and didn't make an effort to stop what he was doing, I understand your reasons for ending it with him. Hope I helped somewhat. Take care of yourself.
Leikela Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Barby, It seems to me that you're either breaking up with Oscar or trying to work things out with him. Are you ever truly happy with him, without any kind of conflict? You said your deal breaker was after the first major break up with him when he was getting overly jealous and he scared you by being violent, something like a push. Does my memory serve me right? Please correct me if I'm wrong. Then you decided to be friends with him but I guess things progressed and you were an item again and now this. I remember we all told you the first time around that people rarely change and if they ever do, it's a long process that takes years and people only change when they want to FOR THEMSELVES. How many times is he going to disappoint you before you realize he needs to grow on his own without you to ever change? I've been through a relationship where we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together that it became an overplayed broken record. It took me YEARS to realize he wouldn't change, so I understand why you're still hanging on, or want to. It's easy to give advice but harder to follow. The thing that convinced me to move on from that relationship was the realization that I wasn't getting any younger and was wasting time. We both loved eachother, but love just wasn't enough. It's a painful heart wrenching experience, but if you know deep down inside it isn't meant to be, then slowly move on. Should you take him back? That's up to you and what's in your heart. Set your boundaries and stick to them! If he crosses them time and time again, then I think you have your answer. Take care!
Author Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Thanks for responding Actually besides his jealousy this is one of the issues we broke up over before, sadly it wasn't a one time thing, for instance he'll come in from work and I'll be in the kitchen making his dinner (though we don't live together) and he'll come over to me and he'll say "what are ya doing bitch" or "que estas haciendo perra" then he'll laugh and kiss me, and when I talk to him I say "how was your day honey" or "como fue tu dia mi amor" I NEVER talk to him the way he talks to me.... Other times he'll say "en que estas piensando puta" (what are you thinking about whore) if I'm just sitting there watching tv or somthing, I mean there is no reason for that when we aren't fighting or anything....he'll say "but you know we are close like that, you know I'm kidding" but I don't take it that way and it isn't like i've never told him how i feel. I tell him constantly "Oscar no mi hablas asi" (oscar don't talk to me like that) I don't threaten to leave cuz I think if you're going to threaten it should be when you're actually ready to do it. But his contacting me is always what makes me want to take him back, when he's crying telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how I'm the only thing that matters in his life, ect, ect...When he doesn't talk like this (which it's about 50/50) then he treats me well, holds me, is basically my best friend...but then this is an issue that really hurts...and now since i'm having surgery he called to say "can I please come with you to the hospital" and though I want him to I told him NO because I can't be around him right now... I'm such a mess!
Stone Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Is there a type of language barrier? Are you fluent in spanish?
tiki Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 He's not right in the head. Why's he calling you that stuff? You don't have to put up with that, you deserve better. Run.
Author Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Yes I am very fluent in spanish and have been for a long long time, so no language barrier there, we communicate just fine, I speak and write spanish well and he understands some english but we always always speak spanish so there are no mis-understandings. Tiki I know you're probably right, it's so hard though since we have 2 years together, I've never loved anyone like I love him even though I was married before, I've never felt this way ever in my life what so ever...he talks to his brothers this way, calls them names and they do the same to him, I know this is NO excuse because I am not them and he knows i don't like being called these things.
Naive Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Oh no Barby, that is not playing, those words are too extreme!!! Puta is a highly offensive word for me, that's a prostitute. In second thought you made the right choice. Check your caller ID and tell his A** that you do not want to talk to him. I know it's going to hurt you to hurt him because you are not like him, you actually respect others, but you have to love yourself before loving anyone else!!! Let him now he is out the door for good but if you do tell him this you have to go through with it !!!
tiki Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 He's a time bomb waiting to explode. He's verbally abusive. Sounds like he's physically abusive too. He's controlling. He has mood swings. He's not for you and you are not for him.
Stone Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Oh because the "what are you thinking about whore" really threw me off that doesn't make much sense. Have you asked him WHY he thinks it's approiprate to talk to you this way?
tiki Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by Barby Tiki I know you're probably right, it's so hard though since we have 2 years together, I've never loved anyone like I love him even though I was married before, I've never felt this way ever in my life what so ever...he talks to his brothers this way, calls them names and they do the same to him, I know this is NO excuse because I am not them and he knows i don't like being called these things. Well then give him one more chance, BUT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. Then if he continues, lose the bastard. I don't like seeing people treated like this. I'm very passionate about that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t52337/ -- don't fall into the majority of ultimatum givers. If you say it, mean it. Say what you mean, mean what you say. "Straighten up Oscar or get the f*ck out." --It's as easy as that. Is he even promising to never do this again??? Is he remorseful? That is a significant factor.
Author Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Oh no Barby, that is not playing, those words are too extreme!!! Puta is a highly offensive word for me, that's a prostitute. In second thought you made the right choice. Yeap it is the worst absolute worst thing he could chose to say to me, and he says it, he calls almost all women whores/prostitutes he always says "cada mujer es una puta, no hay buena mujers solamente si era es virgin" (sorry if my spelling is off) (all women are whores, there are no good women unless they are virgins). The only women he doesn't consider to be "putas" are his mother and sisters...but everyone else he considers that which to me makes no sense i know he has a problem inside of himself and i can't help him, but loving him makes it hard.. Originally posted by tiki He's a time bomb waiting to explode. He's verbally abusive. Sounds like he's physically abusive too. He's controlling. He has mood swings. He's not for you and you are not for him. Thanks. I guess as stupid as this sounds I just need confirmation.... Originally posted by Stone Oh because the "what are you thinking about whore" really threw me off that doesn't make much sense. Have you asked him WHY he thinks it's approiprate to talk to you this way? As I mentioned above he thinks all women are sluts/whores unless she is a virgin then he considers her decent enough to respect. Is he even promising to never do this again??? Is he remorseful? That is a significant factor. Yes he's promising to change (as he did before) he's stopped his jealousy but continues this even though he promised to stop it too. I don't think I'll give him another chance because since he knew he'd lost me once that should have been reason enough for him stop period. It just helps venting and getting my head back on straight!
Naive Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Well Barby I relly hope for your sake that you really do leave him. I know it's hard but it will not get any easier with time
Stone Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 HAHA o.k. He sounds immature ,disrespectful, and a little gangsta if you don't mind me saying so. Lose him
Author Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 Again thanks for the support, I guess why I keep questioning if I should hang on or not is because I'm afraid that I may never meet anyone who'll I'll have the same "connection" with, I mean not that I won't meet some wonderful man but what if I don't feel that way about them? I know this is probably what most of us go through in the ending of our relationships thinking "OMG what if this is the "ONE" I just hope that this get easier with time, I can't help but wonder "what do I do now"
Debster Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 The 'ONE' would never refer to you that way. The 'ONE' would cherish you and treat you with love and respect. The 'ONE' will protect you. Trust me, I have had my share of bad relationships too. After all - why else do people join Love Shack. However, once I did actually find the 'ONE' (my husband), it all just comes together. You know. You both spoil each other. Sounds like it was only you doing the spoiling. You can do better, Barby. Believe it.
tiki Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Barby, true love doesn't call you a whore. He's a joke. And a poor excuse for a man. Or did I already say that?
Naive Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by Debster Trust me, I have had my share of bad relationships too. After all - why else do people join Love Shack. So true!!! We are here for you Barby
Stone Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 He's not the "one" dear... I know you have said before that you would like children some day..... do you want your children to hear their father talking about ladies like this?
Author Barby Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 The 'ONE' would never refer to you that way. The 'ONE' would cherish you and treat you with love and respect. The 'ONE' will protect you. Trust me, I have had my share of bad relationships too. After all - why else do people join Love Shack. However, once I did actually find the 'ONE' (my husband), it all just comes together. You know. You both spoil each other. Sounds like it was only you doing the spoiling. Gawd does that hit home hard, I mean about the spoiling........I do EVERYTHING for him, it didn't start out that way at all and he's never asked me for anything....it just kinda happened that I would go shopping for me, buy something for him, then it progressed to where I did everything, cook, clean, buy things for him, do his clothes (with him there) and anything and everything I could to make him happy. I mean he didn't buy me things, I never asked him to, he didn't do things for me except change my oil in my car, and be with me daily, ect. He never attempted to do much to make me happy, we were just kind of together, it's hard to explain but writing this kind of makes it come to light how much I was missing but when I was with him I didn't feel like I missing anything. Stone, I know he's not. I know that there is no way that I can allow my kids to grow up thinking it's okay to think so bad of women....I guess he sort of molded my way of thinking for awhile, it's not so much that I "changed" to be with him but I kinda just "stopped being" much of anything except his girlfriend, I "stopped" doing anything but things for him and to make him happy or what I thought would cheer him up, ect... I lost myself for awhile and I hope I'll be able to find myself again...I was never this way before I don't know why this time I hit so hard...
Debster Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Yep, sounds like it was only you doing the spoiling. Trust me... the 'ONE' will spoil you. It doesn't have to be with presents or expensive dinners. Spoiling can be as simple as always turning the bum warmer on in the car before you get in it. It can be as easy as doing the chores he knows you can't stand. It can be as easy as baking or cooking your favourite foods. It is thinking of ways to show your partner you care. When you find your 'ONE' he will spoil you. Don't settle for anything else.
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