dustinthewind Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 So this is my story.. 6 months ago I met what I felt like was my perfect Match, and we actually met on Match.com.. I was married for over 22 years and she had been married twice but had now been single for about 10 years, and at the time we met I had been divorced 2.5 years so I was ready for dating and a new relationship..By the way we both are mid 40's... At the beginning of our dating I was introduced to many of her friends and eventually met her parents and siblings and I loved them and they all loved me, so it was all good ! I had heard a few comments from her friends over the months about how she was a non-committal type person but she seemed to be just the opposite from the attention she was giving me.. We shared an awesome sex life, we golfed together and went on trips together and we both make a 6 figure income so finances were not an issue with us. Now when I say this next paragraph I don't want you to think I'm conceited, I'm just telling you this so you can create a better picture in your mind of us... I am told often that even though I'm mid 40's I could easily pass for low 30's and fool everyone, I have been told i'm an extreemly attractive and handsome man..When I met her she literally looked like a librarian or school teacher with her innocent look and beautiful skin, but she was not the type of girl that would turn heads when she walked in the room, she dressed very conservative and actually portrayed the look of a nerd, but thats okay because in my eyes she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen!... So our dating was pretty awesome, I stayed all night with her averaging 3 nights per week, our work schedules were a bit different so we had to see each other when we could fit each other in and we both did a great job of making that happen...Here is where is gets bizzare for no reason... About 3 weeks before we parted ways she was about to make a decision to quit her job for a new higher paying job and I could sense she was stressed and she became a little distant and cold, so I would talk to her to attempt to relieve her anxiety about her new job change and let her know I support any decision she made...She also had a serious traffic violation that she was about to go to court over that could have her lose her license for a year if convicted and I went to her first court date with her for support and once again would try to ease her anxiety about the final upcoming court date.. One thing that really bothered me about our relationship is she had alot of GF's that she went out with 3 to 4 nights per week and I felt like I was fighting for her time near the end... So the night we ended it we went to a very nice restaurant and met a couple for a very nice dinner, we came back to her house and I could feel the coldness.. So I said could we get a glass of wine and turn off the TV and lets have a talk about us... I explained to her that I felt she was becoming distant and cold and I felt like she wasn't happy in a committed relationship and she would be much happier running with her single friends with no boundaries... She said it's not about being single as much as it's about us being so different (I'm a worker/provider type and she is a social butterfly)... So I suggested we part ways because I did not sign up for a P/T girlfriend that would not make me her priority.. I gave her back her key to her Condo, we hugged and kissed and she told me she really does love me and she cried, and I was gone...So here I am 5 days later wishing she was still in my life and totally confused how 2 people could get along so great, how I was so good to her and she was good to me, how we both treated each other with ultimate respect and never really had an argument or a disagreement about anything and here we are broken up and alone..it is truly bizzare!.. When I left I told her the ball is in her court, if a few weeks pass and feelings for me arise and she wants to reconcile I would leave that option up to her, and I will not not contact her unless she contacts me... You cannot force someone to love you, and through my years of experience with relationships you really do have to be able to set your partner free if your partner feels caged... If she contacts me and wants to reconcile then I will give our relationship another chance, but if she does not then I will know she loves her single life with no boundaries over a commited relationship with a guy thats crazy about her and has treated her like a princess...You would think by the time a girl hits mid 40's she would want to cut down on the party lifestyle and form a partnership with a guy that gets along with her friends and family and treats her with respect and shows her attention and that he supports her unconditionally...but apparently independence overules everything these days!
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I read through the lines of what you are NOT telling us: She has an alcohol problem, right? The "un-named" serious traffic issue...losing a license for a year = DUI. Hanging out with the girls 4 X a week without you. Non-committal, married twice. Typical signs. I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years (together 17). I can assure you that she will ALWAYS choose alcohol over ANYONE. It is the nature of the illness. You will never be able to give her enough comfort or love to make her well. She will only get worse until she surrenders and seeks help. You can do the same in al-anon. 1
Author dustinthewind Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Biggirl panties you are dead on correct! I'm not sure she is an alcoholic but more a social drinker... Although I can sit back and see that she has a drink about every evening but not to the point of getting drunk, usually a glass or 2 of wine with dinner and thats about all... To be honest the whole time I was with her I might have seen her semi-intoxicated twice... As I said before she is extreemly outgoing, she loves her friends and they love her, and I am all for having friendships as long as their are boundaries in place so the relationship does not suffer. Like most men I do not constantly want to be pushed aside for her Girls night out... I feel when we mutually agreed to become a couple that we would act like a couple and not act like we are single and friends with benefits... She did everything a partner would want to keep us connected for roughly 5 months and when her GF's started complaining that she didnt spend enough time with them she started drifting.. So I am seeing more and more of this when I go out, girls in large social groups of other girls having girls night outs while complaining they cant find a good guy.. I think the problem is they want to have a comanion, but without boundaries...and NO guy will tolerate that and no girl should tolerate a guy doing the same... But like i said, she is a super sweet person, she has a great social circle of friends, and maybe she does have an alcohol problem but i'm really not sure...But deep down I feel she suffers commitment issues and inside she is a loved but lonely person..and when she gets too close to someone, she pushes them away...just my opinion
demrea Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 with all due respect, please try and use paragraphs. it makes it far easier to read, comprehend and respond too. I think you handled it exactly right and I hope everything works out for you. peace.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 How do you know if you are affected by someone's drinking? Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon: 1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks? 2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking? 3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking? 4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you? 5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions? 6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker? 7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”? 8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath? 9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? 10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior? 11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking? 12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse? 13. Do you search for hidden alcohol? 14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking? 15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety? 16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking? 17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved? 18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker? 19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time? 20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
Author dustinthewind Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 I would never ask someone to give up friends for me...but what I would ask is to make me the priority and we both communicate when dates nights work for us and when they work for friends. We are both very busy with limited hours that we can spend together, so time is valuable and if we are a couple we should make each other feel like number 1..
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