About To Get Dumped Support

[Leigh 87]

I would say maybe he is taking some time away from you to figure out what he wants and if you give him the space and time he will come back to you, or at least give you the break up you deserve.

 

At the same time I think it's possible he intends to stay away for good and the part about "giving you a definitive break up no matter what" was just BS. If that happens I'm sorry because you definitely don't deserve that, but prepare yourself just in case. And it seems like you realize the second option is a definite reality and you've already prepared yourself somewhat for it, so that's good.

 

And I'm sorry my name's the same as your ex, haha. I hate seeing anyone with the same name, or even similar name to my ex gf's.

 

 

Oh haha, a guy called Andrew, my exes name, wanted/still wants to date me. He's great and would be great for me, however, I obviously need some time to be single.

 

I am prepared for the case of him not contacting me. I am expecting that but will be more surprised when/if he does.

 

I still care enough about him to have a heart attack if he texts or rings. He has "that" reaction over me of course. He still has my heart, but I am not upset or broken up over this.

[Leigh 87]

This is what I WANT to tell him but never will:

 

You begged me not to hurt or play you. I also made you promise to not just disappear, as it is the single worst thing a guy can do, which hurts me more than anything; it even hurts me more than cheating.

 

I am fine mostly, however, at times I miss you a lot and have a really awful feeling on the inside. You hurt me deeply.

 

You have a small dog who you love more than anything, and I thought that was indicative that you have empathy and you care whether or not I am hurt.

 

I am very saddened that you could not end things properly. If I did this to someone, I would be ashamed of myself; sadly, I am sure you just don't care. In the end, I am glad to be rid of you, as I would not want to have been with you in the end had I known you were like this.

 

From when we first started chatting, you were the one I got excited about hearing from even before we met. Your texts were what I looked forward to, making me discard other options.

 

The second we met, it felt like there was a mutual buzz we both felt; as if to confirm our connection over the phone. You made it very clear you felt it too and told me so.

 

You lied. You said " I want something special with you Leigh, and I think I can have that with you, based on the feelings I have early on for you"

 

You KNEW I had a guy pull the disappearing act on me before you, and you KNEW I was sceptical of men in general.

 

I told you my deepest fear was that you would disappear without breaking up with me properly.

 

I think it is truly sick of you to do this to me, especially since you promised you "weren't like that"

 

If you had broken up with me properly, I would have been fine with it.

 

Now I am left wondering if you acted the entire time. If you had said goodbye and good luck to me, and thanked me for our time spent together, at least I would have known you genuinely meant everything you said to me.

 

Now I have no idea if you did mean what you said, or if it was all an act to get sex.

 

OR, foreplay more like it, seeing as we never had sex until the last days we saw each other and you lasted less than ONE MINUTE......

 

So yeah, on the bright side, I am pleased I can now find a guy who lasts during sex! You did allude to preferring foreplay a lot more to sex.

 

You were also overweight and unhealthy where as I am trying to get motivated to have a clean living, so I guess I would prefer a like minded partner who motivated me to keep active and look after myself.

Although your physical shape did not bother me though, as I was drawn to you more than any other guy I have been with.

 

You acted so infatuated with me and you could not keep your hands off me, I loved how you could not let me go in public or around people, and I do need that from a partner. I hope I find it again one day.

 

Although you do not seem to care about me, I wish you the vert best and I hope you find a woman who you like enough to put the effort into, and who you would never hurt in this manner. It was not me, but I DO hope you find a woman you DO NOT do this to.......

 

I forgive you for hurting me so badly, for myself. You, on the other hand, probably don't give a damn what I think or how I feel.

 

Whatever.

[Leigh 87]

Generally, when there is an "instant" spark, everything else tends to move quickly too.

 

I think until you learn to slow down a bit, you're going to keep scaring these guys off.

 

And I don't think you really understand the mechanics of a slow burn, but maybe you'll learn from experience.

 

 

What are the mechanics of a slow burn?

 

After a first date, I need to feel excited about that person!

 

For example: I met a guy with a good job and who was good looking and I really liked his personality! However, I did not get an urge to kiss him or be close to him. In fact, after the 2nd date, he tried to kiss me and I went along with it but it felt wrong and I did not enjoy it or want to get closer to him again.

 

Are you saying I should have gotten to know him better? I COULD have actually grown to want to kiss him you know, but why? I meet plenty of guys who, on the first date, I DO want to kiss!

 

It was not that this dude was hot; I have had better looking men empirically speaking, who I did not want to get close to physically, EVEN if they were also great guys!

 

 

 

I need something instant; from there, I know I need to employ the mentality of a slow burn thing, right? Where things move slower in order to be sure about each other?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, is it at all possible that something really big happened and you just don't know it?

 

A relative might have died, and he might not feel comfortable sharing it with someone he doesn't know that well.

 

Seriously, you act so obsessive after 5 mins of dating someone, no wonder these boys run for the hills. If he had done the disappearing act, it's because you've already way too highly strung, and that behavior doesn't mellow, it only intensifies. Why not give him a week or so, before acting like it's all crumbling.

 

Sheesh - talk about freakin' drama. Extracting promises, the demands, the over analysis - you knew him for a month. Calm down. No wonder you're such a hot mess when dating.

 

 

 

You're reading me wrong.

 

I am an avid writer. I enjoy feeling and writing about my emotions.

 

I am not actually... feeling upset or.. bothered by it on a minute basis. I have pangs once or sometimes twice a day that last about 5 minutes each time.

 

Furthermore, I did not act obsessive. He texted me first mostly. I did not smother him.

 

I mirrored his actions.

 

 

I do see where you are coming from though, and I will employ the slow burn strategy but with a guy I actually WANT to kiss the first date and who I get excited about.

 

Me and this guy only saw each other once a week, so we did not move too fast in that regard, although he would tell me how soon he would want to see me soo much I would get sick of him.

 

 

 

Anyway, I am not jaded or bitter, as I think there are loads of nice guys out there, and I do not think MOST guys lie or cheat.

 

 

 

The letter I wrote helped me move on, as I love writing and I type very fast so please don't get the wrong impression. I CHOOSE to write in my spare time. About anything.

 

 

 

I just think it is one of these things, where I need to not fall so hard, but still find that spark again but go about things different next time.

[cif]

Are you sure his mother(was it his mom?) is out of the hospital?

[Leigh 87]

His mother got out of hospital a day or two after our last hospital incident where I told him I didn't like to be ignored ( due to him not texting for 4 hours).

 

He is 32, 7 years older than me, and his parents are ailing and he said he finds it hard to deal with.

 

He also has clinical depression on a chemical level, however; he is on medication for it and sees a physiatrist.

 

He has panic attacks occasionally when things are bad and has anxiety.

 

All in all, he seemed normal and happy enough.

 

 

Last time things went bad with us, the hospital incident, he retreated rather than rang me to work things out. He just got back to me later on a day or so later and he was not as lovey with me.

 

 

....It has been 3 days so... he has definitely done the disappearing act. I think it is disgusting of him, and in REALLY bad taste, since he did PROMISE me he would " never do that".

 

I value people of integrity. We were bf and gf, he asked to be, and he asked for a relationship; as in, he told his father and friends that he did, indeed, have a girlfriend and he wanted me to meet his parents soon.

 

In light of what we did have, the right thing to do would have been to break up with me via phone, since I had given him my body and some of my heart at that stage (I had real feelings for him).

 

I know we hardly HAD a relationship since it was so new, however, decent people in my eyes, people who have a high degree of empathy towards other peoples feelings, they keep to their word.

 

He never even broke up with me! I mean, for 2 days I was thinking " well, I am not single, I have a bf) lol!

 

I really think people who disappear, especially after they promise you to your face that they WOULD NEVER do that since they KNOW it is your worst fear, have low empathy.

 

I just can't see a kind and caring person disappearing on a girl when he knows the girl is very fearful of that being done to her.

 

I don't buy the whole " well you barely knew each other". Right. Well, real feelings were involved and I got naked for him and told him a personal thing about me or two, therefore I feel he should have respected me enough to dump me properly.

 

If you are merely dating even and you are NOT bf or gf the way we were, and things are light and fun still, it is STILL in order to at least TEXT them that " I am just not feeling it" or " I have met a girl I want to take things further with but it was lovely getting to know you"

 

People have NO manners these days, it is really baffling, since I was brought up to be kind to others and to not KNOWINGLY hurt people.

 

And yes he did know it would hurt me very much if he disappeared. I told him it was my worst fear.

 

Rant over.

 

 

 

Do guys like him ever pop up in your lives months later? I don't respect him for disappearing on me, but I would still be polite to him since it is who I am to treat people well.

[loversquarrel]

It wasn't just your insecurities that scared this guy away, you latched on much to quickly. He has without a doubt disappeared and has probably done so to avoid a possible psycho-reaction from you.

[petall]

He didn't text you for 4 hours and you flipped? That is Glenn Close needy.

 

I think you know yourself you were to blame for this "relationship" ending. The guy is not exactly the full metal jacket himself, what with his depression and anxiety. He very obviously felt he could not deal with you.

 

Adapt and learn or you will find the next guy running away too.

[Leigh 87]

Uhh I wasn't a stage 5 clinger...

 

HE initiated most texts with ME. I didn't want to see him or talk to him more than he did to me.

 

I let HIM lead with his supposed feelings and actions.

 

He is the one who wanted a relationship so soon. He is the one who told ME he had never felt this way so fast with other girls.

 

I wasn't any more into it than he was.

 

But yes, when I wws waiting for his call to sort things out, I did over text him explaining things; because he did ask me what was going on and why I thought he didn't like me.

 

That's why he left. Not because I was a clinger during our time together.

 

I'm old enough to know to have a balanced relationship, where the guy initiates and then I mirror his interest ( which, of course, is genuine from my part)

[Leigh 87]

I concur. I normally break up in a "nice" way but not when you have a Stage 5 Clinger on your hands.

 

No doubt this is the reason the guy pulled a Houdini.

 

 

Well you're not a particularly nice person if u would dissappear without saying sorry, I don't want to continue.

 

I was fine as his gf and did nothing to make him think I was " crazy" or a stage 5 clinger.

 

The hospital thing made me out to be too needy, which I know I was. I knocked it off after that as I can see when I go very wrong.

 

Besides that, I was cool and did nothing else off untik the very end. I have left him alone.

 

He knew I wouldn't to psycho at him for leaving; I told him I would respect his decision snd I wouldn't bother him about it , but to please have the decency to text.

 

Sorry, he is a lying jerk for disappearing, as he literally promised not to. He made ME also promise him that I wouldn't hurt him like that either.

[Leigh 87]

I didn't drive him away by being too intense; I am not stupid, I mirror a guys interest and I do not act super interested when a guy is only lukewarm about me.

 

This guy genuinely moved fast, I did nothing but match his level of interest in my texting and how I acted.

 

He was the one who told me he deleted his profile right away on day one. He was the one who told me he had not felt this instant thing with any other women, but he rather grew to love them opposed to falling hard for them like he did me.

 

In the end, I ruined it, by thinking he didn't like me for no reason; it is no attractive to be that insecure, not to mention annoying.

 

I don't act intense in a way that drives guys away. Not until the very end, when I over texted him on the last day, which I ONLY did because he ASKED ME to explain myself. Only I did it via text rather than waiting for him to call me. Which I am sure he would have had I waited. My mistake.

 

I believe intense means: acting more interested than the guy is when he is not giving you clear signs he is into you during the relationship...

 

Intense to me, is when a girl initiates talks about future plans, initiates most of the texting and then texts incessantly every time they have a conversation with their bf.

 

I did make a mistake with him; by AGREEING to go fast with him, which, by the way, was mutual and not just me being *intense* since he initiated the love talk and falling in love talk. Not me.

 

I see where I went wrong; during arguments and misunderstandings lay off the texting. Wait for them to call, or they will think you are crazy for texting too much. It is not like I texted too much before that last night.

[polger]

I think you need to be alone for a while, you are very cut up over somebody you have not known very long/ In my experience the relationships where I instantly felt something, the relationship did not last very long. Once the excitement goes you begin to see the person in a different light, you have built up this new person to be perfect and of course nobody is perfect. These relationships very rarely make it past the honeymoon phase. It is not love, it is infatuation. You should be excited by the person you are dating, but you should always play it slow. Too much too soon will drive the other person away.

 

You should work on yourself before you get into another relationship. You need to be able to be alone before you can be with someone else.

[Leigh 87]

A month … AND SEEN EACH OTHER FOUR TIMES. Right?

 

Please, please, please, Leigh. Try to get more on the wavelengths of others around you. NO mature, stable man is going to be able to deal with your extreme emotional neediness and inappropriate intensity.

 

You know how the person suggested a "slow burn" and you said "no thanks"? Well, consider this: Getting to know someone, letting them know you, seeing how they deal with life, letting them see how you do, meeting their friends and family and vice versa, sharing interests, taking time to see if attraction has anything else behind it -

 

TAKES TIME.

 

And that would not even be a "slow burn," that would be a normal way to fall in love.

 

I mean - how could even a tiny percent of that stuff even happen in one month with a relationship based on texting and 4 dates?

 

And also, during this "getting to know" time is when people learn of character traits in the person they're dating that are NOT what they want in a relationship partner. You don't seem to allow for this at all with the "he's so into me that he should forgive my smothering and insecurity."

 

If a guy is not into smothering and insecurity - then he is not going to stick around long if you behave that way. Sorry, but it's the truth,

 

If you think you have a tremendous incredible never before conceived of bond with a guy you've dated a handful of times over 3 or 4 weeks - you don't know what such a bond really is.

 

I know it still hurts to be rejected. But you've GOT to quit doing this.

 

Just date and NEVER get all maniacally emo over ANY guy again until you at least really have taken some time to know him.

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with everything you're saying. You're not telling me anything new, but thanks for reiterating that I need to have a slower burn and actually get to know a person before jumping all in.

 

What I MEANT by " no thanks" to a slow burn, is; I MUST feel a spark or chemistry initially!

 

I WILL NOT have a slow burn if it means going out for more dates with that guy I mentioned previously, where after two dates I still had NO urge to kiss or be close to him, though I know I could have in time wanted to.

 

I need to feel something instant chemistry wise, that makes me WANT to kiss them by date one.

I WANT to have that special feeling about a guy that I cannot quiet put my finger on.

I do not want to meet a guy who I really like and find attractive, and give him a chance if I am NOT all excited about him in that way!

To me, that is growing to love, not something that contains the ingredients to fall IN love.

 

 

I WANT a slow burn you speak of; my last two guys and I, we jumped in too fast; THEY are equally guilty of it:lmao: mr I want to see you every day and cannot stop kissing and talking about how amazing you are, and latest guy who kept proclaiming about how he never had this instant infatuation with ANY other women and wanted a relationship with me WITHOUT sex until I trusted him.

 

I have no doubt both guys very much did like me, and in the end, these guys would have probably not lasted anyway, HOWEVER; the main reason they didn't progress LONGER was because I DID NOT employ the slow burn.

 

I recognise that I should have a combination of lust and chemistry and desire, and that excitement and butterflies when they text, but combine those feelings I NEED with a slow burn style.

 

I totally AGREE that I must go slower, as going fast has not worked, and never does according to people who know what they are talking about!

 

I MUST have that instant spark where I am EXITED to get their texts and calls above all others...

Good looking and great personality does not cut it for me; I need a spark and chemistry and a desire to kiss them on the first date.

 

I go for guys who are less good looking with lesser personalities but who are nice guys at least and who I just "feel it" with and who seem like decent people at least.

[Leigh 87]

And what about trying to establish a good way to break up with someone? Is that something we can agree shouldn't be happening in the beginning? Or for that matter, at all?

 

Look, I get it. We've all been hurt. But if in the very infant stages of a relationship, you are discussing your respective relationship graveyards, and ticking off all the ways that it's hurtful to break up with someone, STOP! That's not bonding with a significant other. Your relationship past has no place in your relationship future.

 

Just let them break up with you (if that's what they're going to do), however they want. Because as you can see, establishing that the disappearing act is hurtful didn't exactly save you from it, did it?

 

If a guy is acting like a bull at a gate 5 mins in, table that as a red flag, not a sign of it being 'meant to be'.

 

 

 

 

Yeah it was a little off colour to talk about hurting one another or not and about what we wanted out of each other.

 

I won't do it again and I will see it as a red flag when THEY initiate conversation about those things.

 

HE is the one who initiated the " please, I beg you, don't hurt me because I am falling for you hard" talk.

 

" if you want to cheat on me please break up first"

 

ALLL him.

 

Therefore, I said " sure, I don't set out to hurt people, but can you please promise me one thing also? Break up with me properly and never disappear".

 

 

 

 

He is the one who told ME that " I want something special with you, as I feel something for you early on that I lacked with my exes"

 

He was a very normal acting, well balanced guy who did not show any signs of acting strange or mentally unstable. Hence he could not tolerate ME when I went off the handle...

 

I actually think he has done the NC thing disappearing act cos he knew I was bad for him and it would have been harder to talk to me or break it off since he was infatuated (I am not the best looker but to HIM I was, believe me....)

I don't think he was necessarily an @ss at all for disappearing, I genuinely think he liked me very much and it was just easier to do it that way BECAUSE of the fact he quiet liked me.

 

I definitely do not have a gut feeling that he was indifferent to the whole thing at all; I have a feeling he would have been like " man... 2 years single, I find this amazing girl I am really feeling, and then she goes stupid like this? Eff this"

 

I don't really think most guys are a holes. He didn't have sex with me actually. I don't think he was a using jerk or anything.

 

No. I think be behaviour 5% of the time was enough to drive him away, I really do:lmao:

 

HIS behaviour was almost as bad 5% of the time too; he was insecure and also had bouts where he would say " I don't think your feeling us anymore"

[Leigh 87]

I think you need to be alone for a while, you are very cut up over somebody you have not known very long/ In my experience the relationships where I instantly felt something, the relationship did not last very long. Once the excitement goes you begin to see the person in a different light, you have built up this new person to be perfect and of course nobody is perfect. These relationships very rarely make it past the honeymoon phase. It is not love, it is infatuation. You should be excited by the person you are dating, but you should always play it slow. Too much too soon will drive the other person away.

 

You should work on yourself before you get into another relationship. You need to be able to be alone before you can be with someone else.

 

 

 

My best friend and her long term bf fell INSTANTLY; they met at a GAY CLUB, of all places:lmao: They had that instant infatuation, lust, intense chemistry, and he made her literally buzz every time he touched her.....

 

They fell head over heals fast and stayed together.

 

That is what I want and I won't settle for a guy who is lukewarm about me initially and does not think I stick out from other girls, for any reason and not due to looks. Just something about ME irrelevant to looks.

I need a guy to feel that there is " just something about me". That makes them more excited to get texts from ME opposed to any other girl.

 

I felt that electric vibe with this guy, where our bodies just reacted a lot and I felt a lot FAST, as he also stressed he did too.

I have probably felt that instant chemistry with ONE other guy? Though I do not go out much and socialise with random guys:lmao:

I am happy to employ the slow burn, but I do want someone where we both have an instant thing for one another the way my best friend and her partner did.

 

It is not that rare to have good chemistry and be compatible. Especially since I am open to any decent kind guy that I have this chemistry with, I don't care if they are fit or overweight or whatever.

 

I want a guy to meet me and grow to love me for ME, however; I will always believe that true love happens fairly fast.

Being IN love is a seed that is either planted or not between two people.

I tend to think people know early on if they are in love, opposed to taking 6 months or so to figure it out.

That is not to say that you know within 6 months if you're compatible for marriage; hell no!

Just he feeling of falling in love, in my opinion, happens fast if it is to ever happen.

 

I will halt the process to some extent and not have talks about breaking up and promises early on, sure! That was crazy of the BOTH of us; HIM for initiating it and ME for going along with it:sick:

 

I am after the sort of love where it happens early on though and you tend to know within a year if you want to marry.

I have a lot of friends who had that type of love where it just came on so strong that they just knew early on about proposing and marriage.

 

I know what I want and I do not think it is unreasonable. I have varied taste in men, I am not shallow with looks, I am just asking for a nice and decent guy, chemistry, sexually compatible and compatible in key areas, and also a love where he KNOWS within a year he wants to spend his life with me.

Don't care for his occupation or how much money he earns. I also want my 1 - 2 year wedding proposal, as I do not believe in long engagements at my age, when true love is involved.

 

I do have a lot of friends and people in my life around me who I observe. I know the relationships I want to emulate. The closest and most in love couples, by their own admission and clear actions, are the ones who knew early on that their love was so strong they had to get married soon!

[Leigh 87]

By the way, I have decided to be single for a good few months.

 

I turned down the nice guy who is everything I want, I KNEW him too and KNOW he would be as good a boyfriend as they come.....and it was not hard to decline, as getting into a relationship felt icky to me.

 

...I have a lot of love in my life, I feel comfortable and very satisfied just coming home to my own bed at night. I feel content and loved for who I am by enough people. An added relationship; the idea feels uncomfortable and ill fated...

 

This is the first time it has really hit me that I need to be alone for sometime.

I felt if I found the right guy I would be okay....I dated around, was very selective about who I wanted to start an actual relationship with (maybe 2 out of 30 men), and even with a guy who was seemingly very much into me, I effed it up....

 

That's right. I would eff it up with even the RIGHT guy as it stands. I have not been alone for long enough since last May of this year... since my break up.

I actually think I could have worked with this guy if I was in a different head space. He was inconsiderate, but it really was me who made the relationship fizzle as quick as it started.

 

For now I have a wonderful FWB I have hit up who also treats me wonderfully and likes me a lot. He knows I do not want a relationship and he doesn't either and is also over women and their ' head games" supposedly:lmao:

FWB is something I am very good at haha! I am good at picking very kind and loving lovers who love me for who I am.

 

It is like I am really adept at having casual fun albeit with meaningful people, but when it comes to relationships, I suck....

 

Oh well I am off overseas again for a few weeks soon, life has changed so much.. last time I flew over I was with my ex thinking of him. Now I will not only be over him but... Having been with new guys since and gotten hurt by them...

 

Things have changed significantly for me in the last few years.

 

One thing remains a constant: I was never ready to be in a serious relationship, yet it is actually what I needed when I met Andrew, my long term ex. I wasn't ready, but the relationship really helped each other grow as people.

Hopefully next time around I will be ready.

 

and I AM OVER the stage where I do the very obvious things wrong, such as latch onto disinterest, tolerate bad treatment during the dating process, I don't pick unavailable men, I don't over text....

At least I am at the stage where I pick dudes who seem genuinely into me, show no signs of disinterest and who treat me very well.

 

My downfall: to ensure that they STAY into me through getting to know one another, to ensure they are genuine to begin with ( most guys are good if they seem good, most guys are not lying jerks), and see if things are compatible long term.

[clia]

You seem to understand what went wrong here, so I won’t belabor that point. I happen to agree with you that it shouldn’t take six months for a guy to decide he’s in love with you. That said, the problem (as I see it, based on your posts) is that you seem to have this list of expectations as to how a man who will fall in love with you from Day One needs to act. For example, you seem to expect a “Good morning” text every day. If you don’t get that text every day, you freak out. In fact, you seem to expect a lot of texts and attention at the very early stages of the relationship. You seem to get your validation as a person via those text messages and communication from a guy you barely know. Get to the root of that. When you don’t get that validation or if the guy misses a day, you panic and freak out. You’ve done this with the past two guys, both of whom you claimed to have such amazing, instant chemistry with. (I’m beginning to doubt that for you, you are more likely to meet a serial killer, given the frequency with which you are meeting men who you have such amazing chemistry with.)

 

It’s difficult from your posts to know how these guys really felt about you, and whether they were big blowtorchers, or what happened. But, when all was said and done, they bolted. You know why they bolted – because you overreacted and showed too much neediness, clinginess, and insecurity. You can’t get away with that kind of behavior when you barely know a guy. You need to be on your best behavior in the early stages of a relationship. You can say how wonderful, nice, friendly, and amazing you are as much as you want, but time is the only thing that will make a man believe that about you. Once a man believes that about you – through knowing you – you can get away with a freak out in your behavior every now and then because he knows it’s an aberration – it’s not really how you tend to operate. But after a month? Nope, as you found most guys will run for the hills. Seeing that kind of thing after a month is scary.

 

Leigh, the reality is that some guys who are crazy about you will send you a “Good morning” text every day and touch base with you every day. Some guys who are crazy about you won’t, and it doesn’t mean that their feelings toward you are any less. They may be showing restraint (which is smart to do early on in a relationship); they may be busy with work one day; or maybe they got caught up doing something and lost track of time. Stuff happens. Life happens. This is especially true as you date men who are into their late 20s and early 30s, establishing their careers. They are busy. They don’t have time to be texting nonstop all day long and trying to provide validation to their girlfriend all day long. They will show you they are crazy about you in other ways, by buying you presents or flowers, hugging you, taking you out to dinner, changing your lightbulbs, washing your car, and cutting your lawn. That you rely so much on the frequency of text communications versus what the guy is actually saying to you or what else he is doing makes me believe that you are losing out on good guys because your standards just are not realistic for most people. Most normal, good guys that I've encountered will be contacting you maybe every other day for the first month of the relationship, as you are getting to know each other. This is fine. It's okay to miss a day when you've only known someone a month.

 

You keep bringing up your friend. You are not her. I don’t think anyone here is suggesting that you go on a date with a guy who you aren’t attracted to. The point is that you don’t necessarily have to have an instant electric attraction to be with a good guy who will be crazy about you. That kind of feeling can develop -- but not with a guy you find repulsive. No one is saying you should go out with men you find repulsive.

 

I really think you need to establish some texting ground rules for yourself for the next guy, because the texting appears to be the root of your problems. Like, for example:

 

• Do not send more than one text in a row. If it shows up as more than one bubble on your phone, it is more than one text.
  
• Do not send a text that is more than one normal length sentence long.
  
• Do not text about anything serious. Only text about short, fun stuff.
  
• Potentially even limit the number of texts you send each day.
  

 

In fact, you should also establish that texting (and for that matter, e-mailing) is not your main form of communication with a guy. Talk to him on the phone or in person instead. This will help you to avoid some of the situations you have found yourself in recently. You should never, ever be trying to explain yourself over text. Never ever. It’s a terrible way to go about it. Good luck to you.

[Leigh 87]

You seem to understand what went wrong here, so I won’t belabor that point. I happen to agree with you that it shouldn’t take six months for a guy to decide he’s in love with you. That said, the problem (as I see it, based on your posts) is that you seem to have this list of expectations as to how a man who will fall in love with you from Day One needs to act. For example, you seem to expect a “Good morning” text every day. If you don’t get that text every day, you freak out. In fact, you seem to expect a lot of texts and attention at the very early stages of the relationship. You seem to get your validation as a person via those text messages and communication from a guy you barely know. Get to the root of that. When you don’t get that validation or if the guy misses a day, you panic and freak out. You’ve done this with the past two guys, both of whom you claimed to have such amazing, instant chemistry with. (I’m beginning to doubt that for you, you are more likely to meet a serial killer, given the frequency with which you are meeting men who you have such amazing chemistry with.)

 

It’s difficult from your posts to know how these guys really felt about you, and whether they were big blowtorchers, or what happened. But, when all was said and done, they bolted. You know why they bolted – because you overreacted and showed too much neediness, clinginess, and insecurity. You can’t get away with that kind of behavior when you barely know a guy. You need to be on your best behavior in the early stages of a relationship. You can say how wonderful, nice, friendly, and amazing you are as much as you want, but time is the only thing that will make a man believe that about you. Once a man believes that about you – through knowing you – you can get away with a freak out in your behavior every now and then because he knows it’s an aberration – it’s not really how you tend to operate. But after a month? Nope, as you found most guys will run for the hills. Seeing that kind of thing after a month is scary.

 

Leigh, the reality is that some guys who are crazy about you will send you a “Good morning” text every day and touch base with you every day. Some guys who are crazy about you won’t, and it doesn’t mean that their feelings toward you are any less. They may be showing restraint (which is smart to do early on in a relationship); they may be busy with work one day; or maybe they got caught up doing something and lost track of time. Stuff happens. Life happens. This is especially true as you date men who are into their late 20s and early 30s, establishing their careers. They are busy. They don’t have time to be texting nonstop all day long and trying to provide validation to their girlfriend all day long. They will show you they are crazy about you in other ways, by buying you presents or flowers, hugging you, taking you out to dinner, changing your lightbulbs, washing your car, and cutting your lawn. That you rely so much on the frequency of text communications versus what the guy is actually saying to you or what else he is doing makes me believe that you are losing out on good guys because your standards just are not realistic for most people. Most normal, good guys that I've encountered will be contacting you maybe every other day for the first month of the relationship, as you are getting to know each other. This is fine. It's okay to miss a day when you've only known someone a month.

 

You keep bringing up your friend. You are not her. I don’t think anyone here is suggesting that you go on a date with a guy who you aren’t attracted to. The point is that you don’t necessarily have to have an instant electric attraction to be with a good guy who will be crazy about you. That kind of feeling can develop -- but not with a guy you find repulsive. No one is saying you should go out with men you find repulsive.

 

I really think you need to establish some texting ground rules for yourself for the next guy, because the texting appears to be the root of your problems. Like, for example:

 

• Do not send more than one text in a row. If it shows up as more than one bubble on your phone, it is more than one text.
  
• Do not send a text that is more than one normal length sentence long.
  
• Do not text about anything serious. Only text about short, fun stuff.
  
• Potentially even limit the number of texts you send each day.
  

 

In fact, you should also establish that texting (and for that matter, e-mailing) is not your main form of communication with a guy. Talk to him on the phone or in person instead. This will help you to avoid some of the situations you have found yourself in recently. You should never, ever be trying to explain yourself over text. Never ever. It’s a terrible way to go about it. Good luck to you.

 

 

 

 

Wow.

 

Best post so far on this thread.

 

Thanks so much for your help.

 

I am going to copy and past this advice onto a word document lol so I can refer back to it.

 

You're right about everything.

 

I did really love how last guy would send me a random text saying " thinking about u beautiful" during his busy hours:(. I miss him and I am very sure what we had was genuine, and I simply effed it up.