loversquarrel Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Happydate put it the best. A man wants a partner, a strong secure woman. He doesn't want to be a babysitter and feel like he has to literally take care of your emotional needs all the time. It's exhausting. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I have definitely done everything I can now.. .... Yesterday I texted that I didn't want to break up, that I missed him and that I wanted to work things out and I felt that I could change my insecure ways with the texting issues. I even texted a friendly good morning to show initiative, since he always told me he liked me showing initiative; he liked to hear how I felt about him as it made him more secure within the relationship. Even after the hospital incident with his mother and me stupidly flipping out about him not texting me for 4 hrs, two days later he came to ME, and then asked if I was still interested in HIM, after everything.... It is very much up to him now:( He really did not strike me as the type to "fade", aka, IGNORE me as a means of ending things. He told me several times he would never do that to anyone. Oh well. Sht happens. Off to see a cool German girl I met on the plane back from Europe, she is cute and will make me smile. It is a shame I do not have the train ride to think about him and our plans for tomorrow, but you know, I will think about other happy thoughts, such as my travelling experiences and other fun thoughts to think.... He will be on my mind for a while, but I will not... shed too many tears, since I did not know him for long. I am not ashamed to admit he will stay on my mind for a fair while though, just based on that initial thing we had that I seldom ever have. Beyond mutual chemistry I got from last dude. I am now single I guess and free of worry as to whether a guy.. is into me, will stay into me, and if things will work out, or if he is actually a big liar sociopath.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Insecure and high anxiety are a bad mix. I, as a man, have a strong urge to avoid women who are the insecure anxious type. I used to date a woman who had very similar characteristics as you, to the point where I actually had a chill up my spine when you mentioned texting patterns. She would get extremely upset if I didn't answer a text or call right away. It got to a point where I felt like I was being watched rather than in a relationship. She did some other crazy chit as well, but it was this crap that ultimately lost me, it burns you out after awhile, let alone in a new relationship. It hurt like hell to end the relationship as I had really fallen for her, but in the end I knew she just wasn't healthy for me. I was in love with her and yes she ruined it because she couldn't control herself. I totally understand. I think I am changing for the better though, as I can recognise behaviour I exhibit that is not cool within a healthy relationship, and I tend to know right away when I act that way. I also have the capacity to be normal most of the time, due to therapy and being self aware enough to know each and every time I wrongly fear the worst for no reason. I do not text him a million times a day or... do anything aloof or off colour that would put him off, for THE MOST PART. It was these last few indiscretions that got me, rather than the way I act as a whole. I really do have the ability to act confident and secure most of the time. I have not read all your post as I am in a rush but I will be back to read everything soon. Thanks so much for sharing, it helps a lot...
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I Just take a moment to read what you posted about the last guy. I'm sure that now, looking back, it's easy to say that it wasn't a big deal like this one is. But it was. You should re-read that whole thread. And as recently as 3 weeks ago, you were posting on your "more likely a serial killer than the right guy" thread. I think the chances are pretty good that this guy will turn out to be not important in the big picture. P.S. The stuff I quoted that you posted - People really don't talk this way with each other. If YOU are having conversations that go like this with one guy after another, then certainly you are leading the conversations in a direction where they'd never, never naturally go. I'm thinking along the lines of, "I've never, never liked anyone on first meeting as much as l like you! How about you?" You might not want to take too much stock in this kind of thing. Anyway, sorry you are feeling bad about this right now, but I am confident you'll like a different guy very soon. I hope you can leave all this hyperbole out of the chance to get to know each other, when it happens. I see what you mean, it is not normal. I think I allude to feeling a given way, if I think things are "different" or "special", in order to see if it is mutual. I know not to mention it again and rather go on FEELINGS and ACTIONS the guy shows me. With this guy, I was vert confident we were both feeling it, based on his actions. I know now to mention how I feel to a guy again in this context. With him, I simply acted loving and told him I " really liked him and felt something special for him" At which point he WANTED to talk about our feelings, and he would agree, and say he had not "felt it" like this with previous girls, and he thought he could have something special with me, based on how he felt for me this early on. He would then ask me " are you falling in love with me" He seemed to like to hear it, rather than be brave enough to say it FIRST. He would ask me how I felt, to gauge whether I felt the same as he did, before confessing how he felt. Though he has told me straight up a few times without ME asking him, of course! Asking me was his preferred method. He is otherwise a very level headed, secure acting guy, besides his obvious insecurities. We did not sit around talking about our feelings daily, and I know not to at all now initially at least, and rather, let things just.. be. I honestly will not bother in falling for another guy, I am not going to go online dating for a good while as I still have it badly for this current guy. I had the kind of thing for him that takes a good while to shake and be ready for a new guy:(
loversquarrel Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I have definitely done everything I can now.. .... Yesterday I texted that I didn't want to break up, that I missed him and that I wanted to work things out and I felt that I could change my insecure ways with the texting issues. I even texted a friendly good morning to show initiative, since he always told me he liked me showing initiative; he liked to hear how I felt about him as it made him more secure within the relationship. Even after the hospital incident with his mother and me stupidly flipping out about him not texting me for 4 hrs, two days later he came to ME, and then asked if I was still interested in HIM, after everything.... It is very much up to him now:( He really did not strike me as the type to "fade", aka, IGNORE me as a means of ending things. He told me several times he would never do that to anyone. Oh well. Sht happens. Off to see a cool German girl I met on the plane back from Europe, she is cute and will make me smile. It is a shame I do not have the train ride to think about him and our plans for tomorrow, but you know, I will think about other happy thoughts, such as my travelling experiences and other fun thoughts to think.... He will be on my mind for a while, but I will not... shed too many tears, since I did not know him for long. I am not ashamed to admit he will stay on my mind for a fair while though, just based on that initial thing we had that I seldom ever have. Beyond mutual chemistry I got from last dude. I am now single I guess and free of worry as to whether a guy.. is into me, will stay into me, and if things will work out, or if he is actually a big liar sociopath. This is just eerie considering your previous posts over the past DAY. Detaches as quickly as attaches. This is why guys run for the hills. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 The thing is, he never actually broke up with me. It's just been a day or so since he has contacted me. He needed space the first time I screwed up. He came around. He even asked if I was still interested in him. I am actually fine as a girlfriend. I encourage guys to love their lives independently of me. I don't blow up their phones. I am loving and caring yet never smother them. The one thing I do wrong? I tend to think they don't like me for no reason. This guy showed me every sign h3 was crazy about me. He did nothing to demonstrate that he was anh other than very much falling for me. Anyway. I texted him yesterday that: I know what I did wrong. I'm new to dating. I know that he did absolutely nothing to show me that he didn't like me anymore. I told him I don't have any other bad habits besides doubting people occasionally. He wantee me to explain myself yesterday. In the text I also said I would now give him space and wait until he's ready to come to me to talk. He has promised that he would have the decency to break up with me. He swore he'd never just cut contact and be done with me in that manner. I haven't done anything off besides this doubting him for no reason business. I have had time to think. I can't. Believe how ridiculous my actions were..
Janesays Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 (edited) 2) You really NEED to abandon your whole line of thinking that goes like: neither one of us has ever felt this way with any of our other partners. or: He thinks that all other girls are lackluster compared to me. First, it's not your place to speak for what another person feels or thinks. I even feel wary of doing so with regards to my own husband, and I've shared daily life with him for years. This really is key here, Leigh, but I don't want you too feel bad for doing it because you are not the only woman on this forum who does this on a regular basis. I see posters all the time who have gone out on 1-3 dates with a guy who go on and on and on waxing poetic about how this guys feels this and thinks that and he has never before experienced whatever.... ....only for them to post a couple of weeks later that he dumped her and told her he wasn't 'feeling it.' Women here need to quit doing this because all you guys are doing is making a grade-A arse of yourselves. As Mme just pointed out, I don't even feel qualified to speak with authority about how my fiance thinks and feels and we are engaged and expecting our first child. Heck, I am not qualified to tell you how my EX husband felt about anything and I lived with that man for a solid decade. Women need to understand that just because YOU feel a certain way and YOU think a certain way and YOU have never felt so close so, so connected, so special with anyone else ever in your whole life.....IT DOES NOT MEAN HE FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. And here's what you REALLY need to understand....that is still a fact EVEN IF HE SAYS HE FEELS THAT WAY. Guys will lie and pretend they feel more than they actually do for all sorts of reasons....they want to get laid, they don't want to hurt your feelings, they get caught up in your energy and excitement....whatever. DON'T TAKE OFFHAND STATEMENTS MADE IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT AS FACT AND THEN QUIT GUARDING YOUR HEART BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE CONVINCED YOU MET 'THE ONE!' It's stupid, foolish, and immature. Quit doing it, ladies. You're embarrassing yourselves. Instead, pay attention to his ACTIONS. And not just actions over a week or two. ANYONE can act 'in love' for a week or two. ACTIONS OVER TIME are what matters. No one can sustain fake or fleeting emotions over 6, 7, 8, months or years. So what I'm trying to get at is quit getting carried away and thinking a guy must be falling in love with you until you notice, OVER A PERIOD OF AT LEAST A FEW MONTHS (6 or more), he consistently and specifically ACTS like he is. Again, you're not the only one on this forum who does this Leigh, so don't feel too bad about it. I just hope you're the first one who actually stops. You'll be much better off. Edited October 5, 2013 by Janesays 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Jane, I totally get you. I know I am that way, but I do not act all overzealous and give him way more.... than he gave me. He honestly ACTED like he was crazy about me also! I at least make sure the guys shows through his ACTIONS that yes, he does seem very much into me and to be falling hard for me. I know guys lie all the time, however, I am a pretty positive person, and I choose to believe most guys who seem good, ARE; and are not liars cheats or just in it for sex, yet fake falling in love with you for it.. While I am optimistic about most guys being genuine, providing you look for guys who show they are decent to begin with and know the signs of a decent man... You're right to bring up that it takes months to KNOW for sure. Certainly, you can feel the " it" factor right away, and the guy can ACT like he does every day. INTITIALLY. I know I if this guy contacts me again, and he wants to see me again, that it WILL indeed, take MONTHS, for me to feel totally into the relationship with trust and respect.... Trust is earned, I should probably not get as invested early on. I will try to do precisely what you have warned me of. You're right, I do get too carried away with the initial spark.. if it is there and the guys seem very much to be feeling it TOO, I still need to refrain from pouring my feelings into them, UNTIL they prove themselves to me. Actually, I do not think there is anything wrong in allowing yourself to feel strongly for them, however; it is another story to get INVESTED early on. I have not invested too much in this guy, rather, I felt we had something special. That is all really. I never looked ahead to the future and what we would be doing in this summer coming up.... I NEVER envisioned "us". I felt a lot for him and hoped it work out, but yeah... I did not invest too much, but I did get carried away with the initial spark, and I did should not have discussed our feelings in the manner in which we did... I will just let their actions speak over months, before assuming everything is what it seems. Ironically, most guys are probably decent people, so long as your people picker is in good condition, and therefore everything is probably as it seems, and I always SENSE when a guy is not "feeling it" anymore. I always have sensed it. I am not sure he will contact me again:( He said he would ring, he has done this once before where he needed a day or two of space before getting back to me. If he ends up .. contacting me, and better yet, NOT breaking up with me, I will be so.... on a high, that I will.... probably tell him we need to slow down and I will then take your advice 110% Make it 120%. If I get he chance with him; I will be alright if I don't. I sincerely hope he bloody breaks up with me decently rather than fading out which he vowed never to do to me....
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I will be the first one here to stop. Frankly, I am too interested in my own well being to WANT to fck myself over again. I totally do not mind waiting longer before confirming my feelings to be true, and to chill out more and take things slower. What I have been doing has not worked for me. I will still indulge in being lovey and happy with said guy...however, I will not talk about love, how I am feeling, or asking/ engaging in discussions as to how THEY feel. This current guy ASKED me a few times if I was falling in love with him and if I felt as though I COULD fall in love with him. He asked me that. I told him to stop his indirect games with me, and to stop being insecure since I showed him daily with my actions that I did, indeed, quiet fancy him. He then stopped the games and just flat out told me and showed me how much he seemingly " liked" me. He did not ask me again once! Chaucer is right, it is not normal to talk about feelings in that manner. He seemed to get off on wanting ME to confirm how I felt for him? He admitted he was very afraid of me hurting him, as he is 7 ish years older than me and felt .. yeah.
Janesays Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I think it is totally OK to get excited about a man and talk about how you feel about him! Just make sure you are saying things like: "I feel like..." "I want..." "I think..." "I have never felt before now..." DO NOT SAY things like: "We feel..." "We want..." "Before now, we have never..." And DEFINITLY DO NOT cross the line into: "He thinks, he feels, he wants...." Do you see the difference? When you take responsibility for strictly how YOU feel (without foisting your feelings onto some poor guy), you leave room for you to process your feelings and expectations in a healthy manner. You can say, "Hey I am feeling like I am falling for this guy. I feel a strong connection with him that I have not felt for another. I am excited, but I am going to wait and see how he feels before I quit guarding my heart." Notice how all these 'I statements' leave you room to express yourself and ALSO keep you safe? However, if you start saying nonsense like, "WE are falling for each other and WE are so connected and WE blah, blah, blah...." You set yourself up to be disappointed when you realize YOUR feelings are not necessarily the reality for both of you. When you quit setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed by creating all these unrealistic expectations and fantasies, falling in love becomes a lot more fun and....REAL. If that makes sense.
Maxtor Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 I love when a girl texts me or tells me that she wants good morning messages, or something like that, or that she misses. To me, it makes all the more important to talk to her, because i know she needs me, and when im in love, i want her to know that ill be there for her. Unfortunately, girls dont work this way, and us guys have to play, so that she doesnt lose interest. Its sad.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 Don't get me wrong, I think it is totally OK to get excited about a man and talk about how you feel about him! Just make sure you are saying things like: "I feel like..." "I want..." "I think..." "I have never felt before now..." DO NOT SAY things like: "We feel..." "We want..." "Before now, we have never..." And DEFINITLY DO NOT cross the line into: "He thinks, he feels, he wants...." Do you see the difference? When you take responsibility for strictly how YOU feel (without foisting your feelings onto some poor guy), you leave room for you to process your feelings and expectations in a healthy manner. You can say, "Hey I am feeling like I am falling for this guy. I feel a strong connection with him that I have not felt for another. I am excited, but I am going to wait and see how he feels before I quit guarding my heart." Notice how all these 'I statements' leave you room to express yourself and ALSO keep you safe? However, if you start saying nonsense like, "WE are falling for each other and WE are so connected and WE blah, blah, blah...." You set yourself up to be disappointed when you realize YOUR feelings are not necessarily the reality for both of you. When you quit setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed by creating all these unrealistic expectations and fantasies, falling in love becomes a lot more fun and....REAL. If that makes sense. Yep, I got it. I would have only added one thing: " I have not felt this way about a guy instantly before blablabla" and it was sweet when he told me he felt the same way... Hopefully time will tell if he is for real hey! He did tell me the same things, so ..... Is it okay to at least tell people he said he felt the same way, rather than me being a daft idiot who is projecting? I mean, I have to have some solid evidence that he SEEMS very much like he is on the same page as me, right? I will definitely only take responsibility for my own feelings from here on out..... Thanks you have been one of the most helpful posters on here yet!
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I love when a girl texts me or tells me that she wants good morning messages, or something like that, or that she misses. To me, it makes all the more important to talk to her, because i know she needs me, and when im in love, i want her to know that ill be there for her. Unfortunately, girls dont work this way, and us guys have to play, so that she doesnt lose interest. Its sad. Oh he very much SEEMED to love it when I said good morning to him first, and I told him once that I loved his good morning texts, He knew his lovely texts were very much appreciated.
Janesays Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 " I have not felt this way about a guy instantly before blablabla" and it was sweet when he told me he felt the same way... Hopefully time will tell if he is for real hey! He did tell me the same things, so ..... Is it okay to at least tell people he said he felt the same way, rather than me being a daft idiot who is projecting? ! You can if you feel that it is relevant to the conversation. I will say, coming from someone who is trying to give you good, solid, honest advice, FOR ME, I don't think it is relevant. What is the point of dissecting some dude's (who is not here to defend himself or clarify how he feels) offhand statements? The fact that one time he SAID something to you won't change my opinion. I will almost always ask you what he ACTUALLY did instead. I'll give you an example, when I was in my 20's I had this boyfriend of about 2 months. One night, after sex, while we were cuddling on the couch, he very dreamily stared into my eyes and said, "Jane....I think I'm falling in love with you." I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. The very next day, he quit calling, emailing, EVERYTHING. He didn't dump me. Worse. Just flat out disappeared! Now which is the most relavent information in my experience? The fact that he SAID he was 'falling in love?' Or the fact that his ACTIONS were to just disappear? Was it his WORDS or his ACTIONS that are the best indicator of how he REALLY felt about me? I guess what I'm trying to say, go ahead and acknowledge that a guy SAID this or that. JUST DONT AUTOMATICALY BELIEVE IT! Wait until he following through, over a period of months with clear consistent ACTIONS before you feel secure in his 'love.' 2
Keenly Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Being a bit insecure over texts is a pretty dumb reason to break up over, in my opinion. Why don't you contact him and try to talk things out; acknowledging what you did wrong and trying to do better? While I would agree, I also must say my ex had major insecurity problems Really bad ones. It started over text message communication frequency. Then it moved into how often we hang out. Then it moved onto my co workers. Then onto Facebook. Then before I knew it, every time I ran into a girl I know in public all of a sudden I was cheating. Its exhausting and he didn't want to deal with that kind of behavior. Insecurities will drive a man insane because they are completely irrational, illogical , and serve absolutely no purpose other than the insecure person slowly tearing down the relationship. 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 While I would agree, I also must say my ex had major insecurity problems Really bad ones. It started over text message communication frequency. Then it moved into how often we hang out. Then it moved onto my co workers. Then onto Facebook. Then before I knew it, every time I ran into a girl I know in public all of a sudden I was cheating. Its exhausting and he didn't want to deal with that kind of behavior. Insecurities will drive a man insane because they are completely irrational, illogical , and serve absolutely no purpose other than the insecure person slowly tearing down the relationship. I agree. I'm seeking therapy for it as it's a major hindrance to any relationship. . I hope he has a the decency to call or text even to break up with me... He PROMISED he'd never do the disappearing act. He PROMISE he would at b least end things officially. My worst fear is that I'll be seeing a guy, things will seem great with him showing every sign he's into me, only for him to dissappear rather than break up with me in a human way He begged me to never hurt him. He had been hurt before obviously, and he said he was falling hard for me and he was very scared of getting hurt. He's sick if he is now doing the thing to me that I've told him I most fear: the disappearing act. He has a small dog.. I thought he'd have more empathy than this.... to hurt a girl in the way HE KNOWS she most fears. I'd never knowingl hurt a person this much.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I was cool with seeing him once a week due to a crazy few weeks for his work. Although he'd tell me how he wanted to see me all the time soon once things cleared up. Which he kept to his word about. . Only for this to happen shortly after. I never demanded his time. He volunteered it. I never alluded to not being comfortable with him having female friends. I am never going to worry about texting behavior again, and I will, instead, just go on how his actions are showing me his intentions with me.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Yep, he's done the disappearing act... Even though he promised me he wouldn't ever do that to me... And even though I explained myself through texts; he had asked me two days ago, the last time we spoke, why I was upset and he wanted to know why I was the way I was in terms of my insecurity issues. He said if I cannot talk to my partner about it then there is no point in us. I said I would explain if he called, as texting is too difficult for it.. He said he'd call. He never did, so I did text to explain everything he wanted to know; that I am new to dating, that I had NO reason to doubt his feelings about me and it was all me, he did nothing to make me doubt him. I also said that, aside from that issue, I lived with an ex and I have no other bad habits that would hinder a relationship. It just my insecurity for no reason that I tend to have, which I understand is enough of a deal breaker. I said " please call or text me to officially end things if that is your decision, as I would be cool about it and I would not be unreasonable. I would hear you out and let you be" ..Have not heard from him since. Last thing he, two days ago, was: are you really ready to be with someone" " I will call" ...Two days and it is clear he has done the disappearing act. He knows not to do that to me, he promised he wouldn't. It was only a month long relationship, therefore I am over it now. I spent two hard days waking up in the morning with that dreaded sad feeling; to know you are not waking up to them in your life. Now I am fine. I had feelings for him, but I always knew I did not know or trust him yet, and therefore luckily I was not yet invested in him, as he was yet ti prove himself and earn my trust. The ironic thing is: if he had called me and broken up with me in a decent manner, I would actually be more upset than I am now. However, because he proved himself to be a jerk who does the disappearing act when he strictly promised NOT to ever do that to me, I no longer give a damn about him or the "relationship" as he so called it. If a guy ends up showing me he is unkind or that he would disappear on a girl, I instantly lose interest. I would have cared if I had invested months in him though, so luckily I didn't. All good now I am fine. I am not looking to date anytime soon and won't go online dating again for some time. If a great guy takes an interest me in real life, however, I will be open to it but I would rather just take it slow and be friends with them and get to KNOW them muuuuch better before agreeing to be bf and gf, the way I agreed to it with this last dude. Hmm. What an @sshole. Sorry, but he knew my very worst fear was him disappearing. And he did. Oh well, I will get to know future guys better and not act insecure and think they don't like me for no reason. It could have driven this guy away, OR, he may have been lying all along about his feelings. Who knows?
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Just to add - I enjoy writing about my dating life very much, it is akin to blogging to me, to come on here. I very much appreciate advice. I like to write a lot about my dating life, please don't take that the wrong way. I enjoy writing a lot about guys, irrespective of HOW important they are to me. I think it is useful to also get advice on how to act differently in the future. Please do not take me writing pages on guys I barely know to mean I care about them too much, I did the same about the last dude yet I did not care about it when it ended for more than the usual day or so. I think guys are interesting, and it baffles be the ones who disappear etc.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Best to let it go now. You fall to quick, and you expect others to fall as quick as well. You could be missing out on a great, solid relationship by rejecting someone that might be a slow burn. Expecting affection and love to move at warp speed isn't really working for you, maybe time to try something different? Approach dating with a cool head and perhaps let something develop slowly? I don't want slow burn thanks. It works for many people though, but I want to have that "thing" where two people meet, and there is just something about each other that sticks out. I do not want to talk marriage and babies or anything crazy like that early on! I do need an instant spark though, although I AM very open to a "friend" turning into a lover over time, I know that does happen! On dates, when I am ready to date again, I cannot just.. go on a date, feel no spark and feel AVERSE to kissing them, and then force myself to keep seeing them and "wait' until we have the urge to kiss each other. At the very least, on a date, I have to want to KISS that person by the end of the date. There has to be chemistry enough for me to want to kiss them right away, opposed to "dating them" because they are a really nice guy, and " warm" to the idea of wanting to kiss them. I know not everyone has the luxury of instant attraction; most average people have to meet, not think that person is all that attractive to them, and then the attraction grows... So far, I have found guys who instantly think I am beautiful TO THEM ( obviously I am not to all men), but I prefer going for guys who really dig curvy blondes with blue eyes. I actually want a "slower" progression next time around, but with an instant spark. Otherwise, I am open to friends becoming more than friends, naturally, over time; I will never force myself to date a guy who is a really nice guy and everything I want, yet who I do not have a spark with.
Chris715 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Hey Leigh, sorry to see you're going through this. To add my two cents as a guy, some of the insecure things you've done would definitely be a turnoff to me, like the incident when he was at the hospital. BUT you definitely seemed to recognize your mistake and it looks like you're taking steps to correct it by dealing with your insecurities I'm not going to tell you to completely give up hope on this, because I know how painful that can be to hear and how impossible it can be to do. Like others have said the best you can do right now is give him his space and let him come to a decision. DO NOT panic text him if you don't receive a response tomorrow, the next day, etc. as that will only push him away more (speaking from experience here too, I've done it myself) If it's meant to be and he has these strong feelings for you like you think he does than maybe he'll want to give you another chance. Stay strong in the mean time.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Thanks Chris:) I am about to read your own thread to see if I can offer you some support as well, since u have taken the time to help me out... He was actually called Chris haha! Ugh, look, my gut instinct and the way he ACTED while with me and also through his consistent texting and for the fact he FORGAVE me after the hospital incident... I do feel as though he WAS falling hard for me in the way he described to me he was. I just think I effed it up. I know he needs space, he did the first time after the hospital incident. I TOLD him that I was highly embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour, and that I KNOW I had NO reason to act the way I did; he gave me NO REASON to make me doubt him. He knows that I know I effed up. Last time I did it, he backed off for a day, then got back to me. Not the case this time.. He was apprehensive initially, he was not being as lovey towards me. It took him a week to get his bearings together and start opening up to me again with his pet names and what not... I did text him a lot this time initially, as he ASKED me to explain myself, yet did not call me to give me that chance. SO I texted away, calmly explaining why I was the way I was, that I had NO REASON to doubt him at all, and I think I can change that one bad habit I have. I have not bothered him since. I have told him I would be understanding and reasonable if he wanted to break up:( and he STILL has not had the balls to end things with me! He just DISSAPEARD... He either fell for me and became infatuated in the physical sense, then realised he didn't care for me the way he thought he did and bailed, or he liked me a lot but not enough to overlook my last episode. All I did was say, on the last two days we spoke, I asked " it upsets me when you don't text me first anymore the way you used to always do, and I feared you didn't want to see me anymore, and you would not bother with me unless I texted you first all the time" He responded with " why on earth would you ever think that? I tell you how much I like you every day?" He was right, he showed nothing but how much he seemed into me the entire time. He always used to initiate the good morning texts, until one day he didn't and told me he was upset it took me that long to text him that day, and that he always does it and just wants it to be a bit more 50/50. ....I knew he would get back to me even when I did not text him first. He had taken a week break from being the one to text first, as he always was first texter in the beginning. I had NO reason to feel he was not feeling it with me or would not bother with me if I never texted him. It is CRAZY I felt that way now that I look back. Deep down at the time, I knew I was wrong and off, but I was not doing enough with my life on a daily basis and probably had too much time on my hands to dedicate to finding crap wrong with perfectly normal situations. Alas, I am seeking therapy for my insecurity issues. I know there are good guys out there, and I very much LOVED my time with him. The past two guys at least really seemed to be attracted to me and appreciate my personality and liked to be around me, they acted in the way a guy SHOULD act, only it did not last. My ex did not act the way in which they did initially, so I have at least gone after guys who initially feel it with me and act into me; now I just need to slow the hell down and not find fault in things until they make it clear there is anything wrong... ...I do wonder if he will ever contact me again, of course I do imagine how nice it would be, however, I am not counting on it, and I am treating it like a break up. .... I DID tell him in my last texts to " take his time to think about things, I will not go anywhere, and it is cool if he wants to break up, but to please do it via phone call. He promised he would break up officially and not just disappear. He would tell me that he thought me most minutes of the day. His actions towards me showed he did, however, obviously he changed his feelings for me. I would like to think that he if he thought about me as often as he claimed to, he would not merely dismiss me by disappearing, without giving it a second thought.
cif Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Leigh, i remember your previous thread about the other guy and communication was also the issue. You seem to panic and blurt out all your thoughts through texting which may scare away these guys. How about with the next guy you go a bit old school.. Meaning no to minimal texting? Think about it for a second before you call me crazy. More face to face and voice on voice. Really whats the point of a good morning text. Nothing is more boring. Youve been sleeping not much has gone on you know. Theres no reason for us to flood each other with texts all day everyday. Lets give ourselves some breathing space so we can be missed and desired.
Chris715 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I would say maybe he is taking some time away from you to figure out what he wants and if you give him the space and time he will come back to you, or at least give you the break up you deserve. At the same time I think it's possible he intends to stay away for good and the part about "giving you a definitive break up no matter what" was just BS. If that happens I'm sorry because you definitely don't deserve that, but prepare yourself just in case. And it seems like you realize the second option is a definite reality and you've already prepared yourself somewhat for it, so that's good. And I'm sorry my name's the same as your ex, haha. I hate seeing anyone with the same name, or even similar name to my ex gf's.
Author Leigh 87 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 Leigh, i remember your previous thread about the other guy and communication was also the issue. You seem to panic and blurt out all your thoughts through texting which may scare away these guys. How about with the next guy you go a bit old school.. Meaning no to minimal texting? Think about it for a second before you call me crazy. More face to face and voice on voice. Really whats the point of a good morning text. Nothing is more boring. Youve been sleeping not much has gone on you know. Theres no reason for us to flood each other with texts all day everyday. Lets give ourselves some breathing space so we can be missed and desired. The last guy? He saw me often and when we were apart he did not text whatsoever. Id it was three days apart, he'd not text at all. That is fine, if I had given him the chance and went with it, it could have worked out. Instead, I freaked and ruined it. This current guy texted every day. Not overzealously, though we did have days where we texted all day, as he is working for himself, albeit in a busy job, and could text me a lot. I'm a student and could reply back often. I think it would have worked out until we let our feelings run their course, had I not freaked about his texting habits, as they were just fine. I prefer guys who text once a day at least. This current guy would text on occasion saying " thinking of you princess" I would prefer an old school guy to be honest, so I would know where I stook without the whole texting crap! So long as he, you know, set regular dates, showed he was into me and did not multi date due to liking me too much to focus on others.
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