Riding the rollercoaster and staying on

[sylviaguardian]

After reading the posts from Owl, Thumbinmyway and Kiss my Tiara on Sweetz's thread (sorry for hijacking it) I was amazed at how many people share the rollercoaster feeling. It makes me feel so much better to know that I am not abnormal. As I'm still right in the middle of the damn ride I wanted to pick everyone else's brains for coping with it and also share some of my tips (gained through blood and tears, I'll tell you).

 

OK here goes:

 

- I have told at least 5/6 of my friends exactly what has happened. Speaking to them is a great outlet for when I am fizzing with anger or in the depths of despair. They also give me a reality check when needed.

 

- I compare how bad I am feeling now with how bad I was feeling 4 months ago (basically I couldn't function)

 

- deal with my anger at the OW by knowing that building a great relationship with my H is the best way of getting revenge on her

 

- try to banish thoughts of what they did/said. I'll never know and it doesn't matter now.

 

Anyone else got any ideas - I would love to know!

 

Sylvia

[Sweetz]

I attended a work seminar on stress management last month. One phrase that stuck out in my head that they kept saying was What is it going to matter in five years? Think about that one. I did and it struck a chord in me for some reason.

 

What is getting me through things today and hopefully avoiding the rollercoaster is just looking ahead and not looking back. What's done is done and I regret my mistakes, but now we need to move forward. Rehashing the old doesn't change it. I want to do right from now on! Easier said than done but it's my goal.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

After reading the posts from Owl, Thumbinmyway and Kiss my Tiara on Sweetz's thread (sorry for hijacking it) I was amazed at how many people share the rollercoaster feeling. It makes me feel so much better to know that I am not abnormal. As I'm still right in the middle of the damn ride I wanted to pick everyone else's brains for coping with it and also share some of my tips (gained through blood and tears, I'll tell you).

 

OK here goes:

 

- I have told at least 5/6 of my friends exactly what has happened. Speaking to them is a great outlet for when I am fizzing with anger or in the depths of despair. They also give me a reality check when needed.

 

- I compare how bad I am feeling now with how bad I was feeling 4 months ago (basically I couldn't function)

 

- deal with my anger at the OW by knowing that building a great relationship with my H is the best way of getting revenge on her

 

- try to banish thoughts of what they did/said. I'll never know and it doesn't matter now.

 

Anyone else got any ideas - I would love to know!

 

Sylvia

 

Sylvia,

 

my ride comes and goes.....its on the downslope that I get worse. The upslopes are great and I feel great.....but its the smallest little things that trigger the downslope feelings.....and man they suck!.

 

When I am on a downslope (and after 4 months, they are fewer now), I try to fucus on ALL the good things my wife has said, instead of the little bad thing she siad that triggeres the downslope feelings. Its hard but it works. For instanst, yesterday on my downslope.....she made a one word comment to me, that took it all away....the comment was a positive one that I internalized to make me feel better about our progress and it worked to take the negative feeling away. FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS.....dont dwell...which leads me to comment on Sweetz notion of not dwelling and moving on....see next post Sweetz

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Sweetz

What is getting me through things today and hopefully avoiding the rollercoaster is just looking ahead and not looking back. What's done is done and I regret my mistakes, but now we need to move forward. Rehashing the old doesn't change it. I want to do right from now on! Easier said than done but it's my goal.

 

 

Sweetz,

 

The thing about the rollercoaster and the idea of not looking back is 2 fold.

 

For the betrayer....the guilt they feel is unbearable and the only way for them to get thru it is to forget it and move on....thats how the betrayer deals with the situation.

 

For the betrayed spouse......its not as easy, at least it isnt for me. Like me, I;m sure your husband will dwell on this for a long time....its not easy to just forget that the person you love the most, the person you make love too, the person you commited your love too for ever....HAS GIVEN THE MOST SACRED ACT OF A MARRIAGE (love making/sex) TO ANOTHER MAN....not just once, but numerous times. It really affects a man, knowing that the intimate love making they shared, was giving to another man. Those thoughts will take some time to go away.

 

The truth is that men corralate love with sex.....its the way we are wired. Your husband was betrayed in the worst possibly way......he prolly feels inadequte in the love making department....and that HURTS MEN DEEPLY. To make this go away....you need to compliment him, make him feel that he is increadible, make him fell worthy, make him know that you enjoy his sexually company and that you feel satisfied with him.

 

And if you need help in that department....then look into ways to spice it up a bit (toys, mutual masturbastion, erotic role playing, quickie oral sex episodes when he/she leasts expects it)...there are also books out there specifically written to help monamogus realtionships that lost a spark to help spice it up in the bedroom.

 

I would also suggest looking into <URL removed> They have a summary of how to make a marriage work.....deposits into the LOVE BANK, meeting emotion needs, etc........read up on it....that is an increadle site too.

[reservoirdog1]

What's done is done and I regret my mistakes, but now we need to move forward. Rehashing the old doesn't change it. I want to do right from now on! Easier said than done but it's my goal.

 

Sweetz... your long-term attitude is the right one. However, speaking as a betrayed husband, don't let that attitude lead you to refuse to discuss the affairs with your H. He will undoubtedly want to ask you questions in the coming months that will be difficult or painful for you to answer honestly. But you must do so. You want to forget the past, but trust me... it will NOT be so simple for your H. Right now, you know exactly what happened in your marriage and why, down to the last detail. He knows the big picture, but basically no details... simply because he wasn't there when it happened.

 

If you evade his questions or refuse to answer them, his healing process -- and thereby, yours as a couple -- will be impeded, because he'll believe that you're still hiding the truth from him. He will need honest answers to his questions. Don't make the mistake so many wayward spouses seem to make by denying him that. He won't be able to move forward until he has addressed (and, from your perspective, "rehashed") the past to his satisfaction.

[reservoirdog1]

Actually Sweetz, I just read your update to your "2.5 weeks" post and it looks like you ARE answering his questions. Very glad to hear that.

 

RD

[Joyce]

The truth is that men corralate love with sex.....its the way we are wired. Your husband was betrayed in the worst possibly way......he prolly feels inadequte in the love making department....and that HURTS MEN DEEPLY. To make this go away....you need to compliment him, make him feel that he is increadible, make him fell worthy, make him know that you enjoy his sexually company and that you feel satisfied with him.

 

That is so true TMW. My husband has been obsessed with sex ever since I told him about my affair. It strange how different men and women are.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

If you evade his questions or refuse to answer them, his healing process -- and thereby, yours as a couple -- will be impeded, because he'll believe that you're still hiding the truth from him. He will need honest answers to his questions. Don't make the mistake so many wayward spouses seem to make by denying him that. He won't be able to move forward until he has addressed (and, from your perspective, "rehashed") the past to his satisfaction.

 

 

this is so true......

 

there has still been issues that I want an honest answer for....when I dont feel that I get them...I reword and let her conscience make the decision. And it works.....she says she doesnt want to hurt my feelings.....but I told her that by not being TOTALLY honest with everything we say and do, will only hold us back from making progress....

 

but I think it has to do with the fact that she wants to move on...and I still have questions that she dont want to address because it affects her.."she dont want to here it anymore"......but it affects me more because it increases my lack of trust in her to give honest answers....it makes me think if she is being honest with anything in general....and I told her that and she re-agreed to be upfront with everything we do and say togather and apart from each other.....TOTAL COMMUNICATION is the only to get thur this....

[Sweetz]

Great post ThumbingMyWay

[sylviaguardian]

I couldn't agree more with these sentiments. I do get the impression with my husband that he just wants to move on now and is fed up with dredging over things again and again, especially when they sometimes end in screaming arguments.

 

But I think the point is that the person who had the A knows what went on, where they met, how often, what was said, what the feelings were etc. For the people who are betrayed (or at least for me) it is very confusing to try to piece together what it all means.

 

If you don't know what you are dealing with, it's really hard to move on, although I can understand how you (Sweetz) just want to go back to concentrating on your marriage and not keep being reminded of the guilt.

 

Sylvia

[Owl]

Sorry I haven't been on much all...been sick and been dealing with a lot of work issues as well. At any rate, it looks like you're already getting some great advice from some of the other people that have been through this too. One of the main reasons I posted here on LS to begin with was to figure out what I could do to make it through the rollercoaster ride myself...and in truth, that is what I still struggle with. I'm going through a bit of a downtime myself atm...I always get bummed and depressed when I'm sick, so its not a surprise.

 

Resdog is on the money with his advice on being open as you go forward Sweetz...that's what I struggle with now. My wife isn't as open about things as she was...and its gotten to a point where I've given up trying to talk about things. The result is both good and bad...we don't have the disagreemants we had when I'd try to talk about what happened, but really the only place that I talk about it now is here on LS, or when we go to counseling every few weeks.

 

We're doing good overall tho...so don't take this post as a complete downer. Mostly just the fact that I'm tired and not feeling good is causing that. Keep the faith friends...we'll all make it through this!!

[Joyce]

I've been reading through this thread and it caught my attention at how most of the people that were betrayed are the ones that are still holding on and hurting and their SO is the one that wants to move on.

 

Well my situation is a little different because I am the one that had the affair and I am the one that is still struggling. The affair is taboo subject in our home. I don't bring it up because I don't want to sound like I am gloating about it but there are times I wish I could have someone to talk to about it. My husband still refuses counseling... which in a way is my fault because I went to counseling while I was still having an affair and I pretended to want to work things out. So now he wont attempt it even though he knows I am ready for it and I am now being completely honest with him. I could go by myself but I am a coward. I am too ashamed to tell someone what I did. My H is the only one that knows besides the OM. I have to go through my work in order to get a referral to go to a counselor. I called them and they wanted to know all the details of why I needed counseling.. this is the only way to get my insurance to pay for this.

 

I know this probably doesn't all make sense and I don't want my H to be hurting but I don't want him to continue on pretending like nothing ever happened. Things are going really well for us right now and I want it to stay that way. I can't help but feel like if we don't face this and deal with it that he will have anger resurface later.

 

I just wish I knew how to get my H to open up with his feelings. I know I am sounding selfish because if he has closure I should too right? After all I am the one that hurt him.

 

I am sorry I don't want to steal the thread I just needed to vent.

 

Owl sorry to hear you not feeling well. I hope you get feeling better soon.

[sylviaguardian]

Hmm, I don't think you are being selfish. Does your husband really have closure or is he just hoping it will all go away? I know a couple where the wife had an affair and left her H for a while then they got back together again. They just agreed to never talk about it but years later their relationship is very bad from the outside. There seems to be a great deal of resentment between them and I wonder if the A is one of the causes.

 

Can you have one last chance at persuading your husband to go to counselling. Couldn't you tell him that you want help with dealing with the hurt you have caused him rather then implying that you want help with the relationship.

 

At the end of the day, if he doesn't want to go you can't make him. I suppose for some people this is their way of dealing with things. Ask him if he's happy though, with the way things are now.

 

Sylvia

[Joyce]

Thanks for replying and advice Sylvia.

 

I don't think he has closure. I think he is so hurt by this that he doesn't want to talk to me about or anyone else. He is the type of person that does not dwell or if he does he doesn't show it. He thinks a man that shows sadness is weak. He does not think men should cry or show emotion. He didn't used to be like this. His line of work has made him think this way. I am the complete opposite. I dwell on everything.

 

I know I need to talk to him and ask him to go to counseling again. I just feel awkward bringing it up because he doesn't want to talk about it. I need to be open with him even if he doesn't want to be open with me.

[sylviaguardian]

Joyce,

 

If he really doesn't want to talk about it, I doubt that you can make him. Maybe he just needs a bit of space. Is there anyone else that you could talk to in the meantime? Could you go to the counsellor alone and hope that he wants to join you at some point.

 

Sorry - I know what it's like to want to talk to someone and they just don't want to talk. So frustrating. But maybe this is the way your husband deals with it. Wierd but seems to work for some people. Maybe he has worked things out in his own head and decided it's not worth dwelling on? I think sometimes just moving forwards probably gives you a good platform for dealing with things. I have seen from my own position that constant arguing does not allow any positive feelings to grow so it's kind of catch-22.

 

Hang in there Hon,

 

Sylvia

[Joyce]

Thanks sylvia,

 

I really appreciate the advice. I have so much admiration for you, Owl and Thumbing my Way along with several others. You all are strong individuals to love your spouses and work on your marriage. I think it's even more amazing that you guys can be open minded enough to offer advice to people that are on the other side of the fence. It shows what wonderful people all of you are!

 

I know I can't force my H to talk. In fact we have a new road block that we have hit that doesn't have anything to do with my affair. This next year will definitely be hard... it's a long story and the wrong place to post.

 

Thanks again!

 

(hugs)

[Owl]

Joyce,

 

I'm not sure if this tack will work or not, but its a thought. Don't approach your husband with the concept that you want to do counseling because you feel he may not have really admitted how he felt or hasn't worked through all of this and you're worried about how that will affect you and your marriage.

 

Tell him that you need the counseling to resolve this issue for YOU. Its something that he can do for YOU, to help YOU get over what you've both been through. Its true...he's not expressing the need, you are. That doesn't make what and how you feel any less true or accurate...but looking at it and phrasing it that way may help your husband understand WHY you're asking for this. And he may well be willing to do something to help YOU recover before he'll do something that he doesn't feel he needs...even if he does need it. If you need to, try attending a single counseling first without him...and express this concern/need/worry that you have with the counselor. Then bring your husband in... I'm NOT advicating lying here...you're not lying. Its something that he can do to make you feel better in your marriage. Make sense?

[Joyce]

Owl,

 

I hope your feeling better. I wouldn't say that would be lying because I think I need the counseling just as much as him. I left a message with the people at my work that I have to get a referral from to see a counselor.

 

I am definitely going to need counseling and support from my husband in the next several months and I know he is going to need mine too. My life is beginning to fell like a soap opera.

 

Thanks

[Owl]

I know that "my life is a soap opera" feeling. Just got back from our bi-weekly couples counseling...worst session we've had since June, back when we argued over whether or not she could maintain contact with the OM as "just friends".

 

Guess its my time to look for others to provide the support again...I'm burnt. Starting to feel like we're not working together on some of this, and for the first time in quite a while, I'm just sitting here hurting. I totally admit I'm not the world's greatest person, and you know, after you bust your butt for so long trying to make things better, and then suddenly you feel like months of hard work are now non-existent, its hard to keep hope at times.

 

The truth is, I think that if I had let her go back when all of this had gone on, she would have driven her OM totally bonkers by now, and she would have been back here wishing she had me back. Maybe I screwed up by convincing her to stay here and not letting her suffer for being so stupid as to think someone else could have offered her something better. I dont know that she has ever once REALLY thought about what her life would be like without me.

 

LOL...maybe I should give you all my wife's email address....and let you all tell her how lucky she is to have a guy who does as much for her and cares as much for her as I do. I'm not sure she really realizes how lucky she is sometimes. Maybe if she did, she'd work a little harder at things.

 

Sorry all....this is Owl at his worst. Check please.

[sylviaguardian]

Owl - feel your pain hun! It's been six months since all of this started and I don't know whether I am coming or going. Sometimes I just want off the merry-go-round. I know what it feels like to keep busting a gut and meeting a brick wall.

 

Maybe it's time to cool it a bit and take time out yourself. Go and do some things that make you happy. Maybe your wife will suddenly start to think. I feel like I gave up on Friday night and my H announced today that this is the worst he has ever felt. Maybe it's sinking in with him that I'm not going to fight for ever.

 

Would it be an idea to show your wife some of the posts here? I know when I showed them to my H that he was shocked at how I felt and embarrassed at some of the response people posted.

 

Anyway, like you said to me, it's time to take care of yourself. Life is not all about one relationship (although it can certainly s**** you up). Ring a friend or go out and have some fun and take your mind off things. It certainly isn't all up to you. Absolve yourself of that responsibility. You have given it your utmost, more cannot be done.

 

Hang in there Owl. Believe you are a good person and start thinking about what that person needs.

 

Hugs,

Sylvia

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Owl

Sorry all....this is Owl at his worst. Check please.

 

 

damm brutha.....hang in there. Its a process.

 

 

I feel sorta in the same boat. My wife has increased her "going outs" with the one friend she was with on the night "IT" happened. The same friend who was cheating or her husband and inturn told her husband the same day my wife told me. They have since decided to divorce.

 

BUT this friend continous to go out, now sinlge mind you. The friend is no longer seeing the guy she was cheating with....but has now been sleeping with another man (10 ys younger) and also is dating another guy her age. When the friend goes out...its with other younger single friends...and they go to dance bars.....what I like to call pickup joints.

 

So last night, my wife was going out with this friend....she said her friend wanted to go to Mulligans (dance bar)...but my wife said she didnt want to to go there. They ended up going to a few places, but no pickup joints (so they say?), but I still had a feeling of concern. So I told my wife that I understand that you too will be friends for ever....but DONT forget that being in that environment was one of the things that contributed to what got us here. She agreed and replyed with, "I am not going ever do "that" again. You need to trust me....and if i did, then you can kick me to the curb". I said, "I just dont want you to think that I am controlling you....but you have to understand that If the tables were turned and I was the one going out with a similar type of friend with other single men to dance bars, whose single purpose of going was to hookup....I would think you would feel the same way." And she agreed.

 

I know I cannot control what she does....and I do honestly believe she wont do what she did ever again.....its just that I dont want her to get caught up in the life style again....the more your around it the more influence it may have on her and our relationship. I also fear that now that her friend is living the single life...that she may be influenced and tempted in situations were MEN are agressively persuing the group of women she hangs out with. I just dont want my wife to be in a vulnerable position were tempation is present.

 

I just see a slight turn back to what got us here....and it concerns me. Time will tell...and I will address it at the right time IF I see rifts in our recovery OR if I see increase in the going out with this group to pickup joints.

 

I have faith in her....its the trust that is taking time.

[Joyce]

Owl,

 

You have not wasted your time working on your marriage. You love her and she loves you. You are both stressed and emotionally drained. I am learning that everyone handles stress differently. Even though it may not seem like she is hurting she is. I can guarantee that she knows she is lucky. People show things in different ways. Try to relax and focus on positive things. Give her a huge hug and tell her you love her. The roller-coaster ride is vicious but it will be worth it in the end.