pasister Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 My husband and I have been married several years and our sex life is not good. We have sex about once every 2 weeks (which is better than some couples) but he watches porn and mastubates almost every day (sometimes several times a day). Before anyone gripes me out about the porn issue let me make one thing clear - it is not the porn, it not the masturbation - it is about the lack of intimacy and desire. I feel unwanted and that I come in second place to a movie. I feel that it is almost a competition between me and the movies (but I never win). I have offered to try new things, offered to watch the movies with him, offered to please him however he wants. He always says things are fine and that nothing needs to change. But then we go to bed - he is on one side of the bed and I am on the other. He waits for me to fall asleep and then he gets up and goes to watch porn. I am right there with him why doesn't he want me??? When we first got married he made all the moves. He asked me if I would be the initiator some of the time - I said sure but then once I started initiating sex he just stopped - never touched me, never made any move toward me unless I started it. After about a year of this I told him that it really bothered me that he never showed an interest in me unless I made the first move. He said he understood but nothing has changed despite several more conversations. I have completely stopped initiating sex and the sex has greatly slowed down. He watches porn when I take a nap, he watches when I go to the store, he does it whenever he can but he denies me - says that he is too tired, or that I am too tired (I love it when he tells me how tired I am), or the kids, or whatever. I am not saying porn or masturbation is wrong, I am just wondering if I am just being selfish. I love my husband and want to share myself with him but I don't get the same feeling from him. I want to be wanted, I want to be desired. I absolutely do not think he is having an affair - I just think he has some issues, feelings, fantasies, etc.. that he cannot share with me and I don't know how to make it better. I have tried and tried to talk about this with him and we have argued about it. I am also intimidated to talk about sex with him but I have forced myself to open up to him and "spill my guts" and all I asked in return was for him to trust me and open up to me. He just said that he did not have anything to say because everything was fine. Last night I moved out to the couch. He felt really bad about it but offered no conversation, no words, just a sad face. I am pregnant and he tried to get me to sleep in the bed. I figure it is going to take something this drastic to show him how serious I am about working this out together. I will do counseling, I will do whatever, I just want us to both be happy. We have a great marriage other than the sex. We get along great and rarely argue (almost every argument has been about sex). We both take an active role in our marriage and share all the housework, raising the kids etc. Why can't our life in the bedroom be as good as it is outside the bedroom????
Pocky Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 My husband used to watch porn and masturbate every day. Our sex life sucked. Our sexual intimacy sucked. We almost divorced. We did a test - he stopped masturbating for two weeks. During that time he would wake up aroused and most assuredly initiated sex when he hadn't done so in almost five years! After the two week test was up we sat down and discussed how masturbating on a regular basis affected our sex life. I told him the porn didn't bother me one bit, but the affects of continuous masturbating had to be stopped. He looks at all the porn he wants, but only masturbates once a week. He never realized how much it affected him until he honestly took two weeks off.
alphamale Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by pasister We have a great marriage other than the sex. We get along great and rarely argue (almost every argument has been about sex). We both take an active role in our marriage and share all the housework, raising the kids etc. Why can't our life in the bedroom be as good as it is outside the bedroom???? What exactly is problem here? Your closing comments above make it sound like you're lookin' for the perfect marriage. Well it does not exist. You also said you have sex more than some other couples, so what is the problem. I see 95% good here and 5% bad. Some coouples are 95% bad and 5% good. Quit complaining.
EC Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 What exactly is problem here? Your closing comments above make it sound like you're lookin' for the perfect marriage. Well it does not exist. You also said you have sex more than some other couples, so what is the problem. I see 95% good here and 5% bad. Some coouples are 95% bad and 5% good. Quit complaining. Ouch!Alphamale I'm guessing your well Male...and I hate how some guys see us women stating a problem or something we feel is wrong and they call it complaining. She's not complaining..there's a problem in her marriage and she wants help fixing it. I think it is a problem. The lack of intimacy and desire and lust is very frustrating. You start doubting your looks and your self worth. It really sucks. I agree that you need to do something drastic so that he can see your very serious about this. Obviously everything is not fine if you have to go to the couch. Does it have anything to do with the fact that your pregnant? Because I remember my aunt getting into horrible fights with her husband because she was pregnant and wanted sex and he didnt want to.
NiCoLe20 Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 if i were you i would get together all of his movies, magazines, dvd's...anything on the computer and throw it out!!!!! if he gets mad oh well! tell him if this is what it takes to get ur attention then good! tell him u want to feel wanted .... say ur upset he pays more attention to that then you... make a bet... the longer he goes w/o it.. then you do something for him or to him see what happens... if you throw out all the porn theres no way for him to watch it right? he'll realize its a waste of money
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Some men have trouble with a 'mother complex' with their wives. They cannot reconcile the 'good wife' and 'mother' with a sexual being. Is it that he cannot reconcile sex with love? Some people simply cannot have sex and love in the same relationship. As the love grows deeper, the sexual part of it grows less - and to fulfill the sexual needs the partner will either go outside of the marriage or satisfy his/her needs with other emotionless outlets like porn. Its still no excuse for not trying to communicate it with you though. I expect he is embarrassed, or has something in his past relationships which he does nto want to share with you for whatever reason. Maybe its how he has always been and doesn't see it as a problem. Has he considered talking confidentially to anyone else about it though for your benefit? Watching porn and masturbating is one thing - an enjoyable private thing that many people enjoy as a healthy part of being human, but when it substitutes for intimacy with a significant other then somewhere there is a problem. If the only sex and intimacy he has is with himself then I don't see that as a problem with you I see that as an unresolved issue with him. Maybe he gets more pleasure out of it? Maybe he doesn't feel sexually toward you or has kinks that he feels you can't fulfill? Whatever it is, its not your fault. I would suggest that he talk to someone about it though and strike a reasonable solution that works for you both - before you end up divorced over it.
Author pasister Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 I am not going to throw out his stuff - it is his private property and I respect that. Thanks for the support that first message did sting a little. All I want is better communication and a happier/healthier/more pleasing sex life for myself AND my husband. I just don't know what words to say to make him understand how I feel. I think he just assumes that I am mad that he watches the movies and that is not it at all. I have tried to tell him that but I don't think he hears me. I don't know what will come of this - I don't know where I will be sleeping tonight. My husband slept on the floor last night because he refused to sleep in our bed if I was on the couch. I just want a conversation - it is about so much more than just sex at this point - I don't even want to have sex tonight - I just want to be close to him. I don't want to go to be wondering what is wrong with me - I don't want to wonder why I am not desireable. This has been going on since we got married and I am currently in my second pregnancy - I don't think it has anything to do with that. I really feel that he is to embarrased to open up to me and I don't know what to do. It just feels that conversation stops at the bedroom door.
alphamale Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Ouch!Alphamale I'm guessing your well Male...and I hate how some guys see us women stating a problem or something we feel is wrong and they call it complaining. She's not complaining..there's a problem in her marriage and she wants help fixing it. Sorry EternallyConfused, maybe I was a big harsh but I am trying to look at the big picture here. Her problem seems small in comparison with the major problems other married couples have. In any relationship there will be a few problem areas. Yes, they should work on it but also keep the big overall picture in mind. It could be worse, I mean he could be cheating or not a good provider or not help around the house. As Roseanna Roseannadana said "It's always something!"
Matilda Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 It sounds like he is addicted to porn and masturbation, and it is affecting your marital relationship. He is the one being selfish, and everything is not fine. You need to have a conversation with him, and be very frank with him. I think I would tell him that you feel he is addicted to porn. If he says "No I'm not.", then say "Okay, if you are not addicted, stop watching it for one month." It will be interesting to see what he says. Also, ask him why he is watching the porn instead of having sex with you. Ask him if he knows how much he is hurting you, and your marriage. And ask him if he is trying to hurt you. I think too, that you should take a look at some of the stuff on the net about porn addiction, and see if that fits your husband. And one more thing, take a look at marriagebuilders.com, I think reading some of the concepts about marriage there may help you.
Matilda Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale It could be worse, I mean he could be cheating or not a good provider or not help around the house. He is cheating.
michelangelo Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Two things I see I your posting: 1. You are pregnant! Your feelings about what is going on may be amplified by the soup of hormones drenching your body. Not trying to minimize or trivialize how you feel, but have you considered this? 2. You won't speak to him directly about this issue? Why not lay your cards on the table and tell him what's bugging you? Another poster mentioned the whole madonna/whore thing (not in those words) with some men. He may b e unable to approach you sexually because of it and feel stupid for even feeling that way. Or the guy could just love wanking to porn more than sex. Who knows? You need to to talk to him. Not the one-sided airing and he dodging and avoiding. And you know what? Tossing his porn stash is not disrespecting private property, it's defending your marital intimacy.
Author pasister Posted November 30, 2004 Author Posted November 30, 2004 alphamale - I know my marriage is better than many and for that I am grateful. I am not a whiner or a complainer. I see a problem in my marriage and I want to help fix it - I am not just complaining - I want to make things better. Example - you may live in a big, wonderful, beautiful house but if there is leak in the roof you better fix it or it could cause damage to other parts of the house and before you know it the house crumbles. I am not saying my marriage is in trouble, I just wanted advise on how to work through this with my husband. No, he is NOT cheating. It is not because I am pregnant. Maybe it has come to a head now because of emotions but this has been going on longer than my pregnancy. I am not trying to dodge the subject. I have been very open about my concerns. We have discussed it several times and I even wrote a letter when talking did not work. Every time he just tells me that he loves me and is happy with the way things are and that he doesn't know why - it is just what guys do.
michelangelo Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 OK, just about everyone, men and women, indulge in private pleasures. However, when doing so interferes with one's marriage it is no longer "just what guys do". I'd say the same thing if a woman preferred to use her toys alone rather than be intimate with their huband to the degree he apparently is making a similar decision regarding his activities vs. intimacy with you.
Cecelius Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I am a man and have been in your husband's situation (married and with a pregnancy going on, though I believe your post says this is longer term than that). I think you are being reasonable. I think you've undertaken a number of steps to deal with it. I can offer some explanations on his behalf: 1) Porn is different from sex (whether its sex with your wife, g/f or otherwise). Whether this is good or bad, it appeals to some more base emotions in a man (porn I do not think is terribly intimate at all). Maybe he has a problem, maybe not but I tend to agree with one of the above posters about him trying to save a little extra energy for the two of you. 2) Stress: Frankly, its hard to tell from your post but is he stressed at work or about the family, etc? Porn can be an easy passive stress reliever. 3) Passive hobby: Again its hard to tell from the details (which are of course your own to reveal or not)whether he's got any worries about his performance but honestly, sex to a man has a lot of performance aspects-- porn/self enjoyment has none. I say this to point out that its just easier on the viewer than real sex. 4) Pregnancy - Sounds like you've been through this before, but some people are very touchy about sex during pregnancy.
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