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boyfriend taking a break to sleep with another girl- how mad would you be?

tangerinetangerine

By tangerinetangerine
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Copelandsanity Established Member

Copelandsanity

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am angry, and want to know how justifiable it is.

 

My boyfriend wanted to "take a break" due to the long-distance nature of our relationship. I believed at the time the motivation behind this "break" was to determine a way for us to be together.

 

It depends on the communication between you two during the discussion of "taking a break." If that is what he expressed to you as the reasoning behind the break, then your anger is justifiable. But having a "break" in an LDR sounds more like an invitation to see other people.

 

Nevertheless, I don't think it's right of him to be dishonest about his communication and physical act with his ex. That's a huge red flag. I would dump him.

Edited by Copelandsanity
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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

Posted
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Posted

Thank you everyone for the responses.

 

It is a really messy, gross situation.

 

And clearly, there are trust issues on both parts (my wrong actions by checking his email and in no way cancelled out by his lying).

 

Do I feel like a doormat? yes. Do I think he will do it again because I've demonstrated that I will tolerate this behaviour? yes. Is is worth throwing away a 4 year relationship? I'm not certain yet. All I know is that my trust has been violated (and his as well, due to my actions). I have a lot of thinking to do.

Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted
Thank you everyone for the responses.

 

It is a really messy, gross situation.

 

And clearly, there are trust issues on both parts (my wrong actions by checking his email and in no way cancelled out by his lying).

 

TT:

Were you in a committed relationship when you checked his messages? My social media and personal media is an open book to my spouse and always has been even when we were just dating/living together. If you don't need to hide anything, and you are in a long-term committed relationship, you don't get angry when someone you love and value looks at your stuff. Transparency is at the heart of good communication and commitment. It is my opinion that only those with a cheating agenda or a secret agenda (espionage:rolleyes:, financial problems:o, sex fetishes:o, fear of judgment:eek:) is afraid of sharing communications with a committed partner. Sorry if this is OT.

Best,

Grumps

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SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
I am angry, and want to know how justifiable it is.

 

My boyfriend wanted to "take a break" due to the long-distance nature of our relationship. I believed at the time the motivation behind this "break" was to determine a way for us to be together. We were apart for only 10 days. He slept with an ex. (unbeknownst to me at the time). After the 10 days we reconciled, and have been together since.

 

Fast forward a year, and I stupidly went through his emails as I'd always had my suspicions of this woman. In it I found numerous emails from her aggressively (VERY, VERY aggressively) sexually perusing him during the time of our relationship, prior to our "break". There was no response from him, aside from one, days before our "break" (I feel so juvenile for even USING this term, never mind how stupid I feel for agreeing to the damn thing in the first place) replying with mundane mentions of the weather, the tediousness of his job, but ending with "see you soon".

 

I am livid. I am disgusted thinking of him sleeping with her.

It is the deliberateness of the whole thing that hurts me the most. The desire to have sex with other people seems to be the primary motivation for our “break” (which in itself implies that there will be a reconciliation, and not a “break up” in which there is no explicit expectation of reunion). It is more than coincidental that this woman pursues him aggressively for the months we were together, he planned to meet her, and mere days after leaving he ran straight into her bed.

 

It is clear to me that he took this "break" (ugh that damn word again!) with the sole intention of having sex with her, but he refuses to see my point, or even acknowledge why I *might* be upset by this.

 

It would have been more honest to simply break up with me, or discuss sleeping with other people with me, than disguise his motivations as "figuring us out" when in reality he just wanted to **** this girl.

 

Thoughts? Anyone in a similar situation? I need a little insight here:confused:

 

 

 

You have every right to be sad, hurt, disappointed, let-down, but he did the "appropriate" thing in first calling (time-out with you, at any rate) and only then (thinking with the little head).

 

Those contemplating the semantics of "taking a break" vs. a mere break-up should observe that many actual marriages have "trial separations" which are supposed to be sincerely that, and do not require a more definitive cutting of all ties.

 

Furthermore, some of his wording indicates not having wanted to hurt or upset you at the time, so he wins that point too.

 

And the fact that this was his ex, makes it a far cry from mere "other people" (both in terms of the singular usage, and the fact that the ex represented his valuing the trait that is his previous investment in a particular direction - which, I hate to point out to you, is what you WANT in a boyfriend).

 

It is OK to be hurt and upset by your having learned the truth, but at some point in your future/past, the teeter-totter of his emotional investments swung/(will swing) toward your side, over that of the EX GF, in terms of which has been his greater investment.

 

When that pivotal moment arrives, you will have what seems by many accounts a fairly sensible person, relative to what you'd get/have with some of the alternatives you've suggested/implied.

loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
Posted

It wasn't a break. He was coming up with his built in defense just in case he got caught. I'm sorry but a break for a few days to screw someone else only to want to end up back together with the person you took a break with is at the very least absolutely dishonest. It's bad character and show's a propensity for future disloyalties. It's bush league.

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

Posted
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Posted (edited)

For anyone still reading the post, the **** has really hit the fan.

 

I went through my boyfriend's computer (he gave me his old computer while he was away overseas so we could go on skype together) and THIS is what I found:

 

Searched for prostitutes in (name of town away from me he was working) June 2011, and visited the profiles of 7.

 

Searched for prostitutes in (name of town away from me where he was working) June 2012 and visited the profiles of 12.

 

Searched for erotic massage in January 2012.

 

Searched for women on Plenty of Fish in February 2012 and March 2012 and June 2012. can't confirm he messaged anyone but he sure checked his inbox a lot.

 

Searched for intimate encounters on Cougar Life in February 2012 and April 2012. Checked the profiles of 14 people, also checked his inbox a lot.

 

Searched and visited the profiles of 4 people on Xdating in February and March 2012 - even sent a request to a user to send a picture of her shaved pubic area.

 

Searched for intimate encounters in (town where he was working away from me) on Lavalife in October 2011, and visited the profiles of 5. Searched for dating as well. He has a dating AND INTIMATE profile.

 

On January 16 2012 I visited ads for "19 year old female wanting to meet someone in Edmonton", "married woman looking for fun in Edmonton" and "34 year old horny in Edmonton wants to have sex" and "erotic massage"

 

He has active profiles on plenty of fish, lavalife, xdating, and Cougar Life (if I didn't feel like death that one would atleast be funny)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Eivuwan Established Member

Eivuwan

Posted
Posted

Wow! He is extremely unfaithful. And you look gorgeous. This has nothing to do with your appearance. Ditch the dude.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

Did he do all that while with you? or before?

 

BTW, you look gorgeous! You have nice teeth, nice skin and you look cute and friendly.

 

Plenty of men will find you very attractive !

 

Plenty of women who are less attractive than you (less man find them attractive), find loving and faithful partners.

 

I urge you to do the same...

 

I am so sorry to hear all of this, he is a real piece of work, please change your manner in dealing with men; DO NOT accept a man back into your life okay, if u find he breaks up with you to screwww around with an ex.

 

Next time, faithful men only, and do not take guys back if they have break with you or break up with you.

 

I would also advise you to AVOID " breaks". Treat them like a break up, and move on. Cut contact with the guy...

 

I believe in "space" in a relationship, to sort things out. Or break up if you're not sure you want to be together.

 

Never accept a "break". Even if they say they are in love with you and want no other girls at all, tell them it is over and if they change their minds, they know where you live; then cut al contact with them.

 

Best of luck. Sorry, you don't deserve this. You seem like a nice lady and you deserve a nice guy!

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

Posted
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Posted

He did all of that while WITH me! So absolutely crazy.

Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

Posted
Posted
He did all of that while WITH me! So absolutely crazy.

 

What did you decide to do?

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