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boyfriend taking a break to sleep with another girl- how mad would you be?

tangerinetangerine

By tangerinetangerine
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am angry, and want to know how justifiable it is.

 

My boyfriend wanted to "take a break" due to the long-distance nature of our relationship. I believed at the time the motivation behind this "break" was to determine a way for us to be together. We were apart for only 10 days. He slept with an ex. (unbeknownst to me at the time). After the 10 days we reconciled, and have been together since.

 

Fast forward a year, and I stupidly went through his emails as I'd always had my suspicions of this woman. In it I found numerous emails from her aggressively (VERY, VERY aggressively) sexually perusing him during the time of our relationship, prior to our "break". There was no response from him, aside from one, days before our "break" (I feel so juvenile for even USING this term, never mind how stupid I feel for agreeing to the damn thing in the first place) replying with mundane mentions of the weather, the tediousness of his job, but ending with "see you soon".

 

I am livid. I am disgusted thinking of him sleeping with her.

It is the deliberateness of the whole thing that hurts me the most. The desire to have sex with other people seems to be the primary motivation for our “break” (which in itself implies that there will be a reconciliation, and not a “break up” in which there is no explicit expectation of reunion). It is more than coincidental that this woman pursues him aggressively for the months we were together, he planned to meet her, and mere days after leaving he ran straight into her bed.

 

It is clear to me that he took this "break" (ugh that damn word again!) with the sole intention of having sex with her, but he refuses to see my point, or even acknowledge why I *might* be upset by this.

 

It would have been more honest to simply break up with me, or discuss sleeping with other people with me, than disguise his motivations as "figuring us out" when in reality he just wanted to **** this girl.

 

Thoughts? Anyone in a similar situation? I need a little insight here:confused:

Edited by tangerinetangerine
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

"Taking a break" means breaking up; i.e., no relationship hence no responsibilities to any other person.

 

You can't be mad if you unilaterally agreed to "take a break" because you agreed to not be in a relationship.

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

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damn!

I more than likely am irrationally angry at this moment (and I thank you for your reply). I legitimately thought others would agree with me. Perhaps tomorrow when cooler heads avail my anger will be slight.

Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

Posted
Posted
damn!

I more than likely am irrationally angry at this moment (and I thank you for your reply). I legitimately thought others would agree with me. Perhaps tomorrow when cooler heads avail my anger will be slight.

 

Don't feel bad about how you feel. There are plenty of people who would feel the way you are feeling.

 

I think there's a big difference between breaking so that the dumper can have sex with someone new. And breaking up because something is not working and the dumper ending up having sex with someone. I can get past the latter, but I'm not sure about the former...

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Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

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You're not being irrational, it's perfectly fine that it would piss you off. Sure he was free to do what he wanted to do during the break but it damn sure doesn't excuse the fact that they were talking while you guys were still together.

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

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Thanks everyone.

 

I suppose I just wanted to feel I wasn't alone in being quite angry. Despite that, I realize there is no recourse, as we were on a "break" (can we just call it "less dishonest cheating" or "I-want-to-have-sex-with-other-people-but-I-know you-wouldn't-go-for-it-if-I-told-you-that-was-the-real-reason-so-I'll-just-CALL-it-a break?") :rolleyes:

 

I've just got to get over it now.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

I've just got to get over it now.

 

Or, break up with him completely and find someone who doesn't play these types of games...

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reddragon588 Established Member

reddragon588

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In a way, he did the right thing breaking it off when he knew he wanted to sleep with someone else.

 

At the same time, he basically only did it so that he could defend himself as "not cheating". He never really intended on leaving you, he just wanted to hook up with this girl and tried to find a way to rationalize it to himself as not cheating.

 

So yeah, I'd be pretty mad too.

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tangerinetangerine Member

tangerinetangerine

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I agree! It's pretty gross.

 

My choices are to get over IT, or get over HIM.

Edited by tangerinetangerine
Fashiongal Member

Fashiongal

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Did he tell you he had slept with her before you got back together?

Fashiongal Member

Fashiongal

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I wouldn't be with him. 1st off he was dishonest in not telling you about her emails whether he responded or not. 2nd he should only want to be with you. 3rd I wouldn't be able to touch him again after that. He doesn't respect you.

candie13 Established Member

candie13

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Actually, no, that is just a technicality. If you had broken up for real, him telling you he does not see a future with you, you breaking up with him and not calling him your bf anymore, yes. If you sleep with someone AFTER you've broken up, that would be acceptable.

 

IF you are taking a BREAK, no, it means you are still together and thinking about your relationship, maybe going out a lot more, maybe flirting because you need a confidence boost. NOT kissing and NOT having sex.

 

If I were you, I would consider ending the relationship. If it's too difficult, do the same. Look him in the eyes and tell him you need a BREAK because he disgusted you. Look him in the eyes and smile when you say that.

 

And get lost for 2 weeks. I mean totally lost.

 

See how he reacts. If he goes back to his sleeping around pattern... no, your thing was never solid so just leave. If he comes back begging and asking for forgiveness.. you can take it from there.

 

I'd bust his balls... I don't take cheating all that well ;). And make no mistakes, he cheated alright.

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Never Again Established Member

Never Again

Posted
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is a break not a kind way to break up?

 

Not always.

 

Sometimes, yes. Actually...usually, yes.

 

Every once in awhile, a break is used for someone to take care of personal things, or evaluate their feelings on their own.

 

I'd honestly prefer if people used the idea of "taking a break" more often. If a doubt gets in a lingers, I know I'd rather someone be honest with me from the first instant they can articulate it and give them the space to assess. At best, it would provide the biggest chance for reconciliation. At worst, it gives the dumpee time to wean themselves off the relationship as well.

 

I guess that's opposed to the alternative, which is what I keep seeing and hearing: dumpers who pick up on an idea or feeling, mull it over while seeing if the problem magically "fixes" itself, emotionally disconnect from their partner before the break up to make it easier on themselves and THEN dropping the bomb.

Never Again Established Member

Never Again

Posted
Posted
Don't feel bad about how you feel. There are plenty of people who would feel the way you are feeling.

 

I think there's a big difference between breaking so that the dumper can have sex with someone new. And breaking up because something is not working and the dumper ending up having sex with someone. I can get past the latter, but I'm not sure about the former...

 

I'd agree with this. Honestly, even the latter can be difficult.

 

I've had ex's give me the "I just need to be single for a little while to figure things out", only to mystically find someone shortly thereafter.

 

At that point, it's a respect issue. It doesn't matter what the state of your relationship is - if you feel someone has been dishonest with you, you can feel justified in being angry.

LostOne1 Established Member

LostOne1

Posted
Posted
"Taking a break" means breaking up; i.e., no relationship hence no responsibilities to any other person.

 

You can't be mad if you unilaterally agreed to "take a break" because you agreed to not be in a relationship.

From my experience.. "taking a break" is the sign of I want to be or have sex with someone else. And it's a way to ease the guilt of feeling like they are cheating.

 

Trust me you don't want someone that can say something like this and put you through it.

 

Find someone that RESPECTS you enough to not make you 2nd best.

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candie13 Established Member

candie13

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taking a break is NOT breaking up. Taking a break is smth that people do to reconsider their thoughts, actions, behaviours, amend them and start all over again or decide to break up altogether.

 

It's a test period, indeed, but you are fully and 100% on relationship ground.

 

The break is about both partners in the relationship, an occasion to really really think about the relationship, to decide if there's anything worth saving or leave. If one of them does sleep around, then him or her already make up their mind and moved on. That is lying. And it is cheating. BOTH partners should be aware of that when that happens. It's only fair.

 

the only thing that sleeping while on a break does is that the partner knows that they are on shaky ground. Cheating still is a blow, in those conditions, because the break up talk and decision never took place. The "let's think about it" talk did.

Edited by candie13
LostOne1 Established Member

LostOne1

Posted
Posted
taking a break is NOT breaking up. Taking a break is smth that people do to reconsider their thoughts, actions, behaviours, amend them and start all over again or decide to break up altogether.

 

It's a test period, indeed, but you are fully and 100% on relationship ground.

 

The break is about both partners in the relationship, an occasion to really really think about the relationship, to decide if there's anything worth saving or leave. If one of them does sleep around, then him or her already make up their mind and moved on. That is lying. And it is cheating. BOTH partners should be aware of that when that happens. It's only fair.

 

the only thing that sleeping while on a break does is that the partner knows that they are on shaky ground. Cheating still is a blow, in those conditions, because the break up talk and decision never took place. The "let's think about it" talk did.

yeah.. but if a girl told me to take a break with us and was with someone else. To me that's NOT reconsidering anything?

 

How can your partner be reconsidering things? I would expect they would spend time with themselves and friends to think it over. Not go out and date and bang other people? That's more like a break up to me.

clementyne Established Member

clementyne

Posted
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Have some self-respect and kick him to the kerb! You deserve someone better, i.e. someone who's not gonna keep you on hold while he screws someone else!!

candie13 Established Member

candie13

Posted
Posted
yeah.. but if a girl told me to take a break with us and was with someone else.

 

That's cheating. Breaks are about the relationship, fixing it or giving up on it forever. Not about being allowed to have sex with other people

 

To me that's NOT reconsidering anything?

 

She's nor reconsidered a thing, she's enjoying her life without you in it.

 

How can your partner be reconsidering things? I would expect they would spend time with themselves and friends to think it over.

 

That is what an honest person would do, yes. That's the purpose of the break.

 

Not go out and date and bang other people?

Yeah, that's the moving on phase already.

 

That's more like a break up to me.

 

It is.

 

If they come back and say "hey, I did have sex with someone else while we were on a break, but .... we were on a break", then he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Dear OP, chances are you'd have dumped him, if you had found out about his sleeping around while "on a break". But he lied and made you waste another year, in the process. You say you're long distance and you only found out because of the emails. You trust him? You're sure that once he realized that he would not get caught, he did not sleep around some more?

 

Really... liar and cheater... I'd say yeah, get mad but most importantly, move on and dump his sorry arse.

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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erm I'd dump the dude for wanting a break so he can f*ck his ex. I mean...if he decides he wants to dip it in her again, will he ask for another break?

 

I mean it's all just really gross.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Or, break up with him completely and find someone who doesn't play these types of games...

 

 

 

Take this option^^^

 

 

Plenty of men who would not break up with you to have sex with another woman, before getting back together with you.

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Ireallydontknow Established Member

Ireallydontknow

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I too have fallen victim to that. Went on a break and after a whole day she bangs someone off facebook. I made sure to tell her I was staying committed to her during the break. With tears streaming down her face she said "So, am I."

 

The fact is everything was pre-meditated. The break is a period of the selfish to play around and make sure they can get what they want/need before coming back to their door mat. Even after the cheating I offered reconciliation, she didn't want it, she found her new love. I'm not sure it would of worked. Life there would of been hell and the stress caused me to lose my job.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Op I hope you do not take him back after he's treated you this poorly. If you do take him back he will know he can get away with anything when it comes to you.

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Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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To clarify , when you are in a break, you are NOT together. I don't know how some one could agree to a break and then get mad when this happens. I understand the jealousy, but if I dig a hole, I can only be mad at myself if I fall Into it.

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Fufu Established Member

Fufu

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Posted

He did it.........and he will do it again and again and again.

 

Yup saying "taking a break" is like the friendlier meaning of "I'm breaking up with you"

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