How long does this take?

[GeorgiaP]

*This turned out a lot longer than I anticipated, sorry*

 

10 year relationship, ended due to his cheating and abuse and drinking. I have been so broken hearted and it is like nothing has changed in 10 months- I feel exactly the same as I did, but I am too tired to cry about it now.

 

I see him around sometimes, and two weeks in a row out with his stupid girlfriend, and it is like being stabbed in the heart.

 

What is weird is, I don't want him back- Not like he is. He would need help for his drinking and abuse- But I spent my "good years" with him and I feel like now I am too old to find love again, or have a family and kids.

 

Maybe that is my hang up, that I am convinced that 34 is too old to start over. I am about 2.5 years away from being too old to get pregnant- Say what you will, but I work in OBGYN and I know the risks of getting pregnant after 37.

 

I don't see how it is possible to find a relationship, develop it, get married, and start a family in that amount of time. I know people who have... And they are all divorced. Every last one.

 

I am thinking about sending back the 4 things I held on to- The ring he gave me, 2 of his shirts and the file folder with all of our memories. I haven't yet because I love the ring, and the memories, and I am afraid that if I send them back he will throw it away, or give the ring to one of his other women. But if I hold on to them, how does that help? I love the ring especially, but it still embodies all the promises I thought we made to each other. It was a cheap thing, he spent $200 on it, but it meant- and I guess still means- The world to me.

 

I want to move. I want to run far away. I wish I could just have all the hurt washed away, and the memories taken away as well.

 

What do I do? How long does it take to get over this?

[Mr Scorpio]

What you do now depends on what you want to do now. Perhaps you are too old to find a new partner, get married, and give birth. Although I don't think it is too uncommon for folks our age to marry within one-year of meeting someone. So, it is possible.

 

But what are your reasons for wanting to do that? I assume to bring you happiness. If so, the good news is that you are never too old to experience happiness. If raising children is a priority for you, adoption is always an option. If birthing a child is a priority for you, you dont need a man for that these days.

 

As for the file folder and shirts? Burn them. The ring? Donate it.

[Renard99]

How do you know you're too old unless you've tried it?

 

As Mr Scorpio says, what you do now depends on how you think. If you think you're too old, then you are. If you think you can give another relationship a try, you probably will. Your actions tend to follow your thoughts.

 

Take the stereotypical "I'm fat" conversation. My girlfriend said that to me a couple of weeks ago whilst she looked in the mirror. Ok, so she may have put on a pound or two due to being laid up with a knee injury but she's not fat at all, in fact she's well within the range of what is medically considered 'healthy', but because she thought it, in her mind, she was 'fat'. Now that thought sparked her into action. She got a dieting app for her phone and started getting on the running machine or exercise bike a little more than she was........ and you know what, she lost the couple of pounds that she put on.

 

You also have to ask yourself what you want. Do you want the family and kids? I know you have knowledge in this area but you make it sound like it's a physical impossibility to have kids after 37. There are people out there that have kids after 37, and I should imagine they've been informed of the risks, but they've gone through with it because the want kids.

 

You've been given a blank slate so to speak.......What is it that you want from the rest of your life?

[GeorgiaP]

It is not medically impossibly to carry a child after 37, but I feel it is irresponsible to do so. Too many risks for both mother and child. I see it time and again, women who think the rules don't apply, or don't practice safe sex, and they have more miscarriages, children with disabilities, and life threatening concerns like eclampsia.

 

10 years of my life were devoted to making a life with this man, to building a home and becoming financially secure so that we could have the family and life we wanted. I am having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that he never actually loved me. I was "good enough" until something better came along.

 

I am angry. I know he did love me, once. I don't know if he just fell out of it, or if it is his drinking and mental health issues, but I know he no longer cares and his multitude of other women (old, ugly, dumb, every last one) prove that.

 

I just don't understand. There is no explanation and it hurts so much, especially when I see him out with one of his women. We were soul-mates. Perfect for each other, but he just stopped caring.

 

I have to give up, I am actively starting to seek employment and housing across the country because being here, seeing him, the memories... It is too much for me. I think about him the minute I wake up, I think about him daily, I cannot stop loving him or holding on to some hope that he will change his mind.

 

I am so angry, too. I feel quite unlike myself being so very angry. Maybe getting away from this state, away from the memories, away from him... I thought we were soul mates, we had this connection... I guess it was all me.

 

*sigh*

[Renard99]

I know it's hard, I'm not going to lie, but as someone who didn't get a reason as to why my ex left me, let me say that you need to try to stop analysing. (easier said than done, i know, but trust me)

 

I can see that you're doing it. In one breath you say that you know for a fact that "he never actually loved me", yet later you say "I know he did love me". Don't worry. I did the same thing. You're searching for explanations and scenarios that you can come to terms with.

 

My advice is to not look for a reason, instead try to just come to terms with the situation i.e he's gone. Anything else is just chasing your tail. Turning your thoughts around can help direct some of the pent up desire for answers in this situation too. For example, rather than think "I don't know why he left" say to yourself "Why do I want to be with someone who can't communicate?". Take my ex for example. When things got a little tough, she just bailed on me after 7 years without reason. Things got better for me when I flipped my thoughts and said to myself, 'why do I want to be with someone who bails out at the first sign of trouble?'

 

As for having kids, if you truly feel that you won't have a kid after 37, there's always adoption. I know that's not the same as carrying your own child but I use it purely as an example to illustrate that just because you've been dealt this bad hand, life doesn't have to end for you.

Edited October 4, 2013 by Renard99
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[lynn1954]

Hi, Georgia, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and sorry that you feel so sad.

 

How long does it take to get over this? When I feel sad, I like to hear inspirational stories about how other people's situations turned out okay. So, I'll tell you someone else's true story that will make you feel very hopeful.

 

My friend was literally your age 34 when her marriage ended, and I met her in a divorce support group. She was a basket case, totally depressed and feeling that she would never be a mom. At age 36, she met and married someone, she had her first baby at age 37, and her second baby at age 40. Today, at age 41 she has a happy marriage with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful daughters.

 

So, for now it's totally appropriate that you feel sad and pessimistic about your situation. When possible, think about my friend's story and try to alternate your sadness and worry with the thought that "I still have hope for future happiness".

[cavalier99]

That is BS that you are to old. 34 is still young.

 

As far as the healing process. Depends on you. I recovered from my 8 year RS with 7 months pure pure NC and now have a new GF.,

 

Im sure it could have taken much longer if i had been in contact. Also i really forced my self to be emotionally strong and just forget her. So id say you could recover pretty quickly if you put in the effort. I dont buy into the BS that the longer the relationship the longer it takes to recover. Cav

[GeorgiaP]

It has been no contact, except we live in areas very near each other and so I see him, always when we are driving our respective cars. It has happened frequently recently, but before last month I saw him twice in 8 months, same circumstances.

 

I feel old, and I feel scared. I am afraid to get close to someone again, and frankly, I don't see how I could find someone better than my ex (before his drinking problem, that is). I am sad and very, very angry still.

 

I know what people say about running from your problems, but I think this is a good reason to run like hell. I am looking to move 1977 miles away from here. Different by 2 time zones. It would be highly unlikely I would run into him, and it will be nice to have a fresh start.

 

As far as family... I get a lot of nasty crap from friends and family, who tell me how stupid I am and old fashioned in my views. I have no problems with single mothers or divorce (obviously, since I am divorced now), but for me, I want to mommy, daddy, two cats and a baby. I have always wanted that.

 

I actually have dated, but my heart aches so much. I try to redirect my thoughts, but it is hard. I go out with my friends, I go on business trips, but my life seems more dull now without him.

 

I am sure many people say this, but we really have/had? a connection. I knew when he was close, and he could never surprise me because I could feel it in my heart. Same with him. He would know, even when we were apart, that I was sad or angry or upset, and would send me random-seeming texts that were perfect for this situation. Late he would say, he just knew.

 

I am sure it seems silly, but even now I can feel it when he thinks of me. Like I am drawn to him still. It sounds crazy, but it is true. I cannot explain it. My grandparents had the same thing, but not my parents. No one I tell this to gets it, they think I'm imaging things.

 

I don't look at his FB- I actually blocked him there. Blocked on g-chat, and blocked on my cell on the off chance he tried to call.

 

Besides moving, I don't know how else to get over it. Each time I see him like I saw him yesterday, the pain comes rushing back. I need to just get away.