Are there any OW/OM actually HAPPY in their R?

[bentleychic]

We generally only see people coming on complaining or needing help getting out of an A or getting through a breakup with a MM/MW. Not always, but mostly. I'm curious if anyone is actually happy (even just mostly) in their relationship with their MM/MW? I don't post my own topics here much any more b/c I know if I share any happy news/happiness, I'll get bashed by many or told it's all a big lie, yadda, yadda or that I'm being flippant about my R, etc.

 

I'm not asking you to open yourself up to bashing by sharing details (though you're welcome to if you want to), but would like to know if people still come here that are happy/in love with the person that they are involved with.

[BrokenPrincess]

I felt completely flush with happiness in my A until DDay. But I didn't start posting here until I was absolutely devastated and shocked with nowhere to turn.

 

I hear you Bentley though...I can't imagine it would've been well-received if I posted pre DDay that I was a content, cake-eating OW with a sweet & considerate MM who respected and cared for me.

 

I don't think you're lying or flippant if you say you're happy. It can't be all doom & gloom or why would people start As to begin with? Just enjoy it while it lasts (and I will hope for your happy ending ), but it's very, very hard now to think back on how happy I was then with the horrible aftermath that just rocks you to the core when it comes crashing down.

[cif]

Not me. But i do know many people (unfortunately i think) in some type of A that are happy. Most just living the moment however ..not really in affair bubbles mentioned here. I live in nyc so not exactly morality central. People content in their situations usually don't seek out forums so that could be why we don't see many 'positive' posts.

[canuckprincess]

I was very happy in my affair before mm told his wife about our relationship. Now I'm just tired of the lies, I just want my mm to be honest with both of us. That will never happen.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think the only way one can be truly "happy" in the dynamic of an A is for the individual(s) involved to be type that is a"live for the day" type. I mean how can one truly be happy and content knowing that somewhere(on either side) someone is being hurt at the expense of your happiness?. It just takes all of the air out of the whole deal.

 

Im not saying this is the case with anyone here, but in life I have found there are two types of people..One type doesnt care about anyone but themselves and the other has compassion and concern for how thier actions affect others. Lets just say if you are involved in an affair, you are going to have far less remorse and be much more content if you are the type that thinks of themselves.

 

Even though I wasnt an OM, but speaking from the other side of the fence all I can say is that i was never really happy, nor should I have been.. I cared deeply for her, but those feelings were always dampened every day I was involved. The feelings ranged from utter remorse, to a feeling as though I was deceptive, like I was "getting away with something"..Lets face it..Its a hell of a way to go about your daly life. I would imagine an unattached OW/OM would have less of this type of weight to carry, they still have to consider the MM/MW's BS and the thought that their MM/MW might be having these feelings as mentioned. Its like you can never be ":relaxed"...Like you are living your life with your head in a guillotine-waiting for the rope to be cut. Again, its no way to live. Life is hard enough when everything is ideal.

 

At the end of the day, if you are happy, I guess thats good for you..Sorry in advance to the OP for the alternate perspective.

 

TFY

Edited October 4, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Got it]

I felt completely flush with happiness in my A until DDay. But I didn't start posting here until I was absolutely devastated and shocked with nowhere to turn.

 

I hear you Bentley though...I can't imagine it would've been well-received if I posted pre DDay that I was a content, cake-eating OW with a sweet & considerate MM who respected and cared for me.

 

I don't think you're lying or flippant if you say you're happy. It can't be all doom & gloom or why would people start As to begin with? Just enjoy it while it lasts (and I will hope for your happy ending ), but it's very, very hard now to think back on how happy I was then with the horrible aftermath that just rocks you to the core when it comes crashing down.

 

Thank you! This is the huge difference between this site and others. I actually came here first when the affair first started but after reading the scathing comments to people (it was even more Wild West then) I quickly realized this was not the community for me and kept searching. I was very happy in my affair and I wanted to get support that didn't dictate that the only solution was breaking up. I had no interest in that.

 

So I found another site that worked for me, read here occasionally, and didn't start posting here regularly until a year or so ago. I want to be able to help lend a voice that it isn't all doom and gloom. I am very pragmatic about it and I don't believe it is all unicorns and rainbows but it wasn't worst thing either. There were a lot of fantastic moments and while I have zero interest in another affair (I was only in it because of him) I was a very happy and loved up mistress.

 

Shoot, I can say that the mistress was allowed far more meltdown leeway than wife status is. Or he is used to me.

[Diana123]

There are some good people here who give constructive advice. But definitely some who almost seem to take delight in trying to make people feel even worse about themselves.

I would never have dreamed in a million years I would end up in my current situation, getting involved with a MM. I'm not young. I'm not stupid. But I did.

No-one really understands what it is like unless you have been there. I would never have understood before why people do this. Maybe I would have been more harsh and judgemental in the past.

Most posters here seem fully aware it was wrong to get involved, most posters want to end it. Most posters are asking for help to change their situation.

If someone replies saying basically my god you are crazy blah blah blah and just get out of it, that is no help at all. We all know this! It is support to get out of it we are after.

Same way though in the end if someone is happy in their situation I would n o longer judge them.

In the end we don't know anyone's full story. People don't post here because it is Facebook,and they are updating their status.

They post here for advice, and yes that does also involve criticism, but attacking people for anything is the wrong place to go about it.

[Goodbye]

I was deeply in love with my exMM. We are very compatible people, we've known each other since 19. I absolutely loved the time I spent with him. If he'd come clean earlier, I would have spent my life with him. That isn't how it went, and well...I've told my story a million times so I'll spare all of you.

 

I hate it when people saunter over here from the Infidelity section and constantly refer to the OW as choosing to "Bang," or "Hump" the AP. You know what? We did have a deeply connected, loving and passionate relationship. It is probably easier for some to think their BS's were "banging" the OW...in my case, that wasn't so. Yes, yes...perhaps it was in the context of the "affair bubble," but it was loving, nonetheless. If it was just a "romp in the sack" I'd be over it and not still here processing the end of the R 6 months later.

[bentleychic]

I won't say I'm blissfully happy. Of course there are ups and downs, most relationships have those. I am fully cognizant of what we are doing and the possible fall out. HOWEVER, yes, at this point in time, we're at a good place together.

 

Some day, whether we make it out of this together or apart, I will share the details here that I've never shared. (I have not shared them simply b/c it is unlike any that I have read here and I would not want either to come across my posts and know it was me.) I'm sure no matter what the end result, I will be told it was all lies and future faking, but I suppose the outcome will be the true decider of that.

[LilGirlandOW]

Most days, I'm happy with our R.

 

That being said, there are good and bad days. That no matter what terms, timelines, or ultimatums are in place your partner still lives a double life..... unless you think nothing of yourself that can be tough gauging your status on your AP totem pole. Speculating the antics and gaslighting that must occur for your AP to keep up with the R's independent of eachother. Knowing that most (M)AP's are actually sitting on some cushy fence, cake eating until they get full bellies and are content enough to choose where to rest their case, or cake eating until their 30 day, 90 day, 6mnth, year long timeline expires.... this isnt always the case, but often enough it must play with every OW's head at some point.

 

Are you completely happy Bentley?

[legalgirl]

I'm happy if I don't analyze and think about things and just be content with it. It I start over-analyzing, thinking he will never leave, thinking why the hell am I doing this, then no I am not. Like this weekend is the "big race" and I should be there with him, but of course I am not. So this morning I am just generally ticked off and ask myself why I continue to do this to myself!

[cocorico]

We generally only see people coming on complaining or needing help getting out of an A or getting through a breakup with a MM/MW. Not always, but mostly. I'm curious if anyone is actually happy (even just mostly) in their relationship with their MM/MW? I don't post my own topics here much any more b/c I know if I share any happy news/happiness, I'll get bashed by many or told it's all a big lie, yadda, yadda or that I'm being flippant about my R, etc.

 

I'm not asking you to open yourself up to bashing by sharing details (though you're welcome to if you want to), but would like to know if people still come here that are happy/in love with the person that they are involved with.

 

I did not come to LS because I was unhappy as an OW, and I did not come seeking advice on how to escape being one. But that did not stop many others from assuming that that must be the case - after all, according to Those Who Drink The Kool Aid, only broken women with low self esteem become OW, As are always toxic for everyone involved and since he lies all the time to everyone including you, the only possible outcome is heartbreak all round.

 

I did not believe that then, and I still don't. I was happy as an OW, I was happy as his GF and I'm happy as his W.

 

Happy threads do attract a good deal of hostility, particularly from the betrayed who consider APs' happiness to be a personal affront, and feel the need to piss on your chips to remind you that their morality is offended by your lack of overt misery. And while I agree that it is likely to be distressing for a betrayed spouse to read about how well another's spouse is treating their extramarital lover, and how happy the APs are, I find it strange that people who can reasonably guess that such threads would upset them nonetheless choose to read them and to inflict that pain on themselves. Still, to each their own.

[cif]

Happy threads do attract a good deal of hostility, particularly from the betrayed who consider APs' happiness to be a personal affront, and feel the need to piss on your chips to remind you that their morality is offended by your lack of overt misery. And while I agree that it is likely to be distressing for a betrayed spouse to read about how well another's spouse is treating their extramarital lover, and how happy the APs are, I find it strange that people who can reasonably guess that such threads would upset them nonetheless choose to read them and to inflict that pain on themselves. Still, to each their own.

 

Each time I write about the BW stating the truth about her character (lack of) I get chewed up and spit out... and the reason I'm hesitant to write my story on here. It's as if you are a BS you are automatically lifted up to the heavens and should not be criticized. Everything wrong in their M was on me when all it would take for me to be having sex on her bed within the hour is a text to her H. Certainly I am not what's wrong with their R.

[ladydesigner]

Each time I write about the BW stating the truth about her character (lack of) I get chewed up and spit out... and the reason I'm hesitant to write my story on here. It's as if you are a BS you are automatically lifted up to the heavens and should not be criticized. Everything wrong in their M was on me when all it would take for me to be having sex on her bed within the hour is a text to her H. Certainly I am not what's wrong with their R.

 

Really because I never feel like that.

 

You are right cif in that it is not you that is what is wrong with their R it is the WS.

 

And that little jab about being able to text and have him on her bed... classy

[cif]

Really because I never feel like that.

 

You are right cif in that it is not you that is what is wrong with their R it is the WS.

 

And that little jab about being able to text and have him on her bed... classy

 

Exactly what I meant.

[bentleychic]

I would dearly love if this thread does not become yet another BS vs OW/OM thread. THAT is why I hesitate to post threads here at all any more.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I was deeply in love with my xmom as well - and he was with me - our mutual attraction went back many years - but the timing was horrible obviously. I was ecstatic and happy when I was with him, but I hated the deception and the undercover living - it was horrible,

 

I never want to return to that way of life.

[Patrice]

I would never return ... healed and over it. Done with the duplicity, done with it all. Still look for an understanding of what led me there at all .. chalk it up, to being vulnerable at the time ... and done, with his abuse after I refused to engage with him again ... enough said.

[thecharade]

I was very unhappy, not really at him or his BS or even myself, but unhappy that there could be no solution that didn't bring someone pain. I just hated that reality.

 

It is very unfortunate that OW/OM can't share more openly without the bashing. Some posters are like trolls, attempting to derail any thread. I think they figure, "It's at least some revenge, to ruin their little conversations!" I guess I get it, but it seems such a waste of their energy. I focus on posts that are helpful or supportive or enlightening. I have no idea what the negative posters say as I keep those members blocked. It makes for peaceful, easy reading.

[Daisy2013]

I was, I would have hung the moon for him, or died trying. I was deeply in love and he brought me such joy. Without him now, I still struggle. I'm empty inside and feel lost. Guilt got the best of him, or else he just tired of me, so now we are just friends, his decision. I wanted all of him, in a real R, but would have settled for what he could give.

 

These days though, I find myself tiring of our friendship. Since our friend zone at the end of July, he calls once a week to check in, tell me he is miserable, misses me, but we have to honor our previous commitments. If I ask him if he will call again that week, he says he doesn't know, depends on his mood, etc. I'm not feeling important to him. Also, he is 56 (I am 45) and he doesn't want a 3rd divorce, so refuses to leave. Last week, I got frustrated and told him to stop saying all of that, that I felt he hit on me and used me until things got better in his M, then ditched me. He got upset, raised his voice, telling me that wasn't true, that he was miserable, loved me, and always would. I'm not happy anymore and I'm not sure I can remain his friend.

 

So yes, I was.

[HopingAgain]

I did not come to LS because I was unhappy as an OW, and I did not come seeking advice on how to escape being one. But that did not stop many others from assuming that that must be the case - after all, according to Those Who Drink The Kool Aid, only broken women with low self esteem become OW, As are always toxic for everyone involved and since he lies all the time to everyone including you, the only possible outcome is heartbreak all round.

 

I did not believe that then, and I still don't. I was happy as an OW, I was happy as his GF and I'm happy as his W.

 

Happy threads do attract a good deal of hostility, particularly from the betrayed who consider APs' happiness to be a personal affront, and feel the need to piss on your chips to remind you that their morality is offended by your lack of overt misery. And while I agree that it is likely to be distressing for a betrayed spouse to read about how well another's spouse is treating their extramarital lover, and how happy the APs are, I find it strange that people who can reasonably guess that such threads would upset them nonetheless choose to read them and to inflict that pain on themselves. Still, to each their own.

 

I don't think it's very difficult at all for an OW to be happy. The head in the clouds, delirious feeling from an affair usually lasts the duration of the affair.

 

There are times though, when I chuckle mirthlessly reading this board and seeing the animosity towards BSs in general, particularly from the OW turned wives on the board. There really is no dividing line once you have experienced an affair from different angles and playing a different position. The titles all start to lose their meaning in the situation after awhile as you realize its ALL a part of the same mind****. It's so ironic to me that the women who clamor to become wives, not just OW to these MM show so much vitriol towards women in general whose shoes they could one day be filling as well.

[bentleychic]

It's so ironic to me that the women who clamor to become wives, not just OW to these MM show so much vitriol towards women in general whose shoes they could one day be filling as well.

 

Seriously? Generally, it seems the vitriol is mostly pointed FROM the BS to the OW/OM on these forums. Not always, but more times than the reverse. (I know there are a few OW that participate in that type of post, but not most here.) I've been tempted a few times to respond in kind to the attitude, but I have absolutely positively no ill will to any BS except those that make it their mission to take out their anger on any OW/OM as if we are THEIR OW/OM.

Edited October 4, 2013 by bentleychic

[MissBee]

Each time I write about the BW stating the truth about her character (lack of) I get chewed up and spit out... and the reason I'm hesitant to write my story on here. It's as if you are a BS you are automatically lifted up to the heavens and should not be criticized. Everything wrong in their M was on me when all it would take for me to be having sex on her bed within the hour is a text to her H. Certainly I am not what's wrong with their R.

 

I am not a BS and when I was an OW I never talked about the BS. I didn't know her like that. I guess I don't see what a thread about your happiness has to do with the BS. It's always odd when you can't just be happy but after each sentence you have to diss the BS (not you personally, you plural) or bring this person up at all. I mean I guess in an affair, as much as some would say the BS doesn't exist for them, they actually focus on this person a great deal...as why else would talking about them be relevant to your happiness.

 

To the original question though:

 

I'm not an OW anymore. When I was, I wasn't on forums discussing it. This isn't a slight at those who are, but for me, I just never really sought that out or felt I needed a space to vent or talk etc. I think happiness and contentment are different. Contentment is a general feeling of well-being and peace of mind that is more enduring while happiness is a mood, like sadness, that is transient. You can be content with your life/relationship and experience happiness and sadness, anger and a full range of emotions. So for me, I wasn't content with the A situation although I experienced periods of happiness. No matter how happy I was, what was missing was a general satisfaction and comfort with being in an A. Hence, I wasn't a "Happy OW" as that for me implies being exactly where you want to be and relishing in that situation and wanting nothing to change. That wasn't my outlook. I was happy sometimes, but sooner or later I would be unhappy and most times all arguments, discomfort, anxieties stemmed from the fact, which never went away which was that it was an A and not at all the best I could do. So happy...happy is a mood for me and I experienced lots of happiness but I was never truly at peace and satisfied like yess I can be in this scenario forever.

Edited October 5, 2013 by MissBee

[Phoe]

I have been involved TWICE now in an emotional affair... not sure if you'd even call it an affair seeing as he's not married, just has a long term girlfriend.

 

HE makes me happy. Happier than any other person on this entire planet. Just standing in an empty parking lot next to him, chatting, is the happiest I've been all year. Hugging him goodbye and feeling his entire body shaking like a leaf and his heart pounding out of his chest against me... it makes my heart ache and swell up with so many emotions feeling likee I'm ready to explode.

 

 

 

 

Yet I'm torn apart inside and depressed by the situation. HE makes me happy, the fact that I cannot be with him rips me apart.

 

 

 

 

And I already cut him off once... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. 9 months later he contacts me and my resolve didn't last one bit. My walls crumbled and I welcomed him back into my life, and in doing so, welcomed back the pain that had at least been muted by having him gone from my life...

 

 

 

 

This won't end well for me.

[anne1707]

Seriously? Generally, it seems the vitriol is mostly pointed FROM the BS to the OW/OM on these forums. Not always, but more times than the reverse. (I know there are a few OW that participate in that type of post, but not most here.) I've been tempted a few times to respond in kind to the attitude, but I have absolutely positively no ill will to any BS except those that make it their mission to take out their anger on any OW/OM as if we are THEIR OW/OM.

 

As a fWS and therefore the real bad guy in the affair triangle plus neutral to the BS vs OW/OM argument, I can quite clearly state that I see a few posters on both "sides" posting insulting, degrading comments about the other. Some do it blatantly and some do it in a quiet underhand way. I also see that most on both sides do not do all that attacking etc though I do think the accusations like "its all from them and not from us" is actually as good as an attack.

 

I really do think that the best thing to do is not participate in the attacks and to also not make accusations. Just ignore or if it breaches site terms, report it.

 

T/j over