moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 So...If you are in a relationship with a guy, he is supportive, caring, loving, puts you first for everything and generally makes you feel safe and secure...but, you aren't really into the sex/feeling like you want to tear his clothes off every time you see him. What do you need first in a relationship? Do a bunch of great qualities make up for a mediocre sex life? Ever had a great sex but the rest wasn't there? What's most important to you? What is the balance? What do you seek? Discuss!
Phantom888 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 This doesn't just apply to ladies only, though I'm sure you want comments from ladies only. As a man, I know this is a big issue because physical compatibility and emotional attachment are actually linked. You can't have one without the other for a healthy long term relationship. They are equally important. Otherwise it's not a real relationship, but rather just friends (emotional attachments without physical) and Casual hookup (physical attractiveness without emotional). Wouldn't you want someone you can be attracted to on both fronts? Why settle? The fact that you don't feel instant physical attraction is your body telling you the chemistry isn't there. Though it can develop over time, it is just not there now. It's up to you to decide if he is worth the time investment.
elmichi Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 This doesn't just apply to ladies only, though I'm sure you want comments from ladies only. As a man, I know this is a big issue because physical compatibility and emotional attachment are actually linked. You can't have one without the other for a healthy long term relationship. They are equally important. Otherwise it's not a real relationship, but rather just friends (emotional attachments without physical) and Casual hookup (physical attractiveness without emotional). Wouldn't you want someone you can be attracted to on both fronts? Why settle? The fact that you don't feel instant physical attraction is your body telling you the chemistry isn't there. Though it can develop over time, it is just not there now. It's up to you to decide if he is worth the time investment. I dated a guy for 2.5 years with no real physical connection.. partly because of me (never had any sort of orgasm) and partly because he was a virgin. If he had not ended up a cheater (talking/kissing other girls) we would have stayed together. His intelligence, attractiveness, and ability to be fun most of the time (he had his flaws too) were enough for me. Like I said though, I have never had that "moment" with any guy so I don't know if it's a fair comparison.. although I will say I have actually felt more with other guys than I did with him.
HokeyReligions Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 This doesn't just apply to ladies only, though I'm sure you want comments from ladies only. As a man, I know this is a big issue because physical compatibility and emotional attachment are actually linked. You can't have one without the other for a healthy long term relationship. They are equally important. Otherwise it's not a real relationship, but rather just friends (emotional attachments without physical) and Casual hookup (physical attractiveness without emotional). Wouldn't you want someone you can be attracted to on both fronts? Why settle? The fact that you don't feel instant physical attraction is your body telling you the chemistry isn't there. Though it can develop over time, it is just not there now. It's up to you to decide if he is worth the time investment. I somewhat disagree. My husband and I are totally in love. We still receive comments from people thinking we've only been together a short time becausr we laugh and joke with other and don't shy away from public displays of affection. Just today we were joking around and holding hands in the doctors waiting room and the nurse asked how long we'd been married and was very surprised when the answe was over 27 years. We have been celibate around 20 years. We love each other more each day. I never imagined I could love so deeply or be loved so completely. I'll be honest - it was not easy. We did have problems and there was a time it almost broke us but we made a choice and worked on it and now, this may sound conceited, I read some other posts or talk with others about their happy marriages and I think to myself "they have no idea what a truly deep love is" because I feel like we have transcended beyond the traditional. It was a choice and I had to decide if I wanted to follow it. Later when hubby became disabled I didn't have to suddenly deal with that loss. In group counseling there were couples who had to deal with this along with the medical problems. So for us the emotional connection is primary and not necessarily linked permanently.
todreaminblue Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 So...If you are in a relationship with a guy, he is supportive, caring, loving, puts you first for everything and generally makes you feel safe and secure...but, you aren't really into the sex/feeling like you want to tear his clothes off every time you see him. What do you need first in a relationship? Do a bunch of great qualities make up for a mediocre sex life? Ever had a great sex but the rest wasn't there? What's most important to you? What is the balance? What do you seek? Discuss! i think you can make mediocre sex into great sex but you cant make a mediocre person into a great person.....a persons traits are unique great sex is not unique......deb 3
Dying on the Vine Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I understand EXACTLY what you are saying - and oddly I am currently in that exact situation. For the first time in my life (48 years) I have a wonderful man (43) who takes care of me better then anyone else in my life ever has. His number one mission to is to make me happy and to make sure that I have nothing to worry about - my EVERY NEED AND WANT is met by him - all except my sexual needs. My sex drive is 100x what his is and this discrepancy is currently causing some problems between us. I feel neglected and he feels like a failure in that area and like he's letting me down. Neither one of us feels good about it. It is an odd set of feelings - to feel so completely taken care of - and so completely neglected all at the same time. It may be difficult for me - however there is a lot more to life then sex - and he is a lot more to me then just a penis. And I don't care how great the sex is - if the rest of your relationship is crappy - then you've got nothing to build on and work with. But if the rest of your relationship is awesome and you're safe and secure - and loved - then you can work on improving your sex life. I've had great sex in a really bad relationship before - and now I have a really great relationship with not so great sex - and I can honestly say - having sat on both sides of that fence now - that I would MUCH RATHER have a great relationship and work towards having a great sex life. And I can definitely tell you that I would much rather spend my extra time and energy on improving our sex life then on trying to fix all of the other relationship issues that couples can have. Lol yup I'd much rather focus on improving our sex life - it's a fun thing to focus on and it can be a lot of fun "practicing" till we get it right. I'm not saying that having incompatibility issues in the bedroom is any fun - but if you have to concentrate and focus your time and energy towards improving an area of your relationship that is lacking - then I'd much rather have it be sex - then any other area of a relationship - like abusive language or behaviour - bad finances etc. I've sat on both sides of that relationship fence - and I would much rather have a man who wasn't perfect in the bedroom - but was my Hero and Prince in every other room!! 1
Author moveONorStay Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 i think you can make mediocre sex into great sex but you cant make a mediocre person into a great person.....a persons traits are unique great sex is not unique......deb This is such a great post...just about sums it up.
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