Is she ? Does she have the G.I.G.S.? Does she just not love me anymore...

October 4, 2013

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible (I'm guessing it will still be really long, but please read because I would like to listen to any advice anybody is willing to give me.)

I'm going through a really hard time right now.

Last Wednesday, I lost my first love. Maybe even my first TRUE love. (After almost 3 years) I haven't really even had all that luck with relationships. This was one was special (for a while) I think at the end of it all...we were both just holding on to something that was no longer there.

Anyway, we started dating in November 2010. Things were great. She was awesome and I finally felt the "in love" feeling that I have never felt in my life. She is way younger than me. She was almost 18 when we started dating and I was 23. ( Ouch.) I guess you could say, I should have saw this one coming.

But there was just something about this relationship that was so cool. Of course, the great made memories, and the infatuation of love and all that goodness including future plans of marriage and having children, etc. that is included in relationships was included in ours... so I'm not going to go into detail about all of those.

We have been through A LOT as a couple.

When we first met even up to a full year, I wasn't where I should have been in my life. I should have been graduated from college and on with my career by this point. However, I was at a stage in my life where I just didn't know what to do or what I wanted to do. I smoked a lot of pot and was even into some heavier drugs.

I immediately started going back to community college the following semester and was doing awesome! Better than I ever had in college. I stopped smoking pot and stopped the other drugs around the 2nd month that we were together.

It was around the summer of 2011 where things started getting rough with us (as far as being in love goes) You see, her parents didn't have all that much money to support her on any college decision, so she had to go to college 4 1/2 hours away from me. I was so damn scared at first... but we made it work. For 1 1/2 years we made it work. We felt that, if we can get through this long distance, we can get through anything. It was the Summer of 2011 where we started fighting a lot. It used to just be me being insecure and getting upset over little things that just didn't matter... but then it turned into her. It was a complete reversal.

She was young, so of course she demanded attention and if she didn't get it a fight or argument would break out... or she would just ignore me to let me know that I had done something wrong. When we started fighting like this, it was so easy to make up. All I had to do was drive to her house or she drove to my apartment and we would apologize and be totally fine. Once the Long distance started, it just wasn't that easy. She would hang up the phone or skype and then shut hers off or ignore my calls and texts. It drove me absolutely crazy.

Maybe around this time... I should have just ended it. But I loved her way too much for that. Like I said, we thought we could get through anything together. So the long distance continued... stupid little fights persisted...even turned into big fights. I mean these fights were ****ing routine. Even emotionally draining to me. The last thing that I wanted to do was fight with this girl. Anyway, after a 1 1/2 and 3 times of being rejected, I finally got my GPA enough to get accepted into the same university that she was in! We were finally going to be together again and not apart! I moved down last January and the first two months were amazing!

However, I noticed some changes. Both in me and in her. She became really huge into feminism. Like really huge. i thought that it was just going to be one of those stages but it just kept getting worse as time progressed. The fights got extremely more heated. ( I strongly believe in Gender Equality... and that is something HUGE when arguing with your feminist girlfriend) Anyway, break ups from her were threatened about three times. Each and every time I acted like a scared little bitch.

Begged with her... pleaded with her to not leave me. I even said things like "How could you do this to me? I moved all the way here to be with you and you're just going to abandon me here? I'm going to be so alone." Yeah, not good. In my rage of emotions I guess you could say that I "guilt tripped" her into staying with me. ( Which was exactly what she said when we broke up.) But if that were the case... she still had her own mind... she could still have ended it, correct?

Anyway, moving along, we stayed together. She started changing a lot more. She told me that she was "bi curious"... she started becoming attracted to her own sex. Saying things like how gorgeous miley cyrus is etc. When we would go out to the bars... she would always end up dancing with girls on the stage. Of course at the time... I didn't really look that far into it. Girls dance with girls all the time...etc.

It was when she cut her hair exactly like Miley that got me. I even told her at one point that: I don't think it's fair to her to be with me if she's having these feelings towards her own sex. If she wants to go out and explore those things then we shouldn't be together and I shouldn't be the person holding her back. She told me that she wants to be with me...that shes into this. So we stayed together.

Fast forward to 2 Fridays ago. We had plans to go out on a date. **** just felt weird. I don't think I was into this anymore. ( Looking back at everything now. At the time I didn't know what the hell my thoughts or feelings meant)

I sat across from her in the waiting area instead of by her... it didn't really feel all that romantic. Even though, during dinner, she did lean into me and kiss me and smile. When we got back, we watched a movie (while waiting for the movie we were planning on seeing at the Student Center to start.)

After the movie... she seemed really distant. She said she started having anxiety. So I started to comfort her. While I was comforting her she said: " Something doesn't feel right with us."

I was in shock.

I let her continue to talk.

She said that this feels more like a friendship than a romance.

She said: I don't want to break up because I love you but I do think we need to take a break for a month.

I was the one who suggested breaking up multiple times but she kept saying no.

But she kept saying things that were break up lines:

"I don't think I can marry you right now. I'm only almost 21 and I really don't know what I want."

"I've been in relationships a lot in my life and I don't really know what it feels like to be single."

"I feel like you have forced this relationship for the past two years because you thought we wouldn't make it long distance." ( I didn't think we would...but at the same time neither did she. She said things to me in the past like: "I need you here." "Things will be so much better when you're here." So that was on both of us)

We agreed to go no contact during the break until somebody decided they wanted to talk to the other person. She then asked me if she needed to call somebody for a ride home. I told her that I would take her. When we got to her parking lot I looked at her in tears and said "I love you." she told me that "You know that I love you." We kissed and she got out of the car.

Not even five days go by, I was feeling so ****ty...I missed her so much. ( Did I really miss her or did I just miss the concept of her? Did I just miss what was comfortable?)

Anyway, I broke the contact...and texted her. I pretty much told her that I'm trying to respect her space and privacy but I feel like I may be holding onto false hope. I told her that I missed her and I asked her for closure and on where we stand as a couple.

She told me that she missed me, too. but, she missed me as a friend and not a boyfriend and she was confused. She said that she wanted me to be happy and it's not fair for me to wait for her. I told her that she is what makes me happy and that I have no problem with waiting. When she finally was done beating around the bush, she finally texted me: "Alex, I can't be with you. I just can't." That hit hard. Everything just shattered right in front of me. I just responded, Okay, I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you have an amazing life. She then called me in tears and asked me to come over. For some damn reason I thought that we could make this work, that maybe she wants me to fight for her.

Once I get out of the car, she comes up to me crying and saying "Please be my best friend! I don't want to lose this companionship with you, and I don't have any friends down here." I obviously told her that I couldn't do that

right now. We ended up talking for over an hour....I became more terrified to leave her apartment. I was scared of the world that was waiting for me. When I got up, finally ready to leave, she hugged me...then tried to kiss me. Saying " One more." I just couldn't do it. . The next day I found out that she had went to a few Frat parties with her bisexual friend. I found out the hard way by being an idiot and looking at her twitter page and seeing a picture of the two of them...the picture seriously looked like they were together, and it really hurt me. Anyway, fast forward two days later. I have a few more things to return to her. I knocked on her door. She opened it. I gave it to her.

I turned my back to walk away and she asked me if I wanted to talk. I lost it man. I started crying hard. So, once again, we talk for over an hour. She knows that I'm hurt and heart broken... but she was only hurt when she thought of losing me as a friend. It killed me to know that she is already in the process of moving on. For some stupid reason, I tried to be her friend that night. To hang out with her as a friend. We went out to a spot that I had just recently found on the two days prior. So that spot is now ruined for me as of right now. When we got back and I dropped her off, things just got horrible for me. I was wanting to kiss her and tell her goodnight and I love you...just like before. I told her this in tears.

She leaned over to me...and said: "It get's Better." (Seriously?!) Then we agreed to watch the series finale of Breaking Bad the following Sunday. ( We have watched every season together ) and we would just see where it goes from there. I was hurting all day Sunday. I couldn't get her out of my head. However, I felt that I was finally ready to "let go of her". I was torn between texting her this... or saying it in person. I didn't want to have any regrets. I did both. I sent her a long, emotional text... saying things how I just can't be her friend right now, telling her that this relationship is completely over and that I finally accept it... and that I'm ready to let go of you. She responded with: "I'm not over you. 3 years is a long time and it packs a lot of memories. I won't be okay for a long time. I'm not looking for anybody and I don't want to be with anybody right now. (I don't know if I can believe the fact that she isn't over me...because the last two times I saw her...it looked that way.

I was in tears and hurt talking to her and the only time she cried was when she feared we wouldn't be friends.) I just want to do my own thing for awhile. If we ever meet again, I hope that it's a beautiful thing. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I'm afraid of being alone." I asked her: By hanging out with me and having me around as a friend, will that help you get over me quicker? She just said, I don't know! I just afraid of being alone. I told her, you are the one who wanted this break up, we can't have both. I did also say, However, I still want to watch Breaking Bad with you tonight. One last time for old time's sake? So I went over and watched it. **** was awkward. She was on her computer and on her phone. I was sitting in a chair for the entire hour.

When it was over, she walked me downstairs. We hugged. The tightest hug that we ever had with each other. We both started crying. I told her that I'm sorry we had to end up this way. (In tears) I told her to be good. She told me to be good. (In tears) She asked me: So do we just not contact each other for awhile? I told her, I think that is the best for me right now. She said: Always remember you can text me or call me if you want to talk. I'm here for you. I told her that I would get ahold of her when I'm ready. We held on to each other for just a little while longer. I needed this because I needed to show her that I was literally ready to let go of her. She kissed me on the cheek. It hurt a lot. but I kissed her right back on the cheek and then let go of her. I opened the door and walked out. I looked back and she was still standing there, waiting.

She watched me as I drove off. I honked at her twice as I left. And that's it. That's how everything ended. I feel no regrets since I was able to do both. She knows that I love her and respected her wishes of wanting to do her own thing...because I didn't beg, I didn't plead. I simply let go of her. However, being ready to let go and showing her that I'm ready and letting go are two completely different things... that's a hard pill to swallow.

(During the breakup she did say that she started having this friends feeling during the start of the summer and thought that the feelings would subside.)

So some questions I have are: From reading this what could some of you conclude? Do you think this is a case of the G.I.G.S.? Do you think it was just a failed relationship? Do you think she could be a bisexual or maybe a lesbian? I'm pretty sure she will explore at least. We did talk about it the night at the Cemetery. Do you think she is already over me? (The thought of that just sucks...after everything we have been through.) Do you think she will ever start to regret this? (Not necessarily come crawling back but just regret) As harsh as this sounds, I just want her to feel the way that I feel...alone, heartbroken hurt and in pain. Just because that shows me that these past three years actually meant something.

Even though this was a "mutual"/me dumping her scenario... I'm the one that feels dumped.

And even though looking back at this... I started feeling the same way as her around the same time... why do I still feel this way? Why every morning do I feel so damn empty? What do I do?

Even though I told her that I will contact her when I'm ready... will she contact me?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 4, 2013

I apologize for that long novel.

Alot of this has been bottled inside and it needed to get out so once again... I'm sorry for how long that ended up being.

October 4, 2013

No worries for the novel, read most of it, first things first, breath!

Look i've been through something similar, im sure a lot of people have, someones first love is always intense and when it ends it feels like your world is collapsing around you and you do all sorts of stupid crap that you feel silly about and regret to try and stop it (begging, pleading, bargaining). So dont get down on yourself about that, but do learn from it, these behaviours are never going to have the end that you want.

Having said that, i think in this situation the outcome was inevitable and that there was nothing you could have done, she is obviously not ready to settle down and her desire to not do that has caused her to fall out of love with you, which is fair enough for someone her age. It may be that in 5 years time she regrets the decision she made but by then you will both be very different people in different emotional places so it's important to accept that for all intents and purposes your relationship is over and so in many ways, anything that happens now between you is irrelevant.

This sounds sad but it is not all bad, it sounds like she has actually behaved quite well towards you during this, that she obviously cares about you and that you have parted on good terms and she understands your reasons for needing distance. Meaning that in time you will both be able to look back fondly on your time together and probably have a casual friendship. This is pretty much the best outcome possible from a breakup with very intense feelings because there's nothing worse than having to look back with bitterness or bad feelings in your heart so count yourself lucky.

It may be that she will contact you in several months or so or just say happy birthday etc, but she may wait for you to respect your wishes, neither means anything and her contacting you would not mean she wants to get back together with you!

There's not a lot you can do, try to stay strong, meet new people, find ways to improve yourself, intime you'll find it doesn't hurt as much, those feelings will come and go and believe me that one day you'll wake up and it wont hurt at all anymore. At which point youll almost wish it did because at least then you had your grief for company, and after that, then you'll be ok. I can also guarantee that when you meet the next girl that is special enough to fall in love with you will have absolutely no bad feelings about this relationship ending and will probably even be glad that it did, it's just a case of making it to that point.

Goodluck.

October 4, 2013

I think I got the jist of what you are going through.

I can tell you without doubt that time is your best friend. The life lessons come out at the end. There are lessons for he, and lessons for you.

Embrace this time as meaningful, and keep your chin up.

It is really hard at first I know, but time will answer your questions I promise.

October 4, 2013

Thank you for the responses!

There are just some things that I don't get. Yes, the sex did cut off the start of last month or around there... but we were still intimate with each other in every way but sex.. why would somebody do that with somebody if they were already out of love with them?

I think that it just makes it harder...

October 4, 2013

Thank you for the responses!

There are just some things that I don't get. Yes, the sex did cut off the start of last month or around there... but we were still intimate with each other in every way but sex.. why would somebody do that with somebody if they were already out of love with them?

I think that it just makes it harder...

Happens more often than you would think.

Many relationships experience those peaks and valleys. When the honeymoon period ends (anywhere between 3-24 months, depending on the couple), the sex drive drops a bit. The chemical high of the relationship just becomes less intense, but a lot of people simply don't understand that.

They get confused by these different feelings...not understanding that DIFFERENT doesn't mean BAD. There's still "love", but the "in love" may have tapered off for a bit...and people remain affectionate because it's what they know. Sometimes they're HOPING that "in love" will just come back without trying for it. They confuse themselves, don't realize that "in love" comes and goes, and hold without putting in the effort...and they FOCUS on it...and when you focus on being out of love, you stay that way. Eventually it becomes too much, and something's gotta give...and it's going to be the relationship.

I mentioned it in my own thread, by my ex-gf, who was 27, was also in relationships pretty much constantly...and all of them short. She never experienced the "spark" fading a bit, and it did with us, she freaked.

October 4, 2013

TLDR; that huge age cap between you two pretty much explains it. She was so young getting into a relationship with someone that wanted more. She won't come back.

October 4, 2013

:-(

I just feel stuck and abandoned here now. Why did I even move down here? I could have went to College somewhere else... now I just feel so ****ty and lonely

October 4, 2013

I posted this thread last night and haven't gotten many responses.

I understand that it's quite long but please... I need advice and help on healing immediately! Please help me. :-(

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

October 5, 2013

We'll damn huh.... Ok where to begin.

First off and foremost, I want to point out something you typed...not what she said...but what you said " I think we were just holding on to something that wasn't there anymore"

If that's the case it has been over,and believe me I know how hard it is to let go but one of you had to be the one to break the cord and break free.

Yes she is young,yes she needs more life experiences ect

Doesn't matter if she has at it with another girl

The thing is,is this, you did the right thing by driving away.

Let her see what life's like with you not around.

But I also want you to take this time to enjoy yourself too man...

So is it gigs?

Meh maybe.

Is it a girl who truly doesn't know what she wants so she wants to go out and explore and be free?

Is say that's close.

The thing is as hard as it is to do it, you need to give them the time they are requesting.

Keep your head up and go have some fun and be single... God dude you're single again! Go freakin enjoy it bro.

In closing, when I my (ex) and I broke up after 10 years (15-25) I was crushed,granted I was the dumper and douchebag after I wanted her back and I couldn't I was devastated....so yes she was my first love and ect so I know what you're going thru.

I only got her back when I said screw being sad and miserable and was free and out doing my thing and traveling ect

My advice..... Do you bro.

Best thing you can do.

Barky

October 5, 2013

Thanks man. I greatly appreciate your response. Not many people have actually read it and replied to me. So, even though I feel that way and said what I said... why do I feel so down in the dumps? I haven't done anything this past week. I've been out the game for so long I don't even know where to begin to start. Lastly, do you think there is any chance at all of her coming back or should I just move forward and leave the past in the past?

October 5, 2013

Lol I can relate I was out of the game for 10years...I didn't know where to start.

I'm outgoing so I just dove right in face first to the single life

Clubs bars hook ups everything.

Why the hell not?

I was 25 and lived it up for what it was worth

I truly never had so much fun in my life

What I'm getting at is this, you (like me ) didn't know what to do

So do like I did and dive right in

Never turn down any kind of opportunity to go out with friends

Go out by yourself who cares I even went to Vegas by myself

Just get the hell out of the house

It's Saturday dude,hit a bar or club with a few of your boys ,buy a girl a drink,dance with some, make a ass out of yourself who cares just get out of the house

Will she come back?

Who cares right now. Do you . Deal with that headache when it happens

Barky

October 5, 2013

Thanks man! I was planning on doing something tonight but it's storming like crazy down here. You're right. I should just do me and deal with the headache later. Hopefully, by that time (if it even happens) I will either A) Have been completely healed and not even want her back or B) I will accept her back. Idk. I'm not sure if she will even contact me since I was the one who told her that I would contact her when I'm ready. Who knows how long that will take in all honesty. So what happened with you and your gf of 10 years? Did she end up coming back? Did you take her back? Did it last?

October 5, 2013

I was planning on going out tonight but it's been storming like crazy here. Southern Illinois sucks pretty bad right now lol. So, what happened between you and your ex of 10 years exactly? You said she came crawling back, did you take her back? If so, how long did it last before it ended again? I'm not sure if she will or not. I guess I can't look at it like that. I don't even know if she will contact me. I guess I was the one who told her that I would contact her when I was ready... so who knows. I'm just ready to move on. It's only been a week and days are starting to get a little bit better. Yeah the pain and hurt is still there but it's not as bad. It comes in waves, though. Sometimes I just can't get my mind off of the relationship. The woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I try to concentrate on the negatives for now but all that comes up are the good times...like from when everything was new and fresh. Idk. I'm sort of a mess right now.

October 5, 2013

For some reason (and I could be completely wrong about this) I think that there is a very high possibility that she is gay or at least bisexual. Idk. Ever seen the movie Chasing Amy? If that were the case.. it would still be tough to get over her but I think I would be able to be friends with her just because of the bond we shared. I'd much rather deal with the fact that she is with another girl instead of another guy. Idk. food for thought

October 6, 2013

I read your post man. Sound exactly like my situation. Spark is gone, not sure what she wants. I spoke with a friend I haven't seen or talked to in months for about 5 hours about all this. He told me the best thing you can do is to focus on you. Be respectful about the break up, show her that she wansn't your entire world. When she realizes how well you are doing and that you werent an ass who said hurtful things after it ended, shell realize that, wow He is doing well for himself after all this. He wasn't immature and took the high road...then shell start to want you back. Again, the biggest thing is focus on you and to go out. In my case, I just started house arrest for 6 months. Shes been with me through my entire legal bull**** and I had no doubts that we would make it through this. This all came out of left field for me. It sucks, it hurts. But Im starting to realize that if she could do this to me now, when I am at the worst part of my life & the fact that she wasn't even taking into consideration working on things with us, then that just speaks volumes. All I can say is I'm looking for something new to keep me happy...I think you should do the same.

October 6, 2013

I believe that every dumpee would like to think that way. Just live your life and end on good terms and they will come back to you. I wish I could think like that but I wouldn't be able to move on. I honestly don't think that she will be back. I believe that she fell out of love with me and if that was the case... I don't think you can fall back in love once you've fallen out. Idk. Today has been a bad day.

October 7, 2013

I believe that every dumpee would like to think that way. Just live your life and end on good terms and they will come back to you. I wish I could think like that but I wouldn't be able to move on. I honestly don't think that she will be back. I believe that she fell out of love with me and if that was the case... I don't think you can fall back in love once you've fallen out. Idk. Today has been a bad day.

Dude, I just went to therapy just to talk about it all....seriously, go. It will help you SOOO much. I don't know what it will cost you, but do it. It will really open your eyes and make you think (sorry, make you KNOW) that you are better off without that person. I walked in a wreck, walked out, like F(ck that bisshh I don't need her. Do it.

October 8, 2013

Thanks man. I've been considering it. I just don't know how much it will cost. I've heard it works and doesn't work for people. Some say it's worth it, others say it's not. I'm trying my hardest to be strong in this situation. I just don't know what to do man. I've taken all of the right steps to move on: Threw all of our things away ( I may regret later on in life but I was just so upset ) deleted her number, blocked her on facebook. I haven't seen or heard from her since 2 sundays ago when the Breaking Bad finale played. It wasn't a completely toxic relationship. It was healthy... it just had some bad parts due to LD. It's like I can't even try to imagine her with somebody else and I can't stop thinking about her and our relationship. I can't stop thinking about what she may be thinking about. If she regrets it.. or misses me. It totally sucks that we are at the same university now... since I transferd down here to be with her. Now I just feel so damn abandoned and lonely. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I may not ever find love again... or at least not for a long, long time. Idk... this has just been a bad day. :-(

October 10, 2013

between the G.I.G.S. and just getting dumped or "mutually" ending a relationship? We were together for almost 3 years (November 8th sadly) :-(

Anyway, I go into great detail on my thread.

I was just wondering the difference between the two.

She's 20 (almost 21) and broke the "this feels like more of a friendship than romance" line. However, she doesn't know what she wants, she's young and in college. (So am I, however I'm a bit older. I just moved 4 hours to go to school and be with her last January) She may be bisexual or even a lesbian (found this out 7 months ago) but never acted out on any of her feelings. I told her 7 months ago that I would end it so she can explore.. because it wouldn't be fair for me to keep this relationship going. She swore up and down that she wanted this relationship and now 9 months later... here I am.

So I'm wondering... do I just move on? Is this GIGS? Or was it just a break up or "mutual" break up? It ended mutually but I feel like I'm the one who got dumped.

Please help!!!

October 19, 2013

Froelich you at U of I? In Champaigne?

October 19, 2013

Froelich you at U of I? In Champaigne?

Nope. I'm at SIU.

Are you at U of I?

December 19, 2015

TLDR; that huge age cap between you two pretty much explains it. She was so young getting into a relationship with someone that wanted more. She won't come back.

She came back. 2 years back now.

December 19, 2015

What happened? Can you tell a little more of the story? Happy if you're happy that's great!

December 19, 2015

What happened? Can you tell a little more of the story? Happy if you're happy that's great!

Check out the thread in Second Chances.

I tried posting it in here but Loveshack got mad and moved it.

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Is she ? Does she have the G.I.G.S.? Does she just not love me anymore...

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