SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) Hey Gang, So basically, I have been dealing with the end of a 3 yr relationship upon discovering my gf (now ex) was dating/sleeping with a friend of mine. She moved out of our house, I moved out....I became so distraught I got fired from one of my jobs. She then proceeded to screw a few other people and now has a seemingly stable bf. It's been 4 months since we broke up. She only stopped contacting me a week and a half ago.....WHEN MY MOM DIED. The worst part about this is around 2-3 weeks ago, a beautiful girl with an amazing personality came into my life. We hung out at a concert and her friend told me later she had a crush on me. She is going through a weeks old breakup with a cheating bf. I love spending time with her, we text everyday, we had an amazing date last night. Even though she just got to know me, she came to my mom's funeral and sat with me. I have no brothers or sisters, I have been feeling very alone, my father passed away 5 years ago. This is the worst time of my life to be going through my worst breakup and to have this sudden death. I am in no condition to date or sleep around but I want to so bad. What should I do about this girl? Im going to see her in a bit. We both have discussed that it's not a good time for either of us, but we keep hanging out. I'm also worried that some other guys with no baggage will sweep her off of her feet..... Any advice helps. Edited October 3, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES
MalachiX Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Tell her what you just wrote here. Tell her you're in a very bad place for dating because you just got out of a relationship but you REALLY like her and don't want to lose her. You're lucky because she's in the exact same place you are having also been cheated on and newly single. Ask her if it's OK if you guys see each other but take things SUPER slow so that, in a little while, you'll be able to tell if you really like each other or are just in rebound mode. If you still feel this way after a few weeks (or months) of taking things slow then you can assume that this is for real and move forward. 4
todreaminblue Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Tell her what you just wrote here. Tell her you're in a very bad place for dating because you just got out of a relationship but you REALLY like her and don't want to lose her. You're lucky because she's in the exact same place you are having also been cheated on and newly single. Ask her if it's OK if you guys see each other but take things SUPER slow so that, in a little while, you'll be able to tell if you really like each other or are just in rebound mode. If you still feel this way after a few weeks (or months) of taking things slow then you can assume that this is for real and move forward. excellent thoughtful advice on repeat.........deb
bentleychic Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I agree with Malachi and, FYI, pretty much everyone that I have ever met has some type of "baggage". It doesn't mean that you cannot have a normal, happy relationship. Good luck! 1
tlegend Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Even though she just got to know me, she came to my mom's funeral and sat with me. This is a really good sign. I'm glad you noticed this amidst all the turmoil you must be going through.
heartshaped Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 So sorry to hear about your loss Sometimes, we meet the most amazing people at the worst times in life. Sometimes that's what we need. 2
Phantom888 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Sorry for your loss. Don't let this girl go! She came into your life for a reason! Hang on to her, and confide in her. Tell her how you feel! 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Sorry for your loss:( I too, am an only child. It can't imagine how it would feel.... Look, ideally, it is not really the best idea to get into a fully fledged relationship during such emotionally trying times in your life. However, this girl sounds lovely; she sat next to you at your funeral. She sounds like a girl worth being in touch with, albeit, it does not have to mean you are full on and seeing each other every day and having weekend sleepovers. Look, if she really is interested in you, I would not let such a kind and beautiful girl slip away. I would plainly tell her how you feel; say that, while a full blown relationship is not a healthy thing to navigate right now, you really like her too much to let her slip away and find another guy who IS ready for a relationship. I would simply tell her that hey, you like her a lot and think she is special, and you want to have a relationship with her soon when you're ready. I would ask her, if, in the meanwhile, could you both take things very slow, text daily and hang out once or twice a week, until things die down in your personal life. Personally? If a guy was crazy about me and told me that he did not want to let me slip away to other men, I would be delighted! I would think it was soooooo sweet if a guy felt that way about me:love: Don't let her slip away man! If you like her that much, go for it! Tell her that since your mother passed away and you are pretty devastated in regards to your personal affairs (your bitch ex gf and your latest funeral), that you want a relationship with HER, but u need to just halt things and take things very slowly. Good luck, go after a girl if she is that special to you. No girl who is interested in you would NOT like you going after her. 1
deathandtaxes Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 What to do? **** like rabbits and deal with the rebound fallout at a later time.
Blastoplast Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Women really appreciate honesty -- tell her you're in a rough time in your life, that you're just getting out of a long-term relationship and you REALLY like her, but if you want to date that you should take it very slow to avoid the "rebound" type relationship.
Author SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 So I hung out with that girl again....we always meet in places where I can't go home with her... ie, she works a 9-5 and always meets me for a drink or when the night is over she goes home (she lives in another town 30 mins away). Today she mentioned she wanted to get a bartending gig and I happen to work at one of the best bars in town. I'm so nuts about her I stupidly said, I'll get you a job at my bar. then I did.... she has an interview tomorrow but I sold her to the manager so hard he was all about it. The problem is, we haven't even had sex yet, (as I said, grieving over the recent loss of my mother and JUST getting over my ex thanks to this girl). So when I tell her I got her the job, she just texts... "Omg. You're amazing." and I texted something flirty back like, I guess I'll have to be the 2nd sexiest employee there now." She texts.. LOL. Then I say, let's get a drink tomorrow to celebrate after your interview. (there's a nice bar across the st w/ great food.) She never texted me back....then I see she's partying with her friend on facebook. I am not trying to care too much and am aware of coming on too strong, but when I got her a job at an awesome bar, I'd at least expect a text back. Now I'm bumming cos if she wasnt into me, I could deal with that. Knowing she will be working with me now just has me thinking I completely F**KED UP. I probably did. In the words of the Stones, "I'm on a losing streak."
giblesp Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 (edited) Maybe its too much for her right now, and she just needs space. I don't know the girl and I'm sorry to say this, but she also might have gone to the party to check other guys. You might want to get clarity on that before going on. The last thing you need is a complicated situation, after a heavy loss in the family. Protect yourself a bit, see how it gos. Take some time for yourself. Edited October 5, 2013 by giblesp
OnlyHonesty Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Unfortunately, I think you made a mistake getting her the job, you barely know her and the amazing girl you see is still only first impressions. Part of the problem is also that you have rewarded her with a job when she really hasn't done anything to warrant such a gift. Much of the advice nowadays will likely be centred on finding a partner or taking it slowly but I think so many of us are programmed to find another that we don't think what we need as a person. After what you have been through, the last thing you need is another relationship and dating will likely take your mind away from where it needs to be, self healing, going your own way and soul searching. This of course is all just my opinion. I think it was a mistake getting her the job, the amazing woman you see before you is still only first impressions and I think for someone to be offered a job through a friend, they should at least know them and shown themselves to be worthy in character etc. I think you acted through emotion rather than your usual logic.
Author SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 (edited) I just deleted her phone number so I won't be tempted to contact her. The ball is in her court. If she gets the job and isn't into me, then we can be friends. If she gets it and is into me, well, it will be cos she wanted to be, not cos I showered her with affection or offered her things. I find more and more that my friends who don't lift a finger get the girls they (or I ) want and that being too available is a buzzkill. Just have to apply that logic. As far as my loss, I guess you all are right. I do not need to be in a relationship right now. I do need therapy and/or grief counseling. Time to myself will make me stronger and soul searching is indeed necessary. I am just so frustrated, emotionally and sexually, that my ex has been with a handful of people in less months and now is in a happy relationship. In some ways, I guess it is a little bit of petty competition, cos I want to move on as easily, but I have not been w anyone since the breakup, save for one mediocre hookup and a godawful attempt at ex sex. I was JUST getting over her by liking this girl when the death occurred. Now I feel through no desire of my own that I have to take a "timeout" from dating, meeting other people, sex. I don't want that. Like some posters said earlier though, it will be a distraction from fixing myself. Also, I can totally see from her perspective being newly single, why would she want to jump into another relationship when she can have any guy she wants and why would she want that w a guy who just got out of a bad breakup and had his mother pass away. I probably scream "damaged goods" haha. I'm trying to take the positive that this girl WAS there for me when my ex wasn't and provided emotional support in the initial stages of my loss. The hospital visit and funeral attendance are a fair trade for me getting her the job, cos that meant the world to me. The rest is up to her. Edited October 5, 2013 by SMALLTOWNBLUES
Author SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 I haven't been burying myself in women to get over my ex. Quite the opposite. 4 months and the only sexual contact I've had is with one other person and MY EX. Meanwhile, she's slept and dated with 5 people since me. So yeah, I'm really burying myself. Also, this new girl was the first girl I have actually wanted to get to know outside of the bedroom. Anyways, I am just gonna say screw it and focus on myself tho. Thanks for your helpful insight.
Author SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted October 5, 2013 Author Posted October 5, 2013 One thing I need to clarify....when I said she came into my life, I failed to mention I have known her for a while, but as an acquaintance. She was always in a relationship, so we never got too close. So I DO know this girl is cool and solid. It's more of a if she's into me or not kind of thing. She just texted me wishing me a good shift at work tonight out of the blue. I played it cool and said for her to get up with me next week when my schedule dies down if she wants to hang out. Also, went to eat lunch at the neighborhood pub where the guy my ex left me for works and miscalculated his schedule. So he walks in and I hardly felt anything. She's 4 dicks down the road now and although he was the one that started it all and it hurt the most, the fear of seeing him or the hatred or anxiety wasn't there. This ******* had the nerve to come up to me (knowing my mother just passed) and say, "Hey man, hows it going? You been doing good lately?" I just waved him away with my hand without saying anything, paid the tab and left. Felt good. So that must be SOME progress.
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