Any general for dating a single mom?

[Dude420]

*Edit* There's a typo, it should be general advice

 

Well, here's the story. I went to my friend's (he has a family) for supper and he also invited another person who he and his wife know. As it turns out, this woman is single and has a child under her care. I've met this mom once before at another event. I started putting the pieces together and figured out that my friend wanted to hook me up with this person.

 

She's very cute and seems like a nice person and I found out after the hangout that she's interested in getting to know me. The next day I approached my friend and when the topic came up, I basically told him that I'm open to dating her, but I'm not going to date a woman who's looking for a potential father. I explained to him that I have my own priorities and I'm not prepared to be involved with a child right now. I want to get to know her, not her child. I don't intend to offend any parents here, but that's just how I felt since I have my own responsibilities.

 

My friend said he completely understood my concern and assured me that this woman isn't looking for a father, she's looking for a guy to be with. He explained that she can manage on her own and actually has a decent job (she works at the hospital). I don't what the exact story is, but I think her partner left her either when she was pregnant or when she birthed the child and that was a few years ago.

 

So now we agreed for my friend to arrange another hang out so we can get to know each other and possibly date later on. I've dated a girl before, but I've never dated a single mom, what are the differences between the two? What are the do's and dont's? We're the same age and I'm also a virgin (if that counts as anything). I know this single mom is a person like any another and doesn't need special treatment, but I also want to avoid things that might be sensitive to her. Any advice?

[bentleychic]

Hmmm...are you just looking for a casual relationship? I cannot speak for her, but if she's not only looking for a casual relationship, I doubt she will get involved with someone that wants nothing to do with her child.

 

I was not looking for another father for my children. They have one. Even if they didn't, I wouldn't be looking for a replacement. HOWEVER, my children getting along with and liking who I am exclusively/seriously with is important to me. Especially if we discuss a future/marriage, etc. It would be important for him to like them and vice versa.

 

He doesn't do much with them at this point (1yr in to relationship), but he has seen them several times and chatted with them, we've gone out to eat a few times with the youngest along, we talk about my kids, etc. He has kids, too (though they're grown). I'm grateful that he enjoys mine as much as he does and loves hearing stories about them. I'm a woman, but being a mom is a big part of me, too so I wouldn't be able to turn that off completely to be with someone that didn't want anything to do with children. I cannot imagine being with someone that I could not talk to occasionally about my kids or that knew from the beginning that they would not want anything to do with my children.

 

I guess I would make it known up front that you didn't want to be in a father capacity, weren't interested in having a relationship with her kid, etc. My guess is, unless she's just looking for a good time, she will not want to waste much time with you. (I don't mean that in a mean or rude way, for the record.)

[tlegend]

Oh my.....aren't you ahead of the curve...

 

When I was younger, I certainly wasn't asking questions on how I could be better in dating a single mother.

 

As a man who is currently in a relatively new relationship with someone who has a daughter and also having been in past relationships that featured the same:

 

1) Their kid is their priority. If you can't accept that now, don't even try to date her.

 

2) Plans will change..in my experience, a lot. Don't think too much into this. Raising a child, especially alone, means that much of your time is spent.....caring for your child.

 

3) Do not pressure or force her into meeting her child. Along these same notes, if she pressures or forces you to meet her child, then you should really question...why?

 

4) You will not develop into a full relationship with her, ever, unless you are at some point willing to take on the responsibility of being a father figure. To be involved in the mother's life is to be involved in the kids life, regardless of what people may say.

 

 

These are just some of things that popped off my head that I wish someone would have sat me down and really drilled into me before I started dating women with kids. It's a whole other ballpark!

[bentleychic]

 

1) Their kid is their priority. If you can't accept that now, don't even try to date her.

Definitely! And, honestly, that's how it should be.

 

 

2) Plans will change..in my experience, a lot. Don't think too much into this. Raising a child, especially alone, means that much of your time is spent.....caring for your child.

This must vary per person. I've never had to change plans with my BF due to my children. Due to work a few times, yes, but not my kids. However, they do have a father that is active in their lives so that helps. I imagine it would be different with a single mom whose father is not in the picture at all.

[Dude420]

Thanks, I completely get what your saying, I was kind of brief with I was talking about, sorry if it was a little vague.

 

What I basically meant was that I don't want to be lead on and be used as a tool to take care of her child while she's away. I actually love children and my friend likes to invite me over because his daughters have a blast with me.

 

You know, once in the blue moon, I wouldn't mind seeing the daughter if the mom wants. Right now, I just don't have time to bear the responsibility of taking care of a child while I'm working and still at school. I want to know her first and make sure that she's someone I want to be with (and vice versa) before I start getting to know her child and start acting like a father figure.

 

Until I'm finished school and get a decent job, I'm not ready to be a parent yet.

[Purepony]

Here's the fun side of things. If she's a single mother I hate to say it but I'm being honest she will put out. Trust me on this one I've been there and done that more than 20 times!

 

Now here's the other side of things she might want you to return to react with the child eventually and you have to be able to accept that... also be prepared for any drama from the father on his end. So far I agree with most of the comments that have been said.

 

I apologize for my bad grammar but I'm using my text to speech app.

[bentleychic]

Here's the fun side of things. If she's a single mother I hate to say it but I'm being honest she will put out. Trust me on this one I've been there and done that more than 20 times!

 

Now here's the other side of things she might want you to return to react with the child eventually and you have to be able to accept that... also be prepared for any drama from the father on his end. So far I agree with most of the comments that have been said.

 

I apologize for my bad grammar but I'm using my text to speech app.

Single mother's put out? LOL Is that what the rumor is? Well THAT explains a lot since I've become single. haha

 

Again, big generalization and DEFINITELY not all across the board. Ask the men that I've turned down in the past year! hahaha

 

I get what you're saying OP and I understand it. Any mom worth her weight in gold will not introduce you to her child(ren) before she knows there's a connection, anyway.

[tlegend]

Here's the fun side of things. If she's a single mother I hate to say it but I'm being honest she will put out. Trust me on this one I've been there and done that more than 20 times!

 

Now here's the other side of things she might want you to return to react with the child eventually and you have to be able to accept that... also be prepared for any drama from the father on his end. So far I agree with most of the comments that have been said.

 

I apologize for my bad grammar but I'm using my text to speech app.

 

I would have to agree that it does seem easier to get into bed with a single mother that has issues than any normal, spiritually and emotionally healthy woman.

 

Thanks for that wonderful observation.

[madjac74]

Here's the fun side of things. If she's a single mother I hate to say it but I'm being honest she will put out. Trust me on this one I've been there and done that more than 20 times!

 

Now here's the other side of things she might want you to return to react with the child eventually and you have to be able to accept that... also be prepared for any drama from the father on his end. So far I agree with most of the comments that have been said.

 

I apologize for my bad grammar but I'm using my text to speech app.

 

The fact that you had to acknowledge you were using a "text to speech app" explains why you are too immature to give advice on single mothers. Not to mention that you had to provide us with a number of your successes. I am terrified to know what sort of crack mothers you were with.

 

Anyhoo most "respectable" single mothers will be more discriminating on who they put out for and look at the best interest of the child when it comes to dating.

[Dude420]

Anyhoo most "respectable" single mothers will be more discriminating on who they put out for and look at the best interest of the child when it comes to dating.

 

That's very understandable, I do expect that there will be times when she talks about her child and I don't mind that. However, to me, if the topic of her child is the recurring theme of every date, then I'll probably figure out that she doesn't actually have any romantic interest with me.

[madjac74]

That isn't true. Any proud parent is going to have a lot to say about their child. They may even hold back sometimes so they don't scare people away. I know what it is like to be a single dad and in the dating world and the large part of your life's focus is your kids. It can be very difficult to not overwhelm your date with stories about your kids when that is a large part (but not the only part) of your life. In my experience though, my dates tend to ask a lot about the situation.

[tlegend]

That's very understandable, I do expect that there will be times when she talks about her child and I don't mind that. However, to me, if the topic of her child is the recurring theme of every date, then I'll probably figure out that she doesn't actually have any romantic interest with me.

 

Man, if that's how you truly feel, then you have a lot to learn.

 

If a women talks about her child nonstop, and she's a great mother, not a crackhead or has mental issues, etc, then you should feel honored that she feels secure enough with you to even share that information.

 

IF she talks about her child to you, its because she feels safe with you, not because she doesn't have any romantic interest, but probably the exact opposite.

 

And with that, I bid you good luck.

[Dude420]

Man, if that's how you truly feel, then you have a lot to learn.

 

If a women talks about her child nonstop, and she's a great mother, not a crackhead or has mental issues, etc, then you should feel honored that she feels secure enough with you to even share that information.

 

IF she talks about her child to you, its because she feels safe with you, not because she doesn't have any romantic interest, but probably the exact opposite.

 

And with that, I bid you good luck.

 

I suppose that's why I created this thread, to learn what other people have to say, I apologize if I made any offense.

 

I'm not exactly saying that I'm not interested in hearing the stories of her child, I don't mind actually. However, why would it always have to be about her child? For the first few dates, wouldn't it be better to know HER and not the child? Get to know what SHE likes and not what her child likes? If this is a recurring theme in every date, how do I know if she's really into me? Of course I have a lot to learn, but I'm not convinced that "feeling safe" really means that she's into me. To me it would sound like she's looking for someone to fill the daddy slot and not the soul-mate slot. I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, I'm just really curious about this.

 

Again, I created this thread since I need input. If she really does like me, I don't want to insult her either.

[bentleychic]

I doubt she'll talk 24/7 about her child. I'm SURE she will talk about other things. However, being a mom is a big part of who she is. I talk about my children, my job and various hobbies, things about my life, etc. in general conversations. Things that my world revolves around. Think of the things most important to you. Don't you think you'd discuss them with a potential love interest?

 

Daddy and soul mate can be one in the same, btw.

[Dude420]

I doubt she'll talk 24/7 about her child. I'm SURE she will talk about other things. However, being a mom is a big part of who she is. I talk about my children, my job and various hobbies, things about my life, etc. in general conversations. Things that my world revolves around. Think of the things most important to you. Don't you think you'd discuss them with a potential love interest?

 

Daddy and soul mate can be one in the same, btw.

 

I think this post pretty much summarizes what I should expect and how to react in this situation. Thanks a lot bentley!

 

A little background about myself. I used to be very anti-social when I was younger and because of that, missed a lot of social and dating opportunities. Just a few years ago I've started improving on the socializing aspect of my life. However, there are still times when I'm talking with someone, I might say things that might come out as cold, yet I didn't really mean it that way. It's just the way I am sometimes and so I might have come off this way with some of my posts. I created this thread so I can try and avoid hurting someone else's feelings or seem like an ass even if I don't mean it (it's because sometimes I either don't know how to chat on topics that are alien to me or I don't know how to respond). I find this is a very delicate situation too.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot for the input everyone, now I have a much better view on single parents .

Edited October 4, 2013 by Dude420

[bentleychic]

Good luck, dude.

[tlegend]

I think this post pretty much summarizes what I should expect and how to react in this situation. Thanks a lot bentley!

 

A little background about myself. I used to be very anti-social when I was younger and because of that, missed a lot of social and dating opportunities. Just a few years ago I've started improving on the socializing aspect of my life. However, there are still times when I'm talking with someone, I might say things that might come out as cold, yet I didn't really mean it that way. It's just the way I am sometimes and so I might have come off this way with some of my posts. I created this thread so I can try and avoid hurting someone else's feelings or seem like an ass even if I don't mean it (it's because sometimes I either don't know how to chat on topics that are alien to me or I don't know how to respond). I find this is a very delicate situation too.

 

Anyway, thanks a lot for the input everyone, now I have a much better view on single parents .

 

Hey buddy, don't be so hard and judgemental of yourself. Really. "Normal" is just a state of mind everyone thinks everyone else is, but is never attainable. Having foot-in-mouth syndrome is very normal, and happens to EVERYONE.

 

I would also like to take this moment to recognize that bentley gives great advice, and the name of my son is Bentley. Small world...

 

Anywho, I think that the fact that you even asked these questions before getting to know her shows a tremendous amount of courage and maturity, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Phantom888]

I have to say, of all the women I dated, the single moms "put-out" a lot earlier. I think because they were in such bad relationships before that they just want physical and emotional attachment. That's okay...I'm a good dude, so I never take advantage of them. If I really like them, I would pursue them and respect them to the fullest.

 

Here is the cardinal rule: NEVER DATE SINGLE MOMS UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN!!! Moms are very protective by nature. You will have to work around their kids' schedule or needs. If you aren't a parent yourself, you are gonna feel frustrated or even resent the poor kid!! Do yourself a favor and date women without kids for now. It will save you a lot of anguish! I know this from experience.

[Dude420]

I have to say, of all the women I dated, the single moms "put-out" a lot earlier. I think because they were in such bad relationships before that they just want physical and emotional attachment. That's okay...I'm a good dude, so I never take advantage of them. If I really like them, I would pursue them and respect them to the fullest.

 

Here is the cardinal rule: NEVER DATE SINGLE MOMS UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN!!! Moms are very protective by nature. You will have to work around their kids' schedule or needs. If you aren't a parent yourself, you are gonna feel frustrated or even resent the poor kid!! Do yourself a favor and date women without kids for now. It will save you a lot of anguish! I know this from experience.

 

I'm totally down with that. I understand that the kids come first to a mother/father and that scheduling could be unpredictable. What you have to consider though is that I wasn't the one who pursued her, she wants to pursue me (or a LTR in a general sense). This leaves me to believe that she now wants to emotionally invest in a partner and is willing to make free time for herself and her potential partner whenever she can.

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to resent the kid because he/she demands attention . As I mentioned before, I love kids and I get along with them fine. I've seen what my friends have to put up with and heard what my mother had to put up with (never hear the end of it with her!).

 

I like to joke to my friend that over the time I interacted with his kids, I've only experienced 1% of parenthood. In fact, I had to babysit his 2 kids one night and I was able to put their 9 month old child back to sleep after she was crying . He told me it was a good sign lol.

Edited October 4, 2013 by Dude420