Is it normal to say hurtful things immediately after a breakup?

[ponchsox]

I have been dating a single mom for one and a half years. To make a long story short, the biggest challenge in our relationship has been finding time together. Aside from being a single mom, she lives an hour away and has a job that often requires her to work 7 days. I was very patient and she always tried her best to squeeze in as much time with me as she could. She even did it on nights where I knew she was exhausted.

 

Well, last week, everything changed. She got a report that her 6 year old son was doing poorly in reading comprehension. As a single mom with the dad out of the picture, she felt guilty that she wasn't spending enough time doing homework with her son. I didn't see a breakup coming, however. The previous week she was asking my my thoughts on some things (what church we would go to, if I had a problem if she bought a horse) had we got married.

 

The breakup was a blindside and I was angry that she didn't talk to me about her stress and issues so we could have worked together. Quite frankly, I was so shocked by the breakup call that I called back the next day asking for answers. She said she didn't see us getting enough time that she wanted in order for our relationship to grow. (The prior year her ex took her kid for the entire Saturday which freed us up. He had a drug issue so this year our time together has been limited to Saturday night only) She also felt like I was "getting the crumbs" and it wasn't fair. Almost like we were friends trying to make a relationship work.

 

I have been in breakups before, on both ends. I have never been so hurt by a breakup as I have in this one. I have spent a lot of time and emotional energy in this relationship and I loved her. The next four days after the breakup was an emotional roller coaster for me. In the process, I sent a few texts that were below the belt out of frustration. No foul language but I said some hurtful things. My question is, is this a normal reaction when your heart has been broken? I feel really bad now for what I sad as the anger is subsiding.

 

I have been trying NC since Monday with the exception of one text I sent her asking for forgiveness for the things I said. She quickly responded that she forgave me.

 

She also mentioned on a phone call Tuesday that she felt she may have just blown her future.

 

Any advice as I still have feelings for her, and she potentially feels like she made a mistake other than give her time, perhaps months, before attempting a possible reconciliation?

Edited October 3, 2013 by ponchsox

[mtnbiker3000]

Yes, from both parties!!

[JDPT]

I was in a similar situation as you were in. I dated a woman who was older than me and had 4 kids. I surprisingly never thought finding time for 'us' was a challenging, or I guess I enjoyed my time alone. She one day decided it was best for her to let me go, so yeah it was unexpected for me.

We are not roughly 5 months NC out of a 4 year relationship, about a month or so ago I did something 'very' below the belt which I then regretted but managed to come to terms with. I felt ashamed and embarrassed at what I did, as I executed my intentions out of anger. It's simply part of the process and you shouldn't feel terrible about it. What once was so amazingly beautiful can turn into a nightmare like my breakup did. I know view my ex as a complete stranger expecting only the worst form her.

What I'm trying to say is that you should not beat yourself up over and over about what occurred. I am of the opinion that you should learn from your mistakes and grow.

keep propelling yourself forward and as difficult as this may be know that you will eventually crawl out of this hole and be a new and improved you.

[pteromom]

It's not out of the norm, for sure. You were hurt, and you lashed out.

 

If you want to reconcile with her, I would stay in contact, but would not do/say anything that puts any kind of pressure on her. Be her friend.

 

I wouldn't give that advice for most breakups, but I understand the power of mommy-guilt, and it seems to me that she is just overwhelmed and doesn't feel like she has anything left to give to a relationship, so there may be a chance for getting back together in the future.

 

However - I wouldn't put all your eggs in her basket, and would go date.

[ponchsox]

It's not out of the norm, for sure. You were hurt, and you lashed out.

 

If you want to reconcile with her, I would stay in contact, but would not do/say anything that puts any kind of pressure on her. Be her friend.

 

I wouldn't give that advice for most breakups, but I understand the power of mommy-guilt, and it seems to me that she is just overwhelmed and doesn't feel like she has anything left to give to a relationship, so there may be a chance for getting back together in the future.

 

However - I wouldn't put all your eggs in her basket, and would go date.

 

If I didn't think of her as much as I do, I probably would have moved on rather easily after the breakup. Maybe she thought I felt the same and she was doing me a favor? She acknowledged I loved her during the relationship and said I always did a good job reinforcing it. I get the sense now she feels she might have made a decision thinking about now and not the future. She's mentioned it twice now.

[pteromom]

If I didn't think of her as much as I do, I probably would have moved on rather easily after the breakup. Maybe she thought I felt the same and she was doing me a favor? She acknowledged I loved her during the relationship and said I always did a good job reinforcing it. I get the sense now she feels she might have made a decision thinking about now and not the future. She's mentioned it twice now.

 

I'm sure this is all true.

 

She probably DID think she was doing you a favor, but not in the way you think. She probably thought that it was unfair to keep you around, knowing she would have less to give to you. That letting you go was the kindest thing to do for you.

 

Like I said, mommy guilt is very powerful. Nothing can make a woman feel worthless quicker than feeling like she dropped the ball with her child.

[ponchsox]

I'm sure this is all true.

 

She probably DID think she was doing you a favor, but not in the way you think. She probably thought that it was unfair to keep you around, knowing she would have less to give to you. That letting you go was the kindest thing to do for you.

 

Like I said, mommy guilt is very powerful. Nothing can make a woman feel worthless quicker than feeling like she dropped the ball with her child.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that if we had more time to be together, I would be proposing to her in the next year. That is the tough part, the "what if." I agree that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, but I felt like she was the one. I will probably always compare the future women I date to her and dismiss them as not being good enough.

 

So, do I wait and for how long? She said things may change in the future (like her ex getting his act together and spending more time with his son that could free us up) or they may not. She said she wants to remain friends because I am someone she wants in her life, but I just can't see myself as anything but her boyfriend.

Edited October 3, 2013 by ponchsox

[todreaminblue]

I'm sure this is all true.

 

She probably DID think she was doing you a favor, but not in the way you think. She probably thought that it was unfair to keep you around, knowing she would have less to give to you. That letting you go was the kindest thing to do for you.

 

Like I said, mommy guilt is very powerful. Nothing can make a woman feel worthless quicker than feeling like she dropped the ball with her child.

 

 

there is no truer statement than this mummy guilt thing, especially single mums who try to make up for an absent father....you have to be both mum and dad......so time spent on a relationship can sometimes be hard.......i tried to date six months after my break up, i had a man i was dating who was interested in a long term relationship hadnt got to that stage, and i really liked him...my family however needed me,so I made the choice back then not to date and not to get in a relationship until my family were more stable that included me...i dont regret doing that.......when single mums date it istn easy and it takes a particular kind of guy to handle a package deal......in saying that i wouldnt break up with someone if i were in a relationship out of the blue, i would try and work the situation out...because if i were in a relationship the kids would also be involved and stability is as important for them as ti is to maintain a relationship for yourself where you really care about that person in your life and also for the other person involved....deb

[pteromom]

So, do I wait and for how long? She said things may change in the future (like her ex getting his act together and spending more time with his son that could free us up) or they may not. She said she wants to remain friends because I am someone she wants in her life, but I just can't see myself as anything but her boyfriend.

 

That's up to you, and what you can handle. If you can be her friend, that would give you more opportunity to try again, but if it hurts too much, you have to protect yourself first.

 

If you can handle it, I would probably agree to being her friend, and go back out and try to date other people at the same time, and see what happens.

 

You sound like a good guy, and I am hoping she realizes she doesn't want to lose you.

[supaflyz]

Completely normal. I said some stuff that I wish I didn't said. The frustration could get to you my friend. That is why some people will lash out at each other after a break up. I know I did, and so did my ex.

 

The thing is you have to understand they are angry at you that is why they may say those things. Don't take it to heart.