It's been four days.

[collapse]

I'm a 28-year-old should-know-better woman who is the "other woman." Even typing that out felt ridiculous. He is early thirties, not married but in a serious long term, long distance relationship. We started out as friends, then I developed a sexual attraction to him, then we acted on it.

 

Eight months later here we are, feelings have developed, and his girlfriend has come from across the country so that they can talk in person about ending their relationship, or I guess not doing that? I'm not sure, from the beginning I have not wanted to know anything about his relationship with her. I have never asked, and I wish I didn't even know this talk was happening. I was good with having what we had, while we had it, knowing the end date. It all felt fairly predictable, and I knew I would be sad and miss him when they moved back together, but I thought it was inevitable.

 

She has been here four days. Staying together is definitely what she wants to do, otherwise I don't think she would have come here. I am really uncomfortable with the idea that if their relationship does end, it will be because he left her for me. I told him he needs to decide if he wants to be with her or not be with her, not be with her or be with me. But that's what he said the situation is. I almost wish I made a stronger play, but I go back and forth on it. In my secret heart of desires I want to pull a Meredith Gray and say "Pick me. Choose me. Love ME."

 

I know if he doesn't do that I will be okay. I'll be fine, there will be someone else, I'll love again, all those things. I've been guarding my heart a long time and haven't been in a relationship for eight years, so none of that was true before I met him. I credit him with giving me a situation where I could show myself that I am ready. I'm ready now, and now I know. I want him. I love him. And right now the man I love is trying to work out his relationship with another woman.

 

The waiting is killing me. I go back and forth on whether I should just end it in my own mind now, to have some control back. But it would only be temporary relief. I love him, it's worth a few more days to me. Then I will know, one way or another this situation is over forever. It's going to change. And I'm ready. I just want to know.

 

A part of me wants to give him (and her) their space right now, to decide what they really want. And a part of me wants to call him and demand an answer right now, put an end to this anticipation. I'm really conflicted on that point. I care about him but I care about myself too, and I don't feel too good right now. Obviously if I'm pouring out this tale to the internet I'm starting to feel pretty desperate. This story is hardly unique in anyway, I know I've made some bad decisions that have led me to this place, but either way I won't regret it because oddly I feel like I got my heart back through this situation. So I wait.

[threelaurels]

Are you sure he has even mentioned breaking up to her?

 

I know some people really advocate for face-to-breakups, but it seems kinda cruel to fly her out to him just to have her heart broken. Plane tickets are expensive, and, even if the tickets had been bought far in advance, it would be easy enough to pay a small fee and have the destination changed.

 

I had this happen to me once after a breakup. I rerouted my flight and stayed with my sister for a week. Got to see my niece and nephew, which actually helped a lot with the post-breakup heartache and keeping myself busy

[veryhappy]

You are waiting while he's effing her. There will be no breakup. Who flies across the country to break up? Combine that with her wanting the relationship...Cheating men are coward.

 

Do call and ask him about what he's doing. I bet you'll get a lot of ambiguous crap and he'll come back trying to manage you and keep the a after she's gone.

[Cali408]

Do not call him. Do you consider yourself his girlfriend? Has he told you he loves you? Or in his mind are you a friend with benefits?

 

He cheated on his girlfriend with you. Now I know that they're not married. But the foundation of your relationship is based in dishonesty. If he cheated on her, will you be able to trust him?

 

When he calls, ask him "did you break up with her?" If you don't get a no. And not a I'm going to do it soon. Tell him, you're breaking up with him until he is single.

[harrybrown]

If he does not break up with her, you should move on to someone who is not attached.

 

There is no future with someone who is attached to another person. Have the person break up the relationship so that if they are with you, you are their number one priority.

[collapse]

I don't know if I will ever trust him. I went into this relationship thinking there was no future in it, that it was a safe for now sort of thing without too much emotion involved. I realized in pre-hindsight that it probably wouldn't stay that way, but I just sort of felt like making a mistake. I started my dating and sexual life way too young and as a result have shied away from things since, to the point where I have not had a relationship with anyone in eight years and have only felt sexually attracted to another person once before in all that time. He also had a girlfriend and that situation ended really badly.

 

I have no doubt that they are having sex, I'm fine with that and he knows I'm fine with that. He's her boyfriend. I don't know if it matters in my attitude or not that he and I do not actually have that kind of sex, but without going into a lot of detail we do have a sexual relationship. I didn't want to do that one thing, neither did he (I'm working with a pretty long dryspell here). Anyway lately that decision has been less mutual, I've been wanting to go "all the way" but he has held that line. I think it's a worthless line but it means something to him.

 

I feel like we've gone about this whole thing wrong if we ever wanted this relationship to have a future. I remember too many times of hiding things in front of mutual friends, waving when I wanted to hug him, flirting with other guys to make things less obvious, etc. etc. He'll have those things too. It feels like it would be poisoned.

 

He did tell me he loved me a few weeks ago. I was trying to tell him I was planning to date someone else because I couldn't have him be the only thing in my life anymore, he wasn't taking me seriously, so I confessed I had kissed someone else. We talked seriously then and he told me he loved me. As the supposed end has drawn near the intensity of things has gone way way up. I wonder, why now? Before I would have said we were friends with benefits, no question. But not since we said that. We also started dating, like actually going on dates where he picks me up and pays for dinner and we spend the night together.

 

I hold her no ill will, if he chooses her that would be for the best I think because I can take this thing ending probably a lot easier than she can. I wouldn't cross the country for him. She must really love him, I think, very deeply. But right now I love him too, in my little way. I want to be happy too, I just don't know if it's possible in this situation anymore. Right now I feel just trapped.

 

Still no word.

[whichwayisup]

He put himself in a situation where now he has to choose. And you knowingly entered a R with a man who you knew was in a serious R already, you acted upon sexual attraction. Mistake obviously because now you're hurting, he's confused and his girlfriend whom is the innocent one is all these could have her heart broken, that is if he has the balls to end it with her if he does want to be with you.

 

I say take back your control now and walk away. Live your life, get busy and don't 'wait' for him to decide. You can still 'wait' and see what happens but don't sit by the phone anxiously waiting to hear from him. She is with him now and it's been 4 days, no call. Sorry but that does say something...

 

You haven't invested years into him, even though this hurts, you will get over him.

[collapse]

So here's what happened. I waited, I was desolate. I spent days in turmoil. I walked around my house with my blanket over my head, like E.T. He texted me twice, called me once when I was at work. Wanted to know if I would be there, pick up his pieces. I said yes.

 

It was nearly two weeks, last Saturday when I felt I could not hang on another single minute. I told him I just couldn't. I'm not sure what not waiting anymore entailed, I just knew I wasn't dealing very well with this limbo state. Every text I sent to that effect made me feel better. I just couldn't, can't, wouldn't. He told me that same night that they broke up. I went out with friends and got incredibly drunk. I saw him the next day, and the next day, and the next, and every day since.

 

We had our first time. So now... I don't know what's next. I am cautiously happy. Slightly scared. Sorry it happened like this. Aware there's no other way it could have happened.

[ComingInHot]

collapse, I apologize if I am slow to catching on here but bare with me*

You two are seeing eachother, he has a G/F, She flies in so they can "officially" break-up, You don't hear from him, for how long again?? Then he texts/calls you to see if you will pick up his pieces, you say yes and now you two are together?

Did I get all of that right?

 

If that is correct, I honestly would say that due to the fact they were not Married and had a LDR, you two have a decent chance to be together.

 

however... a couple "red" flags in what I read;

1. She Flew in for a break-up (like others, I think, "weird")

2. He did Not contact you for (and this is where I got lost) what sounds like a good while.

3. He actually asked you to be there to pick up his pieces (I liken it to you being a "soft place to land").

4. Are you certain the "ex" G/F is gone or has flown back to where ever?

 

note: If you ever feel like something is "amiss", then it probably is. Especially with the way the relationship with this guy began, ya know? Like, it would be Weird if he was still FB friends with her, or she was still a Contact in his phone and/or email...

 

But if it feels like all is "right with the world" and she really is out of the picture, Great!!*

[Darren Steez]

You are waiting while he's effing her. There will be no breakup. Who flies across the country to break up? Combine that with her wanting the relationship...Cheating men are coward.

 

Do call and ask him about what he's doing. I bet you'll get a lot of ambiguous crap and he'll come back trying to manage you and keep the a after she's gone.

 

This

 

This is what was happening, and when she leaves he'll come and get it from you.

[cif]

This guy sounds like he's about to take you on a ride to hell. I'd get out now before you fall deeper.

[collapse]

collapse, I apologize if I am slow to catching on here but bare with me*

You two are seeing eachother, he has a G/F, She flies in so they can "officially" break-up, You don't hear from him, for how long again?? Then he texts/calls you to see if you will pick up his pieces, you say yes and now you two are together?

Did I get all of that right?

 

Yes, that's the synopsis. She was here for two weeks (Monday to the following Sunday). They ended things Saturday night, she flew out early the next morning. I didn't hear from him for nearly that entire time.

 

If that is correct, I honestly would say that due to the fact they were not Married and had a LDR, you two have a decent chance to be together.

 

Thanks for this as from reading here and other places online I have pretty much believed that we are doomed. Only my sister (who is my best friend and knows as much of the details of the situation as anyone does) has thought this might work out for me. But the overwhelming negativity and insecurity of the situation has weighed really heavily on the start of this "new phase" or whatever the hell a legitimate relationship is after an affair.

 

however... a couple "red" flags in what I read;

1. She Flew in for a break-up (like others, I think, "weird")

 

We discussed it prior to it happening. It was not my favorite idea. My favorite idea was him confessing the infidelity over the phone and letting her decide whether or not she then wanted to have the rest of the talk in person. My second idea was him to fly to her. That wasn't an option for them for several reasons. So she came here. As my best friend said, expensive conversations are a part of their relationship, but I think about that flight home all the time.

 

2. He did Not contact you for (and this is where I got lost) what sounds like a good while.

 

Two weeks. Just a few general text messages and the one teary phone call at work. This was typical of him whenever she was in town or he was with her, communication would vanish. I was fine with this until I wasn't.

 

3. He actually asked you to be there to pick up his pieces (I liken it to you being a "soft place to land").

 

I so wish, more than anything, that he had not set this up as a "her vs. me" thing. But he did and it is causing me some emotional issues. I firmly believe that their relationship was in trouble long before I came on the scene (I am not his first indiscretion) but there's no doubt in my mind he would not have ended the relationship if I hadn't been there. That sucks for me, makes me feel like there is no way I could be worth it. I don't know her-- I did meet her once at our mutual hobby thing where he made a point to introduce us which was really weird to me at the time. But we were on our one break where I had delivered the "let's just be friends" speech and he maintained he was doing just that. He wanted us to get along for some crazy reason where I don't think he was seeing the reality of the situation clearly. Anyway she seems great to me on paper. She's in his field, driven and motivated, much better than I am at our mutual hobby, and very, very pretty.

 

4. Are you certain the "ex" G/F is gone or has flown back to where ever?

 

Yep.

 

note: If you ever feel like something is "amiss", then it probably is. Especially with the way the relationship with this guy began, ya know? Like, it would be Weird if he was still FB friends with her, or she was still a Contact in his phone and/or email...

 

But if it feels like all is "right with the world" and she really is out of the picture, Great!!*

 

He doesn't have a Facebook. As far as them contacting each other, I hope they do, but would be horrible for me to know at this point. We've had a long policy of him keeping that relationship completely separate from what we have going on.

 

Based on the advice I got online and more casual observers, I was feeling pretty hopeless about things. But after a few teary conversations in which I was very honest with him, and what he shared with me felt honest, and some good physical connection, I finally feel hopeful. It's hard to convey the nuance of situations sometimes, and what looks really bad on paper doesn't always portray the entirety of the situation. In the end, he broke up with her for me, and I'm going to see where this thing goes.

 

I believe that he loves me, and with the way our first real conversations of our relationship went, I think we have good communication and understanding of one another and I really think we have something that might work out for both of us. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't, no different than any other relationship, except we're starting out at a loss. But I've come to terms with that now. It was much easier to accept after I very clearly explained that the way he handled things hurt me and hurt us and that's the place that we're starting out from, not me being grateful and excited to be chosen. We both know we have some work to do, with him really listening and acknowledging my feelings about him, and apologizing. And from my end, not threatening to break up every time I feel the tiniest bit bad or upset about something because what's the point of talking it out if we are doomed anyway? It's a work in progress, but this week for the first time I feel really, really happy. I love him and he loves me and right now we're together and there is no one else.

[stillafool]

I have to agree with others who say they are not breaking up but if anything making up. No one flies across country just to say "so long take care of yourself." They are having sex, fun and everything else. It's not even realistic to spend time and money just to be told to "get lost". Don't believe that bs because that's exactly what this is.

[collapse]

So another update, it's been two months now and things are going really well. I love him. We have great communication and I've since learned a bit more about why their relationship didn't work out. He maintains he did not leave her for me. Having me there made it a lot safer and easier for him to make the decision, but their relationship had many ongoing issues and they just weren't happy together.

 

He did not tell her the whole story at the time of the break up, however through mutual connections she knows now, called and confronted him, and he told her the truth. For some reason that was a moment I was really waiting for, even though they are broken up I have felt really uncomfortable with the secrecy. Even though I felt initial panic and renewed guilt with her knowing, I now feel a lot more comfortable that she has the truth. It's all in the open.

 

I have had some emotional fallout for myself from the months of secrecy and concessions, and some anger at him for not just breaking up with her sooner. It's not something I would at all recommend. But I've moved to a place of acceptance that things happened the way that they did, and all we can do now is move forward. I told him that I have a huge pool of negative experiences to draw from when anything goes wrong in our new relationship, and he said that he wants to work together on emptying that pool. After we talk I am always happier, I feel so close to him now. I see all the distance that we kept between us when this was just an affair melting away. I'm sure there will be more problems in the future but right now things are awesome.

[lifeisoverrated]

Well, at least you already know the guys a cheater. He did this for how long 9 month's? Guess it didn't phase him much either....so when you do catch him cheating on you, it won't be such a shocker. You realize this right? But you want to sign up anyway? Also, I hate to bust your fantasy bubble but I can guarantee you he didn't break it off - he's telling you what you want to hear.

Then again you don't seem to mind since you participated for 9 month's, you also said you didn't care if he slept with her. Disturbing behavior, but you seem to actually be enjoying this "other woman" title and this is not your first correct?

 

Well I was just pointing that out to you. -- I have no other advice for you, I am unable to understand or relate to your thinking as fidelity is everything to me. -- I'll say nothing more

[bentleychic]

Don't mind that poster OP. (I'd put them on ignore, honestly.) "Once a cheater always a cheater." is a generalization and NOT always true by any means.

[Raena]

I hate to say it but I agree with Bentley here. And since I am someone who was betrayed, that says a lot.

 

Was she long distance the entire time you were with him? For me that makes a great deal of difference. You are right, he should have just ended it with her months ago, but the truth is, the distance between them may have just added to whatever problems they were having. I sincerely hope for your sake that he was really ready to end things with her and that it wasn't because he had you to fall back on.