orchidia Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I was with my boyfriend for 5 years. It was a turbulant relationship and very up and down, his parents and family disliked me and he liked to turn a blind eye to it instead of nipping it in the bud as soon as it began, and we decided to breakup. We lived with each other at the time and so had to sell the house and buy our own places. We were still living together in the house for a few months until this was finalised and during this time my friends and family would tell me that you could see he didnt want to break up. I felt i was doing the right thing, and he began a process of arranging to move abroad to join a member of his family who has recently moved abroad. At certain times i must admit though that i may have got a vibe from him that he would have been much happier if we could have worked things out and stayed put. After we broke up and left the house reality hit home for me and i missed him like crazy. It also came so clear to me where we had gone wrong and how i had gone wrong in the relationship. I tried to speak to him but he was not interested he said its all water under the bridge and that was that. After not contacting him for a while he would call me up just to say 'hi' and that he cared about me so wanted to know how i was. He even said maybe i should find someone else ! Because i was so upset and I couldnt understand it. But he also wanted to stay friends ! After a couple of months of seeing each other on most days on a 'friends basis' he went on a holiday to find out more about the place he was moving to and told me we could get back together and for me to go with him. I said that i couldnt do that as it would be too much of a upheavel for me and his family dont like me so i would never feel part of it there. He decided to stay here and we gave it a go. He always said that he would end up regreting not giving it a go moving abroad and it always came up in arguements. He said he felt he was missing out on a opportunity to have a fresh start were he could wipe the slate clean and start a new life. Throughout a year he kept finishing with me saying that we didnt get on and it also really bothered him that his family didnt like me. But would then say if i move away with him then he would make sure that the relationship worked ?? I just didnt understand that. In the end he ended up finishing with me 4 times in one month, during arguements he admitted that people always gave him pressure about not moving abroad and that he was mad not to take the opportunity and that although we were back together he still had this pressure. We did still argue alot but like i tried to point out to him we both wanted to try again and he isnt trying properly if he is always gonna listen to other people and have a backup plan of what to do if me and him dont work out then its never gonna work, but he always said that wasnt the case. I have always cried begged and grovelled when we break up, but this time i didnt. I didnt call him for nearly two weeks and then my mum saw him and said he was an emotional wreck. A few days later he came round my house and i didnt cry. He was happy to sit and talk and told me to call him if i ever needed anything. I didnt call and said to him that i wouldnt ever call. After a week had passed he called me and said he felt a part of him was missing and kept offering to help me with stuff and asked me round for dinner. I said no to it all. The next morning he called again and said that he was going to help with me something for my mum and insisted that he do it. I said fine and so met him a few days later to also help. He said he has missed me like mad and that he has been getting anxiety at night and cant sleep, he said i was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, and went on and on.... I still didnt cry or show any emotion and just listened. The next day i had to meet him again and when he saw my family he made a massive effort to be polite and get on well with them. He said he was meeting his brother inlaw that weekend and did i want to come, and also did i want to go out at some point too with just him. Again i said no.. I agreed to watch a DVD with him and at that point felt him back off. We did have a disagreement about the film but would this have caused such a sudden change.. ever since then he didnt seem so determined to have this contact with me that he was trying so hard to get. About two and a half weeks later he called me again (Drunk !) and said he wanted to know how i was and that there isnt a day that goes by were he doesnt think about me. I said to him but this is what you wanted so why are you phoning, and then that was it... I havent heard from him since and he has making arrangments to start his new life abroad... why did he want contact with me ? was it to make the who transition easier for him ?
SoleMate Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Long post, but let me summarize: You had a 5 year, off again, on again, relationship with a boy/man. He didn't take basic steps to nurture the relationship. The breakup was a 1 year long on again, off again, lots of fights experience. Basically a breakup in slow mo. He did not show commitment, but wouldn't fully back away or do NC with you either. Now you're wondering whether some tiny interactions you had with him towards the end of the extended breakup period have any meaning. Short answer: NO. He's just not very good at breaking up, and neither are you. You both let the immediate pains of separation force you back into a relationship that never made sense. The ending of even the worst relationship causes emotional pain. You have to use your head to help your heart through this period. One of you should have done NC, and all this long drawn out process would have been avoided. Your r/s is over, and it is time to grieve the end, fully.
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