jm2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I'm 29 and married my wife back on 2007. We've lived together for several years. We've had our ups and downs as in most marriages and relationships through the years. I've made many mistakes. The biggest mistake I've done was left my wife alone a lot going out with friends to slug a few down. We built a house shortly after we married and had our daughter in 2009. Let's just say the home stress mounted from there. I'd find times to just get away. Our vision of discipline was completely different on how we should raise our kids. And her parents butted their nose in our business much too long trying to dictate what we should and shouldn't do throughout the entire time we've been together. I also have a child from an oopsie that happened back when I was 20 years of age. This time was also a struggle with my wife which put me through a depression. She was fine with my whole situation before but when my son was born she snapped. This may have been due to my wife and her being pregnant at the same time I'm not sure. Anyways, I have recently discovered my wife has cheated on me with a co worker. I long suspected this was going to happen or something was up with it. This guy felt off beat to me every time we met. I looked over some phone records and was appalled. I called my wife out on it and she denied anything was going on her anything physical had happened. She looked me in my eyes and said her love was for me and me only. I found that kind of strange since she wouldn't be transparent about the texts and emails being exchanged with this guy. All of her stuff was on lock down and I only had to go by her word. So I crafted an idea to say Verizon gave me a print out of the SMS data records to show the texts and I knew everything. From there she folded and told me it happened. My heart sunk and destroyed me into a million pieces. Supposedly this only happened "one" time and my wife stopped it shortly after they started to have sex. Now here's what gets me... Up until the point my wife knew I did not know what she had done she was still distant and argumentative with me. When I got her to admit what she had done she cried and told me how much of a mistake she had made and said she did not tell me cause she knew I'd leave her. I just don't know what to believe. For one thing I lost complete trust in my wife. Knowing she lied to my face making eye contact evaporated my trust in here. She kept this from me for about a little over a month while STILL being in contact with him daily. Even after she left her old job the phone records still showed calls coming and going from before work to after work and even at like 12AM and 2AM. So it got me thinking. If she's SO remorseful for what she did why did she still maintain communication? I even asked her that question and she claims she did so cause they "talked" about it and had nobody else to talk to about what had happened. And they both wanted to "salvage" their marriages bla bla bla. I told her a long time ago if she had ever cheated on me and we're done. And this is a supposed reason she did not tell me the truth. Now I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I've got so many mixed feelings it sucks big time. She feels tainted now. I also cannot trust what she tells me. She is all for us being together and she wants to prove it to me and earn my trust again and show her love for me. We've been having TONS of sex these past couple weeks but it still doesn't help me get past what she did. It's like a movie that keeps replaying in my head of what it was probably like etc.. Anyways, I'm hoping to get some advice from people who've lived in my shoes and what they did. I'm on the fence and don't have a clue. One day I feel different than another. One little thing can trigger a different emotion. It's weird and just feel lost! Thanks for reading..
dumped2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 My wife had been lying about some trips for 3 years. I found out in July 2012. I never trusted her again after that. Held on to a wasted year. Our divorce was final 2 weeks ago today so I wasted a year of my life.
RightThere Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I was there as well. Almost identical situation. One thing you'll need to realize with some people in affairs is they can't cut off the other man right away. It's just alike a regular relationship that they need to end and mourn for. Some are able to just cut it off and focus 100% right back on their marriage, but some are not. She's probably on the fence right now. If she was 100% committed to this other guy, she'd be gone. If she was 100% committed to you, she'd have cut the other guy off completely. If you want to work on it, you need to have some boundaries for your wife, and set a time limit (for yourself) for the ending of her affair relationship. And this piece of advice is very contrary to what others will probably tell you, but if you want to reconcile, she probably needs you to fight for her. You can also read about the "180 approach" which has worked very well for other people. But what you are feeling is normal. And the "tons of sex" right now is pretty normal as well. My opinion is that although it's great for you, it's allowing your wife to cover up what she should be dealing with. Some women find sex to be a drug that they use to cover up what is really going on with them. Hence the affair and now with you again.
lostinpgh Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I would say for me the lying to my face part is almost as bad as the actual cheating itself. It will probably take you a really long time to be able to build trust again for her, but it has been done by many so its not impossible. I always said the same thing to my husband. "If you ever cheat, I'll be gone. We can be 78 years old and I'll still leave" Now that I'm actually faced with the situation where he may have had an affair ( I still don't know for sure), deep down inside I know I could forgive him. I've read this in one of the many forums or books I've been reading, but when you think about what went down, immediately make your mind think of something else. Maybe you can have a go-to happy thought like your favorite food or a funny movie or something.
Misadventure Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 You need to go to counseling individually for you.. and then maybe together. DO not make any life changing decisions when you are upset. You need to start deciding when you are calm what you are willing to live with and live without. Is it possible to recover trust? Yes it is. But ... are you so disgusted and upset that you even want to? This is what you need to explore within yourself and your marriage. It is possible that she is genuine in saying that she wants to salvage the marriage. But without trust there is nothing. She needs to regain your trust.. and at some point you need to drop it and trust her- IF you choose to salvage the marriage. If not... then there is door number two.... Either way.. counseling for yourself and then together would be a good option so you can decide what you want to do and can do.
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