Omnislash Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Long story short and my first post so please bear with me. I was married for 10 years and was divorced almost a year to the date. It ended abruptly and was affair driven; she has since married the AP. We have split custody 50/50 so unfortunately communication with her from time to time cannot be avoided. I still feel sick to my stomach when I even hear or name, let alone see her. During the past year I had a 3 week fling literally a month before the divorce was final, but then shortly after met a girl that was great, she had some bruises as obviously did I, but the real difference was that her bruises had a long time to heal. Things took off rapidly, with I love you’s being exchanged within weeks, no sleep overs while I had the kids however eventually she was with us more and more. We made it 10 months; we did amazing things, traveled, concerts, sharing the same interests . Sex life was astounding and I felt unbelievably happy... until... Since her wounds had healed she was at a different spot in her life and ready to start thinking about more, she never expected a ring from me however I feel she wanted me to at least say someday there could be a ring a future, a forever. I couldn't do it, I couldn't recip. the feelings, and something was stopping me. Fight after fight after fight revolved around me not being able to think ahead and fear the past and live in the present. Then the bomb dropped and I slipped and called her the ex's name... 10 months of dating, close to a year of divorce. We fought about it to the point that I finally realized I was trailing her along, I didn't want to lose her but I didn't want to have to make promises. I cut the lines, I still haven’t given her my deepest feeling why but I ended it, and she hates me. Our final fight made me realize something more than I have in the past year... I am not over my marriage or my ex. I still feel bitter feelings, hatred, and sometimes even hope of things working out on very rare occasions. I use more energy hoping she fails than I do hoping for my happiness. I have now lost something that could have been amazing; I walked away from someone spectacular. My new focus is to break up with my ex-wife and move on. I am starting to see a therapist again and I am finally burning the mementos that my ex and I had exchanged over the 15 year relationship 10 year marriage. I don't need to hear get over it you deserve better. I need some clear cut methods of emotionally finalizing my divorce. I also don’t need, try to get new girlfriend back as I know the same faults will occur. I cannot destroy anyone else’s heart because I "think" I am over it. Any help at all
devilish innocent Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 To me, it sounds as though you're very much on the right track toward getting over your ex. You're seeking therapy. You're getting rid of stuff that reminds you of her. You sound as though you are limiting your meetings and conversations with her to things that are related to the kids. You're mostly seeing her as somebody that is not right for you. You know there are other women out there who are better for you. That is exactly where you need to be. I really believe that with some time you'll be in a much better position. One thing I would point out is that in the past 15 years, you've only been single for maybe a month or so. You haven't had a chance yet to adjust to life on your own. Some people can jump from relationship to relationship without taking time to adjust their lives in between, but you don't seem to be one of those people. I think you'll be much more ready for a new relationship when you can feel proud of the person you are on your own. I'd suggest taking this time to work on being happy with yourself. Spend quality time with friends and family. Take good care of your body by exercising, developing good sleep habits, and eating healthy. Get involved in hobbies and interests that excite you. Keep being a good father to your kids. Just learn how to have a full and happy life on your own. After you've learned to like the life you have by yourself, you'll be in a much better position to share it with somebody else. Good luck! 2
Mr Scorpio Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Devilish covered everything important. I'll add that you must commit to your therapy to receive the maximum benefit. Don't hold anything back. Don't feel ashamed for being there. Don't feel embarassed by your emotions. Don't feel bad for posting the same thoughts on here over, and over, and over.
Author Omnislash Posted October 4, 2013 Author Posted October 4, 2013 Thanks to both of you for the advice and motivational words. Yes Devilish, you are correct. not only have i only been "single" for about a month in the past 15 years, I met ex wife when i was 17, married at 21, divorced at 33 and now i am just kind of wandering around trying to figure out what to do. I have made a pact or goal so to speak of no dating for 1 year. I am going to try my hardest to do this, stay on track close out now 2 ended relationships, and then maybe i will be emotionally avaliable. Therapis appointment is next week, and i plan on spilling everything. Thank you!
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