What are we doing? Is he in this just for sex?

[tigerdog]

I'm 25 and started seeing this guy 5 weeks ago. My last 2 year relationship ended 5 months ago and the guy cheated on me, physically and emotionally abused me and left me broken hearted. I decided to stop dating and my job is relocating me half way across the world, literally in 4-5 months! It's a job relocation and I'm on a 1 year contract that can extend for 2 years. Anyway, I ended up meeting my neighbor who is very attractive, just moved here, and of course an opportunity for friendship presented itself. After a one hour hangout turned into 5 hours, with neither of us wanting it to end, it was clear there was romance. Anyway, we kept hanging out to the point where we hang out about 3 times a week, for a total of 10-15 hours each week! So we've spent close to 50+ hours together since meeting each other. For over 4 weeks he never made a move, I wasn't even sure if he liked me. During those 4 weeks he asked me shyly what we were doing, what I would do if I fell in love with someone before I left, and all these hypothetical questions.

 

Last Saturday things got to the point where he finally just came right out and asked what we were doing. He was very polite, was worried about me not being over my ex, worried about me moving half way across the world in 4 months. Worried we are hurting each other because of the inevitable move and how bad it would be if we fell in love with each other. We ended up kissing and it was great. However, there are 2 big problems.

 

1. I'm moving in 4 months. For me, I'm happy just taking this day by day and seeing what happens, how we feel, what we want. Yet, since we started kissing, it's clear he's been thinking about this a lot. Wondering how intimate we should get because we'll just get more attached and then I'll leave. Getting upset because I technically don't have to go. I could stay in the States and not leave but I really want to do this, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. By the time I'll leave we would have had 5 months together. With visa concerns it may even end up being 6 months. It's not terribly long but long enough to know what we want, an LDR, stay friends, etc. This is currently causing a problem cause it seems like he wants to define our friendship. And it's too early to define anything.

 

2. I'm worried he only wants sex. I NEVER thought this before we started kissing. Like I said, we hung out for almost 10-15 hours a week (at his place, wineries, dinner, movies) and he never tried to touch me once. He's been very sweet. He's lent me some furniture since he knows I'm moving soon and didn't think it was worth the investment. He's made me exquisite dinners just because I never had it before. He texts me everyday to see how I am and to wish me a goodnight. Even though we are neighbors, he respects my privacy. He invites me over regularly. We have deep and honest conversations. He would talk sexually with me, but it was flirty and just to make each other laugh. Now that we've started kissing, everything has been frustrating. He tries to go way too fast and I made it clear to him last night we need to slow down, and he got so frustrated, and said something about how I seem bad at sex?! It's making me regret kissing him in the first place. As friends, there was sexual tension but at least not all this pressure to have sex early on. And then he said something random about how I can't be upset if he sees other girls?! Then to make it more confusing... I told him, okay if you see other girls then let's go back to being non-intimate friends, and he said he wasn't going to see other women, he was just saying that.

 

After him saying that he thought I was bad at sex (again we have just kissed) I got offended and simply just left. I then texted him afterward saying that I really like him, really care about him, think he's awesome, feel lucky to have met him but realize the situation is not ideal. I told him the ball was in his court. We could just be platonic friends, go back to doing what we are doing and explore what the future has for us, or just stop hanging out entirely. He responded with... "I am confused right now. Have a goodnight"

 

I'm just curious what this is all about? Like I said, before the kissing started, it seemed like he was falling for me and we were just being friends. Once it began, now it feels like this is all about sex. It's very frustrating since we developed a really close friendship. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this?

[TB Rhine]

It sounds like you are the one who's conflicted, not him. He seems to be going full-speed ahead. All the "Should we be doing this?" talk is probably just him picking up what you're putting down and trying to lay (no pun intended) your anxieties to rest.

 

Don't pass up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, whatever you do. You'll wonder what might have been for the rest of your life.

[cif]

No i don't think he's in it just for sex. I agree with TB it seems like you're the one conflicted. What do YOU want?

[tigerdog]

Hmm I'm just not sure. It's still too early to know. I kind of just want to be friends and see where this goes but I'm not sure if that's a good enough answer. (?) Does what I want have to be more specific than this? and I'm not sure what you mean about him putting my anxieties to rest? Maybe I just missed something obvious.

[soccerrprp]

I think HE knows what he wants and yes, it is possibly just sex. You're leaving soon, so I think your options are:

 

1. Have a short-term, sexual relationship, or

2. Continue being acquaintances and possibly lose his "friendship"

 

He wants a physical relationship. You need to decide if you do.

 

His comment about you being bad with sex is a no-brainer to me. He is frustrated and mean-spirited. Good luck.

[venusishername]

I'm just curious what this is all about? Like I said, before the kissing started, it seemed like he was falling for me and we were just being friends. Once it began, now it feels like this is all about sex. It's very frustrating since we developed a really close friendship. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this?

 

Ok. Being 25, I give you the benefit of the doubt.. I'm not much older than you but I can give you some advice here about what this is about.

He's backing off because the natural course of romance is to eventually end up in bed. Of course it's flattering to have a man you like 'falling for you' and doing things to help you. We all want that. But you're not giving him what he wants, and YOU want too, am I right??

 

Why be so concerned about what people think, or if he's going to judge you if you sleep with him, etc? Thinking you're 'bad' at sex is obviously preventing you from enjoying something that is 100% totally natural between two people who are attracted to each other. Why would you deny yourself that? If you want him, even if you are moving in a few months, ENJOY IT. Do you want to look back months or years from now and have regrets?

He doesn't want to be your friend. Hope that helps.

[tigerdog]

Ok. Being 25, I give you the benefit of the doubt.. I'm not much older than you but I can give you some advice here about what this is about.

He's backing off because the natural course of romance is to eventually end up in bed. Of course it's flattering to have a man you like 'falling for you' and doing things to help you. We all want that. But you're not giving him what he wants, and YOU want too, am I right??

 

Why be so concerned about what people think, or if he's going to judge you if you sleep with him, etc? Thinking you're 'bad' at sex is obviously preventing you from enjoying something that is 100% totally natural between two people who are attracted to each other. Why would you deny yourself that? If you want him, even if you are moving in a few months, ENJOY IT. Do you want to look back months or years from now and have regrets?

He doesn't want to be your friend. Hope that helps.

 

Well I the whole saying "I'm bad at sex" thing without knowing at all if I'm bad at sex really turned me off to having sex with him. Please note I just got out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I am very sensitive to someone making comments like that to me. I'm willing to push it aside since we do have a close friendship, but my worries, is that this close friendship isn't really a friendship if he's more concerned about sex. It's pretty obvious that if this continues we will get intimate but I don't just jump into bed with people. I have 4 months left so maybe we will sleep together in a couple of weeks. Who knows. But we just kissed for the first time, 5 days ago, and have seen each other twice since then. I don't think it's the end of the world for both of us to just let things happen as they happen. Especially people who say comments like that to me. This isn't the first time he's said something a bit on the mean side. He gets frustrated and says things a bit with a temper. He apologizes immediately and admits he's being an a***hole and the last time it happened, there was a death in his family, so I let it slide.

 

I only have a few months left and I do want to spend it with people who actually care about me. I wasted 2 years on someone who ultimately did not give a crap about me. I think it would be a step in the wrong direction to have sex with someone who I truly thought really cared about me, but is now saying jerk things and is making me wonder if this is just another bad "whatever" developing.

 

EDIT: He is aware of everything that happened in my prior relationship. And I've been with guys who've been in an abusive, manipulative and horrible relationships and understand the importance of being patient about things and moving slow. Prior to us kissing, he seemed very understanding and compassionate but his response to things not moving fast seems really out of character, and again, we just kissed this past Saturday. I'm not sure how he can be that compassionate guy and get a bit of a temper about the sex stuff at the same time.

Edited October 3, 2013 by tigerdog

[venusishername]

Well I the whole saying "I'm bad at sex" thing without knowing at all if I'm bad at sex really turned me off to having sex with him. Please note I just got out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I am very sensitive to someone making comments like that to me. I'm willing to push it aside since we do have a close friendship, but my worries, is that this close friendship isn't really a friendship if he's more concerned about sex. It's pretty obvious that if this continues we will get intimate but I don't just jump into bed with people. I have 4 months left so maybe we will sleep together in a couple of weeks. Who knows. But we just kissed for the first time, 5 days ago, and have seen each other twice since then. I don't think it's the end of the world for both of us to just let things happen as they happen. Especially people who say comments like that to me. This isn't the first time he's said something a bit on the mean side. He gets frustrated and says things a bit with a temper. He apologizes immediately and admits he's being an a***hole and the last time it happened, there was a death in his family, so I let it slide.

 

I only have a few months left and I do want to spend it with people who actually care about me. I wasted 2 years on someone who ultimately did not give a crap about me. I think it would be a step in the wrong direction to have sex with someone who I truly thought really cared about me, but is now saying jerk things and is making me wonder if this is just another bad "whatever" developing.

 

I'm sorry, I was confused... I misread it as YOU told him that you were 'bad at sex'. Sure, I understand where you're coming from. I was also in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship in the past so I know how it feels to be put down constantly and not trust a new guy easily.

 

Just protect yourself, follow your instincts about this guy, and do what you feel is right for you. If you just want to spend time with this guy building trust, he should be ok with taking things slow. I was involved with someone after my last relationship who totally respected what I was going through and never pressed me. If he's pressuring you and saying mean things, (even if he brushes them off as 'just joking'), you don't need that in your life. Get the validation from someone else, a girl friend, or maybe even yourself.

[MalachiX]

Saying that you're "bad at sex" is rude and immature.

 

That said, given that you guys have been spending a HUGE amount of time together without anything sexual happening, it's a bit odd for you to suggest that he just wants you for sex (I hope you didn't actually say that to him).

 

There seems to be a tendency in some cases where, no matter how long a man courts someone without things getting physical, the second he starts to indicate a sense of sexual desire he gets accused of being in it just for the sex. There was a thread a while back which said, "been dating guy for six months and he's frustrated we havn't been intimate. I want to but need to make sure he's not just using me for sex." Guys who are just looking for sex don't stick around and spend that much time. They go for low-hanging fruit and will move onto someone easier

 

Sex is not the only part of a relationship but it is an important component. When a relationship goes a long time with one part missing (be it sex, ability to make each other laugh, or romantic compatability), it's naturally going to become a concern. It's like a car which is missing a wheel. That wheel is only one out of four wheels but, since it's missing, it gets more importance than it should.

 

A guy can feel frustrated if you've been spending this much time together with romantic intentions yet you keep putting the breaks on perhaps because you know you're not going to stay in the city. It can be frustrating because it can feel like you're keeping him on the hook until you figure out what you want, or that you like the attention he's giving you but don't want to actually commit to a relationship.

 

THAT SAID, I'm still kinda concerned that he was suggesting you were bad at sex. What exactly did he say if you don't mind me asking? Everything else you've described makes it seem like he's legitimately interested in you but hurt/frustrated that you don't want to move forward but saying that you're bad at sex sounds immature and petty which would make me reexamine the relationship (unless he said it jokingly to lighten the mood).

[tigerdog]

Saying that you're "bad at sex" is rude and immature.

 

That said, given that you guys have been spending a HUGE amount of time together without anything sexual happening, it's a bit odd for you to suggest that he just wants you for sex (I hope you didn't actually say that to him).

 

There seems to be a tendency in some cases where, no matter how long a man courts someone without things getting physical, the second he starts to indicate a sense of sexual desire he gets accused of being in it just for the sex. There was a thread a while back which said, "been dating guy for six months and he's frustrated we havn't been intimate. I want to but need to make sure he's not just using me for sex." Guys who are just looking for sex don't stick around and spend that much time. They go for low-hanging fruit and will move onto someone easier

 

Sex is not the only part of a relationship but it is an important component. When a relationship goes a long time with one part missing (be it sex, ability to make each other laugh, or romantic compatability), it's naturally going to become a concern. It's like a car which is missing a wheel. That wheel is only one out of four wheels but, since it's missing, it gets more importance than it should.

 

A guy can feel frustrated if you've been spending this much time together with romantic intentions yet you keep putting the breaks on perhaps because you know you're not going to stay in the city. It can be frustrating because it can feel like you're keeping him on the hook until you figure out what you want, or that you like the attention he's giving you but don't want to actually commit to a relationship.

 

THAT SAID, I'm still kinda concerned that he was suggesting you were bad at sex. What exactly did he say if you don't mind me asking? Everything else you've described makes it seem like he's legitimately interested in you but hurt/frustrated that you don't want to move forward but saying that you're bad at sex sounds immature and petty which would make me reexamine the relationship (unless he said it jokingly to lighten the mood).

 

Thanks for asking MalachiX! You are totally right. And that's definitely "my bad" about the sex thing. Honestly, I think I've become really uptight and untrusting about guy's intentions since my last relationship ended. I guess I have some more healing to do. I've never said that I think he's out for sex. He asked me if I thought that, and I said no. The only thing I told him, is that I don't want to lead him on and just need things to move slow.

 

Yes, he said that non-jokingly. He was 100% serious. I asked him if he was sarcastic and he said no. I asked him why he thought that, and he said it's because I'm shy. What?! His reaction to me being offended was also off. He apologized for offending me but felt the need to be brutally honest. This comment was really random. We were talking about something and it came from a comment about how he thinks I've never had good sex before. I told him I have had good sex, which led to him saying that he thinks I'm bad at sex from my demeanor. I am apologetic, shy and silly, which I thought he adored since he always laughs at me kindly and gives me a big hug. He's mentioned several times that he loves that about me. I was deeply hurt and told him he's the first guy I kissed since my ex, so sorry if I'm off my game or whatever, and just left. The first few minutes of kissing were awkward but once we got into it, it's been very passionate and fun. and he's commented on that several times, so I know it's not from a lack of chemistry. Either way, him saying that harsh comment definitely seems like a red flag, I'm just not sure what any of this means in the grand scheme of things.

[tigerdog]

I'm sorry, I was confused... I misread it as YOU told him that you were 'bad at sex'. Sure, I understand where you're coming from. I was also in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship in the past so I know how it feels to be put down constantly and not trust a new guy easily.

 

Just protect yourself, follow your instincts about this guy, and do what you feel is right for you. If you just want to spend time with this guy building trust, he should be ok with taking things slow. I was involved with someone after my last relationship who totally respected what I was going through and never pressed me. If he's pressuring you and saying mean things, (even if he brushes them off as 'just joking'), you don't need that in your life. Get the validation from someone else, a girl friend, or maybe even yourself.

 

Thanks, I really needed to hear that!

 

Aww and to add to the comment from above. We started this conversation cause he was trying to find additional reasons for why I was moving slow. He figured it was because I didn't know how good sex could be. When I informed him that I have had good sex, he declared that I was bad at it, which would explain my strangeness about the whole thing. Again, not a joke. And he asked me to leave when I inquired if everything was alright with him, since I couldn't understand the rude comment.

Edited October 3, 2013 by tigerdog

[MalachiX]

Thanks for asking MalachiX! You are totally right. And that's definitely "my bad" about the sex thing. Honestly, I think I've become really uptight and untrusting about guy's intentions since my last relationship ended. I guess I have some more healing to do. I've never said that I think he's out for sex. He asked me if I thought that, and I said no. The only thing I told him, is that I don't want to lead him on and just need things to move slow.

 

Yes, he said that non-jokingly. He was 100% serious. I asked him if he was sarcastic and he said no. I asked him why he thought that, and he said it's because I'm shy. What?! His reaction to me being offended was also off. He apologized for offending me but felt the need to be brutally honest. This comment was really random. We were talking about something and it came from a comment about how he thinks I've never had good sex before. I told him I have had good sex, which led to him saying that he thinks I'm bad at sex from my demeanor. I am apologetic, shy and silly, which I thought he adored since he always laughs at me kindly and gives me a big hug. He's mentioned several times that he loves that about me. I was deeply hurt and told him he's the first guy I kissed since my ex, so sorry if I'm off my game or whatever, and just left. The first few minutes of kissing were awkward but once we got into it, it's been very passionate and fun. and he's commented on that several times, so I know it's not from a lack of chemistry. Either way, him saying that harsh comment definitely seems like a red flag, I'm just not sure what any of this means in the grand scheme of things.

 

I agree. Sounds like a red flag.

 

As I said before, I can totally understand that this guy feels frustrated and perhaps feels like he's being kept on a hook but that doesn't justify him attacking you and making you feel bad about yourself. Though I was initially inclined to think that the problem was you are too hesitant because of your last relationship, maybe you've been putting the breaks on because you sense something is wrong with this dude.

 

As a guy, I've gotten annoyed when a woman interprets any sexual advance as a sign I'm "just looking for sex." It hurts my feelings because it suggests that being sexual at all makes me a dog or something even though I take longer to sleep with someone than all of my friends. Despite these frustrations, I've never insulted a woman if she's done this. I'll usually say something along the lines of, "We're dating because I want to be with you and I'm hoping this will go somewhere but it feels weird that we're halting any sort of sexual relationship because you don't seem to trust me." I like this to be a conversation because we're both adults and are capable of discussing these things without insulting each other.

 

If this guy got mean so quickly, it sounds like there might be something up. I'm also now a bit concerned given your history with abuse relationships. It can be frustrating for any guy to have to deal with the sins of a woman's previous boyfriend but he should be able to discuss this with you without being mean.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that, maybe you should be a bit more willing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt in the future but, in this case, your caution may have revealed this guy to be what you feared (kinda a Catch 22).

 

I think this guy probably wants more than just sex as all his comments and actions indicate he's looking for a real relationship but his response to you putting on the breaks may indicate that he's potentially domineering or even verbally abusive.

 

That said, you've only described ONE incident so it still seems a bit premature for you to cut contact immediately. I'd be frank with him, tell him that his comment really hurt your feelings and makes you feel cautious, but that you'd still be interested in seeing if there's something there. He might accept that and you guys will keep going out. He might dislike that but still manage to tell you in a polite way that he isn't interested in continuing to date if you're going to be so cautious. OR, he might say something else which is rude/nasty. If he does the latter, then you'll know for sure that he's not as nice a guy as he seems.

 

Good luck. I wish I could give clearer advice but most relationships, as all things, aren't clear cut.

[tigerdog]

Thanks MalachiX! I really appreciate your input greatly! I sent him a text message last night and he can respond to that if he wants. He technically already responded vaguely last night but I'm not in the mood to reach out to someone who has hurt my feelings, and you are right... this is a red flag that I can't ignore. I've ignored red flags in the past and ended up paying for it later.

 

I'll see what happens. You are right. Maybe this isn't an issue of sex anymore, but he definitely seems controlling and domineering. I mentioned before that he was rude to me when his relative died. For a friendship, I can let things slide, but for romance, I do view these as red flags. I'll see what happens. Perhaps he needs some space to think about this, but if we are as close as I thought we were, and if he's a nice guy, I'm sure I'll hear from him in some capacity.

[giblesp]

"and said something about how I seem bad at sex?!"

 

And that's the point where its time to call it a day. If he's coming out with selfish, inconsiderate rubbish like this, what would he be like 6 months or a year down the line?

 

If you've been emotionally abused by your ex, don't get into another situation like that again. What he said here was a form of abuse. You never tell a girl she's bad at sex. That's an insult!

 

Go and enjoy your new opportunities and fresh start.

[pteromom]

This isn't the first time he's said something a bit on the mean side. He gets frustrated and says things a bit with a temper.

 

As someone who previously was in an abusive relationship, this should be a BIG FAT RED FLAG to you. Isn't this how your ex started.... just mean little comments meant to tear you down or make you feel inferior?

 

I would not sleep with this guy. All it is going to do is confuse your heart. You need to focus on getting ready to go on your once-in-a-lifetime trip, and put this guy back in the friendzone or neighbor-zone.

[pteromom]

Just tell him that you really like him, but since you are going away, getting into a relationship isn't the right move for you right now, and break it off.

 

I know that part of past abuse is questioning yourself. Wondering if you see "abuse" where there is none because you are hyper-sensitive to it.

 

But I promise you - one thing your ex did is sharpen your senses. Do not ignore your gut. When you get that ZING from a comment that is mean-spirited or meant to control or gain power over you in some way, that ZING is real. That's your instinct telling you to protect yourself from this person.

 

In all future relationships, RESPECT should be your #1 criteria. When a guy respects you, he accepts who you are. He doesn't try to manipulate or control you. He gives you the space to be you, without imposing his own pre-conceived notions of what you SHOULD be doing. Accept nothing less.

[tigerdog]

As someone who previously was in an abusive relationship, this should be a BIG FAT RED FLAG to you. Isn't this how your ex started.... just mean little comments meant to tear you down or make you feel inferior?

 

I would not sleep with this guy. All it is going to do is confuse your heart. You need to focus on getting ready to go on your once-in-a-lifetime trip, and put this guy back in the friendzone or neighbor-zone.

 

Just wanted to clarify the reason this is hard for me to understand is I think abuse is different for every individual. With my ex, he was definitely abusive. The physical abuse happened at the end of our 2 year relationship and we immediately broke up. He choked me and had always been gentle before. The emotional abuse happened after 6 months of dating. He never had a temper with me, but would beat down at my self-esteem, calling me rude, saying his friends didn't like me, minimizing my problems, stuff like that. This is the type of abuse my ex-boyfriend gave me, and is nothing like what's going on with this new guy. This new guy seems to care a lot about his words, and prior to last night, really spent a lot of time being gentle and considerate about my feelings. I did not really sense any real warning signs.

 

He was rude a couple of weeks ago but it was nothing like this. It wasn't personal. He just responded angrily to a text message where I misinterpreted a movie plot. Again, it was nothing personal... just an angry response to something minor. He immediately apologized (like 2 minutes after he responded that way) and said that his family member had died. Given that he is my neighbor I noticed he took a couple of days off work. I let it go since people react in strange ways during a death. I let it go.

 

Last night was the first time where he said something completely rude, personal and unprovoked. I just wanted to clarify since my ex was not abusive in this manner, and this guy was rude to me before but it was a momentary thing and I knew he was upset for his family. I believe you are right. Maybe keep him as a friend or just a neighbor and let him go as a romantic partner.

Edited October 3, 2013 by tigerdog

[pteromom]

This new guy seems to care a lot about his words, and prior to last night, really spent a lot of time being gentle and considerate about my feelings. I did not really sense any real warning signs.

 

Last night was the first time where he said something completely rude, personal and unprovoked. I just wanted to clarify since my ex was not abusive in this manner, and this guy was rude to me before but it was a momentary thing and I knew he was upset for his family. I believe you are right. Maybe keep him as a friend or just a neighbor and let him go as a romantic partner.

 

Thanks for clarifying. It still counts as a red flag to me though... he didn't get what he wanted (sex) and his response was to tear YOU down, in order to make you the "loser" in the situation.

 

At any rate, even if he is a wonderful guy who made a poor judgment call and wouldn't normally be mean, what do you gain by sleeping with him? You'll just be stuck having to choose between him and your job opportunity, so you would just be buying drama for yourself when it isn't necessary.

[tigerdog]

Just tell him that you really like him, but since you are going away, getting into a relationship isn't the right move for you right now, and break it off.

 

I know that part of past abuse is questioning yourself. Wondering if you see "abuse" where there is none because you are hyper-sensitive to it.

 

But I promise you - one thing your ex did is sharpen your senses. Do not ignore your gut. When you get that ZING from a comment that is mean-spirited or meant to control or gain power over you in some way, that ZING is real. That's your instinct telling you to protect yourself from this person.

 

In all future relationships, RESPECT should be your #1 criteria. When a guy respects you, he accepts who you are. He doesn't try to manipulate or control you. He gives you the space to be you, without imposing his own pre-conceived notions of what you SHOULD be doing. Accept nothing less.

 

You are 100% correct. Respect should be my #1 criteria and that comment about how I seem bad at sex was definitely disrespectful. Even if we had sex, this would have been disrespectful regardless.Thanks for reminding me of this. I tend to try to see the positive side of people and give second chances, but that ended up wasting so much of my time with my prior ex. I'll keep him open as a friend but perhaps nothing else should come of this. Thanks again!

[tigerdog]

Thanks for clarifying. It still counts as a red flag to me though... he didn't get what he wanted (sex) and his response was to tear YOU down, in order to make you the "loser" in the situation.

 

At any rate, even if he is a wonderful guy who made a poor judgment call and wouldn't normally be mean, what do you gain by sleeping with him? You'll just be stuck having to choose between him and your job opportunity, so you would just be buying drama for yourself when it isn't necessary.

 

You are right. It is still disrespectful and if it happens this early in our interactions, it will keep happening. And knowing there is an expiration date, there seems little reason to keep putting myself at risk for more pain. I'll keep all this in mind!

[tlegend]

I'm sorry, but am I the only one viewing this from a different perspective?

 

You are leading this guy on. Completely.

 

YOU dont know what you want. You are tossing up in the air whether or not you should be romantically involved with this individual when you ALREADY know that you are leaving in 4 months.

 

YOU also allowed the kissing to happen, and for the conversation to become intimate. YOU allowed him to think that there could be a possibility of more than a friendship.

 

I 100% agree that his change of attitude into a narcissistic temper tantrum coupled with a "you're bad in bed" comment is a HUGE red flag. If this is indeed how he handles his problems, then you may need to make a decision based off that.

 

However, in the meantime, stop pretending like you didn't bring this upon yourself and this is out of left field. I feel like you are trying to take 0 accountability in what has transpired, and what is to come.

 

If you do not plan on turning this into something intimate or a relationship, then why are you even allowing conversations and "feelings" to manifest out of this situation. Not only are you setting yourself up to hurt once you leave (As you have made VERY clear you have all intentions of leaving), but you have willingly tried to bring someone else onto that train of hurt.

 

I agree with the person who said you should make your intentions known, and then make a decision on what you want to do with this guy and stop ****ing with his head.

[tigerdog]

I'm sorry, but am I the only one viewing this from a different perspective?

 

You are leading this guy on. Completely.

 

YOU dont know what you want. You are tossing up in the air whether or not you should be romantically involved with this individual when you ALREADY know that you are leaving in 4 months.

 

YOU also allowed the kissing to happen, and for the conversation to become intimate. YOU allowed him to think that there could be a possibility of more than a friendship.

 

I 100% agree that his change of attitude into a narcissistic temper tantrum coupled with a "you're bad in bed" comment is a HUGE red flag. If this is indeed how he handles his problems, then you may need to make a decision based off that.

 

However, in the meantime, stop pretending like you didn't bring this upon yourself and this is out of left field. I feel like you are trying to take 0 accountability in what has transpired, and what is to come.

 

If you do not plan on turning this into something intimate or a relationship, then why are you even allowing conversations and "feelings" to manifest out of this situation. Not only are you setting yourself up to hurt once you leave (As you have made VERY clear you have all intentions of leaving), but you have willingly tried to bring someone else onto that train of hurt.

 

I agree with the person who said you should make your intentions known, and then make a decision on what you want to do with this guy and stop ****ing with his head.

 

For the record, the "YOU"s should be changed to "WE"s. I did not force this guy to kiss me. Just last night he said that we kissed each other. We both are doing this.

 

In terms of taking accountability, before his statement yesterday, I was strongly considering approaching an LDR. That was how this conversation was approached yesterday. I can't predict the future, but last night we were supposed to talk about what we wanted. If things go great, we could do an LDR or if this isn't something either of us want... however that conversation began and somehow drifted into sex. To be honest, I'm not sure he wanted to talk about it.

 

So I sent him a text message last night making it clear that I really liked him romantically and leaving the ball in his court. We can either move forward and see what happens... either us wanting an LDR, a natural "breakup" and just dating like normal OR we stay friends and just hang out OR we stop hanging out and prevent this from happening.

 

The whole point of this is that I do not want to lead him on. I am not taking 0 accountability. This is a weird situation. However, I went with it because I have friends and family who did this. Met someone right before they were leaving, had a strong connection, saw where it went and it developed into a long lasting relationship. So anything is possible, right? I've been completely honest with him about what I wanted. I made it clear that I can leave after a year, which in the scheme of LDRs, isn't all that bad. 6 months together, a year apart, not that terrible... It's just too early to know if we both want that, and a lot of pressure to put on someone right now.

 

And I tried having a mature conversation with him about this yesterday, but it went south really fast. I'm just explaining this because this is a poor situation. I did not seek him out. I thought we were hanging out as friends and things just happened that way. In relationships there's a whole lot of things you shouldn't do like dating coworkers, rebounds, impending long distance relationships, etc. Feelings got in the way and I just went with it. Anyway, maybe it's just best to cut him off anyway so it probably doesn't matter anymore.

[tigerdog]

Okay one quick question for anyone still reading this... what is the best way to handle things like this in the future? For instance, I meet a guy in the new country I'm going to. Am only there for 1 - 2 years. I am making an honest assumption that I'm not going to meet anyone there until after a solid few months of living there, since I'll be busy traveling, the new job, making new friends. And then bam, faced with this exact situation again.

 

People seem to think that I'm handling this badly, so for the future and trust me, this will happen again if there is no future with this guy which there likely isn't... how am I supposed to handle this without putting so much pressure on the guy upfront about long distance nonsense? Again this is halfway around the world. Bi-continental.

Edited October 3, 2013 by tigerdog

[MalachiX]

I'm sorry, but am I the only one viewing this from a different perspective?

 

You are leading this guy on. Completely.

 

YOU dont know what you want. You are tossing up in the air whether or not you should be romantically involved with this individual when you ALREADY know that you are leaving in 4 months.

 

YOU also allowed the kissing to happen, and for the conversation to become intimate. YOU allowed him to think that there could be a possibility of more than a friendship.

 

I 100% agree that his change of attitude into a narcissistic temper tantrum coupled with a "you're bad in bed" comment is a HUGE red flag. If this is indeed how he handles his problems, then you may need to make a decision based off that.

 

However, in the meantime, stop pretending like you didn't bring this upon yourself and this is out of left field. I feel like you are trying to take 0 accountability in what has transpired, and what is to come.

 

If you do not plan on turning this into something intimate or a relationship, then why are you even allowing conversations and "feelings" to manifest out of this situation. Not only are you setting yourself up to hurt once you leave (As you have made VERY clear you have all intentions of leaving), but you have willingly tried to bring someone else onto that train of hurt.

 

I agree with the person who said you should make your intentions known, and then make a decision on what you want to do with this guy and stop ****ing with his head.

 

Doesn't sound like she's taking no accountability. Sounds like she's aware that she could have dealt with intimacy in a different way. That said, perhaps some hesitation is understandable after an abusive relationship.

 

That said, I think it's an incredible mistake to suggest that her finding a potentially narsisstic (or even abuse) guy is in any way related. Guys don't get turned into controlling jerks by a woman being wish-washy. Men who have that side to them will always have it there and it sometimes just takes an experience of not getting what they want to reveal this nasty side. There are plenty of good guys who might get their feelings hurt and move on but wouldn't insult her for her hesitation.

 

It's like that whole "nice guy" debate. A lot of nice guys (perhaps should read "shy/sensitive guys") get frustrated when it seems like a lot of women are more attracted to "jerks" (i.e. men who display a set of characteristics called the "dark triad" that tend to be negative and bad for relationships but that some studies show is viewed as "attractive" by a plurality of women). Now, some of these "nice guys" might get frustrated but that's it. They'll stay home, lick their wounds, and try again. Others start spouting misogynistic BS to anyone who will listen and become very bitter and anti-woman. The guys who do the latter have always had a streak of misogyny in them just as a lot of the more successful "jerks" do. Being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you're going to hate women when you get rejected but that's a situation where many supposed "nice guys" show their true colors.

[MalachiX]

Okay one quick question for anyone still reading this... what is the best way to handle things like this in the future? For instance, I meet a guy in the new country I'm going to. Am only there for 1 - 2 years. I am making an honest assumption that I'm not going to meet anyone there until after a solid few months of living there, since I'll be busy traveling, the new job, making new friends. And then bam, faced with this exact situation again.

 

People seem to think that I'm handling this badly, so for the future and trust me, this will happen again if there is no future with this guy which there likely isn't... how am I supposed to handle this without putting so much pressure on the guy upfront about long distance nonsense? Again this is halfway around the world. Bi-continental.

 

Yeah, it's a big deal but you honestly won't get a sense of how much the relationship is worth unless you try it. The most serious relationship I've ever had was with someone who I met knowing that we would only be in the same city for one year. We started going out during our last year of undergrad and had agreed to end it when we graduated since we'd be in different cities afterwards. When we got to graduation, we loved each other enough to try the long distance thing. We kept that up for almost two years before we broke up (with, of course, visits in between).

 

On the one hand, the long distance thing was part of what eventually killed that relationship. On the other hand, I can safely say that at 29 years old, I've never quite loved someone the way I loved her. I hope I'll get to experience love like that again but, as it stands, I don't regret having it happen (even though that relationship also stopped me from really getting comfortable dating in my early 20s). You can't quantify the value of any relationship.

 

I suggest you just keep an open mind. Maybe you'll love someone enough to try to make a bi-continental thing work. Maybe you'll decide you want to stay in Europe or maybe he'll decide he wants to come back with you to the states. Considering this "guy" is 100% hypothetical, worrying about this kinda thing years in advanced is probably not the best thing.