holly12345 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I was broken up with three weeks ago now. My ex boyfriend does not want to give me a second chance because of a number of things... 1) because he thinks it's weak and he'd never be able to say no to me again. 2) he doesn't trust I won't hurt him again. 3) he believes he doesn't make me happy any more. 4) he doesn't believe I won't wake up one day and realise he's the reason I'm unhappy. 5) he felt if we carried on he might begin to resent me and eventually that'd lead to not loving me. 6) he feels whatever my mood is, his mood would mirror it. Now call me crazy, these are issues that can be worked on, right? But only if both parties are willing. He of course is not and is trying to not 'love me any more' as it's 'too little too late'. What factors are missing/could be thrown into the equation to make reconciliation possible? I just want to understand what makes this so impossible.
FierceFoxie Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Time. Give this man space and time. Do not contact him. Do not beg or plead for another chance. Do not tell him you still love him. Totally disappear off his radar. All of those issues you listed are his concerns and you cannot change them, in fact arguing against them will cause him to shut down. He needs to be the one to rationalize all those things on his own. If he discovers after some time that he has made a mistake, then he will reach out to you and let you know. In the meantime, you need to put the focus on you, start your healing and moving on. If you are meant to be, things will work out and if not, well then you will get your answer by no reconciliation. 2
Author holly12345 Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 All of those issues you listed are his concerns and you cannot change them, in fact arguing against them will cause him to shut down. He needs to be the one to rationalize all those things on his own. I do not wish to argue against his concerns, I would work with them if he was willing but he isn't. I am aware. What do you mean by rationalizing them exactly? And do you mean I cannot change his concerns or the concerns simply cannot be changed.
tma Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I am in the exact same boat as you here, except I was the one who broke up with him because he wasn't giving back to me emotionally with affection and compliments and attention etc. It was always me initiating everything. Now my ex feels the same way as yours does because of me breaking up with him. It has been 1 week NC for us since I told him that I was willing to work on things and that I would do whatever it took to make things work. He hasn't tried to contact me and vice versa and it is KILLING me. I don't know if keeping in contact would help things or if what I am doing is the right thing. I am scared it's just going to help him move on from me quicker and just completely give up on me... I completely agree that those issues that your ex has can be worked on, and that you should both fight for the relationship if it is worth fighting for. I really have no advice for you on the reconciliation part, because I have honestly no idea myself since I am going through the same thing. I hope things can work out for you though, just try and stay strong and keep us posted on things. 1
FierceFoxie Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 I do not wish to argue against his concerns, I would work with them if he was willing but he isn't. I am aware. What do you mean by rationalizing them exactly? And do you mean I cannot change his concerns or the concerns simply cannot be changed. What I mean by him rationalizing his list of concerns, is that it is not your job to argue why his concerns are untrue or don't matter. He said them so they are legit concerns of his. I think his reasons for the break-up can change after some time. Time allows for growth from both partners. As he grows during this time apart, it is quite possible that he will change his mind on some of his reasons why the relationship won't work. Although it is quite possible those things won't change from his perspective too but I tend to be more optimistic that those things can evolve and change for the better. For example: He says he can't trust you. Trust is built, so this is something that can be remedied. I am not suggesting you beg him for opportunity for him to trust you right now but should you get back in contact with him and start rebuilding a new friendship and a new relationship, trust can then be rebuilt. I also think that you can prove to him (even now) that you do not depend on him to make you happy. You do this by making yourself a priority and taking him off the pedastool. Start investing in yourself, what you want in life and the path you are going and your chances of turning this around and re-attracting him is higher. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 Now call me crazy, these are issues that can be worked on, right? But only if both parties are willing. He of course is not and is trying to not 'love me any more' as it's 'too little too late'. What factors are missing/could be thrown into the equation to make reconciliation possible? I just want to understand what makes this so impossible. Nothing. It's entirely up to him to change his feelings on the situation. The only thing you can do is respect his decision and move forward for yourself. If he reconsiders, he knows where to find you. 1
Author holly12345 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 I think his reasons for the break-up can change after some time. Time allows for growth from both partners. As he grows during this time apart, it is quite possible that he will change his mind on some of his reasons why the relationship won't work. Although it is quite possible those things won't change from his perspective too but I tend to be more optimistic that those things can evolve and change for the better. For example: He says he can't trust you. Trust is built, so this is something that can be remedied. I am not suggesting you beg him for opportunity for him to trust you right now but should you get back in contact with him and start rebuilding a new friendship and a new relationship, trust can then be rebuilt. I also think that you can prove to him (even now) that you do not depend on him to make you happy. You do this by making yourself a priority and taking him off the pedastool. Start investing in yourself, what you want in life and the path you are going and your chances of turning this around and re-attracting him is higher. Initially after the break up I had a very hard time trying to give him the space he desired. I wanted to give it to him out of respect but was not in a position emotionally to do so. We met up for coffee and caught up, nothing me. We agreed on going down the friendship root but I needed another meet to actually communicate how that'd be possible. He feels he needs two weeks away from me to disconnect and close the door on "us" as at the minute he still feels "under my spell". Which I'm able to do now, as hard as it is. You are right about his reasons changing though. He mentioned something new on the second meet. After I explained I had taken him for granted, he too said he had. I asked him to explain what he meant because it made no sense and he followed it by "I was taking things you did too personally and I couldn't bring myself to tell you". Again, an issue that he can work on. And would have to work on for future relationships to work :\ Right now, I have a sneaky suspicion he is already seeing someone else. I didn't ask because it's no longer my place, but if he is it would change a lot of things for me. He might not be, but my behaviour after the break up would've definitely been a factor that pushed him towards this new girl. It feels too soon for me to go on dates, and I have had offers. If he were to be seeing someone now it would definitely do a number on my self esteem. It just feels a lot like he is looking for new reasons as to why he broke up with me, ones that make more sense. He is strong minded and stubborn. When I did the whole begging for him back like a fool, it was like I was getting through to him but then he'd snap out of it and say he can't do it anymore. Referring to it as 'too little too late' and asking why I couldn't of 'done this sooner' makes me wondering. I'm trying the friendship root and will put my feelings aside if I have to. It's just, part of me will always want him. Friend or not! You speak a lot of sense and I plan to work on myself. But I am not sure how to handle our next meet because I clearly don't feel I fully understand the break up and why we can't try, I'm not sure what to do.
mkrainy Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 our situation is almost exactly the same except we were married. We were together for 4 years and broke up 10 months ago. I did NC, begged, pleaded, cried, better myself and anything. Nothing made him changed. I realized if he loved me, he would not have made me gone through all of that. I made my mistake but I did truly love him and now he thought he would never be happy with me. He said he would never come back. I don't know what to do anymore as well. Every problem we had, I thought we could have worked on it. He said it's too late and he's gone now. Nothing we do can change their mind except themself.
harrybrown Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Do something for yourself today. Get exercise, go shopping, or do something with a friend. You should go NC on him. Maybe he will realize he made a mistake, but if he does not come back, you should move on. It is better that this happened now than if you were married. In time, do take the offers for dating when you are ready.
BC1980 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I was broken up with three weeks ago now. My ex boyfriend does not want to give me a second chance because of a number of things... 1) because he thinks it's weak and he'd never be able to say no to me again. 2) he doesn't trust I won't hurt him again. 3) he believes he doesn't make me happy any more. 4) he doesn't believe I won't wake up one day and realise he's the reason I'm unhappy. 5) he felt if we carried on he might begin to resent me and eventually that'd lead to not loving me. 6) he feels whatever my mood is, his mood would mirror it. Now call me crazy, these are issues that can be worked on, right? But only if both parties are willing. He of course is not and is trying to not 'love me any more' as it's 'too little too late'. What factors are missing/could be thrown into the equation to make reconciliation possible? I just want to understand what makes this so impossible. I don't think you are in the right space to be considering a second chance right now. I learned this lesson myself. You need several months of NC to focus on yourself and do your own thing. The more you obsess on a second chance, immediately after a breakup, the more you sabotage it. You have to accept that you may not even want a second chance in time, and that a second chance may not be a wise decision were it to present itself. Get yourself to a place where you can see more objectively. It's such a waste of time to rehash the problems of the relationship and how to fix them at this stage.
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