XNemesisX Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I heard about a book called "He's just not that into you" written by some writers from Sex and the City, I think it sounds really interesting. I read some excerpts from the net from this book and have already learned a lot. I want to get the book tomorrow. I think alot of us are holding on to something that just isn't there and don't want to accept it because it will hurt our feelings too much. The NC thread has been up forever. Maybe they just don't like us anymore! I think we all need to step out of denial. After hearing about this book it made a lot of sense to me. It hurts to think about being rejected but at least when we know that person just simply is not into us anymore, we can stop living off a pipe dream that will never happen and focus on meeting the person who likes us just as much as we do. Screw unrequited love. Its probably not a commitment phobia, just needing space, or any of those common excuses. They just aren't that into us! Its probably not REALLY all that complicated... Just a thought..
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Its a fantastic little book. While it tends to overgeneralize and not account for exceptions, it is very common sense type stuff. All you have to do is think of how you'd treat someone who liked you and you did not AT ALL share those same feelings, except maybe if you wanted to just sleep with them a few times but invest nothing emotional. Would you date them? Call them? Go out of your way for them? Heck no, you'd avoid them and hope they just leave you alone. It makes perfect sense when you think about it - sometimes its just very difficult to see through the fog of wishful thinking. You get a lot of women who if the guy isn't appearing to be in love with them, they just try all that much harder. There's nothing more annoying than having someone after you all the time when you simply just don't want to be with that person, or you are finished with them. So, they backpedal and tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you from going psycho on them while backing away slowly. No one wants a vindicitive woman stalking them, so if they can't ditch you completely and make a clean getaway, they'll play nicey nice and try to peel you off them slowly by damning you with faint, distracted affection. They'll treat you atrociously, but give you good lip service to soften the blow. Oh, and to protect themselves - no one likes guilt - and if you can get away with dumping a woman and make her think its you and not her, then... so much the better. Its meant well, really! Bottom line is, when a guy dumps you: usually, It really is you. He just doesn't want to be with you. He may want a relationship, and he may want marriage - he just doesn't want it with you. Unfortunately, a guy will chew his own arm off before saying that though - usually, anyway. They really ought to. It would be painful to hear, but wouldn't it be less painful than hanging onto something that only seems to be there and waiting it out uncertainly while he moves on? It becomes much easier for them if they find a new woman though. In that case, they tend to disappear much more quickly - if you come after them they'll try extra hard to make it easy on you because they don't want you coming after them AND their new girl, so you'll hear a lot of "not wanting to ruin the friendship", or "you mean so much to me that it scares me", or whatever else you might want to hear that will make you feel good enough to ignore the fact that you've been dumped. This guy didn't say anything that people didn't already know. People generally don't want to hear it and you rarely hear stuff like this said. Its brutal, but for the most part truthful.
helena abadi Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I read a lot about this book, within the past few days. It's brutally truthful, but it tends to polarize sex roles into black and white, and these days there's a lot of grey areas. It doesn't take exceptions to the rule into account. Equally, a woman breaking up with a man could say: It's not you, it's me. Most of us have a common thread of decency and the dumper doesn't want to make the dumpee feel too bad. There's nothing worse for a man having a vindictive, love-lorn woman stalking him, there's nothing worse for a woman having a revengeful ex-boyfriend stalking her, either. Why can't a woman write a book saying: She's Just Not Into You? It's true that women tend to stay emotionally connected to relationships longer than men. But I read somewhere that more women than men initiate divorce proceedings. This book says men are pursuers, and women should wait to be pursued. All the time. That's giving way too much power in relationships to men, and not much to women who are supposed to wait around to be chased. Yes, men are pursuers, it's probably genetic programming, nothing thrills them so much as a thrill of the hunt. In all areas of their lives. But when it comes to commitment, sometimes men need a nudge to get over their fears. The book argues that women, in being passive, have the power to reject. Personally, I think it's OK for the woman to make the first move, as long as she's not too aggressive about it, and allows room for the man to do a bit of chasing as well. It has been phenomenally successful, probably thanks to a huge promotion boost on Oprah. Can't get much better free publicity than that.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I'm definitely looking forward to a woman's version of this book. "She's Just Not That Into You". I don't expect it would be too much different, though.
bluechocolate Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 It's like a very long magazine article and as L.Borgia says, it's a lot of common sense stuff that doesn't really allow for exceptions or circumstance.
Afool4him Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I read parts of that book..I think it has more to do with new relationships rather than long lasting relationships. Yeah it's commone sense stuff, but let's face it...all those happily married couples out there, you are gonna tell me that during your courtship, you always called when you said you would & you would just drop everything to see the other person...spending every minute of every day & constantly talking to someone does not mean that the person IS into you...It means that the person is obsessed...in raltionships there are times to be together & there are times that you need to be an individual...I read 3 chapters of the book & got bored of hearing "He's just not that into you."
daphne Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I wish I hadn't spent money on the book. I thought it was funny, but honestly it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Shoot, I wish I had written the book. In my mind, other than circumstancial issues, it's just plain truth. lucrezia, loved your post. wonder if you're a guy or a girl. you seem to understand what's going on when a guy breaks up better than I've seen. as for "she's just not that into you"... guys wouldn't buy it. women tend to buy books on things that don't work out. My guess is that it's because women are far more willing to work on relationships and themselves than guys.
seductress989 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I read the book and was glad I bought it! Everything just made so much more sense. I got sick of wondering about certain guys and their feelings. Now I know, they're just not that into me and I can move on. The only thing I didn't like about the book was that it was based entirely on absolutes and common sense submitted from a male. I know that all men are different and there really aren't that many feasible excuses out there for those loser guys we think like us. I'm just glad I wasn't one of the women submitting some of those questions! I would feel horrible thinking I was that blind about a man who was never going to marry me! I'm being general, I know several of the questions dealt w/this common "committment" dilemma. In conclusion, I would definitely recommend this book to a single woman w/doubts or someone who wants answers on a compromising relationship.
gwennebe Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Has anyone read the "between boyfriends book"? Just curious. Can't remember who wrote it but I was thinking of getting it and wanted to know if it was any good. I read "He's just not that into you" It was of course common sense and stuff I already knew but it was nice to remind myself and it has helped out with the last two months of dating hell. It helps you weed out the losers. Of course I'm the typical bad boy magnet.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I'm curious about "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship". Curious to see what that's all about. Sounds interesting, anyway.
helena abadi Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 The doormat to bitch thing. Is that a book and where can I get it? Do you have any details? It sounds really interesting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Why Men Love Bitches Here is a blurb about it on Amazon. When I was last at the Barnes and Noble here in my town, they had plenty of copies of it as well.
Dakini Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I literally just read this book! Its so liberating. Just think of all that wasted time spent thinking about men .... I need to repeat the mantra, though, OFTEN!! I'm going through a rather tumultuous "relationship" at the moment and frankly, I need to realize that actions speak louder than words. Maybe, *repeat after me, girls* he's just not that into me. BTW, have you seen the Sex & the City episode where Miranda has this epiphany! Oh, its so funny. Not to be missed. Also, very curious as to Lucrezia's gender....
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 I'm a girl. A raging dyed-in-the-wool lifelong tomboy, but a girl nonetheless.
daphne Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Why Men Love Bitches is a classic must read, particularly for the girl who is "too nice" and doesn't think she should change even though she gets dumped, mistreated and taken for granted. I read the book but I wasted money on it. I'm already the "bitch" so to speak in most cases. I have learned that giving everything to a guy was needy and almost like trying to bargain or manipulate a guy to get him to treat you well (i.e. if I'm nice to you and put you first then you have to put me first). But when you hold your own and don't put up with bad behavior, that pretty much gets the guy to treat you better and if he doesn't you know he's bad beyond repair.
helena abadi Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Hey, thanks for the tip Lucrezia. I read about it on Amazon just now, and some of the reviews. Looks like it's worth a read.
Isabella82 Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Back to this book. I heard so many good reviews about this book so I looked at my work and found it. I seriously read this book within my half an hour lunch break. Then there was no reason for me to buy it. Life someone said before the book talked a lot about short term relationships and didn't really talk so much about long term relatioships. Personally if I have a short term relationship it doesn't affect me that much. I only emotionally get hurt when a long term relationship ends, because I have invested so much emotion and time into the relationship. I thought the book had so many holes in it, and a lot of it was of course common sense. It seriously wasn't an eye opener for me, or a oh I get it now! I wouldn't really recommend the book. So many great reviews made me disappointed. I think I could have wrote the book myself, it doesn't say much at all.
Gottabestrong Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 HI, I have to post my own little view on this book. I bought it and I am very happy with it. My favourite part of the book, that I reread every night is the "He is just not that into you if he is breaking up with you" chapter. I am in a situation where my guy broke up but would like for us to stay in contact. Reading this chapter every time gives me the energy and strength I need to not reply to his casual messages. As the book says, if he wants you back he will tell you so, in a straightforward unambivalent way. If he does not, cut him loose. Let him miss you and find out what life without you is really like. Love this advice and am applying it as good as possible. Today is day 14 of my NC. Have heard from him 4 times so far with some lame messages about 'checking in' and just 'wondering how you are'. For me the book was well worth it's money.
mischafan160 Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 Do you really think it's better to ignore the messages of your ex if he still wants to be friends? Why not stay friends with him, especially if you were friends before you went out...what if even in a couple years, things turn around and you guys get back together? Is it really so bad to keep in contact? I'm wondering for my own situation...I really think that my ex just has to mature and grow up (we're 19) before he can be the kind of committed partner that I, or ANY girl that he ends up with, deserves. So why not keep in contact until he does grow up?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 It depends on whether or not he is genuine in his wanting to be friends. Sometimes people are genuinely interested in being friends afterward, and sometimes its just a way to let someone down easily with a minimum of guilt. A lot of times the guy will be calling because he genuinely does care for you and probably even misses you. That doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you though. Being friends means setting aside any unresolved romantic feelings. If that isn't possible, one or the other has to be left alone in order for those feelings to subside and to be resolved. That means 'no contact'. Its a healing period, a time out. Then is it possible to be friends later on? Maybe. It depends really on whether you are interested in knowing the person outside of a romantic relationship. I know there have been cases where once the romance was dead, I never and I mean NEVER wanted to see the person again. Other times, the person was someone I wanted to get to know whether or not there was romance involved. Every case is unique. HJNTIY is a very generalized book. It makes sense for the most part, but there will always be cases where it doesn't apply.
Gottabestrong Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 Hi, I definitely would like to be friends with my ex down the line. He is a great guy, and the only thing I can hold against him is that he does not want to be my boyfriend anymore. (Can't really hold that against him, can I?) But at the moment, I am not emotionally ready to be friends with him because I still love him very much and every time I have contact with him, I get my hopes up. For the first 1.5 months of our breakup I was in nearly daily contact with him (mostly initiated by him) and all it achieved was that at the end he told me he did not miss me, love me or want to be with me anymore. Made me feel really good as you can imagine. So now I want to have an extended period of NC so that I can accept the fact that it is really over and get to grips with it. In a few months down the line, when I am ready to be just friends with him I will surely send him a message and find out how he is doing. I am keeping in touch with all my exes because I want to be in touch with a person that I once loved so much that they were the most important person in my life.
alphamale Posted December 5, 2004 Posted December 5, 2004 i saw this book at the store and read it for about 15 minutes... it is full of bullkrap and does not take into account human emotions, failings and irrationality. it is full of idealistic banter to keep women positive and upbeat about their relations with men but you can't really apply any of this krap in real life. one of the pieces of advice is "don't sit by the phone waiting for some guy you like to call" yeah right, like this will ever come to pass! If there is some guy a chick likes I guarantee she'll be waiting by the phone to some extent.
helena abadi Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Lucrezia, you are right that friendship can only be possible if romantic feelings are resolved on both sides. And that a man can still love, still care, but not want to resume the relationship. I'm not ready to accept those feelings. I'm still so furious and hurt. Maybe after some years I will be able to have some sort of contact with my former man, but I'm still not sure. After several weeks of fractured No Contact with my ex and terrible pain over the breakup, I told him I was moving 3000km away, back home, and it hit a chord. He doesn't want this, but if he doesn't want back in, with some modifications for his unacceptable behaviour, then I'm still leaving. I read a lot about how to cope with breaking up, and in the end my opinion is, if you have been wronged, don't hide the pain, they need to know what pain they have caused you, but keep a dignified face in public. No way was I going to let him walk away without knowing what hurt is happening. Hell, why should he get off lightly? He wanted to get off lightly, I know it for sure, but it would have been insulting to myself to pretend to be brave when I was screaming out in pain. So I let him have it! But in a private meeting, and in a letter, which he read. But I have put evidence (photos, etc) of the relationship in a bundle and out of the way so I can't see them every day, changed my hair style, lost some weight, bought some new clothes and taken care to look good, because it helps my self-esteem, helps me move on, and in this case, my ex has noticed and he's looking at me with longing and regret. Good. I'm not gonna call him. It's nice to have the upper hand, for a change.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Originally posted by helena abadi changed my hair style, lost some weight, bought some new clothes and taken care to look good, because it helps my self-esteem, helps me move on I'm glad to hear you are doing some "you" things. It really does help in the process.
helena abadi Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Thanks, yes it does. High time I focused more on my life. And that's a total understatement. I read Lost Guide to No Contact, V3, on another thread and I think the guy who wrote this is the No Contact Guru. I'm following it and IT WORKS. So, you're really good at empathisizing with people on this forum, and handing out sage advice... how's your life? Are you OK? Seriously, sincerely, you sound like a great person to have as a friend.
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