rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 If you were to confess.. How would you do it? Just blurt it out? To me it feels like pulling a trigger, I can't bring myself to do it.
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I would think you should sit down some where private. Let that person know you haven't been happy and what you have been doing. Be prepared for tears, yelling and a look of disgust. Be prepared to answer any and all questions TRUTHFULLY. DO NOT leave anything out. Realize that any omissions and lies will come out eventually and just cause major set backs. Be ready for him not to trust you and ask to see your phone and computer along with all the passwords for awhile. And I am pretty sure that he will tell the BW too. DO NOT talk about this in front of the kids. It isn't so much about pulling a trigger as pulling the plug on something you should not have been doing in the first place. Or in your case think of it as putting a nail in the coffin so that MOM leaves you the heck alone. Please do not put this off. 3
cif Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Rae, are you seriously going to ruin your marriage and kids' lives because you had sex with someone once last year?
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 cif...that is something people should think about before they cheat....not after. 2
cif Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 cif...that is something people should think about before they cheat....not after. I agree. But it happened. Now OP needs to go into damage control not destroy her life for having sex with someone once last year.
Author rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Rae, are you seriously going to ruin your marriage and kids' lives because you had sex with someone once last year? I would not be confessing with the hopes of reconciliation. If I confessed it would be to end my marriage. What we've done, will be considered sex, the only reason it was ever brought up that we had actual full out sex only once was because people brought up pregnancy. Even the times we've only kissed would be seen as just as bad by our spouses.
Author rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I agree. But it happened. Now OP needs to go into damage control not destroy her life for having sex with someone once last year. I don't plan on exposing this, but if this guy decides he's going to I don't have much choice. If I can, I would like to just put this behind me, work on my marriage, and raise my kids.. But another part of me says I would finally be really happy with this guy.. If we could be together.. BUT crushing my husband and best friend in order to be with him would likely make it impossible to look myself in the mirror. I just don't see how I could be happy knowing I had done that.
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I agree. But it happened. Now OP needs to go into damage control not destroy her life for having sex with someone once last year. So you are one that would die on your sword instead of coming clean and giving your marriage a chance? Not a smart move. A lot of BSs don't put up that crap. Let me put it this way....DAMAGE CONTROL is a death sentence to a marriage. 5
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I don't plan on exposing this, but if this guy decides he's going to I don't have much choice. If I can, I would like to just put this behind me, work on my marriage, and raise my kids.. But another part of me says I would finally be really happy with this guy.. If we could be together.. BUT crushing my husband and best friend in order to be with him would likely make it impossible to look myself in the mirror. I just don't see how I could be happy knowing I had done that. Then you need to let both MOM and your "bestfriend" go. But you know that and have been told that over and over again.
Copelandsanity Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Rae, are you seriously going to ruin your marriage and kids' lives because you had sex with someone once last year? Having sex is bad enough, but there's also the other physically intimate acts, the constant lying and hiding of her true self. Her best friend is involved, too. The truth is that the marriage and her kids' lives are already ruined and they continue to be further ruined the longer the dishonesty lasts. Confessing is the only solution. She can never fulfill her true potential as a person by living out the rest of her life in a lie. The rate at which she performs her vicious cycle is simply unsustainable. Once the truth comes out, people can mourn, get help, heal, move on and live happier lives for it. 2
RainDown Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I agree. But it happened. Now OP needs to go into damage control not destroy her life for having sex with someone once last year. It doesn't seem to me that the OP is asking whether or not she should confess; she is asking for advice about how to confess. I have never had to confess an affair, but I have confessed to other misdeeds in the past. I've never found an easy way to do it. It takes courage and integrity to go to someone you've wronged and confess to them what you did. If you can't bring yourself to "pull the trigger", do you think you might be able to do it in a letter? Not an email or text - an honest to God pen to paper letter. Is it possible to do it in a counseling session? Or with your pastor present? The support of a level-headed third party can make these things easier. I don't know what to tell you. It's going to be unpleasant (for both you and your husband) no matter how you do it. But I do think you'll feel better once it's done. I hope it works out. 1
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I agree. But it happened. Now OP needs to go into damage control not destroy her life for having sex with someone once last year. Yeah go into damage control to save her life but to make her husband live with a liar and cheat. Would you like someone to do this to you? She does not love him and wants to be with OM so she would be doing the right thing by confessing. They both would and end this to be together.
cif Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) I don't plan on exposing this, but if this guy decides he's going to I don't have much choice. If I can, I would like to just put this behind me, work on my marriage, and raise my kids.. But another part of me says I would finally be really happy with this guy.. If we could be together.. BUT crushing my husband and best friend in order to be with him would likely make it impossible to look myself in the mirror. I just don't see how I could be happy knowing I had done that. Your H and BFF would get over it with time. If you're unhappy your relationships suffer, all of them- H, friends, children. Thing is, I really don't see this guy making you happy. I see a future of doubt and regret. He sounds like a crappy, cheating, liar. You will be home alone wondering where he is, who he's with. And he will never love your children the way their dad does. So you are one that would die on your sword instead of coming clean and giving your marriage a chance? Not a smart move. A lot of BSs don't put up that crap. Let me put it this way....DAMAGE CONTROL is a death sentence to a marriage. I just think if she wats to save her M it's not worth bringing this up. I hope i'm never a ws and if my h had a ons a year ago i wouldn't want to know. Edited October 3, 2013 by cif 2
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Your H and BFF would get over it with time. If you're unhappy your relationships suffer, all of them- H, friends, children. Thing is, I really don't see this guy making you happy. I see a future of doubt and regret. He sounds like a crappy, cheating, liar. You will be home alone wondering where he is, who he's with. And he will never love your children the way their dad does. I just think if she wats to save her M it's not worth bringing this up. I hope i'm never a ws and if my h had a ons a year ago i wouldn't want to know. If I am not mistaking....this is not a one night stand. This is a very emotional and physical affair that she has tried to end. She continues to try advising her APs wife/her "bestfriend" and has been sexting/stealing kisses etc. We are trying to let her know that it is going to blow up eventually and that her safe bet is to come clean.
Author rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I would think you should sit down some where private. Let that person know you haven't been happy and what you have been doing. Be prepared for tears, yelling and a look of disgust. Be prepared to answer any and all questions TRUTHFULLY. DO NOT leave anything out. Realize that any omissions and lies will come out eventually and just cause major set backs. Be ready for him not to trust you and ask to see your phone and computer along with all the passwords for awhile. And I am pretty sure that he will tell the BW too. DO NOT talk about this in front of the kids. It isn't so much about pulling a trigger as pulling the plug on something you should not have been doing in the first place. Or in your case think of it as putting a nail in the coffin so that MOM leaves you the heck alone. Please do not put this off. I'm scared of what my husband would do so I don't think I could do it alone, and the only time I seem to have the courage is in moments where we are getting along and happy and I feel guilty and want to blurt it out. He would not consider reconciliation. Confessing would be to end the marriage, and if I did I just would want to hurt him has little as possible. I do love him and I really regret that I did this to him.
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I don't plan on exposing this, but if this guy decides he's going to I don't have much choice. If I can, I would like to just put this behind me, work on my marriage, and raise my kids.. But another part of me says I would finally be really happy with this guy.. If we could be together.. BUT crushing my husband and best friend in order to be with him would likely make it impossible to look myself in the mirror. I just don't see how I could be happy knowing I had done that. I don't know how you can look at yourself everyday knowing what you are doing to them right now. You can write them both a letter (husband and friend) and confess everything. That would be the best solution so you can get it all out without being interrupted. Then let the chips fall where they may. OM has said he would be there for you and then you two can decide what you are going to do and where you are going to live. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I'm scared of what my husband would do so I don't think I could do it alone, and the only time I seem to have the courage is in moments where we are getting along and happy and I feel guilty and want to blurt it out. He would not consider reconciliation. Confessing would be to end the marriage, and if I did I just would want to hurt him has little as possible. I do love him and I really regret that I did this to him. If you truly feel this way and love him....then you need to do it. He deserves honesty!!! He deserves respect!!! And it will show by you coming clean and him not finding out on his own. I am telling you now....I do not trust your MOM. And you will be made out to be the villain when it blows up. You will not be able to salvage things if he finds out through other avenues.
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I'm scared of what my husband would do so I don't think I could do it alone, and the only time I seem to have the courage is in moments where we are getting along and happy and I feel guilty and want to blurt it out. He would not consider reconciliation. Confessing would be to end the marriage, and if I did I just would want to hurt him has little as possible. I do love him and I really regret that I did this to him. There is no way to NOT hurt him or her in this. It is not going to be pleasant but at least you had confessed rather than one of them discovering it. Make no mistake in your mind because it will be discovered sooner or later. People don't get away with treating others this way.
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Your H and BFF would get over it with time. If you're unhappy your relationships suffer, all of them- H, friends, children. Thing is, I really don't see this guy making you happy. I see a future of doubt and regret. He sounds like a crappy, cheating, liar. You will be home alone wondering where he is, who he's with. And he will never love your children the way their dad does. I'm sorry but one could say the same things about Rae. She is as responsible as OM for this. Besides Rae wants an open relationship where they both can see and sleep with whomever they want.
Author rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 I'm sorry but one could say the same things about Rae. She is as responsible as OM for this. Besides Rae wants an open relationship where they both can see and sleep with whomever they want. No.. That's not what I want. We consider an open relationship to be free to tell each other who we were attracted to and discuss presuing it or not.. Without fear of judgement .. Not just open to sleeping with whoever you want.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I'm scared of what my husband would do so I don't think I could do it alone, and the only time I seem to have the courage is in moments where we are getting along and happy and I feel guilty and want to blurt it out. He would not consider reconciliation. Confessing would be to end the marriage, and if I did I just would want to hurt him has little as possible. I do love him and I really regret that I did this to him. Then why did you allow all this to happen if you knew all along if you were caught he wouldn't consider reconciliation? is lusting after the MM worth all this? Where is your self respect? If you truly regret all this, then just .. STOP! You have choices to make, do the right thing. 1
stillafool Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 No.. That's not what I want. We consider an open relationship to be free to tell each other who we were attracted to and discuss presuing it or not.. Without fear of judgement .. Not just open to sleeping with whoever you want. Obviously you would be able to discuss who you are attracted to and discuss pursuing such a relationship if you two are already in an open relationship. Isn't that what it means?
ladydesigner Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 rae-lana I too was afraid to confess my RA for fear that my WH would D me (duh that is usually the outcome). I kept it inside for years and it ate away at me. I turned to drinking and drugs and became less and less connected with WH until his last A with MOW. that is when I confessed my A. I didn't think it was fair that he was the only one having to fess up. We basically had 2 DDays in one day . You never know what a person will do. Your BS may want to save the M or he may not, that is his choice. When I did disclose I was devastated that I was no longer the person my WH saw me as and to see his pain and confusion was awful. The intimacy we share today is better because we hide nothing. Our M would not have made it with all of those skeletons in the closet. Confession is not easy, but it is much more respected than being found out. My WH will attest to that one. 1
twosadthings Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 You would do this so you could be together with someone you've described as a sociopath, someone who has cheated on his wife before with both women and men, someone who gets his enjoyment from hanging around the friend he is cuckholding without him knowing it? You would have this garbage be an influence on your young children for at least half of the time? You would have an open relationship with your new man for your children to ultimately become aware of and be affected by? Divorce your husband and try to find someone who fills your tank that isn't such a Lowlife. Twosadthings
Author rae_lana Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 Obviously you would be able to discuss who you are attracted to and discuss pursuing such a relationship if you two are already in an open relationship. Isn't that what it means? Me and OM yes.. But neither of us are free to discuss that with our current partners without a lot of resentment and judgment. In my eyes, and how OM sees it too, is a real open relationship would make room for the discussion but just because you said you were attracted to someone wouldn't mean it would be ok with the other person to go forward with it.. It would just be open for discussion and I am not jealous of other sexual relationships but I would be jealous of an emotional relationship in most cases.. Not all.
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