KiDDo83 Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 I'm not sure where to post this, but anyway I need some Advice. Im 21 and My Fiance is 20 we are young and getting married, because we love each other so much. Anyway My day started up with my fiance calling and waking me up to go to class, after me being hesistant I got up and got dressed and got my stuff together, and left to college. On my way there I called her up and we were talking (well not really talking just listening to each other as i make my commute to school, Sometimes most of our conversation is I Love you back and forth) When I got the end of the FWY I noticed a change in her voice, like if she was annoyed with me or frustrated with me, so I told her I was already here at school. Why did I tell her that? because it sounded like she didn't feel like talking to me.....thats why i ended the conversation. After my critical thinking class I called her and asked her how she was, she said she was fine, yet again she seemed annoyed. So I told her I was going to go eat and i ended the conversation. I went to eat, when I got out of cafeteria, I went straight the Lab to work on some Business homework, because i had missed the day before and i was just catching up, when i logged in aim, we said we love each other, how it usually is then as I started typing my questions she msged me again, saying that she met this guy at getaway, then she told me I was going to be mad at her. When she said that I literally flipped out, why I don't know why maby because I'm the jealous type???? Well she started to go on how they talked and this and that while she got her food. She told me that he asked her if she was okay, and she said she was fine and they started talking from there basic talking like hi how are you whats your name age blah blah blah, turns out at the she ended up getting his phone number, she says this is good for us to start to form another group, since our last group went to ****. Anyway I hated the idea....come on my Fiance with some guy thats 22 and single......you do the math. She said that he didn't hit on her or anything. Then she msged me again and asked me if I wanted to meet him.....What do you think I was going to say Yes? Of course not, then she said I was an ass, Then she msged me asking if it was ok with me, if she went out to see him. I told her to do what ever she wants, im not going to restrict her on who she wants to see and who she doesn't....of course im lying to myself ( I hate change) I hate the idea of my fiance going to meet another guy. Then she asked me if I was going to be this way.....I said yea then she said I dont want to hear from you for awhile, I said sure, then i told her if this was the official "Break" and she said yes so by this time I was just getting thoughts in my head and my mind was literally ****ing me over. So i told her to have fun and to do what ever the hell she wants, I told her I was leaving class because I couldn't go to class feeling the way I felt. So i turned in my Homework and Left. As I was getting out of the parking lot of DeVry, I decided to go to her place, as I was going over there, all I could think of is what if this guy hits on her or tries something.......I don't know my mind is just ****ed up like that. So I got really worried now, my mind is just mentally ****ing with me. So I call her up and ask her about this guy....how they met, she went to go get food at Gcafe, and they met, then I told her that I would consider meeting him, then I can judge him. Well after a talk about that. I told her how I felt and how I am, she said she knows and that she doesn't love me any less. What can I say? I dont know why I'm like that, Well after I apologized about me flipping out she asked me if and when she goes to see him, would she want me to know about it, in other words she calls and says shes going out with this guy. I told her no because my suspicion would kill me, on what that guy might try or what he might do....you know the basic thing that most guys try. Well After that Conversation ended I told her to get ready, I was going to take her miniture golfing, and thats what we went to go do. After that day we got together again back at her apartment and we were both bored, and I told her to go with that friend....Because with that friend atleast shes happy, but it tears me up inside just thinking of her being with him, So after she left I started to cry to myself, I love her soo much, After nearly crying for an hour. I decided to clean up her apartment, thats when i came across her journal. So I began to read it, because she had said to me before that, that journal was about us and I could read it any time I want. So I opened it up, I wanted to see if she really still loved me and so that I could leave the jealousy behind and see that this new guy is not a threat to me or her. So I began to read and The last entry says that She is Confused She loves me but she now has feelings for the other guy. As soon as I saw that I got really pissed off. So i called her and I told her to come home this instant, She hesistated and said they were off roading, and that they got stuck in a hole somewhere in the desert. After like 3 hrs she came back and she was all happy, of course i wasn't. I talked about what i did before i left and i talked about how i found out now that she has feelings for this guy. She said she has liked many guys while shes been with me, but she has never acted on it. I dont know what to say....I see the guy as a threat because hes everything Im not, Not too mention the guy thinks my fiance is interesting....If I tell her to stop seeing the guy, that means she is changing for me, and I dont like when people change just to accomadate you. So I have No idea what to do. Some people would just say Just let her go, But I can't I love her to Damn Much. Can someone Please give me a Solution? or some pointers?
morrigan Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 She's having an emotional (if not sexual) affair with this other guy. You both have taken a break--which means you are broken up. She doesn't sound ready to commit to anyone fully, let alone being engaged. I understand how upsest you are about this, but she obviously wants to be with other people. The best thing I can advise is to be clear to her that this relationship has ended and no matter how terrible you feel, try to get on with your life. She can't change her feelings to accomodate you, no matter how much you love her. She also should not expect you to put your life on hold while she decides what she wants.
NiCoLe20 Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 damn bro that really sucks but this is what i would do: i would either play the game like how she is doing or leave.... meet a girl or start hanging out with a girl that you are friends with more then ur girlfriend now and see how she likes it...and she wont at all!! but she's doing this to you & playing games and obviously she's not ready for marriage so dont make that mistake... wait a lot longer to see if she's even worth all of it. im 20 too and im not even ready to think about marriage...what happens when she's 21 and wants to go to the clubs and go out drinking? she'll probably meet new people especially guys...but u never know maybe she wont do that... but all im saying is play the game too bro!!! start chillin with a girl and she'll get jealous and have the same shi**y feelings you have now... she's playing games with you and thats not cool... hell no i wouldnt even allow her to hang out w/ this dude...especially alone!! are u crazy? u kno she's having some sort of feelings for him and your just allowing them to continue... i would either meet up w/ the dude so he knows she's taken and have a talk with him..say she's my girl-i respect that the 2 of you are friends but if anything more then that happens ill break ur face...thats it.... you guys are both young for marriage...wait another 4 yrs atleast!! what happens if everything is fine for a while and u guys get a divorce b/c she does the same thing later down the road? you'll wish u would've waited...life is too short...go out there and meet new ppl...dont stay home worrying about her...flip the script and let her start worrying about you...she wants to play games-play back..ive been in many relationships and ive learned sooo much the past few years.... if she's with him more than you thats a problem and a hint thatshe likes him better than you.... she's probably bored and wants a change of something different like most young kids our age do. so if she's spending more time w/ him...kick her to the curb and find a newgirl bro... she'll just do the same thing to him and it'll keep going & going.... talk to her see whats up... if ur hurt shes not worth it... no one is worth your tears.. remember that sorry so mean or rude but i gotta get the point across lol
Author KiDDo83 Posted December 1, 2004 Author Posted December 1, 2004 The thing is she says she still loves me, and she is very much in love with me, everyday she tells me that, she said if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't have me stick around. So im not sure what to do or say, Everytime were together she has to bring up this friend in our conversations, and to tell you the truth it really pisses me off, when we talked about it, I told her that I hate when she bring him up, and she asks why, he never did anything to me. Today I missed a huge test at school because she needed to go to the doctors to get that annual papsmir or whatever and im her only ride, so i drive over to her place, I call her from down the street and shes not answering, then I get there outside the parkinglot and there she is with him, shes hanging on his door from his truck. It just made me mad, I just bottled it up and didn't express my anger, she asked me many times if I was ok. I told her I was fine. I asked why he came over and she said he stopped by to see how she was doing since shes been sick for the last 3 days and he was worried, I know nothing happen in the apartment because her roomate is there and he keeps a close eye on her, thats another story...... Is there any other solution, without having to loose her? I really do Love her, I have tried soo much and I really don't want to loose her.
heckno Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by morrigan She's having an emotional (if not sexual) affair with this other guy. You both have taken a break--which means you are broken up. She doesn't sound ready to commit to anyone fully, let alone being engaged. I understand how upsest you are about this, but she obviously wants to be with other people. The best thing I can advise is to be clear to her that this relationship has ended and no matter how terrible you feel, try to get on with your life. She can't change her feelings to accomodate you, no matter how much you love her. She also should not expect you to put your life on hold while she decides what she wants. AGREED None of my really close guy friends stop by my house to see how i'm doing if i'm just sick...guys i've know for like a decade mind you. She needs the comfort of having more than one guy around for whatever reason, apparently, and it's not going to stop. You said "Is there any other solution, without having to loose her? I really do Love her, I have tried soo much and I really don't want to loose her.""" Sure there is, you can accept the fact that the woman you're ENGAGED to will always have another man around even if it displeases you. You know, 3's company. You could always tell her you're out, you can't handle it, but if you keep letting her walk all over you like this, basically prancing her other man in front of you, it wont stop. I mean, typically, you talk to your girlfriends about your man, NOT YOUR man about the other man..jeez. People do what we let them to do us.
billie3113 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by KiDDo83 she said if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't have me stick around. Kiddo83, I'm not trying to be cruel, but she is acting incredibly selfish and manipulative. Don't remember how your ex was with you when you were dating her, look at her actions now. They are not loving or concerned about your feelings at all. Saying to someone "I love you" is easy, it doesn't mean she does. She does not have the same feelings for you anymore, but you are still someone she can depend on for car rides, converstation, and a potential backup man if this other guy does not work out. It's not love, it's using someone. You have already lost her--what you have is a user ex-girlfriend who wants to hang aroud with you only when it's convenient for her.
NiCoLe20 Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 i agree.... its not worth it bro iknow the love u feel for her is deep but you gotta let it go... she's slipping thru ur fingers ... either get rid of her or find a new female friend to start chilling with... like her roomate lol does she still wear her ring?
tiki Posted December 1, 2004 Posted December 1, 2004 RUN!!!! She's totally playing you, man. Why are you allowing this to happen? In my eyes, she cheated on you. What's to question? Leave.
Guest Posted December 2, 2004 Posted December 2, 2004 Leave her man... she is doing it now... and she will do it later. Think twice, three time, fifty times... do not marry her, she doesn;t love you. Sorry to be this rude. Peace
Mary3 Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 This is totally messed up... She will always play you with other guys at your expense and your hurt.... Get out now....she will wanna play** 3's company ** Don't be around for the crap.... Move on....quickly
neptoon Posted December 5, 2004 Posted December 5, 2004 IMHO, as an outsider, I see a few things wrong with this relationship. First, you're talking to her on the way to class with nothing to talk about (in your words, you were "not really talking just listening to each other as i make my commute to school, Sometimes most of our conversation is I Love you back and forth"), and then you call her AGAIN when you get out of class, and then when you get to the lab to do some work (I'm assuming in the same day), you're IMing each other. It sounds like the two of you are suffocating each other. In a healthy relationship, it's important to have some time to yourself and do your own thing. You're not doing that -- even when you're apart, the two of you feel to be still together on the phone. The two of you are still hanging on the phone even when there isn't anything substantial to talk about to each other -- you guys are saying that you love each other just to fill in the silence on the phone. If there's nothing to talk about, why be on the phone? Find more productive ways to spend your time. On your drive, it might be good to listen to politics or music or just have some time to think and play with ideas. Besides, it's dangerous to talk on the phone while driving. Second, the way in which you told the story tells a lot more about your relationship than what it appears on the surface. Read your initial post again. Pause and focus inward. This is not a criticism of you or your gf. These are symptoms of an underlying problem in the relationship (once you identify the root of the problem, half the battle is already won). You said: Well she started to go on how they talked and this and that while she got her food. She told me that he asked her if she was okay, and she said she was fine and they started talking from there basic talking like hi how are you whats your name age blah blah blah, turns out at the she ended up getting his phone number I see the guy as a threat because hes everything Im not, Not too mention the guy thinks my fiance is interesting What I see wrong with this is that you are jealous of the fact that this friend finds her interesting. In both the above quotes, it doesn't seem like it matters much about what she thinks. I think maybe you keep thinking that he'll hit on her because, deep inside, you see can't see anything else about her that this guy may be drawn to (even in terms of another human being interacting on a platonic level). You make no mention about what they talk about or about the possibility you may be jealous because he has more similar interests to her. You say that the guy thinks she's interesting. You make no mention of you finding her interesting. She could be drawn to him because you don't listen to her or she catches the vibes that you don't think she's interesting. Then, suddenly this guy comes along and he WANTS to listen to what she has to say and is interested in how she perceives the world or the ideas that she has. Think about how she may feel when she loves you but thinks that you don't care about anything she cares about. It may be that she's drawn to the attention she receives from him and not necessarily him. Maybe it's the kind of attention he gives her that she wishes you gave to her. This indicates something may be missing from the relationship. How to fix this: be genuine in listening to her and be genuinely interested in all aspects of her life. Try things that she wants to try. Ask what she wants to do. Don't do it just for the sake of winning her back and then revert back to the old ways. Try to look at it from her side (and from the perspective of any other person you may be interacting with). Keep an open mind and try things with her that she wants. Allow her to experience your world and invite her to experience your world. Don't demand that she adopts everything you are interested in ... people in general like it when they are given a choice and allowed the room to exercise their free will. Respect the differences that exist between you and her. Anyway I hated the idea....come on my Fiance with some guy thats 22 and single......you do the math. She said that he didn't hit on her or anything. Then she msged me again and asked me if I wanted to meet him.....What do you think I was going to say Yes? Of course not, then she said I was an ass, Then she msged me asking if it was ok with me, if she went out to see him. I told her to do what ever she wants, im not going to restrict her on who she wants to see and who she doesn't Then she asked me if I was going to be this way.....I said yea So I call her up and ask her about this guy....how they met, she went to go get food at Gcafe, and they met, then I told her that I would consider meeting him, then I can judge him. I see the guy as a threat because hes everything Im not The problem I see here is that there is an imbalance in power within the relationship. The relationship caters only to your wants and needs. I'm not criticizing you -- we're all human and sometimes it's very easy to lose sight of the other person's needs when so many things are happening in our own lives (god knows, it's happened to me enough times). She said, "Are you going to be this way?" and you just answered "Yea"!?!?! There were no attempts made to compromise and meet half way. A relationship is a partnership where both partners need to find ways to communicate and grow with each other. Why do you feel the need to "judge" him? You weren't interested in meeting him until you found that she wasn't going to do what you were going to tell her to do. For all you know, this guy might have a gf or he might be gay. You didn't know anything about him but you already felt threatened. Don't blame it on you "being the jealous type". You're a rational member of an intelligent species -- you can learn and unlearn any behavior you apply yourself to. Look at the things that make you jealous. The glass can either be half empty or half full -- it's up to you. What about all the things that you ARE? How to fix this: work on improving your own life -- look inside and figure out what it is that you want yourself to be. What are YOUR passions in life? What are things that give you your will to live? Who cares what this guy's interested in? What are YOU interested in? You need to find interests in life outside of her. You need to find and determine who YOU are. No human is perfect. Everyone has their own shortcomings. Never lose sight of this -- for all the things he has going for him, you have other things going for yourself that he may not have. Make a list of the things about yourself that you are proud of and memorize it. Make a list of the things that you want to be proud of yourself for and beside each item, list one course of action you are going to take with your life in attaining these things. You are not "the jealous type" -- no one is. Find the root of why you feel jealous and BE the man that you think you would be jealous of by becoming a better person for yourself. So i called her and I told her to come home this instant, She hesistated and said they were off roading, and that they got stuck in a hole somewhere in the desert. After like 3 hrs she came back and she was all happy, of course i wasn't. I talked about what i did before i left and i talked about how i found out now that she has feelings for this guy. Again, the free will thing. No one likes to be told what to do. Respect her free will, intelligence, judgement, and right to self-determination. You can give your opinion but allow her to make her own choices. Don't ridicule her when she's wrong. Be there to support her and help her to help herself when she falls. She will respect and love you for this. Make an honest effort at finding yourself and having interests and passions (aside from her). Make an honest effort to improve yourself. I can't tell you whether or not it will work out in the long run (b/c I don't know enough about the situation outside of what you've told us here). But I think when you know who you are, you won't feel jealousy because you will see more positive things about yourself. I don't think it's right that you underestimate yourself when you're measuring yourself up to this guy.
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