Ex girlfriend coming around?

[mada10593]

Okay we haven't been together for over 2 months now, we had a full month of no contact. Until last we week, she broke no contact. Late Tuesday night I had the worst night I have had in over a couple weeks, to my surprise I woke up to a text from her, simply asking how I was doing and that I didn't have to reply. I didn't til late that night. We caught up a bit, but I cut it short.

 

The next day I saw her and just simply said hi and continued on my way. I decided to text her that night. She started opening up more about why she texted me. She's been struggling in school and she started hearing things about what people said about our break up (we were together 3 years, she made an impulse decision to jump ship to someone else). I could tell she was really struggling, my love for her is still there so I decided to take a leap of faith and try to help her.

 

We decided to meet that night. We talked for over 2 and half hours of laughing and catching up. Time to time we would have a serious talk about us and her current boyfriend. She had complaints that he wasn't like me, he was jealous, like to post things on twitter she didn't like, and they talk about the same things over and over again. We had to end our talk because her parents were blowing up her phone and mine (they guessed she was with me). The next day I learn she was hanging out with him. We talked Sunday again on the phone for an hour and a half. I made the mistake of asking her if she sees us together again and she said yes, but right now she is just confused and confessed I never did anything wrong for her to leave me that it was soley her decision. She even said she still loved me. We end the talk and don't talk til this past tuesday. We had another round of good texting she was even flirting a bit! On twitter now, she has been favoriting some of my tweets and retweeted one or two of them before. She has never done that before.

 

Now we haven't talked for only a day now, and I hope she texts me. I really don't know what goes on from here. Your people's advice? I really don't feel like hearing oh she left you for another why would you want her back type thing, people make mistakes, and people learn from mistakes in my opinion. This was her first big mistake she has ever done.

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Romaks]

Dude, you really really need to go no contact. It's absolute bull**** that she gets to string you along as a back up just because her current relationship with her new guy just isn't as good. Be strong, dude, and don't give in to that. Tell her that you want nothing to do with her as long as she is still with him. If she really wants to be with you, then she'll drop this other kid.

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lylat333]

Congrats mada on sticking to NC and getting to where you are now.

 

However, I agree with Romaks. A philosophy I live by is never reinforce behavior you wouldn't taking place in your own relationship. You shouldn't have anything to do with her while she is seeing someone else - even if she doesn't love him, says he's not like you, and tells you she loves you.

 

Bottom line is she's not ready to reconcile. She needs to get over this "confused" phase on her own and then you can take it from there.

[Mariposa10]

No, no, no, this is really bad!! What are you doing?? She's with someone else!!! If she "loved you." She'd be with you!! The same thing happened to me my ex would say "I love you so much" but he wasn't with me, so it doesn't matter.

 

You are making her life easier, you are helping her transition to the other relationship. LET HER deal with all this confusion and pain on her own.

 

So let's say she decides to get back together with you, there's a huge chance she'll be doing the same thing she's doing with you with her current boyfriend.

 

Please, please, let her suffer the consequences of breaking your heart. Do not reinforce this behavior! Go have fun, go on dates!!

 

I can't believe people who do this, being in a relationship while still talking to their exes?? WTF?!!! Have some shame!!

[mada10593]

Yeah I agree I think I made the mistake showing her I am still around. I do want to be with her and I still think of her everyday, its just the pain of what happened isn't there anymore. Iwent one whole month of avoiding her and not trying to contact her at all. But I want her to come to me and say she wants me back when she is single too though, I am going back to no contact, how do I respond though if she texts me? Do I be myself and have our huge convos like we have had this past week? Because I feel if I go straight to cold shoulder that's not who I am and that's not who she fell for in the beginning. It is my birthday Saturday I wouldn't doubt if she texted me or not. Thanks for the advice though really I am jus going with the flow right now and ps: I have tried going out and seeing other girls. It just truly wasn't the same when I was with them. I can't just kiss anyone or makeout, I need to feel something on the inside

[lylat333]

I am going back to no contact, how do I respond though if she texts me? Do I be myself and have our huge convos like we have had this past week? Because I feel if I go straight to cold shoulder that's not who I am and that's not who she fell for in the beginning. It is my birthday Saturday I wouldn't doubt if she texted me or not. Thanks for the advice though really I am jus going with the flow right now and ps: I have tried going out and seeing other girls. It just truly wasn't the same when I was with them. I can't just kiss anyone or makeout, I need to feel something on the inside

 

Most people would say ignore her, but in your case I would say be very short and do not conversation blossom. You don't have to be mean about it, if she asks you just tell her you don't think it's right to be talking with each other while she is seeing someone. This isn't about playing games or trying to be mean, it's just simply wrong for you two to be talking to each other while someone else is in the picture on either side. If she wishes you happy birthday, respond with a simple, "Thank you."

 

Definitely no huge convos! She knows you, don't worry about being a certain person for her to fall in love with. The important thing to do is what's right, that will be attractive and keep this from getting any more messy and drawn out.

 

Once she realizes she has to stop seeing this guy to have a chance with you and enjoy the relationship-y perks like flirting and having intimate talks, if she's interested I guarandamntee you she'll do it.

[mada10593]

Alright, its a good point he knew from the get go that she was with me and still pursuied her, granted she is at fault too but we are only human. I will keep it at low contact if she contacts me and I will do the moral right thing to do and let her know if she asks why I am not talking that much! In everyones opinion curiously, does she come back to me? Since when I didn't do anything really wrong and there wasn't compatibility issues. More of her getting curious about someone else and doing someone(me) wrong?

[lylat333]

Glad to hear you're going to do the right thing. She should respect that! If not, that's a red flag.

 

It's only my opinion, but if you've already been flirting and having long conversations I think it's very possible she'll end up coming back to you. But people should expect others to have to make a commitment to them to enjoy the benefits you'd expect in a relationship.

 

I wouldn't take my ex back if she left me for another guy, but everyone is different and people do make mistakes. At least it doesn't sound like you will hold it against her if you try beginning again. Wish you the best.

[mada10593]

I am a forgiving person at heart, the first month of it all I didn't forgive her and I did hold it against her of how she could break my heart. That's a negative feeling though and it gets you no where in life to hold grudges in my opinion. Eventually the anger, sadness, and pain all goes away. You learn that you don't NEED someone to make you happy. That's what I learned in my month of no contact. I was having fun, living my life, and hanging out with friends. At end of the day though, it always came down to me thinking of her. Its been a long two months for me, and finally I feel things are starting to go my way. It may be another couple weeks before reconciliation but right now we are taking our first steps toward it.

[Mariposa10]

I am a forgiving person at heart, the first month of it all I didn't forgive her and I did hold it against her of how she could break my heart. That's a negative feeling though and it gets you no where in life to hold grudges in my opinion. Eventually the anger, sadness, and pain all goes away. You learn that you don't NEED someone to make you happy. That's what I learned in my month of no contact. I was having fun, living my life, and hanging out with friends. At end of the day though, it always came down to me thinking of her. Its been a long two months for me, and finally I feel things are starting to go my way. It may be another couple weeks before reconciliation but right now we are taking our first steps toward it.

 

 

Another couple of weeks before reconciliation? I don't mean to sound rude or anything so she's gonna go pretty much from having sex with her current boyfriend to having sex with you in a matter of days??

 

 

I love how you're not gonna hold against her the whole thing about being with someone else, etc. I WISH I WERE LIKE THAT, hopefully someday I will be like that because after all we don't own them. They are free to do whatever the way.

 

However, don't you think there should be a time for her to be single?! So there's zero confusion and she won't end up going back to her current boyfriend?

 

Good luck, keep us posted. I'm curious how this will end.

[mada10593]

Ha your right about that, and trust me I know she's not "banging him" kissing probably. I first told my friends I thought she needed to be single, but they said they didn't think that was a good idea if things went to plan. Ill be sure to keep people posted in the following days.

[mada10593]

Well I don't know where any of this going. It sucks again I was doing so good. I hope every time I look at my phone I have a text from her, we haven't talked for a couple days now.

[r321148]

She really seems to have set you back.

I think you need to not read into anything she has said and I agree with everyone else...until she ditches this other guy you need to assume she is gone. The fact she is still with him should tell you everything you need to know for the time being. Her keeping you "on the backburner" isn't fair on you or her current man.

If she won't finish with him, then you can be sure her feelings for you aren't that strong.

I think it's really admirable that you can forgive her and move past it but please don't let yourself be taken advantage of. Being nice isn't the same as being weak. Yes maybe she deserves a chance...like you say we all make mistakes, but do think of yourself as well.

The thing that is jumping out to me about all of this isn't that she left you for someone else....that could be a mistake. What she is doing now is thought out though. She is still talking to you, flirting with you and having deep conversations whilst she is with someone else. Put yourself in his shoes and the situation doesn't look good.....and that may be you if she does come back. If she can treat him like that what makes you think she won't string you along whilst she's lining up the next one? If she really wanted you she'd have finished with this other guy and then worked on things with you. I'd guess she isn't doing that in case things don't go the way she wants them to with you and keeping him as a fall back. That isn't fair or a "mistake".

I'm not saying don't forgive her or take her back as at the end of the day you know her best and that is your decision to make, just make sure you think things through and work out what is best for you in all of this.

Good luck

Edited October 5, 2013 by r321148

[Mariposa10]

Well I don't know where any of this going. It sucks again I was doing so good. I hope every time I look at my phone I have a text from her, we haven't talked for a couple days now.

 

 

What's happening to you happened to me, nothing good will come from this unless you distance yourself from her.

 

Do you have any idea the message you're sending her by being available to her while she's with someone else????

 

If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you RIGHT NOW.

[Blastoplast]

Stop talking to this bitch. I'm being blunt, but she left you for another man. She left you for another man. SHE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER MAN. What else is there to say? She took her chances with somebody else, and she failed. She's using you for an emotional security blanket, and keeping you as a backup plan. It's not fair to you.

 

It's understandable that you want her, you had something that went right for quite some time -- but somewhere along the way it went wrong, whether on her accord or yours, it doesn't matter. Give it time, work on yourself and be a better man.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER

 

Time heals wounds, don't pick the scab off by contacting her. It's hard, but you have to do it for your sake. I sent my EX a text telling her that if and when I'm ready, I'll give her a call to catch up. I left the door open, but as far as I'm concerned we're OVER.

 

Focus on bettering yourself in multiple ways -- mind, body and soul. Good luck!

[Mariposa10]

Stop talking to this bitch. I'm being blunt, but she left you for another man. She left you for another man. SHE LEFT YOU FOR ANOTHER MAN. What else is there to say? She took her chances with somebody else, and she failed. She's using you for an emotional security blanket, and keeping you as a backup plan. It's not fair to you.

 

It's understandable that you want her, you had something that went right for quite some time -- but somewhere along the way it went wrong, whether on her accord or yours, it doesn't matter. Give it time, work on yourself and be a better man.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER

 

Time heals wounds, don't pick the scab off by contacting her. It's hard, but you have to do it for your sake. I sent my EX a text telling her that if and when I'm ready, I'll give her a call to catch up. I left the door open, but as far as I'm concerned we're OVER.

 

Focus on bettering yourself in multiple ways -- mind, body and soul. Good luck!

 

 

Was your ex doing the same to you?? Btw, how did she respond?

 

My ex was doing almost the same thing... so OP I hope you really take into account our advice.

[thompson]

Its easy to go back isn't it? I should practice what I preach. I went back to my ex 8 effing times. If you do go back make sure the new guy is gone. Otherwise tell her to take her "I'm really confused" BS and go away. Not worth the heart ache, trust me on that.

[mada10593]

Truth of the matter is, while I was in the month of no contact. Everyday was still a struggle. Everyday she was on my mind regardless of how busy I kep wasny myself. Its just the pain wasn't there as badly anymore. Well the pain has come back to me. All the advice I read is always two opposite ends of the spectrum. Some say forget her, don't ever talk to her again, others say wait for her, but live your life and be there for her when sshe needs you. What I'm starting to lean toward is that our 3 years together is a thing of the past or it was fake. If it was "true love" she would be with me right now. If it was true love she would had the courtesy as a friend just to say happy birthday, if it was true love. She wouldn't have put me through the worst pain of my life when she replaced me. The understanding nice guys always lose it seems. I tried to undersatnd she was confused with her feelings, but what about my feelings that are getting played with. I guess in the end, I don't have to live with regrets because I fought for what I thought was love, she didn't. She has to live with the probable regret of leaving someone who truly cared about her and replacing him with a homewrecker.

[Romaks]

Right on man. If you can say you tried your hardest for her and did what is right, then you have no regrets and you're not to blame. You can walk out of this situation knowing that you're the man, and she doesn't deserve a guy like you.

 

If she likes 'home wreckers', then you can't really help her in that department anyway.

[Mariposa10]

Get her out of your life, you deserve something better. What she is doing to you it's just not fair!!

 

Whenever you start feeling like maybe you should keep trying, re-read this thread please!!

 

What advice would you give if this was someone else?

[happydate]

Truth of the matter is, while I was in the month of no contact. Everyday was still a struggle. Everyday she was on my mind regardless of how busy I kep wasny myself. Its just the pain wasn't there as badly anymore. Well the pain has come back to me. All the advice I read is always two opposite ends of the spectrum. Some say forget her, don't ever talk to her again, others say wait for her, but live your life and be there for her when sshe needs you. What I'm starting to lean toward is that our 3 years together is a thing of the past or it was fake. If it was "true love" she would be with me right now. If it was true love she would had the courtesy as a friend just to say happy birthday, if it was true love. She wouldn't have put me through the worst pain of my life when she replaced me. The understanding nice guys always lose it seems. I tried to undersatnd she was confused with her feelings, but what about my feelings that are getting played with. I guess in the end, I don't have to live with regrets because I fought for what I thought was love, she didn't. She has to live with the probable regret of leaving someone who truly cared about her and replacing him with a homewrecker.

 

Women usually don't dump men right away. It takes time for them to process though as they are operating on an emotional level, whereas guys operate on an intellectual level. Which means in your time frame, 3 years seemed like a fake. To her though, 1.5 years is real and then next year and half is real and then a fizzle out. Women have a tendency to stick it out in a doom relationship due to basic maternal instincts. Women can have babies so it is prudent for them to stay with the men they are with to maintain the family unity until such time they can become independent. Even without having babies, they do this. Some people gauge women based on their interest level. Somewhere in between 90-100% meant she's really in love with you, but as she goes below 90% or so, she'll begin to engage her emotional processing engine and depending on how you act, you can either bring that up back to 90 and beyond or loose it. Most guys loose it because of their ego. They thought she loved you so you slack off and when you do without notice she's gone. If she loves you dearly, she'll stick with you longer cause her interest level in you is so high that it takes time to lower it down even with the slacking off and physical/mental/verbal abuse. It's also not uncommon for girls to be attracted to home wreckers. You need to understand that their men are a close resemblance to their daddy. That's what kind of men they are comfortable with being, so if her dad is a manipulator and a home wrecker and then she looks and be with that guy. You might have some of his traits, but some other guy might have more of his traits. So what? What's important is you. Other women will want you!

 

With you however, her interest in you was never high though cause you never did possess most of her daddy's traits. You'll just have to take it as being a fortunate chance to be with her and the great sex you guys had together. That's it.

 

The faster you heal, the better the girls you will get.

Edited October 6, 2013 by happydate

[jakesmake10593]

I can tell you this much I did not slack off in showing her I loved her. There are numerous things I did to show her. Yeah I understand the losing interest thing, but thats where being a human comes into play. If we lived off our instincts I would be having sex with every decent looking girl I saw, and we are both virgins by the way we agreed sometime ago we would wait until we were ready. When she left me for the other guy, it was impulse she agreed. We were still together and she went to the movies/concert with him and some friends. It interested her, it was something new, it was exciting, thats why she made the impulse decision to leave me. She has already told me numerous times I did nothing wrong and that it was solely her decision that she is starting to regret. Only time will tell what happens though.

[happydate]

I can tell you this much I did not slack off in showing her I loved her. There are numerous things I did to show her. Yeah I understand the losing interest thing, but thats where being a human comes into play. If we lived off our instincts I would be having sex with every decent looking girl I saw, and we are both virgins by the way we agreed sometime ago we would wait until we were ready. When she left me for the other guy, it was impulse she agreed. We were still together and she went to the movies/concert with him and some friends. It interested her, it was something new, it was exciting, thats why she made the impulse decision to leave me. She has already told me numerous times I did nothing wrong and that it was solely her decision that she is starting to regret. Only time will tell what happens though.

 

Again, you do not understand her game. You do not need to show her how you loved her bud, because she never loved you. She will only translate LOVE to a man that resembles very closely to his first man, which is her "DAD". In absence of a real dad due to foster care, her foster dad or first boyfriend. If you show to her how you love her, then you're game over cause that would hasten your demise in terms of her love to you.

 

Why, because her dad NEVER DID those things to in store his love to her. He did those things that a jerk, home wrecker and a manipulator would do to gain and maintain her loyalty and her love to him (her dad). Now fast forward to today, she is needing a man that would do exactly what her dad would do to her. When I said you slacked off is because you stray off her programming and expectations and perhaps you became nice. Not this gal. If you want her to be your cum bucket, you need to keep playing manipulating games with her and be mean to her. If a girl truly loves you, then you won't get I am confused, indifference and all sort of that nonsense. In fact, you would get a talk. You WOULD KNOW why you got dumped. When you don't know why or was surprised why it didn't work is because, she never did love you. You kind of fit the profile of her ideal man but just does not tick like one.

 

I used to be like that and for a time, it was great. Creampies galore and they loved every minute of it. But you know, it's very shallow and no one can keep up the game for long. Even Apple Inc., couldn't keep market share on their iPhones. Soon, they'll just float away to another man's wand and let him seed them.

 

So the question to you is that. What traits that attracted her in the first place? If you don't resolve these traits, you will attract another woman with similar traits. I know this cause I interviewed a few of them after we broke up and guess what they told me? I resembled like their DAD, but just not close enough! I suppose I could play the meanest jerk, but there's a fine line how much acting I could do you know. As most men here already know, it seemed that they are getting out from one fire only to be enveloped into another!

Edited October 6, 2013 by happydate

[jakesmake10593]

The traits that attracted her in the first place was that she didn't know much about me, I never talked to much in school, I just did my own thing and worked hard in sports. When we started talking, she said the things that she liked about me was I wasn't like other guys. Other guys would get sexual right away and ask what she would do with them. I just talked friendly and nice to her, we talked for over 3 months before we started "hanging out" on a regular basis. I did "cute" things from the start and she really started to fall for me, as I did for her too. It got to a point in our relationship that I didn't do those things as much. She quickly noticed too and asked one day why I didn't anymore. Of course I started to pick it back up and started to think of new things and I did, she was happy , I was happy seeing her. You don't stick to 3 years of being together for nothing, something held us together.

[happydate]

The traits that attracted her in the first place was that she didn't know much about me, I never talked to much in school, I just did my own thing and worked hard in sports. When we started talking, she said the things that she liked about me was I wasn't like other guys. Other guys would get sexual right away and ask what she would do with them. I just talked friendly and nice to her, we talked for over 3 months before we started "hanging out" on a regular basis. I did "cute" things from the start and she really started to fall for me, as I did for her too. It got to a point in our relationship that I didn't do those things as much. She quickly noticed too and asked one day why I didn't anymore. Of course I started to pick it back up and started to think of new things and I did, she was happy , I was happy seeing her. You don't stick to 3 years of being together for nothing, something held us together.

 

Great you were doing nice cute things for her? Then why did it stop? Did she ever reciprocate equally or even more to show her love to you? And then you started it up again when she told you how much she missed? Why did you do that? Lay over like a puppy and said, yes honey I'm going to start pleasing you again. That's a sign of weakness on your part and she knows it. Instead you should tell her that you got busier in sports so you stop. Tell her I'll get back doing those things when things get less busy. Play hard to get. In relationships, the most important person to please is actually yourself first.

 

If you would do nice cute things for her unlike the other guys, I wonder why did you stop? Was it because it was an act and you got tired of it. Isn't this a manipulating behaviour and then since you got a catch and you could slow down?

 

Then what difference between you and the jerk who started being a nice guy to a girl, then got laid and then eventually stop being nice?

 

If I am a gal and someone is doing nice things to me, then why wouldn't I stick along for 3 years? Then why would I stick with a guy who would roll over like a puppy and do what I say. A man without a spine is a nice guy. Not exactly an attractive trait.

Edited October 6, 2013 by happydate