jamesbau Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Hello people, this is my first post here.. my name is James and I am 27 years of age and from Tasmania, Australia. Firstly I will apologize about the length of this post, as I have a feeling it's going to be quite long. Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated, (I have spoken to a few people but have not let it all out). I will try to explain this as quickly and as simply as possible. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went out one night with my work colleagues, (I use to work for a telco company) and HTC threw us all a party (free alcohol etc). During the night, I got extremely, extremely drunk. At the end of the night, it was left to me, my manager/her partner and one of my managers friends (my soon to be partner). At the end of the night, My boss and her partner left. and I was left with my managers friend, her name is Jennifer (for stories sake). - AND mind you Jennifer is 43. I took her home that night in a cab, and at first refused to sleep with her as I told her I want it to mean something kind of thing, so I gave her oral... but then we did sleep together (I cannot remember much of the night what so ever). (I was living with a mate of mine at the time) the next morning, she gets picked up by a friend down the road, gives me a kiss and tells me she will talk to me soon. Two days later, she picks me up and we spend some time together. Not long after that, I was going up to her house and sleeping with her up there etc. We would drink **** loads and have fun. At the same time I was smoking weed too. (would just smoke a joint of a night time - was enjoying it much more as I was pretty much pummeling my body with it for years - everyday and night) Basically, what ended up happening was she was picking me up every single day after work and after she finished and I was going up to her house. About 80% of the time, we would buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it and chat, sit outside etc enjoy one anothers company... I would often enjoy a joint of a night time. Then we would retreat to bed and have intercourse. Not long after then and continuing to go up there every night, I met her children (12F, 14M 18F). She would drop me off at home to get ready for work as she dropped her kids off at school and then picked up the children she would be looking after for the day (she did home day care). I'd finish work, she'd pick me up 45 minutes later. One night, whilst we were having intercourse she whispered "I love you" - I knew what she said, but I wanted to here it from her properly as I had deep feelings for her, she said "no I feel stupid and its too soon" I said "No just tell me!" she said "I love you" I said "I LOVE YOU TOO!" And then we made mad passionate love. We were playful and fun, I would grab her ass and slap her ass in the kitchen, rub against each other etc... After a couple of months passed probably (3 all up) her friend was up there one night and she said to me when Jennifer went inside for a moment and told me that Jennifer was so so in love with me and was really really happy and she had not seen her like that for ages. I told her yeah well, we love each other.. only thing thats holding us back is im paying rent and hydro for a place I don't stay at. It was decided that night that I would move in with Jennifer and her three children. So I moved in slowly, I mean I was already pretty much living there. The next decision was made for me to quit my job, because I hated it and I was going no where and was probably about to be fired. so I quit, I got paid out a fair bit of money and pretty much blew it. I was quite confident that I could land another job pretty much straight away, as I was a good worker, was well respected by the customers etc and had been there for two and a half years (two years full-time). After moving in, I brought my bong with me....... which incited more smoking of pot... Like I was before. I was then unsuccessful in getting a job for sometime. So I tried to do things around the house, had plenty of interviews but could not land a job. I finally got a job and it was commission only, as of which I made no money. I only worked 6 days and threw it in, as I was broke... was receiving no benefits etc. After a while, I became depressed... I would just smoke weed and drink... (worse than when we met) I would just smoke, play ps3 or pc and do nothing. I felt like I was failing her and her children... you know, I was meant to be the man and supply for everyone. It even got to the point where we had no power due to the bill not being paid and the hydro providers stuff up, they demanded $$$$ which we didn't have, so we went without electricity for three-four days. At the same time, I still had pot and booze. I guess in a way, the depression, booze and weed fueling each other. Soon after that, I stopped paying her attention and stopped doing things around the house etc... we stopped making love and I just turned into a brain dead zombie with no motivation. I finally landed a job and it was the ****test experience ive ever had starting a job before, 13.5 hours advertised ended up being 11hrs a week, pay rate was different, didnt get paid for 3 weeks, then didnt get paid for the first 3 weeks i did until the 5th week. I had fallen into debt, and guess what..... I was still getting drugs and alcohol. Jennifer lived on 115acres on a farm, had horses, chickens, cows and sheep. Often we would go to get hay, and I even stopped doing that. [her parents lived like 300meters away and i got along well with them]. I stopped going places with her and would just mope around home. We bought a car to save petrol running around (because she had a 7 seater mitsubishi pajero) and she would use $50 every 2-3 days or so. I started driving the car to work etc and had a job..... but I still didn't change.... back to how I was... I was hooked on weed like I was when we first met.. (as my flatmate at the time always had ****loads of it) so it was always available. I knew deep down inside what I was doing, but was too weak and scared to approach her for help, and I couldn't decypher my true feelings or admit to myself that I needed help. After time, you know, me being a complete retard, not telling her I loved her, stopped touching her, I stacked on heaps on weight and didnt want her to see the big fat ****ing gut ive got hanging off of the front of me. (eating healthy and exercising now).. We would goto bed.. id goto the shed, smoke 6 bongs or whatever and then jump into bed... maybe try to watch a movie, without holding her in my arms... she would often fall asleep and I'd be like dont fall asleep. She was falling asleep because I was a lazy piece of ****, that was doing nothing for her or anything to assist her around the house. One morning I woke up and I thought to myself pretty much immediately when I awoke "WTF??? WTF HAVE I BEEN DOING"?? it was like all of a sudden I was over whelmed with the idea that I was doing wrong and needed to sort my **** out. Jennifer then sent me a message saying she was on her way home, we needed to have a chat and I probably knew what she was going to say. She came home and told me "its not working cant you see that?" I explained to her, that ive been stuck in my own head and havnt been able to get out, too much smoking, drinking and I was depressed and felt like I was failing everyone. She asked me not to stay the night (best if I stayed away), so I stayed at a friends place... and felt all different kinds of ****ed up. some time had passed, and she barely spoke to me, I still hadnt been back there.... I went up there one day to get some clothes for work etc and saw that a lot of my things had been packed up... (that shocked the **** out of me). So it was decided that I would move out.... I've been staying across the rd from the friends place I mentioned (his sisters place, which she hasnt been here at all).... Every second monday, I would go pick her up.. we would have dinner together and twice we made love... Once here and once I drove her home (after having some drinks) left the car up the top of the driveway and snuck inside, made love then drove home. I told her I wanted to stay etc, she said the kids are asking questions and are confused. The last time we made love was 20 days ago. And it was passionate..... she slept with me here on the couch and I held her in my arms all night.... ofcourse I had a bong before we went to sleep and she said "you dont need that" One night I found out that my friend had killed himself, I felt like utter ****... so I rang julie, but she would not answer.. she msgd me saying "im out" I said I need to talk to you she said "its too noisy" i said "its not too noisy to text" and that was it, I asked her what we were doing as I really needed support and she made me feel worse by not "caring"?. I expressed my love to her and told her that I missed her etc. I asked if we could have dinner that coming monday, and she said Sorry, busy tonight. my feelings for you havnt changed, I have moved on and maybe time for you to do the same. you are a good friend but nothing more sorry. About a week later, I went up there and checked her phone, there was messages from a guy... being very sexual and she had been replying... also a message from her saying "ill come give your back a massage". - this destroyed me. I did say to her, your seeing someone else.. she said what does it matter? - but didnt confirm it. I said to her, moved on? Thx for leading me on and not even talking to me completely shutting me out, its ok for me to buy her tea when I was broke and make love to her (in order to spend time with her etc) and then be told no? I told her that I felt ripped of basically and that she has quit/given up on me at the first sign of struggle... She said "Im too old for this ****, ive been hurt too many times before and cant risk it will happen again". .... I always said to her I didn't want to end up like my father. It dawned on me 8 days ago that I had been exactly like my father all this time. Drinking, smoking..... not caring, not going anywhere, not having anything... no possessions etc. I always thought I was a man. What a crock of **** and a lie I had been telling myself for 10 years. For 10 years I basically smoked weed on multiple occasions everyday. (slowed to begin with when I got with jennifer, but then resumed again once I felt like ****) Everything took a back seat to my addiction. I can now proudly say that I am on day 8 without any alcohol/weed. The withdrawals have been absolutely horrible but I have overcome them, step by step, day by day. I gave her a card (which was just saying how glad I was and priveleged to of met her) and a letter detailing what I thought was the problem. I recorded a video message for Jennifer on my phone explaining, issues ive had when I was a child (watching my mum getting belted with closed fists by a man who abused drugs) my dad abused alcohol/drugs and my mothers most recent partner (and father of my two younger bros) abuses it and has no life either. Told her about the strangehold it's had on me... and how I am now a man because I am taking responsibility for my actions. And expressed my love for her. At the end of the video... I said "I love you jennifer, but what is more important than me having you, is that you are happy. If you believe I am in the way of you being truly happy, then tell me. But if you can't tell me, just yet... then don't shut me out". I got down on one knee and apologized to her and just tried to reaffirm that yes I had done wrong and I know the cause of it.. (dont think she can understand an addiction because she hasnt been around it before i dont think - or how it can ruin your life) I gave her a red rose, and asked for a hug... she said "as long as theres no meaning" I gave her a hug and found it near impossible to let to go. That was monday today is thursday. On tuesday, I walked to a beach (8kms) and made a picture out of rocks that said "I miss you jennifer, xoxo 1-10-13" and sent it to her mobile, and got no reply... then I sent it to her facebook... no reply.. I then sent her a letter in the mail that said "I" the next day I sent "ADORE". I spoke to her the night I sent "ADORE" late at night... after driving up there to suprise her with a visit only to find that NO ONE WAS HOME AT ALL... she came online on facebook and was really blunt with me... (had a feeling she was with this new guy) [she told me she needed someone] ... obviously because I was pushing her away without even knowing. I told her I would be up there the next day to get my tele etc and she said "im out til lunch" - knowing that she wasnt going to be out, because she already was. So I said, after work.. she said so your coming up tomorrow then kind of thing. I said yeah, about 2:30ish. Normally the children she looks after she puts to bed about 12PM, I left work 30 mins early and got up there about 1:45 hoping I would have the chance to give her a letter "YOU" on it. (so i had sent her I ADORE - and then give her YOU". - I adore you. I waited until 2:55 and then tried to call her, msg her fbook her... her phone would ring sometimes, other times it wouldn't... saw her on facebook and no reply. Her father turned up to fix a gate and we had a chat, I told him that we werent seeing each other and jennifer may not have told him... he kinda acted like he didnt know but Im sure he did... I told him that I was depressed and had anxiety.. about no job, cant supply etc... became lazy... and told him that he had an amazing daughter and that I loved her and was sorrry.... but was sorting myself out. It was nearly 5 and I thought i'm not waiting any longer.... so I left, sent her a msg saying I've been waiting since 2:15PM.. No reply. no answer again. Went back up at 6ISH because one of the children normally gets picked up about 5:30PM and no one was there again. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ Ok so thats where things are at now pretty much. Other information - I asked her not to shut me out, if she couldn't give me an answer, and it appears that is exactly what she is doing... I know its only been 4 days since I asked her, but simply if she is seeing someone else and all I asked for is say, 3hrs a week or 1 day a week where we spend time together so she can witness the changes I am going through and the demons that I am facing... to know that I am for real and I am doing it. (I lost one of my ex's and my daughter in one hit because of drugs and alcohol) Get me right though, im not blaming drugs and alcohol, I am blaming myself and only myself for not being strong enough to quit/lower my use to a social thing etc. I know she's been spending time away from home a lot lately... which seems a bit odd... Her kids are her priority (ofcourse).... I have printed the video out (I typed it out) and will offer it to her incase she has fogotten what I said, (when i went to get my phone back from her, she just had it sitting next to her and not watching it but i think she was still listening and did have a couple of tears) I plan on doing this on Sunday night (which is 3 days away) as the chances of her being there are nearly 99%. And just pulling her back outside... giving her the piece of paper with "YOU" on it. Offering her the letter (video) incase she wants to read or has forgotten what I said etc. I have also bought a little frog on a chain (with the last few $$$ that I had) and will tell her that I feel like a frog, ive been hiding under rocks for so long... but I believe fairy tales can come true, kiss me your frog and I will turn into your prince. Then I will ask for her answer.. Remember im not asking to resume, im asking for 3 hrs a week or 1 day a week, spend quality time together.. dinner,lunch,movie,picnic whatever. And for the opportunity for me to prove to her what im doing with my life, and my devotion and love to her. Before I met her, the girl I was interested in... (first step) I took 12 roses to her house, a bottle of champagne and expensive chocolates. I told her to look outside and go get what was near her car... she was like scared??? And then got them and I got no thanks etc [and other situations that were kind of the same]... so that kinda stuffed me up to begin with, I use to buy jennifer flowers to begin with and all my colleagues at work were kind of jealous heh. So basically I am in this position now, she is ignoring me.. I love her with all of my heart and have only just realized my true feelings (probably because of no booze and or weed). [she does enjoy a good drink] I want an answer, this has been so extremely painful for me, and has been hard to be honnest with her, but harder being this honnest with myself. I really do believe she is the one for me... she was offering me more than what I could ever want. Now i'm trying to do the same, because I fully understand now and agree, but it appears she wants none of it. ___ There are many ideas behind this which people believe. 1) It's purely over and shes ignoring me to deal with it 2) she's gone to this other guy for support etc and just to feel something (fling? / rebound?) (Part of 2) as long as I get my **** together.... and continue to do so without "her in my life" she will come back. 3) I may have to spend sometime waiting for her, it feels like saying this and it may seem weird. But I feel so ****ing awesome about her, that would wait for her to split with this guy whilst I focus on myself, to better myself for everyone. What I need is feedback, is what I'm doing right???? Any advice???? I don't mind posting the letter if anyone is interested, as I need to get to the bottom of this before it is too late. Ive lost too many great people in my life and lost people that loved me due these exact reasons. It is hard going to friends places who still smoke and not have any, but I am way too motivated and way too focused on Jennifer to get this done! A lot of friends have found inspiration from my daily facebooks posts (day 1, day 2 day 3) and realizations as they come to me, i.e. I was spending $6-10k a year on weed and booze. I am also going to give her a 2 page information sheet on cannibus to support what ive said... I've felt helpless for so long, always think of giving up and being unsuccessful everytime... And I dont think she quite understands. What do I do people? Im not interested in anyone else, I just want to make it up to her and do this right... love her like I should have, romance her like I should have. I told her being in bed with her by myself is Perfection. Bliss and I shouldnt need weed to enhance that position because it cannot be enhanced. So in short, I have achieved what I thought was impossbile and I feel she has no value for me anymore etc. I dont want drugs around her kids and no one wants to be with a drug addict, I understand that.. but dont forget she "loved me" and met me whilst I was drinking a bit, but smoking everyday. I feel like going up there RIGHT NOW!!! because I feel like the more time they spend together the longer I need to wait etc or whatever, I am willing to wait for her though, SHE IS THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN IVE EVER MET!!! ________ Thanks for reading, Any advice will be great. James
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